What changed was YOU! Had you not done what you have been doing you'd be right were you were.
IC is the bomb!! I go every other week. Best money spent ever. We already have a relationship as I've been seeing this woman off and on for 12 years. She's like a life coach more than a shrink. I trust her and tell her anything. She's fabulous. She has truly saved my life and my marriage.
While IC is good - I really think for this marriage MC would be better. This problem was caused by both of you - her actions and your re-actions (which are understandable and I think even justified). But the bottom line is there was a break down in your marriage and in your relationship, probably with long term consequences.
Can you have a frank conversation with her about what has happened these past months and let her know that you understand that you both have contributed to the problem? The fact is that this situation has changed the dynamics of your marriage and relationship and the natural consequence is that there is damage that needs to be repaired. In my opinion, it is important that you BOTH figure out together why this happened and figure out how you BOTH can help it not to happen again.
Marriage counseling with a partner that feels coerced or dragged into counseling? Is a waste of time. They may work past their resistance ... and come around. Or worse, they pay it and you, lip-service.
If she WANTS her marriage to be more fulfilling, than counseling should be a no-brainer.
If she is still playing games ... she won't be interested, because she will feel like she's going to be called out or challenged.
Keep doing what you are doing. It may not look extraordinary from where you sit ... but don't sell short the fact that your dynamic HAS shifted. That doesn't just happen without one or both partners facilitating that shift.
And I don't mean to suggest that you are afraid of your wife. The fear is more about uncertainty. Which is exactly what you have. Don't worry about doing or saying the right thing. Once you have found your feet, and less focused on whether or not she is trying to hurt you ... or jeopardize the marriage, you will simply know what needs to be said, or needs to happen.
What changed was YOU! Had you not done what you have been doing you'd be right were you were.
IC is the bomb!! I go every other week. Best money spent ever. We already have a relationship as I've been seeing this woman off and on for 12 years. She's like a life coach more than a shrink. I trust her and tell her anything. She's fabulous. She has truly saved my life and my marriage.
Yes, acknowledged. However, the ONLY change I made, was showing her that I wasn't pursuing the issue anymore. I'm less receptive to her needs now, and apparently, this is what made her happy (or whatever she is). OTOH, she very well, could feel a moral victory here, because she got what she wanted..... That was to back me off, give her space, and not question anything, in any capacity.
Now, in her defense, this may not be a bad thing. I really don't want to bother her. I don't like to smother or chase her. I'm hoping that she developed a sense of boundaries within our marriage, and would use better judgement going forward.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mary35
While IC is good - I really think for this marriage MC would be better. This problem was caused by both of you - her actions and your re-actions (which are understandable and I think even justified). But the bottom line is there was a break down in your marriage and in your relationship, probably with long term consequences.
Can you have a frank conversation with her about what has happened these past months and let her know that you understand that you both have contributed to the problem? The fact is that this situation has changed the dynamics of your marriage and relationship and the natural consequence is that there is damage that needs to be repaired. In my opinion, it is important that you BOTH figure out together why this happened and figure out how you BOTH can help it not to happen again.
Do IC on the side, if you feel the need.
I agree. But right now, if I were to introduce MC, she would see it as a way to corner her. I'll let a little time pass for now.
I can have a frank conversation with her, but I do see that a couple minutes into it, she starts to close up. She doesn't want to hear about her mistake.
FWIW..... I know from a past VAR, that she knows exactly what she did, and how wrong it was.
She said she was surprised I didn't kill her and him.
(So am I)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo
Marriage counseling is good.
Marriage counseling with a partner that feels coerced or dragged into counseling? Is a waste of time. They may work past their resistance ... and come around. Or worse, they pay it and you, lip-service.
If she WANTS her marriage to be more fulfilling, than counseling should be a no-brainer.
If she is still playing games ... she won't be interested, because she will feel like she's going to be called out or challenged.
Keep doing what you are doing. It may not look extraordinary from where you sit ... but don't sell short the fact that your dynamic HAS shifted. That doesn't just happen without one or both partners facilitating that shift.
And I don't mean to suggest that you are afraid of your wife. The fear is more about uncertainty. Which is exactly what you have. Don't worry about doing or saying the right thing. Once you have found your feet, and less focused on whether or not she is trying to hurt you ... or jeopardize the marriage, you will simply know what needs to be said, or needs to happen.
I know my dynamic has shifted. I don't think she's out to hurt me anymore. Knowing her, I would guess that she's out to complete her transaction with me.
What I mean, is to obtain a sense of total freedom (even though she's married), a sense of independence (she got married young, and was a SAHM her whole life).
My SMART course of action, is to let her go where she wants to go.
If she WANTS to go out to places that I don't approve of, I have no intention of stopping her. If she wants to have her freedom.... as long as my family doesn't suffer as a result, I'll deal with it.
At the end of the day, I want to see who my wife truly is, and then we could both get a better sense of whether or not we should be together.
At least, the bickering, and fighting seems to have stopped. Now I need to give her as much rope as possible.
It's the only way to get her to show me how she perceives her life.
OK, so tonight I decided it was a nice night to iron some shirts. (Yes, I like to iron my own shirts. It takes me back to my bachelor days)
Along the way, I find an old bottle of Cucci cologne in my closet, and I simply put it on my dresser.
About 10 minutes later, she comes into the BR, and asks me why I got new cologne. I'm like huh? You talkin to me?
She replies, yeh...iron the shirts, new cologne, and who's this FB chick that keeps replying to you? (my friend's wife,....she doesn't know her ).
I didn't answer. She kept coming.
Finally, I said WHOA!!! This is coming from YOU? The same person that's been daydreaming for the past 4 months!! I didn't want to attack. I really didn't know how to react.
At that point, I decided NOT to engage anymore, thinking that it could been some kind of manipulation. I remembered I had to take something to a friend's house, and told her I had to go before it got too late.
You guys have been following this from day one.....
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?
WHERE DOES JEALOUSY COME FROM A WOMAN, THAT WANTED OUT SO BADLY?
Actually goes along with what we've been telling you - detach, and they will pursue. It's human nature. That's why they call it cake eating - they want YOU to want them, but they want someone else, too.
means she didn't mean it deep down when she said she wasn't in love with you anymore. she was just trying to convince herself that there was something else out there for her that she could love more...obviously there's nothing else out there she wants more than you.
if she didn't care about you...she wouldn't be territorial and afraid to lose you. she may be afraid of losing her lifestyle and home life but she's also afraid of losing the man she loves.
I agree with this. If she didn't have feelings for you the game playing wouldn't make her jealous. In fact, she most likely wouldn't notice it at all.
Your surprised because of all of the bickering and weird things she was saying before. It was a control issue with her regarding the EA. She DID begin to understand what she was doing wrong and was coming back to even if seemed like it was slow process. This is why I told you it was stronger return than you were reading and you needed to open the door and quit being remote. She is in fact ready to come back fully. Fast forward to this event. You haven't changed your detached mode of dealing with her. She sees something that she thinks is you straying. The OMG thoughts hit her along with jealousy and fear your going away.
DO NOT PLAY WITH THIS. As enticing as it may be to get her back, don't do it. Feel good about it. Revel in the love she's showing even if it's a twisted way. IMMEDIATELY let her know her fears are unfounded and that you want to and are going to reconcile with her and then let her know your boundaries and needs to make it work WITHOUT making it appear like blackmail. This is a golden opportunity to start the healing process and openess and honesty. Drop the detached fascade NOW! Start the movement to a better marriage!
Your surprised because of all of the bickering and weird things she was saying before. It was a control issue with her regarding the EA. She DID begin to understand what she was doing wrong and was coming back to even if seemed like it was slow process. This is why I told you it was stronger return than you were reading and you needed to open the door and quit being remote. She is in fact ready to come back fully. Fast forward to this event. You haven't changed your detached mode of dealing with her. She sees something that she thinks is you straying. The OMG thoughts hit her along with jealousy and fear your going away.
DO NOT PLAY WITH THIS. As enticing as it may be to get her back, don't do it. Feel good about it. Revel in the love she's showing even if it's a twisted way. IMMEDIATELY let her know her fears are unfounded and that you want to and are going to reconcile with her and then let her know your boundaries and needs to make it work WITHOUT making it appear like blackmail. This is a golden opportunity to start the healing process and openess and honesty. Drop the detached fascade NOW! Start the movement to a better marriage!
This is interesting, and I'm very cautious with her. I can only relay so much of her personality here on TAM.
My past experiences with her, weren't always so cut and dry. If she showed any form of jealousy, it would usually result in her "paying me back" in some way.
So with that.... I bring you this morning's topic....
Last night, she commented about some woman replying to a lot of my FB status'. Knowing her, there was a good chance that she was preparing me to "see something" from her side. I got this impression from a comment she made that... " if I did that, you'd be upset", and "don't get mad, if it happens to me".
As you can see, her jealousy turned a bit aggressive.
Sure enough, this morning some guy posted something with a heart on her FB page. It was a poll asking if she was a "date or dump" candidate. I do realize that these polls are usually FB generated, and not specific to that person. But anyone not knowing this, could easily assume he sent it to her.
I laughed it off, and told her it was "cute". I dismissed it totally.
Now.... to keep in line with what you're asking me to do...
When she went to work this morning, I thought she looked real nice. I was apprehensive about complimenting her, so I just told her to have a nice day.
HOWEVER, I too felt it was a good time to "open the door" a bit.
So I sent her a text a half hour later, telling her I thought she looked real nice today. I told her she looked sexy (she did)
She called me 10 minutes later, and asked... "do you think i looked sexy today"?
I just told her (again) that I thought she looked sexy and beautiful today.
Actually goes along with what we've been telling you - detach, and they will pursue. It's human nature. That's why they call it cake eating - they want YOU to want them, but they want someone else, too.
I'm leaning towards this. Here is another description. When people want something new they like to keep one hand on what is old. Less risky that way. They can test out the "new" while still having the "old" to go back to. Her attention is back on the old because she wasn't ready to give that up just yet and you forced her hand. Her attention is on you until that fear of losing you has passed.
Now what happens after that is still up for debate. Could go either way. She could get you back and decided yeah that's what she wants or she could get you back and decide that new is still better. Personally I think if you can keep your mojo she will ultimately choose you.
I'm leaning towards this. Here is another description. When people want something new they like to keep one hand on what is old. Less risky that way. They can test out the "new" while still having the "old" to go back to.
This is exactly it. That's why most waywards waffle so much. The longer the person on the receiving end allows this, the worse off chances for reconciliation will be. Force them to get off the fence by saying you're not into being second best and if they can't get down with that & committ solely to you, then you're not waiting around for them. Kapiche.
This is exactly it. That's why most waywards waffle so much. The longer the person on the receiving end allows this, the worse off chances for reconciliation will be. Force them to get off the fence by saying you're not into being second best and if they can't get down with that & committ solely to you, then you're not waiting around for them. Kapiche.
The problem here, is that there is NO WAY, I'm asking my wife to commit. I went down that road early on, and was greeted with "I don't know, I'm confused".
The way I've been playing it...... (This conversation took place last week).....
I reminder her that I'm very much aware of how she feels about possibly leaving. I reminded her that I've ACCEPTED the inevitable breakup, and I support it 100%. I've offered her support to get more hours at work, and told her that as soon as I feel I've had enough of the "just here for the kids", we'll discuss going our own way.
I also told her that the ONLY way I would feel otherwise, is if she comes right out and says how she feels about working it out, and backs it up with actions.
I will NOT ask her for anything at this point.
If I have to guess, I think she's trying to put something back. Whether or not it's from the heart, we'll see.
I'll play nice. I'll show her that I can be a good husband and father. I won't play anymore 180 games, but my gut is telling me not to chase her. So I guess somewhere in between works.
I have a 10 day vacation booked for June 25th. I'll wait a few more days to let her know that I never cancelled it. If I feel that we're not on the same page before that, I would prefer to give it to someone that can enjoy it. I have a married 29 yr old daughter. I'm sure she'll be happy.
You have to ask yourself, and anyone else in my situation..... Not only do we want to wait for a WS to come around, but you have to consider that the husband has to look at his wife, knowing that she considered leaving... whether she did actually leave or not.
That's a horrible thing to live with.
And THAT is where I believe MC will come in.
My wife could have questioned her heart.
She also could have been in the fog over the EA.
She could have been angry that I put a gun to the guy's head.
Maybe she felt that the grass MIGHT be greener.
I will admit..... There were times, that my wife said or did things over the years, that made me wonder whether or not we should be together. So I guess if this plays out, she deserves a pass for acting on her feelings, as much as I got a pass for feeling it, but never acting on it.
You have to ask yourself, and anyone else in my situation..... Not only do we want to WS to come around, but you have to consider that the husband has to look at his wife, knowing that she considered leaving... whether she did actually leave or not.
That's a horrible thing to live with.
Not necessarily. I've considered leaving on multiple occasions but it was really only because things were lacking in the marriage or I was messed up. It wasn't because I didn't love him because I did. This situation has the potential to bring you much closer together.
On a side note your actions are speaking way louder than any words could ever say. You are doing just fine.
Can I suggest you go read my post on white rabbits thread about my history. Get honest with her. Tell her you are waiting for her to commit to R 1000%. Your playing games until you do and not being honest. Tit for tat.
Re: Interpret this ladies.... 
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