Hurra

For the past couple of years, it would seem I developed bad listening skills with regards to my wife. She will tell me something and I may hear it or frequently I do not or only get parts of it. She may give me instructions and I may only hear 2/3 things. Then when I mess up or ask her to repeat, she gets annoyed. I honestly try to listen but sometimes can't process the information fast enough, especially if it's something I'm not familiar with. .

I don't seem to have this problem at work or with friends. It is apparently normal to not get 100% of a conservation but I need to do something where my wife is concerned.

Thanks
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AFEH

If you’re being given “instructions” then I guess you’ll only be halve listening anyway lol. Doesn’t your wife know that when a man’s doing something the last thing he reads are the instructions. Those are only referred to when he gets “stuck”.

If it’s really important to her then ask your W to write her “instructions” down, kind of takes the emotions out of the communication and you’ll more likely “hear” what she’s trying to tell you.

A thing to think about is that a lot of woman use a monologue approach to these things, they can’t help it, it’s in their nature. They actually get annoyed, stressed and frustrated if they’re interrupted. Between men (and at work at times with women) it’s very much more of a dialogue with multiple interruptions seeking confirmation or clarification about point(s).

With men, if we can’t confirm or clarify by interrupting we very quickly lose actual interest in the “conversation” and just “turn off”. It’s in our nature to do so!

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

He sure does.
But I'm not much concerned by this any more.
If he can't remember he's scheduled for a vasectomy and had agreed to use condoms 100% of the time, I'll be happy to help him out with a sexual assault charge and a restraining order. Kind of like a little string around his finger.


This is an extreme example. But good listening skills build trust.
To listen, someone needs to be listened to first. As a woman, I think that women sometimes bring this on themselves by ANTICIPATING a man's needs before they need to be articulated. Like a silver platter mentality. I think if a man is to develop good listening skills, first they need to be listened to. It is a 2-way street. See if you are being listened to or if articulation of your needs are being cut off and dismissed because she 'gets it' without you having the opportunity to be listened to. It could be that you are subconsciously mirroring what she offers you, in the misguided sense that what she gives out in terms of listening, is what she wants to receive in return. Just a theory.

Hurra

I don't mean that type of instructions. More like she asks me to help with something and details 3 things I have to do (not like "I need you to do A, B and C". More like "I need you to do A but doing this and that, B by doing it that way or this way, and C once B is half done)

Sometimes it's simple things I admit. But I find other noise distracts or she doesn't speak loud enough or she is speaking to me from another room (I hate that because that is just not right). I think this is a shared problem.
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Enchantment

Sometimes, yes, my husband does have bad listening skills. Sometimes I do too.

But, I did finally figure out where his came from when we would go home to visit his folks and see how they interacted. His mother is the world's biggest chatterbox - chatters at you from morning until night. My husband is not a morning person - and he's told me that from an early age his mother would start chattering at him from the moment he got up. He just learned how to 'tune out'.

He still tunes things out to this day, even though I am not a chatterbox. But now I know how to handle it. I never approach him about anything after he gets up. Just fruitless - if there is something that he needs to remember in the morning (usually about one of the kids because he takes one to one school and I take one to another), then I will write him a note (and remind the kid he's taking because they are GOOD about keeping him on track.)

Otherwise, at other times, I just ask for his undivided attention and we look at each other when we are speaking. Neither of us will do distracting things if it's something really important that needs to be discussed.

There are lots of good tips out there for actively communicating and learning to be a good listener. You should go look some of them up.

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AFEH

I don’t think the problem is one of communication, I think it more to do with respect. If your wife respected you she most certainly wouldn’t be talking to you from another room. I think you are more picking up on her emotions (and yours in response to hers) than you are ever on picking up on the content of what’s actually being said.

Runs like Dog

why bother, I'm just going to get nano managed, corrected, supervised and she'll do it all over again herself.

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Runs like Dog

Ummmm, hmmm, so I was.......mmmmm.....yeah, oh wait here it is......no, wait.....ummm....damn where is that.......so I was.....then.....


I was out of the room about a minute ago.

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Fido

I treat this as 2 different points made:

1.
totally. I also would add that it is because of a lack of respect to the other person. Someone I fully respect, my thoughts never trail off.

At the end of my marriage, I just didn't care for her as much anymore. She was already disconnected hat an EA and only nagged anyways. I tried to listen and knew I was not paying attention, but since in my inner self I didn't care anymore, my thoughts went to other things, like when to vacuum my truck

2.
The interruption is sort of active listening. I know it helps me to repeat someones point to understand it. That's how I work with my subordinates. Give them little bits and pieces and let them repeat. They seem to like it, one actually said he likes it.

So take care of it, address it with her and read up on active listening. Knowing the problem is a start

Good Luck!

Hubby01

Oh this thread is beautiful, so I couldn't help chiming in.

My wife is an absolute chatterbox (you should hear her drunk) and mixed in with the other 3,200,000 words she uses in a day are a set of carefully choreographed instructions I am expected to decipher, obey, rinse and repeat. Sometimes those instructions are given from another room as the baby cries and I have my head under the range hood too!

I know that there is NO way I can keep up with that many words and 1000 times I've told her she must get my attention 1st, and then remain in the same room if she wants to give me instructions. She can't manage that

Then there is just the simple instructions that go on in a day.

This weekend I heard.

"you have to go that way you're always going the long way"
"get in this lane"
"pass this person they're too slow"
"let him go (referring to baby whilst on a 6 foot high boardwalk) he's OK"
"no we're going this way"
"don't sit there, sit at the back"
"don't put the highchair there, it needs to go here"

I'd better stop. This was a 10 minute car ride and a 50 yard walk to a cafe.

Two things I've learned about "most" women that I've encountered in my life.

1. too many words
2. they REALLY like things done their way.