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Old 06-06-2011, 09:14 PM   #91 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interpret this ladies....

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
It's best to keep to one thread, so people can see your whole history and give better advice. Where is it?

OK, here's what happened:
Well after hearing for three months how empty, and out of love my wife was, I exploded like a F*cking volcano!

I've been holding it in, and using this board to contain my emotions. I am typically not a soft guy. I am not afraid of anyone, never was, and nor am I the type to hold back my words.

Whatever it is happened in my marriage, has caused me to turn to mush. I realized that she had me by the corleones, and was playing me like a violin.

Here's what happened:

We take a ride to her job. She (of course) wanted me to wait in the truck, I chose to go get a cup of coffee in Starbucks (in the Walmart). She gave me attitude about going in there. When I got back to the truck, I went ape sh*t nuts. It was at that very moment, that I had heard enough.

I was like a rabid animal all the way home.

We got home, I told her she could take her empty heart, and lack of love and shove it. I told her I was through with her game, and will give her what she wants... And that is to be alone.

Tonight, I sat her down, and told her i was at the end of her rope. Three months of living with a person so adamant about breaking up her marriage, was enough for me.
Her attitude, was cold. She really doesn't care.
She told me to handle it any way I wanted to. She confirmed that she wants out, I confirmed that I waited long enough.

I told her I would prefer to sell the house, and move on. And she agreed.

I know this isn't what I truly wanted ( I admit), but half hearted marriages don't work. This woman. plain and simple doesn't love me. It's time to move on.

I need to stay strong.
I need to stay strong.
I need to stay strong.
I need to stay strong.

And yes, that's me in my avatar.
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Old 06-06-2011, 10:01 PM   #92 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interpret this ladies....

Ape sh*t nuts isn't going to help you. Not ever. I get it trust me, I know the feeling you are talking about, but it does not, and will not ever serve you well.

So ... now I'm going to suggest doing the thing that Trenton finds fault with. You need to detach from this woman. Both emotionally and physically. This is for you ... not her. You need to find your feet so that you DO NOT go ape sh*t every time YOU allow her to push your buttons.

Reaching out and trying to understand feelings that she is unable or chooses not to convey to you is a fool's errand.

And ... serious question; are you fully prepared to divorce her?

Because you are in gut check mode now. You have spouted off and told her what you plan on doing ... she doesn't need to do a blessed thing other than wait around and see if you will do it ... and if you don't? You further erode what little if any shred of respect she has for you. If your threat is hollow, you are sending her the message that you will tolerate just about any lunacy she can throw your way. Do not make threats that you do not intend to follow through on.
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Old 06-06-2011, 10:13 PM   #93 (permalink)
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Do you have kids?
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Old 06-06-2011, 10:19 PM   #94 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interpret this ladies....

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Do you have kids?
Yes, two daughters 7, 12 together, and she has a 17 yr old from her first marriage with us.
Three girls all together.
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Old 06-06-2011, 10:24 PM   #95 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
Ape sh*t nuts isn't going to help you. Not ever. I get it trust me, I know the feeling you are talking about, but it does not, and will not ever serve you well.

So ... now I'm going to suggest doing the thing that Trenton finds fault with. You need to detach from this woman. Both emotionally and physically. This is for you ... not her. You need to find your feet so that you DO NOT go ape sh*t every time YOU allow her to push your buttons.

Reaching out and trying to understand feelings that she is unable or chooses not to convey to you is a fool's errand.

And ... serious question; are you fully prepared to divorce her?

Because you are in gut check mode now. You have spouted off and told her what you plan on doing ... she doesn't need to do a blessed thing other than wait around and see if you will do it ... and if you don't? You further erode what little if any shred of respect she has for you. If your threat is hollow, you are sending her the message that you will tolerate just about any lunacy she can throw your way. Do not make threats that you do not intend to follow through on.
Yes, I understand. I normally don't get that way. It takes a lot to get me to that point. I couldn't take it anymore, the rejection, the insults, the cold hearted conversations, her threats to leave. They were driving me insane! It has been three months of this stuff.

Afterwards, we sat down, and i told her we need to do this. I told her I didn't want to be in this one sided marriage anymore, and she agreed. We also agreed that we don't know how to go about this. Neither one of us has a place to go, and I refuse to walk out, and so does she.

Checkmate.
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Old 06-06-2011, 10:34 PM   #96 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interpret this ladies....

Separate bedrooms. It's better than taking a parent away from the kids.
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Old 06-06-2011, 10:42 PM   #97 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
Ape sh*t nuts isn't going to help you. Not ever. I get it trust me, I know the feeling you are talking about, but it does not, and will not ever serve you well.

So ... now I'm going to suggest doing the thing that Trenton finds fault with. You need to detach from this woman. Both emotionally and physically. This is for you ... not her. You need to find your feet so that you DO NOT go ape sh*t every time YOU allow her to push your buttons.

Reaching out and trying to understand feelings that she is unable or chooses not to convey to you is a fool's errand.

And ... serious question; are you fully prepared to divorce her?

Because you are in gut check mode now. You have spouted off and told her what you plan on doing ... she doesn't need to do a blessed thing other than wait around and see if you will do it ... and if you don't? You further erode what little if any shred of respect she has for you. If your threat is hollow, you are sending her the message that you will tolerate just about any lunacy she can throw your way. Do not make threats that you do not intend to follow through on.
Things that make me go hmmmm.

He has not tried my advice in any way, shape or form so suggesting differently is just another (easier, self serving) avenue. Sure he can do it if he doesn't want to lead her out of it, doesn't want to remain married or keep his family (with children!) in tact.

What I am telling him to do takes selfless understanding joined with selfish desire. What you are telling him to do anyone with half a brain can do...reclaim yourself and walk away from your wife as she has begun to walk away from you--be swept away by your own needs and let her deal with the under current.

Keep this in mind Undertheradar...

Getting angry won't work. Dig deep within yourself to find the love that withstands and then dig deeper within her to bring her back to the surface. If you don't, you will live in limbo believing you did everything you could when in reality you did what you had to do for yourself alone.
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Old 06-06-2011, 11:15 PM   #98 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interpret this ladies....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
Things that make me go hmmmm.

He has not tried my advice in any way, shape or form so suggesting differently is just another (easier, self serving) avenue. Sure he can do it if he doesn't want to lead her out of it, doesn't want to remain married or keep his family (with children!) in tact.

What I am telling him to do takes selfless understanding joined with selfish desire. What you are telling him to do anyone with half a brain can do...reclaim yourself and walk away from your wife as she has begun to walk away from you--be swept away by your own needs and let her deal with the under current.

Keep this in mind Undertheradar...

Getting angry won't work. Dig deep within yourself to find the love that withstands and then dig deeper within her to bring her back to the surface. If you don't, you will live in limbo believing you did everything you could when in reality you did what you had to do for yourself alone.
I do admire your optimism. Even if I have no clue what it is you're recommending.
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Old 06-07-2011, 05:10 AM   #99 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interpret this ladies....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
Things that make me go hmmmm.

He has not tried my advice in any way, shape or form so suggesting differently is just another (easier, self serving) avenue. Sure he can do it if he doesn't want to lead her out of it, doesn't want to remain married or keep his family (with children!) in tact.

What I am telling him to do takes selfless understanding joined with selfish desire. What you are telling him to do anyone with half a brain can do...reclaim yourself and walk away from your wife as she has begun to walk away from you--be swept away by your own needs and let her deal with the under current.

Keep this in mind Undertheradar...

Getting angry won't work. Dig deep within yourself to find the love that withstands and then dig deeper within her to bring her back to the surface. If you don't, you will live in limbo believing you did everything you could when in reality you did what you had to do for yourself alone.
I'm not sure what you're trying to say. But I have tried everything in my power to avoid this.
I am no longer angry. I had to have that explosion, or I was gonna have a heart attack. No one should hold back all that emotion for so long.

Tunera:
Wasn't it you that kept saying i should leave? You must have said three times.
Now it's separate bedrooms? Is that really the solution for being with someone that insists that they would rather not be here?
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Old 06-07-2011, 06:24 AM   #100 (permalink)
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The point is ... if you leave the home, you establish the precedent that will be used by the courts in determining who stays in the home and who the primary custodian of the children will be ... and that will be your wife.

She's the one that wants out. I'm all for equality. She should leave.

That's the point. Make the decision you need to make. All Turnera or anyone else is trying to suggest is that most folks here have already been to the rodeo, and know the ins and outs of how it rolls.

I wanted out. I moved out. Now I pay my ex 30K a year and see my kids every other weekend. Just setting your expectations.
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Old 06-07-2011, 07:32 AM   #101 (permalink)
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Quote:
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I do admire your optimism. Even if I have no clue what it is you're recommending.
I'm saying do the 180/man up without the manipulative aspect. As in, hey I'm heading out (not telling her where you are). Don't create a separation between the two but rather fight for the connection you have or had.
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Old 06-07-2011, 08:10 AM   #102 (permalink)
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Well the morning took a whole different turn......

I feel as if my emotions are in some form of transition. As a man, I never thought I could have so much emotion. I've always been pretty much a hard ass, but this sh*t shredded me up pretty good.

Anyway.
She gets up this morning, and tells me she'll try harder. I said try harder to what? Fake your marriage some more?
I told her not to bother. I told her that three months of waiting for my wife to decide whether or not she wants to be married is long enough for me.
I told her to take her sh*t and get the f*ck out. She looked at me bewildered. I said... yeh, that's right, get the f*ck out. Go hang out with your walmart, FB and txt friends. And make sure you wear the highest heels, so you can get the most attention!
I told her I had reached my boiling point. I honestly did, and I think many saw this coming.

Ok, so then she tries to hit me some more mental abuse.... She says, but I DO love you, and I'll try to see if I could give you more! LOL... I started laughing! Are you F*ckin serious, I said?
Start making arrangements to leave. Maybe a few months aways would help us both.

I went take a shower, and she went to work.

Maybe she needs to have a miserable day once in a while.

I am so fed up with the BS.
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Old 06-07-2011, 08:33 AM   #103 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interpret this ladies....

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Originally Posted by Undertheradar View Post
I'm not sure what you're trying to say. But I have tried everything in my power to avoid this.
I am no longer angry. I had to have that explosion, or I was gonna have a heart attack. No one should hold back all that emotion for so long.

Tunera:
Wasn't it you that kept saying i should leave? You must have said three times.
Now it's separate bedrooms? Is that really the solution for being with someone that insists that they would rather not be here?
I must have been drunk, then. I NEVER tell the BS to leave. I tell the BS to get the WS to leave, but never the BS. Telling the WS - and having the WS experience life without the support system they supposedly now despise - is a great eye-opener. And I would never tell a BS to let the cheater take the kids.
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Old 06-07-2011, 08:36 AM   #104 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interpret this ladies....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Undertheradar View Post
Well the morning took a whole different turn......

I feel as if my emotions are in some form of transition. As a man, I never thought I could have so much emotion. I've always been pretty much a hard ass, but this sh*t shredded me up pretty good.

Anyway.
She gets up this morning, and tells me she'll try harder. I said try harder to what? Fake your marriage some more?
I told her not to bother. I told her that three months of waiting for my wife to decide whether or not she wants to be married is long enough for me.
I told her to take her sh*t and get the f*ck out. She looked at me bewildered. I said... yeh, that's right, get the f*ck out. Go hang out with your walmart, FB and txt friends. And make sure you wear the highest heels, so you can get the most attention!
I told her I had reached my boiling point. I honestly did, and I think many saw this coming.

Ok, so then she tries to hit me some more mental abuse.... She says, but I DO love you, and I'll try to see if I could give you more! LOL... I started laughing! Are you F*ckin serious, I said?
Start making arrangements to leave. Maybe a few months aways would help us both.

I went take a shower, and she went to work.

Maybe she needs to have a miserable day once in a while.

I am so fed up with the BS.
Now THIS is what I've wanted you to do. Stand up for your marriage and tell her to leave if she hates it so bad. IMO, this is almost the ONLY way to get a cheater to quit and recommit, short of exposing an active affair.

And I agree, she DOES need to have a miserable day. Spoiled SAHMs get a really skewed view of the world, and such a day can be a great thing.
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Old 06-07-2011, 08:38 AM   #105 (permalink)
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Default Re: Interpret this ladies....

Now step back and SHUT UP!

Be mysterious. Don't say a word to her. Stay mad. But be malleable - if she decides to try to 'win' you back, let her. Let her see that she'll lose you if she doesn't recommit.

I get that you're mad, but don't throw away your whole family at this point just because you finally boiled over.

A marriage can survive anger; it can't survive a third person.
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