How to be happy in a loveless marriage?
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Old 07-06-2011, 05:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How to be happy in a loveless marriage?

How to make it work in a loveless marriage?
Me and my husband have a 4 month old and for the last 6 months we have not gotten along. He used to my such a sweet sweet man but I feel as though we have fallen out of love. I have tried to explain these feelings but all I get in return is a big fight over it. I don't want to get divorced. I have already gone down that road and I don't think it's fair to our baby to have a split family. We brought this baby into this world and because we can't get along now I just don't think it's fair to quit. She deserves both of us. So my question is.... how do I live a happy life with a husband I don't love and doesn't love me back? Is it possible? Does anyone have experience with this? I wish I could say we could be in love and happy with eachother but after 6+months of trying and fighting I would like a way to be happy with myself without getting divorced. Does that even make sense? Any advice would be really appreciate it
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Old 07-06-2011, 05:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to be happy in a loveless marriage?

Look into the effects of having a baby on your attitudes and your husbands.

It is a period of adjustment for sure!

Couldn't hurt to mention your changes in attitude to your OB/GYN. There could a postpartum depression thing going on.
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Old 07-06-2011, 05:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to be happy in a loveless marriage?

Baby is 4 months old and y'all have had problems for the past 6 months (basically starting about your 7th month of pregnancy? What changed in your relationship before the arrival of the baby? If he was sweet and then changed, something changed him. What's he complaining about?
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Old 07-06-2011, 11:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to be happy in a loveless marriage?

I feel as though he has no respect for me. I don't know if he still has feelings for his ex wife but I have expressed numerous times that I don't like him sharing private information with his ex. She has asked him personal questions regarding our marriage and relationship through text and instead of ignoring them he answers her. If it were my ex I would tell him that those things are personal and I would rather not discuss with you. He has told me before that he was sorry and that he just didn't want to be rude by not answering. I think a BIG part of us not getting along is that I feel totally disrespected. He has split custody of his kids and a couple weeks were not getting along and the next day he had to work. I asked if he could ask his ex to keep the children one more night (I was upset and didn't think it was fair to have them come home while I was upset and their dad was at work. Also their mom was off work the following day and if were my daughter with an ex I know that she would rather be with her dad) My husband sent his ex wife a message that said basically said...." my wife thinks the children would rather be with their mom instead of their step mom while I work tomorrow?" Of course I felt like he made me look like a total ***** to his ex. I felt like he said it that way because we had been in an argument that day. He told me that I didn't want to have any kids at home and he made it happen, what was the problem? I asked him again to please not disrespect me like that to his ex. Like I said our marriage is in trouble. We have been fighting all week and his children come home next week. He told me he had sent his ex a text message asking if she could keep the kids next week. He told ME that he did that because he really wants to try and work things out and he thinks we need time to work on "us". Personally I feel really bad that he feels the need to eleminate his children for awhile because we aren't getting along. But when I asked him what he said to his ex he said "I asked her if she could keep the kids next week" and asked me If he needed to say anything else to her. Of course I was relieved, the last thing that I need is his ex into our business. He took a shower and knowing that I prob shouldnt I looked at his text messages. He wrote "could you please keep the kids next week I have some things I need to take care of and I don't want them to have to be involved" she replied "sure is their anything I can do to help?" He replied " no, but thanks" She replied "If you need anything at all just know I am here for you?" he replied "thanks" Many might not read my novel and may some think I am being petty but I feel completely and utterly crushed. As I write this I am bauling my eyes out. Why would he confide in her? I am devasted that what he wrote caused his ex to reach out to him in such a personal way. Why would he write that? I understand that he was trying to have a few weeks for us to sort things out but the whole stem of our problems is that I feel like he gives me no respect. This is just ONE example. Why would he not just ask for her to keep the children an extra week. If he felt the need to explain then why didn't he lie and say he had to work late next week? I feel as though he was either mad at me and thats why he asked in the way he asked but a big part of me feels like he was trying to seek comfort from his ex. Something I would NEVER ever do. Please help! Am I crazy? Am I wrong in the way I am feeling?
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Old 07-06-2011, 11:50 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by lonelytoo View Post
I feel as though he has no respect for me. I don't know if he still has feelings for his ex wife but I have expressed numerous times that I don't like him sharing private information with his ex. She has asked him personal questions regarding our marriage and relationship through text and instead of ignoring them he answers her. If it were my ex I would tell him that those things are personal and I would rather not discuss with you. He has told me before that he was sorry and that he just didn't want to be rude by not answering. I think a BIG part of us not getting along is that I feel totally disrespected. He has split custody of his kids and a couple weeks were not getting along and the next day he had to work. I asked if he could ask his ex to keep the children one more night (I was upset and didn't think it was fair to have them come home while I was upset and their dad was at work. Also their mom was off work the following day and if were my daughter with an ex I know that she would rather be with her dad) My husband sent his ex wife a message that said basically said...." my wife thinks the children would rather be with their mom instead of their step mom while I work tomorrow?" Of course I felt like he made me look like a total ***** to his ex. I felt like he said it that way because we had been in an argument that day. He told me that I didn't want to have any kids at home and he made it happen, what was the problem? I asked him again to please not disrespect me like that to his ex. Like I said our marriage is in trouble. We have been fighting all week and his children come home next week. He told me he had sent his ex a text message asking if she could keep the kids next week. He told ME that he did that because he really wants to try and work things out and he thinks we need time to work on "us". Personally I feel really bad that he feels the need to eleminate his children for awhile because we aren't getting along. But when I asked him what he said to his ex he said "I asked her if she could keep the kids next week" and asked me If he needed to say anything else to her. Of course I was relieved, the last thing that I need is his ex into our business. He took a shower and knowing that I prob shouldnt I looked at his text messages. He wrote "could you please keep the kids next week I have some things I need to take care of and I don't want them to have to be involved" she replied "sure is their anything I can do to help?" He replied " no, but thanks" She replied "If you need anything at all just know I am here for you?" he replied "thanks" Many might not read my novel and may some think I am being petty but I feel completely and utterly crushed. As I write this I am bauling my eyes out. Why would he confide in her? I am devasted that what he wrote caused his ex to reach out to him in such a personal way. Why would he write that? I understand that he was trying to have a few weeks for us to sort things out but the whole stem of our problems is that I feel like he gives me no respect. This is just ONE example. Why would he not just ask for her to keep the children an extra week. If he felt the need to explain then why didn't he lie and say he had to work late next week? I feel as though he was either mad at me and thats why he asked in the way he asked but a big part of me feels like he was trying to seek comfort from his ex. Something I would NEVER ever do. Please help! Am I crazy? Am I wrong in the way I am feeling?
Am I reading wrong? Where did her confide in her? I don't think he should lie - his kids will want to know why they can't go with their dad.
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Old 07-08-2011, 10:38 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to be happy in a loveless marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lonelytoo View Post
I feel as though he has no respect for me. I don't know if he still has feelings for his ex wife but I have expressed numerous times that I don't like him sharing private information with his ex. She has asked him personal questions regarding our marriage and relationship through text and instead of ignoring them he answers her. If it were my ex I would tell him that those things are personal and I would rather not discuss with you. He has told me before that he was sorry and that he just didn't want to be rude by not answering. I think a BIG part of us not getting along is that I feel totally disrespected. He has split custody of his kids and a couple weeks were not getting along and the next day he had to work. I asked if he could ask his ex to keep the children one more night (I was upset and didn't think it was fair to have them come home while I was upset and their dad was at work. Also their mom was off work the following day and if were my daughter with an ex I know that she would rather be with her dad) My husband sent his ex wife a message that said basically said...." my wife thinks the children would rather be with their mom instead of their step mom while I work tomorrow?" Of course I felt like he made me look like a total ***** to his ex. I felt like he said it that way because we had been in an argument that day. He told me that I didn't want to have any kids at home and he made it happen, what was the problem? I asked him again to please not disrespect me like that to his ex. Like I said our marriage is in trouble. We have been fighting all week and his children come home next week. He told me he had sent his ex a text message asking if she could keep the kids next week. He told ME that he did that because he really wants to try and work things out and he thinks we need time to work on "us". Personally I feel really bad that he feels the need to eleminate his children for awhile because we aren't getting along. But when I asked him what he said to his ex he said "I asked her if she could keep the kids next week" and asked me If he needed to say anything else to her. Of course I was relieved, the last thing that I need is his ex into our business. He took a shower and knowing that I prob shouldnt I looked at his text messages. He wrote "could you please keep the kids next week I have some things I need to take care of and I don't want them to have to be involved" she replied "sure is their anything I can do to help?" He replied " no, but thanks" She replied "If you need anything at all just know I am here for you?" he replied "thanks" Many might not read my novel and may some think I am being petty but I feel completely and utterly crushed. As I write this I am bauling my eyes out. Why would he confide in her? I am devasted that what he wrote caused his ex to reach out to him in such a personal way. Why would he write that? I understand that he was trying to have a few weeks for us to sort things out but the whole stem of our problems is that I feel like he gives me no respect. This is just ONE example. Why would he not just ask for her to keep the children an extra week. If he felt the need to explain then why didn't he lie and say he had to work late next week? I feel as though he was either mad at me and thats why he asked in the way he asked but a big part of me feels like he was trying to seek comfort from his ex. Something I would NEVER ever do. Please help! Am I crazy? Am I wrong in the way I am feeling?
Your expectations of him seem not at all realistic to me.

Listen to what you wrote in the same post.

Quote:
I don't like him sharing private information with his ex.
Quote:
I asked if he could ask his ex to keep the children one more night (I was upset and didn't think it was fair to have them come home while I was upset and their dad was at work. Also their mom was off work the following day and if were my daughter with an ex I know that she would rather be with her dad) My husband sent his ex wife a message that said basically said...." my wife thinks the children would rather be with their mom instead of their step mom while I work tomorrow?" Of course I felt like he made me look like a total ***** to his ex.
Quote:
I think a BIG part of us not getting along is that I feel totally disrespected.
Quote:
If he felt the need to explain then why didn't he lie and say he had to work late next week?


First of all, because he has joint custody, he needs to maintain some ties with his ex-wife. That doesn't mean that he blabs to her about all the dirty laundry between the two of you. That does mean that he needs to talk to her, in a little bit of detail from time to time.

Second, your requests are contradictory. On one hand you demand that he lie about work, but in another circumstance, you're upset that he did.

Why are you worried about the way he's making you look to his x-wife in the first place? Saying that "I have some things to take care of, and I don't want them involved." is pretty damned vague.

This does not indicate to her that the two of you are having problems, and there doesn't appear to be any disrespect intended.

Giving too much information would be, "Your replacement and I aren't getting along, and we don't want the kids exposed to our fighting."

Disrespect would be, "Your replacement is a crazy controlling ***** and we don't want the kids exposed to our fighting."

Further, what you've described doesn't indicate that he's confiding in her. Rather, it seems like he's passing on the information that needs to be passed on.

Breath a little. There's nothing egregiously inappropriate going on based on what you've described. It sounds like he's trying to juggle respecting your boundaries, and his duties as a partially custodial parent. That's not an easy thing to do! Give him the authority and responsibility to manage the relationship between himself and his ex-wife. As long as he's respectful of your boundaries, which seem in this case to be unnecessarily restrictive, if not outright contradictory, then there appears to be no rational reason for you to worry.
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Old 07-09-2011, 07:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to be happy in a loveless marriage?

Have you ever had a roommate you didn't love? Did it work out?

I lived with a woman for a year just as a roommate. Her future husband swears we must have hooked up. It never happened.

So yeah, as long as everyone is on the same page, why not? Provided you have some close, nurturing friendships that serve as a surrogate to the absent love in your household.

If nothing else, it's certainly plausible.
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Old 07-09-2011, 10:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to be happy in a loveless marriage?

A cousin of mine ended up getting married to the girl he knocked up. Said it didnt start with any love, but they eventually did find happiness in their new family.
Then it all slowly faded, just like it started. They stayed together for the kids. Biggest mistake ever. All the negative emotional bull**** going on did more damage to the kids than being raised in a single parent home could.
Food for thought.
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Old 07-10-2011, 12:17 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to be happy in a loveless marriage?

Living that way gets old real fast. May want to start planning on movin on. The child can still have both parents in his life.


Just saying. Can there be jealousy on your part towards the ex. He is exhausted by dealing with it all.
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Old 07-10-2011, 12:24 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to be happy in a loveless marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Six View Post
Have you ever had a roommate you didn't love? Did it work out?

I lived with a woman for a year just as a roommate. Her future husband swears we must have hooked up. It never happened.

So yeah, as long as everyone is on the same page, why not? Provided you have some close, nurturing friendships that serve as a surrogate to the absent love in your household.

If nothing else, it's certainly plausible.
Yeah no, not so much. I can tell you as someone that hasn't even held hands with her husband in probably two years or more... friends are definitely not the same as lovers. I have wonderful, amazing, supportive friends. Male and female. An amazing family who loves me more than I can say. None of that has given me anything like someone to sit and watch movies with late at night. Someone to read the paper over coffee with. Someone who, oh...I don't know...actually wants to hug and kiss and do who knows what else with me.

Friends and lovers are absolutely different things, no matter how marvelous, loving and nurturing those friends are. I'd say any day that my husband is one of my best friends and the best roommate I've ever had. But once it's dark outside, what I miss more than anything is someone who actually wants to be with me.

If you want to be happy in a marriage that is friendly at best...the best option you have is to fill as many moments as you can with anything else that you can. Friends. Clubs. Volunteering. Work. I'm not quite sure how that would work if you had a kid together. And stepkids....even harder. Maybe you could love the kiddos enough to make up for the rest, but I'm guessing it's still pretty lonely since you'd have to get a sitter to go do anything fun. (Note: this is through the filter of someone who just found out that IVF worked for her last girlfriend...I'm happy that she has what she wants, but I'm feeling a little bit bitter on the kid front right now)

All the same, unless you can sincerely, truly make your children your life. Or else pay for the help to take care of them while you build a life at work and/or in the community--you're better off forging a civil relationship with your husband separately before it becomes a bitter divorce in one way or another.

In my opinion, anyway.
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Old 07-10-2011, 09:42 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to be happy in a loveless marriage?

It can be tolerable if you don't fight a lot a don't snipe and antagonize one another
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