magnoliagal

YES YES YES!!! OMG I think I've been dying for you to say those words to her. Now if you only can mean it and not back down. Could be the best thing that ever happened to both of you.

turnera

WR, what has happened - if he sticks to his guns - is that he has now taken control of his marriage. If he wants her back, he can now set high standards for what he will accept. Such as insisting on marriage counseling, changing how they deal with each other, weekly relationship discussions, 20 hours a week of non-work/home related time together, filling out EN and LB questionnaires...he can request and demand a lot of WORK on her part, wherein she can come to learn exactly what she should be contributing and maybe even embrace it, and thank him for showing her the way to happiness together.

Undertheradar

Hello, my friends.

Today, I feel like I was born again.

I've been taking it on the chin for 3 months, and very much afraid to react, out of fear of causing more damage.
As you can see, I didn't start this thread just to strike conversation. I came back morning noon and night for your wisdom, and knowledge, and absorbed as much as I could.
And I thank you for keeping your input coming.

I've been holding in my true feelings, because I felt that she may have been bluffing, and I didn't want to be the catalyst in our inevitable separation.

This morning, I saw a desperate fool. The power spell that she had over me, was lifted. She lost her full control, and her goal was to hurt me as much as possible. She wanted REVENGE for breaking her EA, and knew that I had a bullseye on my back, and I couldn't do a damn thing about it.

I intend to keep you guys updated 100%.
*** I feel like I have a little video camera on my life**

I will take Magnolia, WR, and Turnera's advice to hold my own, and back off.

WR, my dear, you are 100% right. No matter what she says, I feel it's only for her security and convenience. I don't believe anything out of her mouth anymore.

magnolia;
I won't back down at this point.
LOL.... She's calling me as I write this, I won't even answer. If I had a dollar for every time I called her during the past few months, only to feel as if I invaded her space, I could retire.
Knowing her...She's calling me to see if "I'm OK". I'm fine. It's time she stew in her own pot!

Turnera,
I won't be bothered.

I have work to do. This nonsense ran its course with me for much longer than it should have.

I couldn't / wouldn't do anything because I honstly didn't know what to do. I guess that cup of coffee last night was fate.

magnoliagal

or anything that takes excessive time away from the marriage. Could be a job, an addiction, a hobby, facebook, anything really.

magnoliagal

You know now this isn't true right? You absolutely CAN do something about it. Don't take it.

Stay strong!

Undertheradar

I'm done with that scene. If she's mad that I took something away from her (as she put it), when then it's just too bad. I paid the price, I took my punsishment.

turnera

So....you're done with the marriage? No matter what happens?

Undertheradar

I'm done with HER. She has done her share of harm, and openly said that she doesn't love me, and has nothing to give into this marriage.

Should I want her? Of course not.

Regardless of her actions, I expect my partner to want to be with me. She doesn't wnat what I want.

If my marriage isn't over, well then SHE has a LONG road to prove to me otherwise. I feel real bitter right now.

Not sure I can trust her anymore.

turnera

Ok, that's what I wanted to hear. Never ever make life decisions when you are in an emotional state.

That's why I said step back and shut up and let things happen as they will. Don't throw away a marriage just because you're mad and fed up. If we did that every time we had an argument, no one would be married.

Let her prove herself to you. As you said, it will be a LONG road for her to do that. Let her. And if she chooses not to, you are no worse off than you are now.

Undertheradar

I know the pattern....
She'll come home later, and ask me if I'm OK. Then she'll put her arm on me, and stroke my back or my arm, in a loving manner.

Then she'd EXPECT me to loosen up and ask her if she's had a change of heart. Then of course, she would seize the moment to say that she cant help how she feels.

I want no part of that script anymore.

So help me out here....
When she comes home later, I keep my distance ( I want to). At some point, she WILL come over to me and initiate a friendly talk. She'll act as if nothing happened.

How do I respond to this?

magnoliagal

Turnera is right. I almost threw my marriage away at year 7 because I was fed up and bitter. We worked through it and became stronger because of those hard times. Growth comes from bad times not the good ones.

magnoliagal

My brain is muddled at the moment but I'm thinking direct is key. Say something like "oh no you can't just walk in here and expect me to just forget how you've treated me. I'm mad and I still want you to get the **** out. Go be with your friends. I'm done".

Then calmly walk away.

turnera

Yep. Be direct.

Also have, written down, a list of what you require from her to be able to consider staying married.

Until you have:
written OM (if appropriate) a No Contact letter that I approve and send myself
given me the passwords to your phone and computer
handed them over any time I ask for them without complaint, until I feel safe enough to quit triggering and asking
find and sign us up for the best marriage counseling you can find
attend said counseling for at least 6 months
actually done the homework given at said counseling such that we start to see mutual progress and a path to happiness
done enough soul searching that you come to realize that marriage takes work and I expect you to work at it just as much as me...

Until you have done these things, I think it's best we make plans to separate so I can find someone who DOES believe in these things.

Undertheradar

LOL... She just called my office...
In the sweetest, kindest, most endearing voice, she asked me how my day was going.
She tried to initiate some small talk about her job. I told her I had to go, I was busy.
This woman wants to dish it out, but ignores what she gets back.

If there ever was a time where actions will speak louder than words, I know it's now.

magnoliagal

That is funny. Who is running the show now? People can be so predictable sometimes. I know its easy for me to say this because I'm not in the middle of it like you are but still it's comical that she's trying to get back to her cake eating. Darn you for messing that up. You aren't supposed to kick her out you are supposed to just sulk and wallow for her while she plays at having her single life. Oh and take care of those pesky little things called "kids" while you are at it. Didn't you read the script she wrote?