Today is the saddest day of my life. My husband told me that he doesn't love me......

VeryHurt · 06-02-2011, 08:27 AM

Hi Everyone:

Needless to say, I didn't sleep a wink last night.

Can you help me with this ?????

I'd try to think of all the bad things that he did so I could make myself feel better.

So, I start to go down the list in my mind and then a "good" thing will pop up and it erases all the bad things.

I don't know if I'm making sense

Very Hurt

WhiteRabbit · 06-02-2011, 08:31 AM

i've been doing this too...

only thing that's helping me is diversion.focus my mind on something that isn't about him and I feel better.it's too painful to try and pull together all the bad things bc those good things ALWAYS bubble to the surface and hurt me even more.

Not sleeping is so hard on your body...have you tried meditation? i hear it's very helpful in these types of situations.

VeryHurt · 06-02-2011, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by turnera

I guess you have another thread somewhere, but...he CHEATED, you KNOW he cheated, and you did not EXPOSE the cheating?

I'm just trying to get this straight before I say anything.

I don't understand, "...you did not EXPOSE the cheating?"
Am I missing something????

turnera · 06-02-2011, 08:38 AM

I'm just asking what the timeline was? You found out he was cheating, and then what happened?

Inloveforeverwithhubby · 06-02-2011, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeryHurt

My husband and I were married in 1983. We are both in our mid-fifties. We've had a rocky marriage during the past 3 to 4 years. Two years ago he had an EA>PA with secretary and our relationship started to suffer at a rapid pace.

When I read these stories on this site, I feel so bad for the person. He told me this morning and it took me to now to able to compose myself to admit my failure to my fellow cohorts on TAM.

Today, I got the speach that I've read hundreds of times here. It was always someone else, but today it was me. My head is aching. My heart is in pain. My eyes are swollen.

He said that he no longer loves me. He is no longer attracted to me. He hasn't been in love with me for about 9 months. He doesn't want me to be his wife anymore but he wants us to be friends.

He said that there is no one else and I am 99% certian that is true. He does not want and cannot live anymore with the responsibilty of a wife. He would prefer to be a "loner" than have to answer to anyone.

He said that he has been unhappy for a long time but didn't want to hurt me again.

He wishes me well and said that he will not fight me on any divorce issues. He hopes that we will be able to remain friends and continue to communicate on a daily basis.

He said that he'd like to date me because he enjoys my company. So there you have it. Another sob story from a broken soul. Thank you for listening.

I have only read the first post and seen it was you so had to respond.

Sweetheart, I am so sorry to hear this!! *HUGE HUGS*

This is horrible!!! Are you two in MC??

I am here for you!!

turnera · 06-02-2011, 12:23 PM

The reason I'm asking is your marriage doesn't have to be dead, necessarily. If he's actively cheating or only recently not cheating, you do have some leverage toward some things.

827Aug · 06-02-2011, 12:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeryHurt

Hi Everyone:

Needless to say, I didn't sleep a wink last night.

Can you help me with this ?????

I'd try to think of all the bad things that he did so I could make myself feel better.

So, I start to go down the list in my mind and then a "good" thing will pop up and it erases all the bad things.

I don't know if I'm making sense

Very Hurt

Meditation works great for this. But, when I can't get that to stop my brain from bouncing all over the place I take 25 to 50mg of Benedryl at bedtime. You may also want to ask your doctor for something stronger for short term use. Everything looks much better after a good night's sleep.

Mrs.G · 06-02-2011, 02:13 PM

Sleep medication is notoriously addictive. How about drinking herbal tea? If you don't mind a strong licorice smell, Valerian Root tea is great.

Celestial Seasonings has a great tea called SleepyTime Extra. It is made of chamomile and valerian root...natural sedatives.

VeryHurt · 06-02-2011, 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by turnera

The reason I'm asking is your marriage doesn't have to be dead, necessarily. If he's actively cheating or only recently not cheating, you do have some leverage toward some things.

TIMELINE

My husband's affair was from May -October 2009.
I found out in June 2009
He moved out but came home frequently.

Looking back, I was a FOOL.
I forgave him because:
Everyone makes mistakes.
No one is perfect.
If the role was reversed, I would have wanted a second chance.

He told me in September that it was over and he moved back home.
In October 2009 , I discovered that it was not over.
In November 2009, he was trapped. She was blackmailing him.
In Deceomber 2009, I gave him an ultimatum: Fire her or I will file for Divorce.
She was fired mid-Januaru 2010.
He paid her 30K.

He never fully returned whole-heartly to our marriage.
No real remorse.
No recommittment.

Blamed me partly for his affair by saying that if our marriage was solid, he would not have seeked her for attention and affection.

Blamed me that he had to fork over 30K. I made him fire her. Why couldn't I just trust and believe him that it was over?

We grew apart slowly after that.

This June 26 will mark two years that I found out that they were NOT "just friends."

turnera · 06-02-2011, 03:12 PM

Oh. I'd just walk away, then. He's not salvageable.

VeryHurt · 06-02-2011, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by turnera

Oh. I'd just walk away, then. He's not salvageable.

Can you please elaborate?

turnera · 06-02-2011, 04:34 PM

Note that I don't know you guys but, based on my experience dealing with such situations over the last 5-10 years, this is MY interpretation of your situation (not an indictment of you, rather how I think it will/has played out):

He cheated two years ago. He never accepted blame. He's cemented in his head that it's your fault he cheated, so he HAS no blame, and no one has disabused him of that notion. He's had no consequences, so he has no reason to start putting YOUR needs ahead of his. He never had to attend MC to delve into why he feels entitled to use and abuse you, so he has not known humility, a MUST for recovery. By not kicking him out or otherwise making him prove he deserves to keep you, it further cemented in his head that HE is the important one in your relationship and that you'll stick around for any crumbs he drops your way. But even that's no longer interesting to him. He needs a woman he has to fight for; he deserves better than you (in HIS mind).

fwiw, if you DO do a dark Plan B at this point and pull away, you just MIGHT get him interested in you again. But if you then take him back without doing all the things I describe above, he'll soon get tired of you again and dump you again.

Instead, concentrate of fixing yourself and making yourself fabulous. That's the best revenge.

VeryHurt · 06-02-2011, 04:58 PM

Turnera:
What is FWIW and Dark Plan B ???

Jellybeans · 06-02-2011, 05:48 PM

Plan B is letting him go and no contact. I agree with turners post...he feels entitled and never showed any remorse...had zero consequences. You deserve sooo much more.
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VeryHurt · 06-02-2011, 06:11 PM

JB: I did tell him last night that I ALSO need to think about MY future and we agreed not to contact each other for three weeks.