Jellybeans

I agree. If you can't have an honest conversation about her about where you both see this going, then you've got nothing.

It sounds like she has realized she screwed up and wants to make it right with you.

turnera

Write out your list of your requirements in a spouse after said spouse has cheated. Give it to her. Walk away.

When she's ready (if she gets to that point), she can prove to you that she is/will fulfill those requirements.

Undertheradar

I want to believe it, and I'll see where this goes. But you may be right.

Potential problem here.... Spouse doesn't consider her actions cheating. Before I can present her with this, I would have to get her to a "happy place", where she's fully receptive to what I'm saying.
The last thing I want to do, is back her into a corner a again.
The best offense, could be a good defense.

I feel that if she realized her actions were in fact wrong, and she's commited to herself to come back home.... all I ask of her, is tp be the wife that I've grown to love, and look forward to seeing. I won't have to give her a list. That "list" was created in 15 years of marriage.
She knows the drill.
Maybe she fell off track.

As you can see, I'm trying to keep an open mind here.

magnoliagal

I think it's too soon for a list. You just got her to pursue you a little bit. I'd let it ride some before considering your next move. See how this plays out. I'm talking days maybe a week or so. No need to rush just yet. The ball is in her court so I'm curious what she does with it.

Now you under need to keep doing what you are doing. Detach but loving when the moment warrants it.

8yearscheating

I disagree. Staying detached will cause her to feel like he's done and there's no point. List - not written - just boundaries and general expectations that are REQUIRED to R. THAT places the ball firmly in her court to make the next move a meaningful one for you. But do reassure her your ARE NOT STRAYING!!!!

8yearscheating

Yet....

Undertheradar

I have to disagree.... Listen to your message........

Wifey can have an EA, ask to leave marriage. Turn stone cold, and go into a fog for 4 months. Verbally and mentally abuse the spouse at any given moment. Threaten the spouse with divorce, and indicate that they've been thinking about this for a while.....
Husband finally gets it, and backs off....
Wife blows dog whistle, and hubby come running back.

Not good.

As I said, I will show love. I will NOT show resentment, nor will I seek punsihment. But I CANNOT send the message that it would take me one day of niceness to dismiss 4 months of abuse, and hurt.

There are some members here, that are very much aware how hurt I was by my wife's actions.
She said she was DONE, ... And convincing me to do the same.

Not enough time has passed.

As far as I'm concerned, we're dating again..... And that's how I intend to treat it.

I'm getting theater tickets for a Broadway show next week, and dinner in Little italy Manhattan, and a babysitter.
I want to start from scratch, and see if she has it or not.

8yearscheating

Your call - just hope she doesn't head the otherway while your waiting for her to get on her knees and beg forgiveness.

Undertheradar

She DID head the other way, and the begging never worked.

I need to hold my ground as a man, like I always have been. I've never dealt with a cheating spouse in my entire life. This was a learning experience for me, and I had no idea how to handle it.

What I did learn.....

If they want out.... don't let the door hit them on the Ass on the way out!
OTOH, if I want to save my marriage and forgive my wife for attempting to destroy it, I don't have to chase her to do this.

If I were to meet a new woman tomorrow, I would treat her no different than I intend to treat my wife. I wouldn't chase her either. I would court her, and let her feelings flow naturally.
My wife was GONE, emotionally and she indicated that if she were able to financially support herself, she would have been gone sooner. It took me 4 months to get it, but I finally got it.

I intend to go slow.

It's either there, or it's not.

8yearscheating

I agree begging doesn't work. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Undertheradar

My actions are my boundaries. I won't tell her what to do. If she doesn't have a natural desire to please her man, then I shouldn't have to make a list of needs for her to follow.

I've gotten to know many of the women here on TAM, and I'll tell you that there are some women here that love to please their man.
Man can earn that respect, but shouldn't have to make a list of demands for it.

Trenton

Dude the women on here can say whatever the hell they want...don't fall into the same trap your wife did...

Undertheradar

What does that mean? That women don't like to please their man?
Are you saying that they're lying?

My own sister treats her husband with respect, and doesn everthing she can to make his life easy. Her husband does the same in return.

As far as a trap goes.... My wife made the trap. She pursued the prey.

8yearscheating

Yes she did, move on now.

Trenton

What I intended to say was that you're comparing apples to oranges. If you love your wife, you should work it out with your wife. Not read stories on the internet of women who love to slurp cum and believe the grass is greener so you might be willing to walk over to that grass.

You make your wife out to be such a villain but I don't see it that way from what I've read.