edmnd_dantes

We have been together 13 years, no kids, two cats.

A few months ago she says "I am not sure I am in love with you anymore". At this point I know she has been depressed about something for a while but I have been unable to reach her as to the cause and it was my incessant prodding that evoked the "I am not sure I am in love..." comment. We know each other very well and I was not pushing for just any reaction but it was obvious something was eating her up and she either did not want to or know how to communicate what. Due to the depression I begged her to do something, anything; diet, exercise, therapy, whatever. But I was not getting anywhere.

We agree to try and work through it.

Then a few days ago she says let's go talk. She does not feel "it" about "us" anymore and wants to move out. I am floored, devastated. I swallow and ask her to tell me why. She needs more "alone time" she says.

She is a woman who works 5 days a week and when she is gone she is gone. She left at 7 this morning and she is still out at 11pm with work friends "talking about girl stuff". I get to see her for all of 10 minutes in the morning and maybe an hour at night. On the weekends she sleeps until noon and has little energy to do anything.

This woman is the Yin to my Yang and it is killing me. She has agreed to try marriage counseling but I am very much afraid that she is already moving on and for the life of me I cannot figure out why. It is not that communication is at a standstill but it certainly is not progressing as there are "no promises" about the future of our relationship.

Is it too much to ask to respect 13 years of companionship to say we will do whatever it takes (which she refuses to do)? Or has she already moved on and I am too much of a dolt to figure it out?

ljtseng

"Alone time," for me, can mean "I dont want to deal with this." or "I'm so confused i need to be able to deal with only me."

You've been with this women for thirteen years. do you have any idea what might be upsetting her? Do you have any idea why she doesnt feel "it" anymore with you?

__________________

voivod

now...relax...back off the pedal a little...let her have HER time...geez, i can't believe it's ME who's saying this!!!

really, she SAID she's okay with working through it, right?

she AGREED to counseling, right?

the door is open...just don'y go diving through it. it's HER door. you love her? give her this.

__________________
separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g16, g11, g10(happy b-day molly mouse), b5

Hurting08

This is going to kill you to do this, but back off and don't talk about it for a few days. Just let her have some quiet time to think. Work with her to set a once or twice a week schedule to discuss the situation together. You have a thousand questions for her and all you want is answers, but you need to make sure you don't smother her.

Take this time to step back and take care of yourself. Look at some of the ways you may have let yourself go over the years and make sure you are still the person she fell in love with originally. She may notice that and spark something back up again.

FrenchMomma

Has it always been that way with her job and "her" life? Or over time has she just slowly slipped further and further away from you? It almost sounds like she is reaching for other things to make her happy. Almost like a man would in a "mid-life crisis". More than likely it is just something that she is battling within her self and really has nothing to do with you. Something out there looks better to her than what she has at home. I'm not exactly talking about another man, but just the idea of not having anyone to worry about or answer to at home. Ultimately not your fault. Sounds like she's getting a little taste of freedom from her marriage already...working that much...staying out late...and doing what she wants on the weekend...ect.
If you are the only one who noticed it, then you may be the only one willing to "fix" it, and that normally doesn't work. But the fact that she said she is willing to go to counseling and work things out, gives you hope. Give her "her time" and her space, but do not give up. Continue to show her love. Continue to do the little things, whether you feel she doesn't want you to or not. You will start to stand out to her again. Call her just to say you love her. Randomly...not overbearing. Not to the point that you are annoying her though. Leave a note on the pillow...saying that you would like to go on a date with her, somewhere romantic. Get that passion back without her even knowing. Don't get discouraged. Be patient. She should come around. Good luck with everything. Keep us posted.

Honey

May I ask..do you work too? If not, she may feel over-worked and so stress out by things she has to do, and this is why she just wants some "me time". When you have a lot on your plate, you feel you don't have a life, so you do get depress and want to have some time for yourself. Anything to help her out is what she is going for here.

Hurting08

One other thing I forgot to mention is to find other things to talk about - again just don't force it. If you can talk and have good conversations about anything else unrelated to your marriage, she will start to open up more. As of now, she's trying to avoid dealing with the marriage and may not want to talk because of that. But when the openning is there, shoot for a different conversation. Just don't push it.

line6guy

Actually, interestingly enough, I'm going through the same situation. Not to the point she said she doesn't know if she loves me anymore. But, to the point that she bought a house to work on. Just her's, not mine. "We" have a house already. It is frustrating, no doubt.

A man wants to "fix the problem." That is what we do; how we are programmed. But, after lots of talking about it, and thinking about it, the problem makes no sense. (I really don't understand the mid-life crisis, though. My desire is with my wife/family.) So, how can you fix something you can't understand.

I am told it is not me. Really, hearing that doesn't matter on the outset. But, I guess it really does matter. It tells you where the problem lies.

So, I try to be supportive, working at her house when she asks me. Not trying to take over, but respecting what is "her's." Trying to go through the day as normal. Though sometimes not doing a good job of it.

I guess patience and love is the key for us imperfect people... And time...

sniffles1

WOW its almost like there is something in the water my husband is doing the same thing to me i mean almost identical and for the life of me i dont know why and it was also from my prodding at what was wrong that i get the statement i dont know if i want to be married anymore he moved in with his friend all his stuff is still here he comes here often hes helping pay the bills but he has his own life just all of the sudden. In reading all of the replys i guess i am doing the right thing by just letting him have his time but wow its hard when you love someone so much.

mchris65

For me it means anything you say doesn't help me at all and in some cases makes it worse, so I'd rather hear nothing.

line6guy

The question is, though, at what point does helping them hurt you? At what point has this damaged the relationship? That is what I struggle with. And, it sounds like that is what some of you others might struggle with too?

Chopblock

It can really mean anything from "I just need a few hours to focus on MYSELF, then I'll be back" to "I have already moved on in my mind, so you should do the same".

snix11

For me "I need to be alone right now" can mean either "I need to be alone right now" and just that or it can mean "I don't think you will listen to me with an open heart so I'm not going to put my heart out there for you to reject" to "I'm so angry right now if I talk to you I'll cut your head off".

What does her body language tell you? What do your instincts tell you?

If you aren't spending any time together, you are growing apart.

Gin74

I too am in a situation where my husband doesn't know if we can get back to where we used to be. As much as I want to know where we stand right now, I know that it is more beneficial for him if I ease off and not bring it up. Lord, does it suck and hurt because I want answers and a solution, but I now know that solutions aren't always going to be there right away. I would like to get back to being able to talk about just things outside of us, but it is still so fresh for him and I know I need to back off as much as it kills me. My husband doesn't say that he needs to be alone right now, but I know that is what he needs. I just have to wait for him to approach me and feel comfortable.