Under - I agree you are not being you and that is the hardest thing for someone who has always been straightforward and honest. You are also trying your damnedest to push her off the fence which eneds to happen. Unfortunately, you cannot control her behavior or force a change in her thinking, only she can. I agree completely that a hard lien needs drawn in the sand and a time limit put on it based on your limitations to continue which can't keep going forever. She knows what you need and want. She knows what she has to do. There has to be point where the work begins, the communications start to happen again and the door is reopened for that to start. Only you can tell if the two of you are at that tipping point. I guess my reason for saying this is that it critical to watch for that. It won't be 100% but there has be a quick reaction when it starts too look like it is hopeful. In my opinion, that is the time when you do have to give her safe haven and begin to support her in her efforts. Totally shutting her out and leading her believe you are done will result in her giving up and taking the easy way out which is just walking away. Backing off means reducing the pressure to agree 1000% RIGHT NOW. SHe's not ready to do that obviously. But it appears there is a crack in her armour and a desire to start moving away from separation and D. If the door remains slammed shut, she will walk away thinking there is no reason to put in any effort forward if there is no hope. I obviously am not in the put her out crowd and push this until you have everything NOW crowd. The best example I can give you is that no peace negotiations ever proceed when both sides are firmly entrenched and there is no room for movement or diplomacy. Yes maintain your boundaries and requirements - there is no reason to give those up. But it is a process that takes time.
It's because you can't be you. You can't come home, relax, greet wife with hug and kiss if you want, have nice meal together, go for walk together, hang with kids and snuggle in bed. You have to consciously be a d!ck to get her to try. Posted via Mobile Device
You are SO right.
Like I said, shutting down, may have me feeling blue today, but my gut is telling me to go with it. This might be my own defense mechanism kicking in.
I can't play games, but I could stop myself from getting abused any further.
Shutting down may just be what I needed to do.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I know the emotional roller coaster is a natural part of a relationship when it gets confusing. You do seem like a nice guy, and let me be bluntly honest with you here, I love nice guys. I think authentic nice guys who truly love and adore their marriages and families are rare gems. I admire it and I think if a woman has it and is a typical ***** so she takes advantage of it rather than gives the man what he deserves/wants that it stinks. You can still be a nice guy, an adoring family man and everything else even if your wife doesn't appreciate you. Just don't let her take you through the ringer and suck all the nice guy out of you in the process. There are plenty of strong, beautiful women who admire and want to please a strong, nice family man.
You seem to flounder even here on this thread based upon what you're reading and you seem ambivalent. Is your wife also ambivalent or does she stay fixed on where she's at and how she's feeling?
You have to have a plan. If you are raw and honest with your wife and she still plays the same song over and over, ask her to leave and file for a separation. Only you can decide if you're willing to live like you are with the hope that maybe your wife will make up her mind in your favor. You have a mind to make up too.
Your assessment is true. I am all over the place. I've never had to deal with anything like this, and my course of action has yet to be defined in my mind.
With that, I'm reading and listening to the many posts from experience, and applying as much as I could. There have been times where I had to go against the grain, and that's when I seem to fall off track.
When I say I want her out, I feel as if I want WHAT SHE'S DOING OUT of my my life.
Im still in shock, that this woman, that we've always had a good relationship with, decided to turn on dime against me, because she made a friend at work.
In one of her VAR's, she said that he was just a friend, but developed feelings for him, and cared for him.
How in God's name, can someone develop strong feelings for a part time co-worker after working together for three months?
How can you turn your back on someone that's been your best friend for 16 years for that person?
Well THAT"S what's got me so ambivalent.
I can't get her actions to make sense.
Even though I may not be as assertive as I was the past couple days, I'm at a point where I feel that NOTHING is the best course of action. In it's own way, I'll be doing the same thing anyway.
She was going to the beach today.Of course, I was asked to join. I politely dismissed myself.
I won't engage at all.
Under - I agree you are not being you and that is the hardest thing for someone who has always been straightforward and honest. You are also trying your damnedest to push her off the fence which eneds to happen. Unfortunately, you cannot control her behavior or force a change in her thinking, only she can. I agree completely that a hard lien needs drawn in the sand and a time limit put on it based on your limitations to continue which can't keep going forever. She knows what you need and want. She knows what she has to do. There has to be point where the work begins, the communications start to happen again and the door is reopened for that to start. Only you can tell if the two of you are at that tipping point. I guess my reason for saying this is that it critical to watch for that. It won't be 100% but there has be a quick reaction when it starts too look like it is hopeful. In my opinion, that is the time when you do have to give her safe haven and begin to support her in her efforts. Totally shutting her out and leading her believe you are done will result in her giving up and taking the easy way out which is just walking away. Backing off means reducing the pressure to agree 1000% RIGHT NOW. SHe's not ready to do that obviously. But it appears there is a crack in her armour and a desire to start moving away from separation and D. If the door remains slammed shut, she will walk away thinking there is no reason to put in any effort forward if there is no hope. I obviously am not in the put her out crowd and push this until you have everything NOW crowd. The best example I can give you is that no peace negotiations ever proceed when both sides are firmly entrenched and there is no room for movement or diplomacy. Yes maintain your boundaries and requirements - there is no reason to give those up. But it is a process that takes time.
I think "give her time" means she wants out but not really. Not because she loves you but because at the moment she's still in the fog and isn't ready for the loss of her life. She clinging to the notion of cake eating. Why oh why can't she have her friends and her single life and you just wait for her while she gets it out of her system. It's the reason you can't be a nice guy right now because the minute you do she gets the message that all is good.
She must be exhausted right now balancing up there on that fence.
How in God's name, can someone develop strong feelings for a part time co-worker after working together for three months?
How can you turn your back on someone that's been your best friend for 16 years for that person?
This isn't about you. It's like a drug. You can get hooked on a drug in 3 months. It's the high for her. It isn't about turning away from you it's about turning towards that rush.
Husband/kids = mundane life vs friends/job = excitement. Lets face it real life is boring sometimes. That doesn't mean you step out and act rediculous but that's exactly what many people do. Sad really.
I think "give her time" means she wants out but not really. Not because she loves you but because at the moment she's still in the fog and isn't ready for the loss of her life. She clinging to the notion of cake eating. Why oh why can't she have her friends and her single life and you just wait for her while she gets it out of her system. It's the reason you can't be a nice guy right now because the minute you do she gets the message that all is good.
She must be exhausted right now balancing up there on that fence.
Quote:
Originally Posted by magnoliagal
This isn't about you. It's like a drug. You can get hooked on a drug in 3 months. It's the high for her. It isn't about turning away from you it's about turning towards that rush.
Husband/kids = mundane life vs friends/job = excitement. Lets face it real life is boring sometimes. That doesn't mean you step out and act rediculous but that's exactly what many people do. Sad really.
Be cautious of I think this means this. Ask her directly what she thinks it will take to stay together and what she would like to happen long term. Don't take guesswork and conjecture on here as fact.
Be cautious of I think this means this. Ask her directly what she thinks it will take to stay together and what she would like to happen long term. Don't take guesswork and conjecture on here as fact.
She's not being honest with me. I've concluded that the ONLY honest thing out of her mouth, is the fact that she would prefer to be out of her marriage.
What I've concluded, is that the only reason she's not acting on it, because she would lose her "cake" and eat it lifestyle.
Print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires and ask her to fill them out with you. Share with each other. See what you learn. Use that info to create a plan. And let her know that if she's not willing to do this little bit of work then you will do it on your own without her. Show her that you WILL take this path with her, but you have to see work on her part. Respect yourself so she will, too.
What I've concluded, is that the only reason she's not acting on it, because she would lose her "cake" and eat it lifestyle.
My guess as well, though she may just feel like she's being pushed to it unfairly. That's why it doesn't pay to make your own assumptions.
All you CAN do is state YOUR beliefs and what you'll accept, tell her you want her with you, but if she can't accept those beliefs (no EAs, etc.), then you will have to go it alone. And let her know that you DO have a timeline before you take steps. Show her you will protect yourself. Then step back and let her decide.
Print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires and ask her to fill them out with you. Share with each other. See what you learn. Use that info to create a plan. And let her know that if she's not willing to do this little bit of work then you will do it on your own without her. Show her that you WILL take this path with her, but you have to see work on her part. Respect yourself so she will, too.
You're giving her too much credit. Right now, she's in a fog, and not receptive to ANYTHING positive about her marriage. She couldn't care less.
I asked her last week if she remembered "this good time, or that good time", and she acted as if it were a vague memory. If I ask her about an argument we had 5 years ago, it's as clear as day.
I don't want to work with her anymore. She's made a total fool out of me for three months.
If she realizes that I'm drifting away, and MAYBE comes to her senses, I'll listen.
I told her point blank a few days ago.... I told her the only way I'll believe her actions, is if she comes to me, and lets it be known that she wants t work it out 100% commited.
She laughed under her breath, and rolled her eyes.
OH VERY IMPORTANT!!! She comes home from work last night. And after not getting her goodbye kiss, she seemed pissed. SO I ask her, how was work? She says FINE (nasty tone). She seemed "dreamy" and in deep thought.
I asked if she worked with "John" (EA). She said yes.
This woman will never getpast this, as long as she gets reminded that they can no longe have the relationship they had. She told me, she would still be his friend, if I didn't tell him to stay away from her.
I told you.... It's all about the EA. She feels it was just a friendship, and I was a bully.
Without elaborating... want you to know that I have a "spotter" thats working with me to report her activity with her EA in the store. I wa just told that he won't and hasn't done anything more than say hello in passing. If they are working together, she can't get a smile out of him. He refuses to be her friend at work. This is why she's so pissed at me.
The spotter is a paid employee, that happens to have known me for many years. I approached him after the incident, and he's been my eyes and ears for now.
Ok you've seriously got to quit trying to read her mind. Deep thought and "dreamy" are not even close to the same emotion. I'll buy the deep thought but not the dreamy part. The nasty tone is my clue. It's a drug plain and simple. She came home high to you and it was a buzz kill. The deep thought is her trying to figure out still how to still cake eat or she's trying to figure out if the drug is worth losing her life over. And she's irritated because you won't give her "time" to choose.
Ok you've seriously got to quit trying to read her mind. Deep thought and "dreamy" are not even close to the same emotion. I'll buy the deep thought but not the dreamy part. The nasty tone is my clue. It's a drug plain and simple. She came home high to you and it was a buzz kill. The deep thought is her trying to figure out still how to still cake eat or she's trying to figure out if the drug is worth losing her life over. And she's irritated because you won't give her "time" to choose.
Absolutely correct.. LOL I wasn't trying to read her mind... LOL I was trying to convey her mood to you guys here TAM.
And yes, she's irritated about the time to choose, indeed.
Re: Interpret this ladies.... 
