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The housework attraction connection

7K views 68 replies 26 participants last post by  Mr. Nail 
#1 ·
This comes up all the time. There is no direct relationship of the uber simplistic sort more housework <> sex. This conundrum is confusing only because of the different perspectives.

His perspective is he wants sex.

Her perspective is misunderstood, at least in my experience which I THINK is common. The issue arises when she is taking on more than her share of the work in domestic land. YES she wants you to do your share of the housework. But not as some quid pro quo, but because the two are supposed to be PARTNERS, not her responsible and him doing what little he has to to get what he wants. YES she is tired from doing all this stuff.

Will getting on board with more housework get you sex? No. It is the bare entrance fee to doing your share and not letting resentment seep into your relationship.
 
#14 ·
I do most of the chores inside and all the chores outside and it does not increase Mrs.CuddleBug's sex drive.

She appreciates it and can relax on her days off, watching TV, on her laptop and just chillin on the couch. But again, does not increase her sex drive.

To increase her sex drive she must feel confident and sexy about her body and at present, not happening, so little to no sex.
 
#19 ·
My take is that if you're going to help out, it has to be because you actually want to help out. If you've got another agenda for helping out, its actually worse than doing nothing.

It's another one of those "it's the thought that counts" things mostly.

I've always paid for everything. It's nice to see some appreciation for paying for everything too though, even though it's really "our" money. I think maybe that was technovelist's point.
 
#20 ·
My take is that if you're going to help out, it has to be because you actually want to help out. If you've got another agenda for helping out, its actually worse than doing nothing.
I hate the idea that it's "helping out" TBH. Just the term makes me feel like he's helping her with her chores, not that he's doing his own responsibilities/job.
 
#21 · (Edited)
I'll tell you how I feel it may be similar to how other women feel.

I am trying to understand. Every time I read about the expectation of reward sex, I cannot get my head around it. A husband and father needs to work no matter how much sex they have. If his wife were out of the equation, he would need to work to support himself and his children. He needs to work because a man's work is a large part of who he is. Why is this so hard to understand?

Are you sure your wife values your support of your family more than she values her support of your family? Do you undervalue what she contributes and overvalue your paycheck and therefore lack appreciation.

Suppose she feels "I've done so much for my husband. It's would be nice to see some appreciation for having his children, nurturing them, making a home, being a companion, taking care of the home front so he can concentrate on his work, even though it's really "our" family. He is never satisfied nor does he appreciate what I do" What do you do that shows her appreciation? Do you feel she does less for you than you do for?

I don't expect to be understood because I can't understand the sex reward thing. Sex is an intimate act of love and emotional closeness. It's mutually satisfying act or should be. Rationalizing it as a reward shows that sex is for benefit of one participant. I don't know what incentive the other participant would have. If it's a gift, wouldn't that be under the control of the giver based on feeling valued and loved? If it is required, it's not a gift.
 
#23 · (Edited)
I wonder how true this is....I think when a person feels especially cared for & loved through "Acts of Service" ...these sort of arguments & misunderstandings take place more so...as they are more sensitive to it's LACK.....just as a time or touch person would be especially sensitive to feeling her H doesn't spend enough time with her.. or wasn't AFFECTIONATE enough...

Also when a couple is so swamped, TOO BUSY, STRESSED, feeling pulled in every direction, cant fit enough time in the day..(we live in a very fast paced society even with all the modern conveniences)... many times 1 or both begin to feel their load IS heavier...

On top of this.. if a couple is not showing appreciation in the little things along their journey together ....one will start to feel "taken for granted".. this eats at people.. It would ME TOO !....

Little gestures go a long way...

Anon1111 said: My take is that if you're going to help out, it has to be because you actually want to help out. If you've got another agenda for helping out, its actually worse than doing nothing.

It's another one of those "it's the thought that counts" things mostly.
Motivation and attitude can not be underestimated.....Speaking on "the thought"/ the little things.... we had a Party at our house last night.. we always park our vehicles up a hillside on the other side of our property -out of the way.. so when guests come... they can park closer to our house.. (easy on them, less vehicle congestion)..... my H worked a 16 hr back to back shift the night before...got home , only had a few hrs sleep before this party began.. had to get up again this morning 6am to be there at 7....(I always get up with him to get his breakfast, pack his lunch - I want to be a help to him)..even if I stayed up too late, that's on me.

Now he's the one who needs to get to work.... I have ALL day (he knew I planned to go to the movies later)... he walked out telling me he was bringing the car down for me... I just stood there & thought.. "Gawd I love that man!".... he goes the extra mile ... HE DIDN'T NEED TO DO THAT.. I was the one with all the extra TIME.. I didn't work a double yesterday, I am not working today.. but still he wanted to do this for me...

I have the same mindset in regards to him. I WANT his life to be as carefree as I can make it. ...WHY.. so we'll have more time to spend together !! (after all we are both TIME & TOUCHERS).... I thanked him for doing that.. telling him how wonderful he is...

These little things go a long long way ..in relation to our attitude.....a little validation/ words of affirmation.. it's encouraging!@#$ .....makes us feel like we're on the same team..

I have never looked upon sex in any way related to my H doing ANY of my housework.. If anything.. I've thanked him for how I've never had to be a NAG ...he's always been one to "get on it" when something NEEDED Done..

Even when I worked almost as many hrs as he did...I would be more apt to CHASE him away from doing housework chores of any kind... (unless I was sick for days or in the hospital having a baby...I've always told him... don't let the kids destroy the house, I want to see it in the same order I left it when we bring our bundle of joy home).....he always made sure this was the case & I was happy..

I don't want to see my husband waste his time helping me.. when he could be concentrating on heavier tasks that require Strength & know how that I just don't posses -where if I was single , I'd have to hire a Handy man/ Mechanic to do .....that's what I WANT FROM HIM.. ..beings we try to hold on to stuff till it's dead.. like older cars, etc.. our Gravely mover is from the 70's ... the tractor deck shattered the other day, metal too thin to weld at this point, had to buy another ...he has to put that on....I can't do those things!....

So yeah.. the mundane cleaning/ cooking, scheduling kids, all of it..that's my domain...I want to do all I can possibly DO to hold my end ... this helps our lives run smoother....then he has more time & energy to have sex with me..or I'd be complaining !@#
... ..it's unfortunate when the scales ARE tipped too much on one side & the other just CAN'T see it.. this could be either a Lax husband or a Lax wife.. I've seen both...and sometimes a family may need to downsize how much they have on their plates too...if possible.

 
#24 ·
I understand "reward" sex in the sense that those who want it are thinking "I work hard for the benefit of my partner and if she is grateful, one way she might show that is to want to get physically close to me." I don't see anything wrong with that. But that's different than "I work hard so she owes me sex." So far I haven't seen that attitude from those men talking about reward sex.
 
#27 ·
Women today in modern western countries are equals to men.

Women do not have to get married.

Women aren't forced to have kids.

Women can do whatever they want to and its about time.


If a woman wants to have a career, married and still have kids and do chores.....that's an amazing woman!!!:smthumbup:

But again, that same woman doesn't have to do any of that. She could just have a career and be single. She could get married, have kids and be a stay at home mom. She could get married and only work. She could raises kids, do chores and work a part time job when hubby gets home.

A woman has choice and saying they have to do all the chores and raises the kids while hubby works providing food and a roof over their heads is the least she can do then.

When I worked 45 hours weeks, I did the majority of the inside chores every day and all the outside chores. I grocery shop, bills paid early, take care of our kitty and take time off work to assist contractors with our upgrades and repairs and learn something new.

I never let the chores pile up and then complain at the end of the week.

I do maybe 20 minutes of chores every day and more on weekends.

Do I complain, I have to work, do almost all the chores, no.

Some people are lazy and get their other half to do most the chores because they can't be bothered and then give them sex as payment.

I know many marriages and relationships today were the guys work and do most of the chores and things around the house, while their ladies do not.
 
#37 ·
MEM11363 said: Yes

I did everything possible to emphasize that it was OUR money - that I couldn't do what I did without her support.
We were "joint' everything too.....didn't matter if I worked 40 hrs, 10 or none.. it was just a Given.. being very careful with the spending.. he never had to worry about me.

So much of this boils down to our attitudes, or as you said "The SPIRIT" in which we treat each other...it can make or break each day...

When the husband shows sensitivity to his wife's needs if/ when she is having a stressful day & may need a little extra help..he will WANT TO GIVE IT -because he loves her and wants their lives to run smoothly....to play with the kids , to give her a Calgone moment.... this will go a long way with the wife.. or , should I say....it should..

I don't for a moment feel that all people are lovely, unselfish & helpful by nature.. taking the other for granted....it slips in far too often.. on both sides of the aisle.. in many areas.. this is just ONE.

I've always recognized my Husband's ROLE .... I could go on about that.. but really.. here I sit playing on the net.. I have the time.. . I've never minded the little things after he comes home from work.. I still feel it's my place.. .. if I was a single Mother, for example.... it would be doubly/even TRIPLY more WORK...

"What would I do without you?!"... I say this to him every now & then... I feel that way...I recognize all he brings.. the money to support us all...and he fixes so many BIG things I never could !....I'd have to hire out & Pay out the a$$!

I asked my husband the other day what matters MOST TO MEN, what does he think or most to HIM AS A MAN...Like "what do men deeply care about"...what brings them LOW.. or hurts their EGO so to speak...

He had 2 responses.. #1 that he satisfies his woman sexually.. no man wants to hear he sucks in bed..

and #2 his Providing for his family... that means the world to him (even if other women don't need it) .. I know mine still feels this is his role , his purpose.. . it goes a long way that I appreciate it.. and show this.. one way is by doing all I can do at home , supporting him.. in His Needs, Her Needs.. this would be called "Domestic Support" ....

MEM11363 said: I do read stories that seem very imbalanced. No kids or kids are grown and the working spouse is still 'expected' to do housework. That seems unfair to me.
When I read things like this..I CRINGE for the working spouse...I feel the heavy burden on them... it's just not right...
 
#38 ·
I bring home all of the bacon and do a goodly amount of the housework. I've even, on occasion, gotten "reward sex" for my efforts. :)

It was fun, of course, but I wouldn't want to turn it into a duty, another chore around the house. The worst feeling in the world would be that he was only having sex with me because he's the house boy and that's his job. For me and for him.
 
#39 ·
I just think both parties need to be busy the same amount of time, regardless of financial contribution.

A SAHM can't sit for two hours watching TV while the toddlers nap and complain that her husband watches 2 hours of TV while she bathes the kids and gets them ready for bed. Just because they are there to react in case the house burns down, those two hours of relaxation don't count as work.

Just like some men think that they earn the money and have some image of their wives having a relaxing, fun day hanging out with the kids who are always well behaved and Mom can clean and do laundry while they play nicely and think she has it easy. That doesn't happen, either.

It takes two steadily contributing for the same amount of time so they can maximize their down time to have fun as a family and as a couple.
 
#43 ·
I'm not arguing with anyone about whether the husband should do work around the house. I'm not sure why people seem determined to argue with me about it. I guess I didn't use the correct language to describe the work. Never realized the phrase "helping" was so offensive. If you're determined to be offended, I guess almost anything will offend you.
 
#44 ·
I'm not arguing with anyone about whether the husband should do work around the house. I'm not sure why people seem determined to argue with me about it. I guess I didn't use the correct language to describe the work. Never realized the phrase "helping" was so offensive. If you're determined to be offended, I guess almost anything will offend you.
I wasn't offended.. I took your posts in the spirit that was intended...

technovelist said: How about a situation with a SAHW who has pretty much all day to do whatever she wants, no children involved, whereas the husband works full-time to earn money to support them?

I would think in that case the SAHW should do most of the housework...
If I was that wife, I feel it should be 100% plus...

In our younger years, I worked part time .. my husband would say I was the "slave driver", he's called me a workaholic ..... I had these honey to do lists a mile long.... neither of us liked where we lived...we wanted to fix this house up & sell it...we had to do the work ourselves , or it defeated the purpose.. (just like getting baby sitters)....

So (it appeared) every waking moment my husband was NOT at work.. we were working on that house...new roof, painting, digging ditches, remodeling bathroom, putting in new windows, carpet, built a chimney, laid cement, etc etc)... If I had him doing cooking & cleaning /laundry etc to help me... we wouldn't have gotten anything accomplished at all !! It was VERY IMPORTANT to me that he had TIME & ENERGY to do these Projects -that's where my head was at... I needed his lead & expertise ..

Truth is.. I might get MAD if we weren't making enough progress.. (I am the more impatient between the 2 of us).... To my credit...I was right there with the tool belt on beside him... we both worked our butts back then...

We sold that house within 3 weeks...it all worked out. we relax much more today.... it was a season..we pulled together... I look back & think we were an awesome team really.... After this we had 5 more kids...we learned to relax a little more.

What is a couple's goal ?? Do they want more TIME together/ more leisure..with the kids, personal hobbies?... is one spouse stressed with deadlines, where mentally /physically they need more of a break/ more sleep or their head might explode....this may shift to the other ...where one takes ON a little more.. .

If I didn't help my husband -but complained while I was expecting more FROM HIM... well he'd want to shoot me!...and he well knew If I had to NAG to get things rolling.... it just wouldn't have served our marriage well... .we were on the same page.

If 2 are willing to go above & beyond to help each other.. what a difference it will make.. and really. it makes you feel good at the ed of the day.. seeing what you accomplished together..

Though looking back.. that handy man house stole some thunder on our pleasures/ yeah the sex life... we needed a little better balance back then...a little more romping wouldn't have hurt!

 
#45 ·
Dug is always helpful. There is no talk of "my" jobs or "his" jobs. He supports us financially, plus helps in any way he can at home. And is genuinely happy to do so.
 
#46 ·
Dug is always helpful. There is no talk of "my" jobs or "his" jobs. He supports us financially, plus helps in any way he can at home. And is genuinely happy to do so.
And you are happy to do all you can to help his life run smoother also..... I know you feel this way... holding down the FORT when he is away sometimes for extended periods of time (THAT is A LOT of responsibility there with all the kids..when they get sick, if you need repairs done) , even different countries...always the supportive wife of his ambition /career .....even when you miss him so much !...

And you've remained Faithful to your word to "home school" as he asked early on before you even had your 1st child...

But in our heads Jld.. don't we all feel we are responsible for "______________" ...(we can fill in the blanks ourselves)... even if we don't speak of each others "jobs" (we've never spoken to each other like this either)...

Maybe that would make an enlightening thread...getting to the nitty gritty on this... these divides of the sexes ... using examples, a verbal exchange ...where it does upset the wife/ the husband... where one feels taken advantage of, used as a "maid"...under appreciated...it's what we so often read here...



These arguments (about who's Job is whose) enter in when a husband &/or a wife have different ideas on WHO should be doing WHAT...WHEN....and sometimes throw in "HOW"...and how often...should it be equal turns? ....one cooks X many times a week or he needs to take out the garbage always or it's a split chore ??

Many don't need these things laid out like that.. they just go with the flow.. and for the most part.. it's all good...maybe an occasion tiff rears it's head.. but it's just a speed bump...

But it seems others DO.... they EXPECT "_______________" and when it doesn't happen (add time & time again)...it causes rising turmoil in some marriages.. feeling used, taken advantage of..

It's for each couple to find their own PEACE and harmony here...seeking what each wants... and is willing to do, commit to it .... I think it's GOOD TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS of each other ..seek the feedback..

What works for one's marriage will not work for another's.. at the end of the day.. all that matters is how our spouses feel...
 
#47 ·
Yes, you are right, SA. I sometimes feel like I would enjoy getting a job, but I made a commitment to homeschool the boys. I don't think it would be fair that the older kids were homeschooled, but the younger ones would not have that same opportunity.

I think it would be good to start that thread. I know I think Dug does not demand as much of me as he could. He is very kind to me.

I think we know we just have to make everything work. Whatever compromise is needed, whatever we each need to contribute, that is what we are going to do.
 
#48 ·
The reason for this is that men want sex more than women. This is a fact. There are exceptions, but many more men want and crave it more than women. Men lose their sense of logic when sex/love/flirting is on the table. Women are much more in control of themselves and even have the ability to use this to their advantage if needed. Hence we have so many top level smart people like Bill Clinton, Gen Petraeus etc doing stupid things like having affairs when they know they can get caught. How many women are caught like this? Hardly or none.

Men are stronger physically, but women are MUCH stronger emotionally/psychologically/sexually.

Even at home, it is usually the husband who has to initiate sex more than the wife. If the wife isn't in the mood, she can easily say "not today, I am sleepy" and turn the other side. My wife has done it many times. How many times have I done it? ZERO! If my wife offers sex at 4am, I am ready to go. Several times I remember being very tired and sleepy from all day work + grad school classes and back at 11pm. We wanted to have another baby so my wife was very gracious in offering herself and giving me come hither looks. I remember feeling not up to it, but did I say no? NO!!!!

I know, I am weak. :(
 
#49 ·
The reason for this is that men want sex more than women. This is a fact. There are exceptions, but many more men want and crave it more than women. Men lose their sense of logic when sex/love/flirting is on the table. Women are much more in control of themselves and even have the ability to use this to their advantage if needed. Hence we have so many top level smart people like Bill Clinton, Gen Petraeus etc doing stupid things like having affairs when they know they can get caught. How many women are caught like this? Hardly or none.

Men are stronger physically, but women are MUCH stronger emotionally/psychologically/sexually.

Even at home, it is usually the husband who has to initiate sex more than the wife. If the wife isn't in the mood, she can easily say "not today, I am sleepy" and turn the other side. My wife has done it many times. How many times have I done it? ZERO! If my wife offers sex at 4am, I am ready to go. Several times I remember being very tired and sleepy from all day work + grad school classes and back at 11pm. We wanted to have another baby so my wife was very gracious in offering herself and giving me come hither looks. I remember feeling not up to it, but did I say no? NO!!!!

I know, I am weak. :(
Huge incorrect generalisations there. This is your experience but it does not make it FACT.

Just as my experience of having a LD husband does not make it fact that most men are LD

ETA, my partner is stronger emotionally than I am so again a big generalisation that just isn't true.
 
#62 ·
Beings this is a housework / sexual attraction thread.. I might add... when I was the one in lusty need ..... BOY DID I EVER CATER TO HIM !!.. I got up every morning...didn't matter if I was stupid enough to stay up half the night , only getting 2 hrs of sleep (did this many times)...

I was careful to feed him better.. cook his breakfast.. ANYTHING & EVERYTHING to make his life as easy as possible.., probably knock a kid out if they interrupted his sleep (just kidding).... WHY >> so he'd be ready, willing & able to DO ME !@# ...as soon as he got through that door, I wanted to ravish him...Poor man.

Even the guys he worked with noticed a difference in what I was packing in his lunch, they started making comments, then he spilled the beans.. "don't know what hit my wife.....".... which got me a reputation there. :laugh:

Whichever spouse is wanting it the most needs to go the extra mile.. to turn the other on, study them, seek if any resentment is there, work it out (biggest sex killer there is)....provide an environment where they have the energy, have the time...and for goodness sakes... make it FUN ...BE SEXY !@# Get creative.. throw some novelty in...

I know it's not always this simple of course... but that's how it played out for us.. he even made a comment to me one time.. I was laughing....that he felt HE was taking advantage of ME.. that I was too good to him... I told him No, love to take such credit.. but really.. I am just selfish and want Him to screw me!

Somehow I don't think a man would get away with saying this to his wife though!
 
#63 ·
Yeah yeah

She did the whole routine - couldn't have been nicer - made my life easy....

She really was doing a roll reversal. When I was on the other side of this I was nice and supportive etc.

And I want to be clear here - if M2 sort of had us in a routine that was double my ideal frequency - my ideal is every other day - I would just 'do it' like the Nike folks say.

But she had me at 6X my ideal. She made her point - I totally 'get' it.

And we still meet in the middle on frequency - which is nice. The difference is I'm WAY more appreciative of her side of the compromise than I was prior to her doing that - HD sex therapy routine she did.
 
#69 ·
I agree SA has described very nicely how a spouse could cater to the other in an effort to remove barriers to the goal.
Usually this works pretty well for me when the goal is to go on a date or vacation. The more I do the less resistance I get.
On the other hand if there is resentment in the equation, then she would be turned off by such efforts. The you're just trying to get in my pants thing.

MEM and SA brought up an interesting point about relative frequency. My optimum is 5x/week her optimum by report is .5x/week (every other week). The ratio being 10:1 and the middle ground being 2.5x/week. While that cuts my frequency by half, it is 5x hers. Should we opt for a more equal adjustment? which would be about a change of 3.16x I would get 1/3 of my optimum and she would get 3x her optimum and we would have sex about 3 times every 2 weeks. The point of all of this math is that at a certain point there is not an adjustment that will make both people happy, and the middle becomes so far from the optimums that both would be unhappy.
 
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