I don't think it's that she feels controlled I still say it's because it's because you took away her "fun".
Why can't she get a new job?
She told a friend of hers exactly that.
She said she was only having fun, and I took it away from her.
She likes her job. If WE BOTH wanted to save our marriage, getting a new job would probably be an option. But since her heart is already gone, why bother. I have no say so in the matter anyway.
We spent all day together. It was like being on a date with a strange woman, and knowing that she doesn't like you.
Very odd.
I'm not too sure, I have the inner strength to give her what she wants. I'm having a very hard time, emotionally with looking at her, and knowing how she feels.
Ok you've seriously got to quit taking this so personally. She's a bored housewife who got a taste of life and is now pouting because reality (you) came and reminded her she had a husband and kids. This isn't really about you it's about her. Trust me I've been where she is and while yes her resentment is aimed at you she's also stuck and she knows it.
If she truly wanted that life why is she still with you? Why hasn't she packed her bags and left? She knows she's being a brat but she can't stop it just yet. She's not done mourning. It's not about you. It's about reality/life. And yes sometimes it sucks. Time to put on the big girl panties and grow up. She's just fighting it that's all.
UnderRadar, don't give up on the marriage yet. You said when she took a week off you seen the old her. So that her is still buried there somewhere. Everything else as I see it, you are right on. Seems I'm just the opposite of your story. We are 17 mths in and I am weekly finding things to forgive myself and others for. Kind of a soul cleansing of myself, during this journey.
I believe she is depressed quite a bit and was in that condition proir to getting the job. the job was the fix for it, but actually the wrong medication. A Job would have only fixed things for a short term. The friendship was the extra pill that kept the fix working. You both need to go together to your MD and talk about depression. The Dr. can recommend meds to see if it helps her and it usually takes a couple different ones till you find one that fits. It will take a month for her body to start showing the benifits and she may not really notice much for a few more months. Adjustments in the amount of meds and yearly checks will be needed.
I fought long and hard avoiding the label of "Depression" but it's not just depression, stress, is the real culprit in the label. I have anxiety attacks which were outrageous. I once sat on the phone with my Dr.s partner for 40 mins in the middle of the night because the meds were not working yet. I felt horrible in the morning for that. The man missed sleep because I was freaked out. LOL I can laugh now but he was a blessing then.
I wish I could convince my husband to get on meds for the stress and depression he is going through. He lost his job 4 mths after the affair. So having no income and with unemployment running out he has a lot on his plate. Of course so do I, but my pills help.
Get her to see the Dr. with you. Explain things you see that pertain to depression. You don't have to tell about the affair. She can mention it if she finds it will help.
I'm a sahm. I'm glad you aren't moving out just yet. I've known your story but having it summed up like that makes me wonder if she isn't in mourning. She got a taste of an EA, got a taste of single life, new interests, got to forget she had a husband and kids. That's some heady stuff for a homemaker. I could see me falling into that trap easily if I wasn't careful. It's like a drug. And I've seen a few sahm's get addicted to that drug.
The reason she keeps reminding you that she has no feelings sounds almost robotic and depressed more so than as a dig towards you. You are just in the cross fire because you are the one who took her candy away.
She's in a fog just like in any other affair.
Quote:
Originally Posted by magnoliagal
Ok you've seriously got to quit taking this so personally. She's a bored housewife who got a taste of life and is now pouting because reality (you) came and reminded her she had a husband and kids. This isn't really about you it's about her. Trust me I've been where she is and while yes her resentment is aimed at you she's also stuck and she knows it.
If she truly wanted that life why is she still with you? Why hasn't she packed her bags and left? She knows she's being a brat but she can't stop it just yet. She's not done mourning. It's not about you. It's about reality/life. And yes sometimes it sucks. Time to put on the big girl panties and grow up. She's just fighting it that's all.
You are absolutely 100% right!!
I am NOT taking it personal, I came here to get opinions, and suggestions, on what MIGHT BE the cause of her actions.
The story has taken a whole new shape, since I first mentioned the EA.... Which may not be an EA after all.
Magnolia,
I've been suspecting everything you're saying. I truly believe that she's mourning her EA, too.
Of course, if I didn't come to this forum, I never would have known a damn thing about EA's and mourning, now would I?
UnderRadar, don't give up on the marriage yet. You said when she took a week off you seen the old her. So that her is still buried there somewhere. Everything else as I see it, you are right on. Seems I'm just the opposite of your story. We are 17 mths in and I am weekly finding things to forgive myself and others for. Kind of a soul cleansing of myself, during this journey.
I believe she is depressed quite a bit and was in that condition proir to getting the job. the job was the fix for it, but actually the wrong medication. A Job would have only fixed things for a short term. The friendship was the extra pill that kept the fix working. You both need to go together to your MD and talk about depression. The Dr. can recommend meds to see if it helps her and it usually takes a couple different ones till you find one that fits. It will take a month for her body to start showing the benifits and she may not really notice much for a few more months. Adjustments in the amount of meds and yearly checks will be needed.
I fought long and hard avoiding the label of "Depression" but it's not just depression, stress, is the real culprit in the label. I have anxiety attacks which were outrageous. I once sat on the phone with my Dr.s partner for 40 mins in the middle of the night because the meds were not working yet. I felt horrible in the morning for that. The man missed sleep because I was freaked out. LOL I can laugh now but he was a blessing then.
I wish I could convince my husband to get on meds for the stress and depression he is going through. He lost his job 4 mths after the affair. So having no income and with unemployment running out he has a lot on his plate. Of course so do I, but my pills help.
Get her to see the Dr. with you. Explain things you see that pertain to depression. You don't have to tell about the affair. She can mention it if she finds it will help.
We did have this conversation, and she feels that her feelings are for real, and not influenced in any way by her depression.
I understand anxiety very well, I suffered from it many years ago, and learned to recognize the symptoms. I beat the attacks with diet, exercise, and an overall strong will.
What happened with my wife caught me by surprise, and that''s why I may have over reacted.
FWIW...... I'm approaching a state of inner peace. I've accepted whatever reasons she has, and have made a FIRM decision to back off. She said enough to hurt. I want it no more.
I'm staying here at my home. She's out with the girlfriends, having a card game. I'm going out tonight with the guys. The kids are accounted for. And I'm feeling happy.
When you're in a feeling it feels real that's why it's called a feeling. It is real to her. If you want to remain married to her, if you love her then you've got to put in the work to understand her and try to help her understand her as well.
I'm not suggesting she's innocent or that your feelings aren't also valid, certainly they are. All I'm suggesting is that vilifying her and looking the other way may simplify things in the short-term but they won't solve them in the long-term or save your marriage.
You've got to get to her and you've got to do it in earnest with a willingness to see how she really feels without blame involved. You have to find a way to re-connect and build something newly beautiful, exciting and mutually satisfying.
When you're in a feeling it feels real that's why it's called a feeling. It is real to her. If you want to remain married to her, if you love her then you've got to put in the work to understand her and try to help her understand her as well.
I'm not suggesting she's innocent or that your feelings aren't also valid, certainly they are. All I'm suggesting is that vilifying her and looking the other way may simplify things in the short-term but they won't solve them in the long-term or save your marriage.
You've got to get to her and you've got to do it in earnest with a willingness to see how she really feels without blame involved. You have to find a way to re-connect and build something newly beautiful, exciting and mutually satisfying.
Trent,
I've been trying to reconnect for three months. I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride as well. I know what she feels is real. She feels that she doesn't want to be married, and there's no turning back for her.
Today is Monday morning, and I just finished spending an entire weekend together. I can't tell you how sad I feel today.
I can't describe how horrible it feels, to spend the weekend as a family, and yet feeling so isolated. She has turned off every emotion towards me, and only me.
She was online last nigh with a different male co worker. She was laughing, giggling, and having a great time. I sat there in the same room, just realizing that my relationship with my wife wont be repaired. She can't find the emotion to say two words to me.
I'm not taking anything personal either, but I have to be real, and accept that i may have done this.
As i said earlier, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not saying anything anymore.I'll just go through the motions, and do the best I can.. Posted via Mobile Device
Cancel the internet. If she wants to contact affair partners online, SHE can pay for it. Or put a lock on it that she has to get opened by you to use. When she balks, just shrug and say 'I'm not paying for you to cheat on me. If you want to contact other men while you're married, you can fund it yourself.'
She NEEDS to see you standing up for the marriage.
And btw, you can have an EA with FOOD. A PET. A BOOK. An EA is anything that takes you away from your marriage and makes you feel your marriage is worthless compared to that item. It has nothing to do with sex.
Cancel the internet. If she wants to contact affair partners online, SHE can pay for it. Or put a lock on it that she has to get opened by you to use. When she balks, just shrug and say 'I'm not paying for you to cheat on me. If you want to contact other men while you're married, you can fund it yourself.'
She NEEDS to see you standing up for the marriage.
And btw, you can have an EA with FOOD. A PET. A BOOK. An EA is anything that takes you away from your marriage and makes you feel your marriage is worthless compared to that item. It has nothing to do with sex.
Trent,
I've been trying to reconnect for three months. I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride as well. I know what she feels is real. She feels that she doesn't want to be married, and there's no turning back for her.
Today is Monday morning, and I just finished spending an entire weekend together. I can't tell you how sad I feel today.
I can't describe how horrible it feels, to spend the weekend as a family, and yet feeling so isolated. She has turned off every emotion towards me, and only me.
She was online last nigh with a different male co worker. She was laughing, giggling, and having a great time. I sat there in the same room, just realizing that my relationship with my wife wont be repaired. She can't find the emotion to say two words to me.
I'm not taking anything personal either, but I have to be real, and accept that i may have done this.
As i said earlier, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not saying anything anymore.I'll just go through the motions, and do the best I can.. Posted via Mobile Device
I disagree with turning off the internet. It will only cause more resentment and you've stated that resentment is already there. She is a grown adult who has contributed to the household for fifteen years. Treating her like a child should not be an option.
I will also say that although I agree that you can have an emotional affair with anything, on these boards it is almost always associated with another person and in this post it was associated with another person.
Your wife is on the edge of doing something really stupid that will destroy the lives you've built together but right now it appears to me that she is only flirting with the idea of destruction and rawly voicing her feelings with you rather than pretending they're not there. Most likely she was having these feelings for a long time but was voicing them scantily and feeling unheard or wouldn't allow herself to feel them causing her joy at what she thinks she wants to be magnified.
I don't think you should do nothing. I don't see why you should have to suffer for her joy when her joy is your source of pain. It's not a partnership then and it's not right that you should feel that upset by someone who is supposed to be sharing their life with you.
All I'm suggesting is to face her and recognize how she feels. Recognize her feelings and the source of her feelings directly to her. Be clear about the good things and times you've had over fifteen years and be clear that she is jeopardizing all of that so that she can feel the way she does now. Explain to her that you feel unloved & short changed by the choices she making now. Then refuse to tolerate it. You cannot control her actions but you can control your own and you don't for one moment deserve to be in a loveless, painful relationship.
I don't recommend playing the games of 180 or man up that dictates you should find yourself while manipulating your wife to change her affections towards you through becoming distant and aloof, but I do think you deserve a chance to enjoy your life. She wants to be on the internet all day giggling and laughing then you do something you want to do all day and make it clear to her that this is exactly what you're doing.
Take your children and enjoy your time together. Create a family that excludes her as she's obviously down with excluding you for her own gain. Plan a road trip without her and enjoy every minute with your kids. Tell her that she will one day turn around and all that you know she truly loves will be gone because strong relationships and families take constant work and dedication.
Be honest with her. Tell her you seek solace in the internet too. That you talk to strangers with similar stories who are lonely and think about establishing intimacy because she has shut you out. That you long to be touched by a woman and return the touch and that you're miserable having to live this life with her right now because she can't accept the legitimacy of your fifteen years together. Tell her that you, too, think about ending the relationship and are unhappy with where things are. Then add that you have hope that if she returned to you that you could work through this together.
She is being a selfish person right now but I do not think this means she doesn't love you or can't change or should erase who and what she was for the past fifteen years. It means she needs a wake up call and clear reminder of what she truly loves and what is important.
In the meantime you need to set clear boundaries and establish what you will tolerate and won't tolerate and stick with it. Set a time period and let her know about it. If she's still ignoring your needs and obliterating your connection to each other at the end of that time period, move further forward without her.
I disagree with turning off the internet. It will only cause more resentment and you've stated that resentment is already there. She is a grown adult who has contributed to the household for fifteen years. Treating her like a child should not be an option.
Another option would be for him to actually say something to her while she sits right NEXT to him and chats up another guy, but it doesn't look like he's going to do that, either.
Quote:
I will also say that although I agree that you can have an emotional affair with anything, on these boards it is almost always associated with another person and in this post it was associated with another person.
I posted that because he was arguing about whether she could be having an EA, given that the guy is gay.
Cancel the internet. If she wants to contact affair partners online, SHE can pay for it. Or put a lock on it that she has to get opened by you to use. When she balks, just shrug and say 'I'm not paying for you to cheat on me. If you want to contact other men while you're married, you can fund it yourself.'
She NEEDS to see you standing up for the marriage.
And btw, you can have an EA with FOOD. A PET. A BOOK. An EA is anything that takes you away from your marriage and makes you feel your marriage is worthless compared to that item. It has nothing to do with sex.
I'll explain a bit more. This other co-worker is ok by me. He's married, partially handicapped, and has a daughter with cancer. I met him and his family through my wife a few months ago. I gave them clothes for their children, a new computer, and assisted them with food. I don't feel threatened by him at all.
My ONLY issue, is her ability to enjoy her life with someone else. I wouldn't feel as I do, if I wasn't the only one left out of the jokes. I feel like a little kid watching all my friends play, and I'm not allowed to join the fun.
'This also showed me what exactly took place with the other co worker a few months back.
I honestly feel as if it's time I drop this whole thing.
Someone metioned earlier in the thread, that my wife may have had a life assessment. This may be true in a sense. It's starting to look as if she got her job, made some new friends, saw that she could laugh and enjoy life away from home, and realized that that life is more fun that what she has.
I'm willing to accept that, if that's what happened. And it's sure looking as if that's exactly what happened.
And that's also why she resents me so much for breaking up the other EA.
My wife does not REALIZE that she's in and was in a EA, and she's emotionally neglecting me.
Sooner or later, I will shut down. It's just that when you're the recipient, it's that much harder to do.
I love you guys.
You have all been my anchor, and have given me such an education.
Cancel the internet. If she wants to contact affair partners online, SHE can pay for it. Or put a lock on it that she has to get opened by you to use. When she balks, just shrug and say 'I'm not paying for you to cheat on me. If you want to contact other men while you're married, you can fund it yourself.'
She NEEDS to see you standing up for the marriage.
And btw, you can have an EA with FOOD. A PET. A BOOK. An EA is anything that takes you away from your marriage and makes you feel your marriage is worthless compared to that item. It has nothing to do with sex.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenton
I disagree with turning off the internet. It will only cause more resentment and you've stated that resentment is already there. She is a grown adult who has contributed to the household for fifteen years. Treating her like a child should not be an option.
I will also say that although I agree that you can have an emotional affair with anything, on these boards it is almost always associated with another person and in this post it was associated with another person.
Your wife is on the edge of doing something really stupid that will destroy the lives you've built together but right now it appears to me that she is only flirting with the idea of destruction and rawly voicing her feelings with you rather than pretending they're not there. Most likely she was having these feelings for a long time but was voicing them scantily and feeling unheard or wouldn't allow herself to feel them causing her joy at what she thinks she wants to be magnified.
I don't think you should do nothing. I don't see why you should have to suffer for her joy when her joy is your source of pain. It's not a partnership then and it's not right that you should feel that upset by someone who is supposed to be sharing their life with you.
All I'm suggesting is to face her and recognize how she feels. Recognize her feelings and the source of her feelings directly to her. Be clear about the good things and times you've had over fifteen years and be clear that she is jeopardizing all of that so that she can feel the way she does now. Explain to her that you feel unloved & short changed by the choices she making now. Then refuse to tolerate it. You cannot control her actions but you can control your own and you don't for one moment deserve to be in a loveless, painful relationship.
I don't recommend playing the games of 180 or man up that dictates you should find yourself while manipulating your wife to change her affections towards you through becoming distant and aloof, but I do think you deserve a chance to enjoy your life. She wants to be on the internet all day giggling and laughing then you do something you want to do all day and make it clear to her that this is exactly what you're doing.
Take your children and enjoy your time together. Create a family that excludes her as she's obviously down with excluding you for her own gain. Plan a road trip without her and enjoy every minute with your kids. Tell her that she will one day turn around and all that you know she truly loves will be gone because strong relationships and families take constant work and dedication.
Be honest with her. Tell her you seek solace in the internet too. That you talk to strangers with similar stories who are lonely and think about establishing intimacy because she has shut you out. That you long to be touched by a woman and return the touch and that you're miserable having to live this life with her right now because she can't accept the legitimacy of your fifteen years together. Tell her that you, too, think about ending the relationship and are unhappy with where things are. Then add that you have hope that if she returned to you that you could work through this together.
She is being a selfish person right now but I do not think this means she doesn't love you or can't change or should erase who and what she was for the past fifteen years. It means she needs a wake up call and clear reminder of what she truly loves and what is important.
In the meantime you need to set clear boundaries and establish what you will tolerate and won't tolerate and stick with it. Set a time period and let her know about it. If she's still ignoring your needs and obliterating your connection to each other at the end of that time period, move further forward without her.
Trenton,
I just want to say that you are LOCKED into what I'm feeling 100%
Anyway, my little girl is having field day at the park. I'm attending. So I'll be back in a few hours.
Do some research and find the most succinct, accurate description of an EA that you can find. Print it out. Hand it to her. Say 'this is why I am upset at what's happening, and this is why I felt obligated to stop what you and X had going on, harmless or not. I hope you can recognize it for what it is. What can we do to let you have the new, exciting life you feel like you missed out on, while still being married? What can we do so that BOTH of us are getting a fulfilling life, together? If nothing else, then for the sake of our kids?'
Do some research and find the most succinct, accurate description of an EA that you can find. Print it out. Hand it to her. Say 'this is why I am upset at what's happening, and this is why I felt obligated to stop what you and X had going on, harmless or not. I hope you can recognize it for what it is. What can we do to let you have the new, exciting life you feel like you missed out on, while still being married? What can we do so that BOTH of us are getting a fulfilling life, together? If nothing else, then for the sake of our kids?'
I did this, and it fueled her anger even more.
I'm reading my own replies, and it's very easy to come across as some insecure, jealous nut. It's very difficult to clearly describe what's going on here.
The way I see it, is my wife made these silly, goofy younger guy friends. They made her laugh all day, and she went back for more. The texts IMHO, were excessive and it pulled her EMOTIONALLY away from her partner.
By stopping it, I believe that she feels I took fun away from her.
Last nights round with this other guy was harmless fun. What got to me, is when I see a seemingly unhappy person, suddenly become very happy.
I found that very disturbing and yes, I took it personal.
This morning she asked me if I got mad last night. I told her that i now see what went on for three months Her answer was.... SEE, I told you it was harmless fun, and not anything more. I reminded her that having fun like that is ok. Doing for 20 hours a day, then asking to end your marriage over stopping it , was not ok.
I'm really getting fed up with talking about it.
I want to let go, in the worst way. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Interpret this ladies.... 
