freeshias4me

I know this might not seem like much to others, but I'm frustrated.
It's coming upon our 5th Wedding Anniversary, and I was hoping just for "something".
He's slow on work now, so I made a hand-made ceramic votive for him, with my own money. I paid a fair bit to make it, put HOURS into painting it. I didn't want him to feel he had to pay a lot for our Anniversary, so I told him my present could be him stopping smoking (He always said he wanted to).

The problem is... I don't think he'll give it much effort, not the effort it deserves, and so I'll be left out of both an Anniversary present, AND the effort towards me it takes. (He WON'T volunteer to buy even a card or flowers if he fails, and needs a different gift- last year he gave me "permission" to buy myself flowers with his debit card).
He also now can't be bothered to help me put up the pool for me and Daughter (heavy inflatable type, I can't do myself)...So I volunteered to do the work of levelling the ground out, AND the cost of filling it ($125)...
I also don't think he's wanting to stop drinking, either.

Basically, in my mind, he's only wanting to do what HE wants...be DARNED what the wife or daughter wants.
He figures as long as the bills are paid, everything's fine

2xloser

Time for a BIG sit-down talk... this is not abou the anniversary or a gift. This is about your relationship, his lack of respect for you, and him meeting your needs beyond a paycheck.

It also therefore needs to be about if/how you are meeting HIS needs -- and that is where you should start your talk.

Be non-confrontational, positive - but direct. All about wanting to help him make some changes because you're seeing a direction that will make you unhappy, and you do not want to be unhappy. You want to be with him.

Suggest MC... I think it would do wonders to force communication in a way you clearly don't have today.

Blanca

I know how you feel! My last wedding anniversary was a disaster. It was on a saturday and my H said he was working- all day. In the last three years he has never worked on a saturday. I was really ticked off, or hurt, and I let him know it.

I think days like these are just an expression of all the chronic neglect we feel everyday. It just reaches a pinnacle on the one day that they are supposed to make us feel special. The only thing that helps me is trying not to judge my H. I dont feel special around him but does that make him a bad person? It probably means he's just not in love with me, or at least he doesnt show it in a way that i feel it, but it doesnt make him a bad person. There's no reason to be angry with him if i accept that he has the right to love who he chooses and express it how he chooses. I let him know how i feel but i try very hard not to blame him or hate him, and i try to fully accept that he has no obligation to change. If i can keep this mind set then i dont get resentful or angry, which helps me. I still feel sad and I ask myself if this is how i want to be loved the rest of my life. I think maybe i should leave. But it takes the hate, anger, and resentment out of me which is good for me.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

2xloser

I still don't know why you both won't sit down and have this serious converdsation about your needs and wants, and give these men the *opportunity* to do something about it because they know you are seriously unhappy.

I wish to God my wife had grabbed me by the scruff of the neck to make me understand she was starting to emotionally distance herself from me because she *thought* I was more interested in a damn job..... before she bagan her affair.

Blanca

You assume after reading this single post that a serious conversation about needs and wants, and the severity of unhappiness, has never occurred. Kind of a rash assumption, dont you think?

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

2xloser

I'm sorry... yes, it actually was. I apologize; I did assume. Certainly from the OP looking for counsel on what to do, but then to you as well. My bad.

freeshias4me

Heya...Thank you for all your help!
Blanca, I LOVED your post...It's a lot of how I feel.
He would NOT go to counselling, and he doesn't like serious conversation of any kind, especially if it involves effort on his part.
He always feels you should take the person for who they are...Which is true, for the MOST part...But I do believe changes are necessary in some instances, to make the OTHER happy, or even just a compromise.