macvspc

I have asked friends about this and I put a post in the Considering Separation or Divorce Forum. See, "Separated for a year and wife wants divorce." Married for 10 together for 12. Two kids.

My wife wants a divorce and has said she is done with our marriage. There is another man in her life and I know about it and have confronted her.

At times I feel like a doormat trying to "win" her back but at times I guess reality hits and says its over move on.

What are your feelings? Is her heart set and I am wasting time? Though its not really a waste of time if I am learning what not to so in next relationship.

Thanks for advice.

magnoliagal

A year? Yes she's done.

Prodigal

I can't speak for your wife, but can only give you my perspective on the situation. She's done. I can understand that it is painful for you to accept, but it's time to grieve your loss and move on.

When I told my husband I was done, I meant it. The fact your wife is involved with someone else pretty much cements the deal.

Sorry it ended for you, but now the ball is in your court to move on and accept what is.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Deejo

By the time your wife says the words, "I'm done."

She has been 'done' in her head for a very long time.

'Winning' a wayward spouse back is an utter fantasy. You need to remove the affair from the equation if you want there to be even a remote possibility of reconciliation.

I say it quite frequently; if you want your wayward spouse back, you need to be completely and firmly prepared to let them go.

Anything else, and you ARE a doormat.

__________________
"I figured out they were serious eventually but was thinking it was ridiculous. I wanted to kick them in the balls." - Trenton

Undertheradar

A few things.

My wife was also "done" with our marriage. However, there is no other man, and she's showing some signs of reconciliation.

I do want to point a few things out.

1) Chasing her is the worst thing you could do. You'll never win her back, by being the "you" that she knows. You may get her attention by being the "you" that she doesn't know. That's a person that does something called the "180". Look it up on this board, you'll be surprised just how wrong you've been handling your situation.

2) If there's another man, there's a 99% chance that she's so involved with him, that you're not in her best interest at the moment.

3) Being separated for a year, and still hanging on, means you need to gain control of yourself. My wife has given me a "virtual separation", meaning that she's physically still living with me, but I know that she's not really here in her heart. During that period, I managed to disconnect myself to a point, where breaking up wouldn't devastate me as much as it would have 6 months ago. As soon as I started to drift away, my wife started showing signs of wanting to work through our issues.
I'm not saying your wife would do the same, because I feel as if maybe she already moved on.
Even if you didn't move on, you need to back off 100%.

Move on, or at least never let her know that you haven't moved on.

Ignore her as much as you can. Trust me, it's the only way this will resolve itself.

Jellybeans

Yeah you need to move on. If she says she is done and has a boyfriend already, she is done.

The sooner you accept what she is saying, the sooner you can move on.

notaname

She is done. Sorry.

Serve her with divorce papers.

golfergirl

My husband says he's done everytime we have a fight. I've never said it to him. When I say it, I mean it and I am done. I've never gone back to someone I've broken up with - ever. I have worked my a$$ off during the entire relationship, I've communicated my needs, tried to change my faults, but like a lot of people, when I'm done, stick me with a fork I'm done!
Your wife? She's not me.
Posted via Mobile Device

macvspc

Through all this time I have become more loving and emotional.

My question is:
She thinks this new me is just a game. If I do the "180" isn't that admitting to her that yes I have been playing a game? I started Mort Fertel and also learned much from the Love Dare.

I understand what you are saying. I need to improve myself if not for her but any woman.
Posted via Mobile Device

Deejo

Have you broken ties financially? Or are you subsidizing her affair?

__________________
"I figured out they were serious eventually but was thinking it was ridiculous. I wanted to kick them in the balls." - Trenton

macvspc

Financially I still support my family. I did separate out bank accounts.

I failed to say the OM lives in another state far away. Not that matters much.

Thanks to you all for support.
Posted via Mobile Device

coffee shop

she's done

WhiteRabbit

When a woman is no longer moved to tears by the thought of her man hurting... Then she is done. I would say your wife is in fact done. I'm sorry
Posted via Mobile Device

golfergirl

Just curious - is that where you are at WR?
Posted via Mobile Device

Undertheradar

Is this OM responsible for the separation? Was she having an EA?

And YES, doing the 180 can be more productive, than being emotional and loving.

When my wife first dropped her bomb on me about 5 months ago, I was a train wreck. I never saw it coming, and I found myself really emotional. The people here on this forum, really opened my eyes to certain behavioral patterns, that I never would have known without their support.
I can't stress enough, how important it is, to make every effort to detach yourself from this SITUATION, and make every attempt to move on.

IF there's a chance in the fiery hell, that she'll desire you again, I can assure you, it'll come to light, ONLY after you show her you're ready to move on. PLEASE TAKE MY WORD ON THIS ONE, THE 180 WILL OPEN YOUR EYES AND HERS.

Why don't you start dating? Nothing wrong with it.
If I were in your exact position, I'd start dating. If anything, make it clear to any prospective date, that you're looking for companionship, and you're just coming out of a relationship. There are lots of women that would love to go to a movie, or dinner, and not feel obligated to pursue a relationship. Have some fun.
Do you workout? If not, maybe you should join a gym. That always works.
It's a great way to start feeling better ABOUT YOURSELF.

If my personal situation were to not pan out, I can assure you that I'll be out as much as possible. I'd love to enjoy the presence of another woman, and just have a good time. No need to wait for her. Start enjoying your life.