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Old 06-02-2011, 01:39 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: What is seduction to you?

candlelight + sexy music channel on Pandora (take your pick, 'smooth jazz,' 'Isaac Hayes,' 'love songs' or anything Brazillian works for us) is great. Also easy to set up; light the candles and load it up on your laptop within seconds while she is in the shower.
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Old 06-02-2011, 01:46 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: What is seduction to you?

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Originally Posted by Undertheradar View Post
Ok, I hate to ask you this.....

Is there a chance that your wife is not into you?

Do you have a good marriage?
Are you friends?
Do you do other things together?

Did she ever cheat? Or have a text affair?
Of course there is that chance and I worry about it. Yes, I believe we have a great marriage and she tells me we do to. Yes, we are the best of friends. There really isn't anything I cannot talk to her about (except for maybe my filthy fantasies ). We do just about everything together, though we do also have our own interests. In fact she just went to California for a week for her sisters 50th b-day party without me and the kids.

I do not know that she has cheated and I highly doubt it, there are zero signs to that. I'm telling you she has nothing that turns her on. (And again it is possibly just me). But she rarely even mentions an attractive actor or anything.
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Old 06-02-2011, 01:47 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: What is seduction to you?

SA,

I stay with her because in every other way I couldn't ask for a better wife/friend/mother to my children. She is very good to me and I feel loved, I just don't feel desired.
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:00 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Rap "Ice Ice Baby" in her ear, worked for me! lol
What a horrible song! Remember the hair and outfits in that video?

YouTube - ‪Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby‬‏
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:12 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: What is seduction to you?

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SA,

I stay with her because in every other way I couldn't ask for a better wife/friend/mother to my children. She is very good to me and I feel loved, I just don't feel desired.
Common theme on this forum, I feel for every one of you, every last one, I think you are all saints and your wives (or husbands) are blessed as the morning sun that you stay with them. They don't realize what YOU are giving up -just to stay with them. I couldn't do it, I would fall into an affair if I tried, I would have to get out. And then we could still "be friends".

Not sure how you find contentment in this, religion may be an answer. Other hobbies to consume you -to keep you busy, taking a drug to suppress your sex drive (a low drive wife's husband did this for her, her thread in the sex forum). How sad that would be.

Can you live out your life this self-less for another? And what about resentment, how is this not building within you?

I guess so long as you can ward off the resentment and realize this is HER -and not take this too personally. But IF staying married (under these desireless circumstances) leads to a man or woman needing depression drugs to cope or feeling so low about themselves, destroying any self-worth they once had, these spouses have miserably failed them somewhere along the line.

Depends on how strong you are I guess. I would be too weak to deal with it, and too selfish too put up with it. Maybe you are made of something else. Very Honorable but I always ask --at what cost?
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:20 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: What is seduction to you?

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Of course there is that chance and I worry about it. Yes, I believe we have a great marriage and she tells me we do to. Yes, we are the best of friends. There really isn't anything I cannot talk to her about (except for maybe my filthy fantasies ). We do just about everything together, though we do also have our own interests. In fact she just went to California for a week for her sisters 50th b-day party without me and the kids.

I do not know that she has cheated and I highly doubt it, there are zero signs to that. I'm telling you she has nothing that turns her on. (And again it is possibly just me). But she rarely even mentions an attractive actor or anything.
Ok, thanks for the honest answer.

It sounds as if your wife is settled into her marriage. Her needs are more geared towards family life, and not towards sexual fulfillment.
I would stop the seducing, and back off 100%. She will no doubt, soon begin to feel pressured, and may start to resent you. There always a chance here, that not only does she not feel good about her body, but she will also start to feel inadequate to you in emotional ways.
Woman don't like to be nagged for sex.

Not to get too personal..; Does she ever become the aggressor in the BR? Or is it always you?
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:33 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Common theme on this forum, I feel for every one of you, every last one, I think you are all saints and your wives (or husbands) are blessed as the morning sun that you stay with them. They don't realize what YOU are giving up -just to stay with them. I couldn't do it, I would fall into an affair if I tried, I would have to get out. And then we could still "be friends". I concur with this. I refuse to be a cheating spouse, so I would have to walk away.

Not sure how you find contentment in this, religion may be an answer. Other hobbies to consume you -to keep you busy, taking a drug to suppress your sex drive (a low drive wife's husband did this for her, her thread in the sex forum). How sad that would be. No hobbies could distract me from not having sex; it is too important to me.

Can you live out your life this self-less for another? And what about resentment, how is this not building within you? I wonder about this too.

I guess so long as you can ward off the resentment and realize this is HER -and not take this too personally. But IF staying married (under these desireless circumstances) leads to a man or woman needing depression drugs to cope or feeling so low about themselves, destroying any self-worth they once had, these spouses have miserably failed them somewhere along the line.

Depends on how strong you are I guess. I would be too weak to deal with it, and too selfish too put up with it. Maybe you are made of something else. Very Honorable but I always ask --at what cost?
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:54 PM   #38 (permalink)
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What a horrible song! Remember the hair and outfits in that video?

YouTube - ‪Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby‬‏
Could be worse. Years ago we were getting all hot and heavy while listening to the radio. Sir Mix Alot came on and I swear to God there is NO WAY you can stay in the mood with lyrics like

"red beans and rice didn't miss her".


Last edited by Therealbrighteyes; 06-02-2011 at 02:59 PM.
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:58 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: What is seduction to you?

SA,

I don't know if I can live like this. As someone else pointed out in my Open Marriage thread, do I really have it that bad? I see how awfully some of the husbands and wives are treated on here and it just blows my mind that they stay. I did get tempted by a woman last summer and that scared me. Not only for my marriage but for my own integrity.

Please none of you get me wrong, I am no saint either. I can be a moody, depressive, pain in the arse so it isn't like she has it made! And I'm no Brad Pitt in the looks department either.
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Old 06-02-2011, 02:59 PM   #40 (permalink)
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She is very good to me and I feel loved, I just don't feel desired.
Check out this book to see what you can do to help cultivate that desire in your lady, and maybe understand more about her too: Amazon.com: ****fidence (9780983240303): Celeste Hirschman, Danielle Harel: Books
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Old 06-02-2011, 03:02 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Undertheradar,

I think you have hit the nail on the head with being totally geared towards the family life. I have backed off quite a bit but I can't do 100%, I just don't seem capable. I don't want to play games, I don't want to leave.

As for her being an aggressor. Prior to children, totally. In the last 7-9 years, it is me.
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Old 06-02-2011, 03:45 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Undertheradar,

I think you have hit the nail on the head with being totally geared towards the family life. I have backed off quite a bit but I can't do 100%, I just don't seem capable. I don't want to play games, I don't want to leave.

As for her being an aggressor. Prior to children, totally. In the last 7-9 years, it is me.
Ok, this is a good start.
Don't back off 100%, try to understand what she may be feeling.
Even though I'm a man, there was a time when I gained weight, business slowed down, and I didn't feel good about myself. I couldn't look friends in the face, nevermind hold my head up high as a man to my wife.
Your wife reminds me of so many wives in my inner circle of friends. It's very common.
As far as what you're feeling, you're expecting something from your wife, that she may not be capable of at the moment. Woman has the highest regard for how they feel about themselves. If she doesn't feel good about herself, she's not giving in to you,.. Period.

Does she have a desire to wear nice clothes?
Are you struggling finncially, to a point wear she's wearing old clothes every day?
Maybe you need to coax her out of her "family mode" slowly. Back off YOUR needs for a while, and see if you can fill some of hers.

BTW... My 50 yr old friends all have the same complaint. Their 50 yr old wives "lost it". I say it doesn't have to be that way.
I'm 52, and a tiger.
My wife is 37, and she still cheated on me, regardless.
So I say, respect your wife for all the wonderful qualities you describe, and help her through whatever it is you want from her.
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Old 06-02-2011, 03:56 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: What is seduction to you?

To me - anything.

Overtly sexy or hidden meaning.

I don't have to be wined and dined - that does nothing for me.

Put your arms around me, tell me you love me and that you want to f***k me - that's all it takes for me!
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Old 06-02-2011, 10:32 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Undertheradar,

No we are not that bad off financially we just spend a LOT on our childrens gymnastics. And the rest of your points are part of my problem. She tells me that all of her needs are met. If she tells me this and I can't see anything blatant that is missing, how the heck do I know what to concentrate on if she is really missing something???

MWIL,

Oh if only she were that "easy"...
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Old 06-02-2011, 10:37 PM   #45 (permalink)
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All her needs are met except for the part where she recognizes all your needs are met. Work on recognizing that you have needs too and then ask for them. If she loves you, your needs will be her needs shortly thereafter and there won't be a problem.
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