Hi, minebeloved.
I had a marriage of 8 years after being in a very long distance relationship for 5 (total of 13 years together). When I say long distance, I mean the length greater than that of the Atlantic Ocean.
My marriage wasn't meant to last, but there are definitely some things I believe I did completely right (for me) and some things looking back I could have done differently.
Young and/or inexperienced couples really avoid most of the things I've listed, but even couples marrying for the second time do not really think that the tough discussions apply to them. They think that each other is "mature" enough to "just know things." They think that love is all they need and the rest will fall into place. Really, complete honesty and FRANK DISCUSSION is what is needed in order to maintain that love in my opinion, even if you think you are both on the same page. Until you talk and discuss things at length, you are only assuming. Discussion before marriage brings a dose of reality to the honeymoon period in your relationship, but it is very important.
I'd have periodic heart-to-heart discussions, over a glass of wine, in a relaxed setting, in a NO-JUDGING ZONE. You are simply there to each share your thoughts and feelings on a number of topics that you will have to jointly face some day. It will likely bring to light things about each of you the other was not entirely aware of... some good and maybe some not so good... but the idea is to get those things out before you commit yourself to someone who right now is probably one, giant, chemical high.
1.) My top advice to you is, do not under any circumstances rush to get married if you become engaged after his next visit. If you really have not lived together for a length of time (at least 6 months) then you will not be prepared for what a life together means in terms of your personal space. To relate: I moved to my ex H's country after having been engaged for a few years, but my boundary was that we would not get married until at least 6 months of me living in the country with him. We actually married after 8 months of living together.
When (if) you live together, then my advice is that you live like you're married. You separate chores accordingly and each be responsible for your "things." You find a fair and equitable solution for paying bills. You each contribute and agree as to what is an acceptable contribution... say, if one of you works 60 hours a week and the other works 40. You learn to incorporate very important things like date night regularly (this will be extremely important to your relationship long term). Legally, you won't be married, but the reason I'd suggest you live like you are is that you will "test drive" the marriage. I personally will never live with a man who does not want to BE with me. So, I closely watch his ACTIONS to see if he will demonstrate good abilities in a partner I want to live with and share my life with (these "abilities" are on your personal list of must-haves....). Your possible soon-to-be should be assessing you in the same manner.
2.) Like Gus said, get a pre-nup. Even if you are young and don't have many assets right now, if you are going to have any inheritance from parents or other family members coming to you, it's important that you protect it. It's important that your possible soon-to-be protects his inheritance and any assets as well. There are other reasons for a pre-nup and it should NOT be viewed negatively. It's a protection for you both. I had no pre-nup for my first marriage (I was young, had little, and didn't really understand what it was for) but for my next marriage there is most certainly going to be a pre-nup in place. You should each have your own lawyer who will work with you and arrange to have your best interests protected.
3.) Talk at length about things that you think can "wait until later." It cannot wait until later.
- Talk about finances, the lifestyle you each want to live (just within your means, fairly extravagantly, really frugally, etc).
- Talk about DEBT either of you have, how marriage will affect the one not in debt, and how it is going to be handled (is it the primary responsibility of the one in debt or will it be a shared responsibility to manage?). Etc...
- Talk about parenting styles. Do you both want kids? When? (that is, if both or neither of you want kids. Note I say BOTH or NEITHER- you will NOT be compatible if one wants kids and the other doesn't because both of you will grow to resent the other.). If you both DON'T want kids, talk about what happens if you CHANGE YOUR MIND. Because, there is a very good chance you as a woman will change your mind in the future. You have to be open to the possibility. Two of my very good female friends since college swore up and down that they NEVER wanted children. I have ALWAYS wanted children. Guess what? One now has 3, the other has 2, and I have none (yet).
Make up scenarios: "If we had to discipline our child for him behaving like X, what would we each do?" Learn how each of you parent and what your boundaries are in terms of discipline. This is something you will have to be a united front on in the future.
- Talk about disaster. No one wants to talk about this, ever, but I think it's really important. This is the world we live in and it's good to know where you and your partner stand. What if one of you has a serious health issue in the future? What if one of you needs extensive medical care? Do either of you need regular medication already? How much are you willing to be a caretaker? Etc. Again, not something many people want to discuss because the topic brings with it such a negative connotation. Sometimes things happen down the line and we are caught in very stressful or mentally taxing places where we not only have to care for ourselves, but really advocate for and care for our spouse as well. If you have children, for instance, you would want your husband to advocate for you in the hospital while you're in labor. You want to know that he will be capable of doing this for you as you will not be in a good place to do it yourself.
There is more I could say, but I think the above is probably the most important that I have to offer. I'm sure others will weigh in as well with their pearls of wisdom. :corkysm60: