Is this a big deal? I need some perspective.
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Old 07-05-2011, 09:56 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is this a big deal? I need some perspective.

Hi, I'm new here but I need some perspective. I didn't think this was a big deal but my new husband does and I need to know if I'm really missing something. Basically we were moving this weekend and finally finished yesterday. We were both tired and decided to stay in last night, just watching movies and having some wine. He had more to drink and fell asleep on the couch- I couldn't get him to come upstairs. I didn't want to leave him there and I wasn't sure if he would feel sick in the middle of the night, so I stayed there until he woke up at three and we went to bed. That's all fine, I had no issue with that. I even woke up to take care of the dog at 6 (he's a puppy so he can't hold it through the night) and find his phone when his alarm started going off (he forgot to turn it off).

At 7:45 he woke me up and said he was hungry and he wanted me to go make breakfast. I said I was really tired and I wanted to sleep a little more- until 8:30, then I would go make breakfast. He said I wouldn't get up then, I said my alarm was set and I was up really late so I would just like to sleep a little longer. He said that he was really hungry. We just moved in but I knew he bought yogurt and granola yesterday, so I told him to have some yogurt and I would be up in an hour to make breakfast. I woke up at 8:45 and said, hey I'll make breakfast now, you still want the two eggs and the turkey bacon?

He now tells me never mind, he's never going to ask me to do anything again because I don't care about him. He tells me I don't perform any wifely duties and I obviously wasn't ready to get married. He's really mad. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't that I didn't care, it's that I was tired from taking care of him the night before, waking up for the dog and all that, and I knew he had enough food for a snack. I knew he would be fine for the hour, so I thought it was okay. He's seriously really mad though. I'm really trying to wrap my head around this because I'm not trying to cause problems. If I was wrong I want to understand and fix it, but I didn't think this was a big deal either way- certainly not something to cause him to tell me he can't count on me. I really need some help and perspective.
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Old 07-05-2011, 10:24 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a big deal? I need some perspective.

Your H needs to take some initiative and make himself breakfast. In fact, he should have made breakfast for both of you and served yours in bed! I mean, come on now- are you a short order cook? I think not.

Does he always give you orders to do things for him? It kinda sounds like he's controlling and has a some old fashioned ideas about what a wife should be and do. You even explained why you were tired and needed some extra sleep. My wife does the same thing sometimes. She works full time (as do I) and we have all our kids activities and housework and all to take care of. Some saturdays she just likes to sleep in. That's fine with me. I know she's exhausted from the busy week. So I get up, make the kids breakfast, do some chores. Once in a while I'll even make her breakfast and deliver it in bed so she can watch the news and eat.
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Old 07-05-2011, 10:27 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a big deal? I need some perspective.

Sounds like he was hung over and his inner idiot came out.
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Old 07-05-2011, 11:13 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a big deal? I need some perspective.

Just a suggestion, but I think you could benefit from reading Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. I don't know if your husband has a little too much wine a little too often, but there are dynamics you are explaining that sound eerily similar to an alcoholic and an enabler.

Your husband is an adult. He can sleep on the couch, wake up by himself, make his own breakfast, and turn off an alarm. You probably don't realize it, but you sound more like his mother than his wife, and he sounds like an entitled child who thinks he deserves to be waited on.

Regardless of him ... please consider reading Beattie's book.
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Old 07-05-2011, 11:21 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a big deal? I need some perspective.

He's being a jerk...and you are allowing him to treat you like crap. It's up to you to change the dynamics. It's one thing for him to be crabby because you aren't getting up to cook for him when he wants it... It's pure ****headedness (yes, that's a word) for him to blow it out of proportion.

If he passes out on the couch....his problem.

If he gets drunk and barfs.... his problem.

If he is hungry and mommy isn't up yet.... his problem.

Say what you need to say to him, and quit worrying about "making him mad". Apparently he is going to get pissy no matter what you say. He could've just been tired and hung over, but he does owe YOU an apology.
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Old 07-05-2011, 11:27 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a big deal? I need some perspective.

Wifely duties does not include waiting on him hand and foot. He sounds like a complete jerk.

To put this in perspective would you treat a friend like that? Obviously the answer is no so it's not okay to treat a wife like that.
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Old 07-05-2011, 11:36 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a big deal? I need some perspective.

I agree with all of the other posters. Your husband is being a complete a$$ and you enable it.

You need to set some boundaries and enforce them with your husband. The first would be to not molly-coddle and hand-hold him. He is a big boy. Even a 7 year old can go out and get cereal and milk by himself.

Let's see - if my husband had acted like this to me there would have been one thing I would have done - I would have gladly gotten up, made his breakfast, and promptly dumped it in his lap informing him that I am not his maid and servant and if he wishes to treat me like that it means that HE does not love ME. I am his wife, and when he wishes to treat me like one, then I will gladly act like one.
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Old 07-05-2011, 12:00 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a big deal? I need some perspective.

Your husband needs a swift kick in the derriere the inconsiderate, selfish bastard. He can learn to make his own damned breakfast. He does not want a wife. He wants a slave. Are you interested in being slave?
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Old 07-05-2011, 12:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a big deal? I need some perspective.

Wow!! If I tried that, maybe shaking her shoulder to wake her, my hand would come back bleeding. Seriously, you don't mess with my wife in the morning, and to ask her to wake up to do 'wifely duties' would be tantamount to suicide. She only understands one word, and it must be phrased in the form of an offer: Coffee?

I'm just kidding, but it does sound like a little bite might solve this problem once and for all.
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Old 07-05-2011, 01:01 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a big deal? I need some perspective.

Sounds like your H had a serious lack of good role models growing up. Your relationship sounds dysfunctional and I agree with all the other posts. I wonder if you lack self-esteem or what emotional hole this is filling for you. In addition to books on boundaries previously mentioned, I would also recommend John Gray books on the Mars & Venus theme, as well as Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages. But I fear your and his issues go deeper than that, and I am worried that you have just seen the beginning of the controlling nature of this guy, and you could be headed for abuse. You need to get this under control now, and it may take some couples therapy to get you to a healthy marriage.
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Old 07-05-2011, 02:31 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a big deal? I need some perspective.

Sounds like he's being a total jerk! Im sorry but I wouldnt be apologizing or feeling bad for him right now.
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Old 07-06-2011, 08:22 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a big deal? I need some perspective.

Thanks for all the responses- I know we have a lot of problems. And I know what happened is not okay- but when someone says it over and over and over... you start to doubt yourself. I'm planning on going to therapy (that was the plan before the move too) and he's said he wants to come with me. But sometimes things just get really bad and I'm not sure how to deal with it. We are both very stubborn and I don't want to close my eyes to the possibility that I may have done something wrong- but I don't want to just let him walk all over me either.
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