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Old 06-03-2011, 01:19 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interpret this ladies....

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Originally Posted by Undertheradar View Post
No, I made up that story. That was just an example.

One ACTUAL story was that I wouldn't ALLOW her to text with her EA.

Another, I'll take blame for this one...... She joined a local gym a couple years ago. It was a well known "hot spot", where men were having a field day picking up married women. A few friends of mine's wives actually quit the gym, because they couldn't take the blood hounds.
I told her I wasn't crazy about the place she chose, and I told her why. Of course, I was labeled a jealous maniac.
She eventually quit, but blamed me for it.
I'll take that one.... I just didn't feel comfortable with my wife there at the time. I let her know it, she didn't like it.
She quit, and she resented me for it.

Ok, crucify me.
I'm a bad one to say whether or not you were wrong on this one bc my husband NEVER had one single thread of jealousy in his whole body when it came to me. I could have gangbanged a football team and he would have been like, "Well honey...if that's what makes you happy then i'm happy as long as you've got some energy left over for me i'm cool with whatever you want baby."

UGH.
So had he said something like that to me about my gym of choice I would have felt desired and wanted...not resentful and controlled.
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Old 06-03-2011, 01:25 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interpret this ladies....

Is she a good mother overall? Does she put their needs behind hers? Do she stick them in front of a tv or video game so she can go do 'her' stuff? Is she changing herself after the EA to the point that the kids are going to suffer?
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Old 06-03-2011, 01:34 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interpret this ladies....

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Ok, crucify me.
Not from me. My husband would have done the same thing. He's isn't jealous per se but he is protective. I kinda like that about him.
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Old 06-03-2011, 01:56 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Not from me. My husband would have done the same thing. He's isn't jealous per se but he is protective. I kinda like that about him.
Amazing how different people perceive things.

I was crucified for expressing my displeasure about that place.

HOWEVER, I will admit that I was terribly WRONG!
My wife DID enjoy the ladies' classes very much, and I did trust her. I just hated the "meat market" environment.
Honestly, if I had to do it again, I would have told her that I didn't care for the place, and would have dropped the issue.

Even though I was a little jealous, as soon as I saw it had a negative effect, I should have been smarter about it.

That gym is clumped into her conversation as being one of the reasons for feeling the way she feels about leaving.
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Old 06-03-2011, 02:10 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Is she a good mother overall? Does she put their needs behind hers? Do she stick them in front of a tv or video game so she can go do 'her' stuff? Is she changing herself after the EA to the point that the kids are going to suffer?
She is a good mother. She does take care of the kids.
She just fell out of love with me
Everything else is honky-dory in her life.
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Old 06-03-2011, 02:21 PM   #21 (permalink)
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I just think it's weird that you're willing to give up day to day time with the kids so easily, unless you really are just ok with distancing yourself from them. If I were in your shoes, I would tell HER to start looking for a new place, since SHE is the one not wanting the family intact.
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Old 06-03-2011, 02:32 PM   #22 (permalink)
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I just think it's weird that you're willing to give up day to day time with the kids so easily, unless you really are just ok with distancing yourself from them. If I were in your shoes, I would tell HER to start looking for a new place, since SHE is the one not wanting the family intact.
I agree with you 100%. However, I'm not too concerned about the monetary gains or losses. I also feel very strongly about my daughters staying with their mother.

Also, the lifestyle come into play here.
My children have their friends and schools nearby. They have a good lifestyle, and I wouldn't want to take that away from them.
If her mother were to leave, a NY judge would not automatically give me custody, and therefore, my children would more than likely end up living in an apartment with their mother.
I'd prefer they stay in the house.
We live in a 4,000 square foot waterfront home. The home is valued into 7 figures. Part of any stipulation, would be the sale of the home anyway, and a division of equity.
If I were to leave, I would obviously get papers drawn first, and make sure I'm protected. Im sure she would do the same.

I say leave the kids there, until we work it out.
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Old 06-03-2011, 02:51 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Ny is notorious for being a "mom" state. Dads in ny get screwed.
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Old 06-03-2011, 02:58 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Then why don't you just slow down and not do anything for now? I just think you leaving right now, so fast, is going to be a mistake.

"Gee, I don't love you anymore."

"Ok, I'll move out. Have a great life with the kids and your new boyfriends."
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Old 06-03-2011, 02:59 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Why do you feel strongly about them staying with their mother? What does that mean? That, in separation, you'll become a weekend dad? Or every-other weekend dad? Are you looking forward to that? You just seem to be embracing it a little too easily.

Is she a SAHM?
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Old 06-03-2011, 03:52 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interpret this ladies....

My first thought - excuse my french - was beatch!

Booty call, I don't think so.

Either she wants the whole package or she gets none of it.

I agree - time to move on.

If my husband ever told me that he didn't want to try, didn't love me and only wanted me for a booty call - that would be the final straw that would kick me out the door.

The only reason I'm still there is that I know he loves me...that helps me to try and work things out and get through the issues.

But love gone - then I am.
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Old 06-03-2011, 04:03 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by magnoliagal View Post
Not from me. My husband would have done the same thing. He's isn't jealous per se but he is protective. I kinda like that about him.
My husband is very protective of me. I think that this is because he is older and slightly insecure about a younger man taking me away.

Mr.G does not like me alone on the train late at night. He is uncomfortable with clothing that makes men gawk at me, such as skimpy cleavage tops and skirts under my ass. I once saw these pet peeves as controlling, but now I realize that my husband sees me as a precious gift. After all, I will tell him if he is wearing clothes that don't flatter his body or skin tone.
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Old 06-03-2011, 04:03 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interpret this ladies....

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My first thought - excuse my french - was beatch!

Booty call, I don't think so.

Either she wants the whole package or she gets none of it.

I agree - time to move on.

If my husband ever told me that he didn't want to try, didn't love me and only wanted me for a booty call - that would be the final straw that would kick me out the door.

The only reason I'm still there is that I know he loves me...that helps me to try and work things out and get through the issues.

But love gone - then I am.

Geez,... The woman told me right to my face, "I don't want to be married"
She told me she has "nothing to give"
She told me she "feels empty inside"
She told me she "only with me for the kids"
She told me "she doesn't want to see me hurt, but she knows how much it will hurt me"

Need I hear anymore?

What am I waiting for?
The epiphany?
The second coming of a deep love from my wife.

The woman doesn't love me anymore.... Period.
Why should I accept anything less for myself?

Granted, it's very difficult to walk out. I agree. And there's a good chance that I'll be here until after I speak to my attorney.

But even if I accept her arrangement to be here for the kids, how would that work?
Do we do family things together?
Do we hold hands?

FWIW..... I'm a 52 yr old very intimate, affectionate man. I am not afraid of intimacy with a woman. I love to make my woman happy.
If she isn't willing to accept the very quality trait that I pride myself on, then what is it that I have to look forward to?
Should I become a husband zombie?
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Old 06-03-2011, 04:20 PM   #29 (permalink)
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There are some reasons why you might want to stay for the kids...every other weekend is just not enough time and the less they see of their dad, the more troubled they become. There are studies that point to this.

You don't need to be a zombie husband. Don't act like a husband at all. If I were you, I would be a cheerful, friendly roommate to your wife and a stellar dad. If she texts her EA, don't say anything. If she goes to the unsavory gym in red heels and lipstick, keep your lips buttoned. She's stopped being a wife, so it's not your concern what she does. Focus all of your affection on your kiddos and spend time with them together and individually. Listen to all their stories, take them fun places, teach them things.

You don't need to hold hands. You don't need to act like anything but cordial friends. Don't let her do anything more. If she isn't going to give love. Go ahead and do family vacations while you are living at the house. The children are still your family and they deserve some sense of normalcy.

It's important to never say bad things about their mother in front of them.

It's also important to have a conversation with your wife about your girls' best interests...that it's so important to have both their parents deeply involved in their lives. That you're going to be the best father in the world to her daughters and that should mean a lot.

Last edited by Meerkat Hat; 06-03-2011 at 04:29 PM.
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Old 06-03-2011, 04:40 PM   #30 (permalink)
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There are some reasons why you might want to stay for the kids...every other weekend is just not enough time and the less they see of their dad, the more troubled they become. There are studies that point to this.

You don't need to be a zombie husband. Don't act like a husband at all. If I were you, I would be a cheerful, friendly roommate to your wife and a stellar dad. If she texts her EA, don't say anything. If she goes to the unsavory gym in red heels and lipstick, keep your lips buttoned. She's stopped being a wife, so it's not your concern what she does. Focus all of your affection on your kiddos and spend time with them together and individually. Listen to all their stories, take them fun places, teach them things.

You don't need to hold hands. You don't need to act like anything but cordial friends. Don't let her do anything more. If she isn't going to give love. Go ahead and do family vacations while you are living at the house. The children are still your family and they deserve some sense of normalcy.

It's important to never say bad things about their mother in front of them.

It's also important to have a conversation with your wife about your girls' best interests...that it's so important to have both their parents deeply involved in their lives. That you're going to be the best father in the world to her daughters and that should mean a lot.

Your words are so right, but so difficult. The first thing i need to do, is turn myself off to my wife. Just because one partner feels a certain way, doesn't mean the other is ready.

I think I'll take your advice for now. I'll keep it cordial. I won't bring anything up anymore. As a matter of fact, I keep talking about the 180, if there was ever a time it's now.

Just a few minutes ago, she called to ask if I wanted to take a ride with her to the mall. I agreed.
By the time she got home, I realized that I shouldn't be so available.
I'm in m y gym clothes, and guess where I'm going?
Yep.. THAT gym.
Ef it all.
Today, I start MY life.

I'll be nice, but I don't have to babysit someone that doesn't want to be with me.
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