need womens opinion: married coworker signs of intent?
Hello -- a newbie here with a concerning question. I'm a 30 y.o. M, married. I've been friends with a F coworker for four years. She is late-40's, married with kids. Over the past year, we have grown close, exchanging emails and texts frequently. She's quite attractive, but I would never ever ruin my wonderful marriage by even "thinking" about cheating. I mean sure, I've thought (fantasized) about it, but that's all.
She always mentions how wonderful I am to be there for her to vent about work, kids, husband -- things she "can't tell her husband" about. Now her husband is 2 months into a 9 month stint overseas, and she has been emailing me at all hours to sharing very personal information about her family and life events. She is very affectionate with me, although we've never been physically flirtatious.
I've never been a 49 yr old woman -- my question is this: am I simply a "friend" in her eyes, or something more? Do married women feel it's OK to bond with younger men from work? Do I have anything to worry about? Thanks for the help.
Re: need womens opinion: married coworker signs of intent?
Her actions show that you're more to her than a friend. If she's sharing info. with you that she can't share with her husband, that's an autmatic red flag. Don''t risk it. If her emails are too personal in nature, you may even want to say something like, "As a husband, I would be uncomfortable if my wife shared something like this with another man. I wouldn't want to disrespect your husband." The fact that the emails have increased in number as well as personal content, the signs are there that she's trying to open up some opportunity for the two of you. Don't fall for it. You can't be her emotional stability. You're married to your wife-- not her. If the shoe were on the other foot and some man were emailing your wife with very personal info. at all hours, how would you feel? You've done nothing wrong-- just keep it that way. If it continues, tell your wife so that you have the accountability there.
In another thread about boundaries in marriage, someone posted that they'd agreed to never say anything to anyone of the opposite sex that you wouldn't want your spouse to hear. I'll forever carry that advice with me. I think the same could be said of listening to anything the opposite sex says to you that you wouldn't want your spouse (or her spouse for that matter) to overhear.
Re: need womens opinion: married coworker signs of intent?
Thanks for the advice, Mommy22. I needed to check my head and see if this is really an issue or not.
I do value our friendship, so I don't want to lose that -- but I want to keep my marriage healthy more than anything.
So, the question now is do I bring it up and clear the air (possibly risking our friendship if she's defensive) or do I wait and simply think of a clever way to cool things down if she ever tried for something more?
Re: need womens opinion: married coworker signs of intent?
Quote:
Originally Posted by draconis
Just let her know that you do not want to emotionally bond with her and risk your wife misunderstand your friendship.
draconis
You can talk about your wife in front of her. The more you build up your wife in conversation, the more she'll take the hint. If she ditches the friendship, it's obvious the friendship was never genuine on her part anyway.
Re: need womens opinion: married coworker signs of intent?
Yeah, thanks for the suggestions. We do both talk about our SF often. In fact, we've all been together a few times for dinner and drinks -- he's a great guy.
She asks about my wife often. The mixed signals are baffling. I think I'll continue to casually mention my wife / her husband and proceed with diplomacy. Hopefully that way no one gets hurt??
Re: need womens opinion: married coworker signs of intent?
I definitely agree with talking about your wife, but only in a positive way...from what you've said, any negative discussions (even if you are innocently venting about something) have a good chance of sending her mixed signals. Since you have fantasized about her, I would also put some personal boundaries in place with her (do not spend time going to lunch, after work, etc. alone with her) so that you don't put yourself in a tempting situation.
Re: need womens opinion: married coworker signs of intent?
I would also be careful with your own wife. While your intentions in this friendship may be strictly casual, if your wife found the email chain, she may not take it as that.
If your friend is telling you things that she wouldn't tell her husband, you may want to be the friend she needs and encourage her to be more open with her husband about those things.
need womens opinion: married coworker signs of intent?
Re: need womens opinion: married coworker signs of intent?
You can talk about your wife in front of her. The more you build up your wife in conversation, the more she'll take the hint. If she ditches the friendship, it's obvious the friendship was never genuine on her part anyway.
