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Husband pushed me

8K views 48 replies 23 participants last post by  doobie 
#1 ·
Hi Ladies, I haven't been on TAM for quite a while but I used to post in the sex section as I was worried about our no sex marriage. I've now accepted that our marriage will not involve sex. However, during a recent row my H pushed me which is causing me serious concern.
We'd been out to a local bar with a friend of mine who has just moved intonew apartment in our village. My H was tired and wanted to go home (we live a two minute walk away from the bar).. My friend an I were chatting with a bunch of friends, so I said we'd be home when we'd finished our drinks. As it was, we took a couple of hours (just got caught up in chatting with the girls) and then proceeded to walk home (friend was staying at our house that night). As we approached the house, my H came storming down the street in an absolute rage, calling us both *****es and c**ts and saying we should have finished our drinks ages ago. He walked right into my friend, headbutting her (not hard, but enough to leave sore patch the next day). I thought it was an accident. When we went into the house, he continued to rant, calling us awful names and then walked over to me (I was trying to get him to lower his voice and calm down) and pushed me. It wasn't hard and I wasn't hurt, but I'm really concerned about this - it's physical abuse.

I immediately told him I want a divorce (the first time I've ever mentioned divorce) as physical abuse of this sort is a deal breaker for me. We've since talked about it - he said he's never hit a woman before but I'm not sure I believe him. He told me that his ex partner beat herself up, bruising her face and blacking an eye and then called the police to try to get him arrested for beating her up. I now suspect that he did beat her up although he swears that he didn't. I've agreed to wait three months (this was two months ago, so I have a month to go) to give him the chance to turn things around. I really can't see me changing my mind - I'm sleeping in the spare room and can't see myself ever wanting to get in to bed with him again (ironic as I originally joined TAM looking for some solutions to the fact that my H never wanted sex with me and I was absolutely desperate for him to at first).

Basically, I think that once a guy has hit his wife once, it's only a matter of time before he does it again - I really feel that the right (and safest) option for me is to leave before he actually hits me. does anybody here have any experience of domestic abuse and am I right in thinking that it will continue and get worse?
 
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#3 ·
Basically, I think that once a guy has hit his wife once, it's only a matter of time before he does it again - I really feel that the right (and safest) option for me is to leave before he actually hits me. does anybody here have any experience of domestic abuse and am I right in thinking that it will continue and get worse?
Your thinking is correct. Sadly, I was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. It only escalates, the injuries get worse, the boundary line is always pushed back with every push, punch, and kick.

If it were me, frankly, I wouldn't wait the remaining 1 month. I'd leave now. I'm sorry you're in this mess.
 
#7 ·
Doobie, very sorry you find yourself in this situation. Not your fault. Now be aware that since you have let him know that you are done there is a potential that violence could escalate-quickly. You should frankly be making a plan to move out and make yourself safe ASAP. If you contact your local women's shelter they can help you with the planning part. And of course if you need quick, temporary shelter they can help you there. Do take this seriously, don't be afraid or too proud to ask for help, be vigilant and be mum with your plans on moving. Good Luck to you.
 
#8 ·
Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps.

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:


  • Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.

  • Also check into legal aid in your area.


  • Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.

  • Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble.

  • Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


    • your mail from the ‘safe address’

    • All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account

    • Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.

    • Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports,

    • Car title, social security cards, credit cards,

    • Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)

    • Titles, deeds and other property information

    • Medical records

    • Children's school and immunization records

    • Insurance information

    • Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s.

    • Welfare identification

    • Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
  • Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.

  • Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter.

  • Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.

  • If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.

  • Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made.

  • Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.

  • You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse.

  • Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.

  • If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape.

  • Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape.

  • Hide an extra set of car keys.

  • Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”.

  • Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.

  • Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.

  • Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave.

  • Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial.

  • Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving:


  • Change your locks and phone number.

  • Change your work hours and route taken to work.

  • Change the route taken to transport children to school.


  • Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.

  • Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.

  • Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.


  • Call law enforcement to enforce the order.

  • If you leave:

  • Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.

  • Change your work hours, if possible.

  • Alert school authorities of the situation.

  • Consider changing your children's schools.

  • Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them.

  • Use different stores and frequent different social spots.

  • Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.

  • Talk to trusted people about the violence.

  • Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system.

  • Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.

  • Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.

  • Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.
 
#9 ·
Doobie,

Start planning to leave now. I posted info on an exit plan above.

I don't know what is available in the way of support for victims of domestic violence where you live.
check it out and see if you can find a facility that will help you.
 
#10 ·
Thanks for all the insights. Richard, you're right, it's time to move on. InTheory, he's stopped drinking in the house (which has saved us quite a bit of money as he was buying 3 bottles of whisky a week) but still drinks (3 large measures which is about half a bottle) when we go out. He's still pretty obnoxious when drunk (as evidenced on the night he pushed me). Within a few days of that incident there was another incident where he totally lost it stone cold sober. He'd fallen asleep in mid afternoon. My friend was still staying with us as was my father in law. I made a meal for the three of us (he won't eat what I cook, never has as it's vegetarian) - tried to wake H but he didn't wake. I was a bit worried about keeping on trying to wake him as I thought he might wake up angry so I left him. A couple of hours later, he woke, stormed into the kitchen and freaked on both me and my friend for not waking him up to eat - so, damned if I do, damned if I don't. He was very nasty, shouting, swearing, calling names. That was his last real freak out - he's been on his best behaviour since.

However, I've spent a few weeks back in the UK in the meantime, visiting my kids and had a wonderful time. It was such a relief to just be "me" without having to worry about anybody getting mad at me, totally freeing. Since my return, we have been out a few times - I'm constantly on edge if a man speaks to me in case my H gets mad about it and I've actually had to say to people "look, I'm really sorry but I can't talk to you, my husband will be annoyed". This is so not me - I've been such a strong and independent woman all of my life, bringing up my kids alone and always making my own decisions. I don't even feel like me any more.

I know I have to leave at the end of August - I can't do it surreptitiously, I will have to be open about it as I'll need to pack all my stuff, my office, my craft equipment, etc. There are no women's shelters where I live but my friend has let me know where she keeps her spare key and another couple of (women) friends have told me to ring them anytime and they'll come and get me and put me up in their spare rooms. That wouldn't be ideal - I work online so I need my computer and I need to find somewhere to live with decent broadband - this is why I will have to do this openly. I've hidden my husband's air pistol and the flights from his crossbow and don't intend giving them back until I've left.

Husband is carrying on as normal - we sleep in separate rooms. He seems to think that everything is okay and I haven't mentioned that we are on a 3 month trial for him to turn things around. I'm worried that focusing on that might get him angry - I'm just trying to keep everything cool while I keep my promise to give him 3 months grace. I know I have a worrying time ahead of me, but I'm ready for it.
 
#11 ·
Saying you'll give him 3 months means that you're willing to forgive him if he behaves a certain way.

You're making it too easy for him.

What you should have said-and what you should say now- is "I'm done" and then filed for divorce. You could always stop the divorce if he really tries to fix himself, and that means with counseling, not drinking, etc.
 
#13 ·
Elegirl, Thanks for taking the time to post all that useful information - you rock.

I don't think the police here would be of much help unless I were seriously beaten up - I'm relying more on making my own plans and the support of friends. I actually work from home and need to take all my office stuff with me when I go. This is one reason that I need to plan carefully - I will probably need to arrange to get a phone line put into wherever I rent somewhere to live and this can take a few weeks - I won't be able to move without a phone line as my work is all online and depends on a broadband connection.

Luckily, we have no kids involved (mine and his are all grown up) - I wouldn't still be here if I had kids involved. I won't be able to get a restraining order at all here (the police here would laugh at the thought of it) and have no plans for an actual divorce until I can save the legal fees for it. Getting divorced is not as important as getting out and finding somewhere else to live. Funds are very limited as I will still be paying towards bills on this house (rent, electricity, phone, etc) but right now I'm just looking for somewhere as cheap as possible to spend the winter and get myself sorted out better financially. I have no savings (everything went on financing our move overseas and things have been tough since we moved here as he does very little work).
 
#14 ·
So you have a month to get out of there.

For the next few weeks you can start setting up a new place to live.

Can you rent a place, or a room from a friend? Set up internet at some location where you intend to move.

You could start moving out some things... like if you have valuables, jewelry, etc. Get copies of all your financial paper work. Get copies of everything dealing with your business, move the originals out and only keep in the house the copies of things you need to do current work.

Make sure that all of your business data is backed up somewhere on the cloud.

Have enough money saved to replace your computer incase he destroys it.
 
#16 ·
I would not give it another month. You need to start getting your affairs in order asap. As a person that grew up a house with domestic violence, I saw some pretty awful sh*t done to my Mom by my Dad and that was at a very YOUNG age!!! I grew up never wanting to get married and I vowed I would NEVER allow myself to go down that route.

The first thing I told my husband when we met and things were getting serious that I would NOT tolerate getting beat my my boyfriend or husband or any man for that matter. That was a deal breaker for me. Things were find and then we hit a rough part of our marriage but, thank goodness we both got our tempers under control and we've been married for 15 years.

The fact that he head butted your friend is pretty scary and I would not remain in the same house with him. Can you stay at a friends house??
 
#17 ·
Good lord Doobie, there isn't one TAM member here who has EVER suggested you try to work it out with your smelly disgusting, now abusive husband!

For god's sakes, what the hell does it take to get you to leave the rat bum?
 
#18 ·
Here's the thing, Doobie: What sort of real, concrete progress can your husband make in the remaining 1 month? I realize you made a promise that you don't want to break. That's admirable. But what about the promises he made to you? In his vows when you got married?

He has severe anger issues. That takes many months, if not years, to sort out. 1 month means nothing. And in that 1 month, if he finds out you're planning to leave? Extremely dangerous.

Your friends who have said would help you-do they have BFs or Hs? I would highly suggest when it's time to leave, you ask that they are there. Hell, I would have an army of friends show up on moving day. Strength in numbers.

Please keep us posted.
 
#19 ·
Thanks again for replies and support. I know this has been coming for a long time - I've tried absolutely everything to save my marriage but I've been ready to leave for quite a while now. My major problem is a lack of funds. I have no savings and am living from one month to the next. I don't earn a great deal (though I've recently found a regular weekly gardening job for a couple of hours which helps). Just about every penny I get goes on the rent, electric and phone bills and I haven't had the chance to save anything towards making my break. I'm looking for the cheapest place I can rent for the winter and I know I will probably have to spend the coming winter with no heating, but I'm willing to do that for my peace of mind. We live in rented accommodation and have no assets whatsoever. I know I can't afford a legal divorce proceedings, but I'm not too bothered about that - I just want to get out and live on my own. I have quite a lot of stuff to pack up so leaving surreptitiously is not going to work for me - I really can't do without my stuff. I'll make sure my computer is safe at all times as it's my means of making an income. I'm looking for more work online but it's fairly low paid for the most part. I have several long term clients which means a steady small income so that's promising. I'm also looking for more work offline - more gardening or cleaning, whatever I can do to bring in some money. I know that once I live on my own my bills will be dramatically reduced as I'm quite frugal but in the meantime, I still need to pay my share of our living expenses. I'll keep you all posted on how things go - I'm looking forward to a much happier future once I'm living alone again.
 
#26 ·
Doobie, sharing with your kids what's going on in your life - in a mature, not whiny way is not a burden to them. Sometimes we all need helping hand. Look how happy you were over there with them. Are you willing to give this up?

And I do not see any reason for you to wait three months. what is the goal? What do you expect will happen that will make him a wondrful husband all of the sudden?
 
#27 ·
This is the beginning of the third calendar month since I agreed to give it 3 more months to give him a chance to turn things around. He brought this up himself a few days ago (Saturday) and said he's not willing to live like this indefinitely and I agreed with him but declined to talk about it at that time because he'd drunk nearly a whole bottle of whisky. When he drinks I lock my bedroom door at night - this does annoy him (he says it's insulting to him), but I feel safer that way. When we discussed it the next day when he was sober, he dod accuse me of not joining in wholeheartedly with trying to repair the relationship but I really don't see what I could have done other than pretend that everything's hunky dory and pretend to have feelings that I don't have. I just can't be false in that way - I have no feelings for him any more other than I pity him and I'm a bit scared of him.

Anyway, the next day I called at my friend's house to telll her that we'd discussed it (she was urging me to discuss it now rather than wait til the end of the 3 months so that I can start this month looking for somewhere to live). When I arrived home, I was questioned about where I'd been and who I'd seen and who I'd talked to. Then, this morning my friend called because she'd found an apartment for me to look at. I just said I was going out for an hour which put a pretty pissed off look on his face. I went to see the apartment, it's not great, but it's affordable and will suit me fine for now so I'm considering it.

When I got home, my H said that when we go to pay the rent I could ask the property agent about finding somewhere for me to live and I replied that yes, that would be useful and said that I am going to see a local woman in the village tomorrow morning as she knows of so many places available to rent. He got really pissed off about that, saying that everybody in the village would know that I'm leaving him which is pretty ridiculous as everybody in the village knows about his temper (having seen it at first hand several times). It's actually a much better option for me to find somewhere through the local community in this way as most properties are not listed with agents and also, I will be able to avoid paying expensive agency fees which I really cannot afford at the moment.

He's still really pissed off at me, blames the split on me (despite the fact that I've been begging him for the past 18 months to join in and help repair our relationship which he wasn't willing to do until 2 months ago when he pushed me and that meant it's already too late for me). We ate dinner today as we usually do, me sitting at the table eating while he sits in an armchair in the kitchen, eating his food from his lap, with headphones on, watching the TV on his laptop. As soon as I left the room to return to my office/bedroom, he took the headphones off, closed my door and I can now hear the TV blaring (I've lived in a house without a TV for so many years because I cannot stand to have the TV on and listen to all the shouting, drama, car chases and gun shots and explosions) I like peace and to listen to the birds and the sounds of nature.

I'm hopeful now that I will be out of here in a few weeks, moving into my own place and getting back to being me, rather than somebody who is jumpy and scared all the time, waiting for his temper to flare up again.
 
#30 ·
Thank you - I will use this thread to keep you posted. Because he changes his mind and mood so much, I'm not particularly looking forward to the next month though I am looking forward to getting out. I think the sight of me packing up my stuff is likely to be hard for him(though during a rational conversation yesterday, he promised to help me move and wants to stay friends). At the moment, I'm going along with that in a bid to keep things smooth while I get out.
 
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