Attracted to Another Man
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Old 07-19-2011, 08:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Attracted to Another Man

What do you ladies do when you find yourself attracted to another man? Up until a few months ago, I didn't think about the fact that post-marriage I would still find other men physically attractive. I know that's naive, but I just never thought of it. Unfortunately, to make matters worse, I work with the guy I am attracted to. I am very happy with my husband and we've only been married for about 18 months, so this came as a surprise to me. But, I can't seem to stop thinking about this guy. It makes it more difficult because at least half of the time he seems to be flirting with me. And with the type of workplace we are in, there's no way to stay separated so that doesn't happen. I know there are other women out there that have been in similar circumstances. I don't want to cheat and I don't plan on it, but I need to figure out how to stop thinking about him.
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Old 07-19-2011, 08:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Attracted to Another Man

You can stop thinking about him and you can set limits if he is flirting.
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Old 07-19-2011, 08:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Realize that every time he flirts with you he is helping you risk your marriage.

Don't participate in the flirting. It's not genuine flattery, he's trying doors.

If you think of it, he's wondering if you are a wet hole for him.

If you can do that, you will no longer be interested in him.
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Old 07-19-2011, 08:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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You need to minimize how much you think about him and keep all interactions strictly professional. Also good to avoid him as much as you can.

If you sense he is flirting you need to tactfully remind him that that is inappropriate.
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Old 07-20-2011, 09:34 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Attracted to Another Man

What would you advise your husband to do if he found himself in the same situation (but with a female co-worker of course)?

Sometimes it's easier to find a solution if we remove ourselves from the picture.

The very first thing you need to do is to set acceptable behaviour boundaries with your work collegue - so that he is aware that flirting is inappropriet and unacceptable.

Then you need to stop allowing yourself to think about this guy in any other way but a professional manner - keep a photo of your husband handy and when you find yourself drifting in to thoughts of the other guy, make yourself pull the photo out and while looking at your husband's face try and imagine how he would feel knowing what you are thinking regarding your work collegue.

This needs to be nipped in the bud (from both sides) ASAP.
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Old 07-20-2011, 11:35 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Attracted to Another Man

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What would you advise your husband to do if he found himself in the same situation (but with a female co-worker of course)?

The very first thing you need to do is to set acceptable behaviour boundaries with your work collegue - so that he is aware that flirting is inappropriet and unacceptable.
I like this I like the photo idea too. If you truly value your marraige, you need to stir your emotions towards your husband, rivive the passion at home. This needs to be your 1st focus, then everything else will fall easier to deal with this situation, and yes CLEAR BOUNDARIES NEED set and if he can not abide by them, even removing yourself from the position may be the best thing you can do. I am sure many marriages have been saved by doing just that.

Here is an idea I share on this forum now & then to REVIVE the passion if your head is going elsewhere, it is dopamine rush after all, whatever we are focused on, so you just need to get it focused where it belongs, back on your husband.

If you have "Windows Movie maker" on your computer, you can easily make a personal video of you & your him (scanning old pics of yourselves through the years), then drop them in this softrware, add your favorite mushy love song, or even find a new one. ...

And when you play this thing back, you will be amazed at what it can do, hearing the song, relating the words, seeing yourselves through the years, the happy times, YOU WILL HAVE A RUSH OF Emotions for your husband , it wont be able to be helped. If you have taken him for granted, even if you are going through a hard time right now, whatever it is, it will wash away and you will want to go grab him & hold on.

At least it worked wonders for me. I took my husband for granted for many years (not terribly but things could have been better) then one crazy night I stayed up ALL night scanning old pics, made one of these, and when I played it back, I just sat there & cried --watching all those beautiful memories FILL ME, it was very powerful, It set ME on a new path with him, haven't taken him for granted for even a day , he even says it started that morning.

I scanned Wedding pics for a friend & made them a video , she told me the husband teared up playing it back, it brought them closer together -for a time anyway.

If not this --- at least get away with your husband, plan a romantic vacation. Do some things you used to do,go back to the places you fell in love. YOu need to have an affair with your spouse. I love this book

Amazon.com: Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin With Your Spouse (9781580627924): Shmuley Boteach: Books
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Old 07-20-2011, 12:01 PM   #7 (permalink)
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You are human. So you will find other people attractive.

Thing is to remember 1. you're married 2. he is your colleague and 3. don't act on it.
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Old 07-20-2011, 12:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
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That book sounds awful.
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Old 07-20-2011, 04:03 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Doesn't sound like anything I would enjoy reading either Clipclop.....
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Old 07-20-2011, 04:04 PM   #10 (permalink)
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That book sounds awful.
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I thought so at first. But the title SEEMS to be about having an affair WITH your husband?
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Old 07-20-2011, 04:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Yes, but read the very negative review.
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Old 07-20-2011, 05:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by justme123 View Post
What do you ladies do when you find yourself attracted to another man? Up until a few months ago, I didn't think about the fact that post-marriage I would still find other men physically attractive. I know that's naive, but I just never thought of it. Unfortunately, to make matters worse, I work with the guy I am attracted to. I am very happy with my husband and we've only been married for about 18 months, so this came as a surprise to me. But, I can't seem to stop thinking about this guy. It makes it more difficult because at least half of the time he seems to be flirting with me. And with the type of workplace we are in, there's no way to stay separated so that doesn't happen. I know there are other women out there that have been in similar circumstances. I don't want to cheat and I don't plan on it, but I need to figure out how to stop thinking about him.
I had an EA at my work. It nearly destroyed my marriage. My wife had to intervene and hit me with the proverbial two by four.

Anyway, what these other folks have said is correct. But I will take this one step further having been there myself. IF this does not improve ... you need to change jobs. Simple as that. No job is worth a marriage.

We are all human. Don't think you can play with this situation or allow it to be a we are just friends thing. Once you start getting sucked in and once you are meeting each others needs it is too late to pull back without help. It seems that he is already got the dopamine flowing with you. This is a chemical thing and reason stops being a factor. It is a brain chemical but at least for men this is called thinking from below the waste.

Do you think of this guy when you choose your work clothes for the day? Do you think about him when you are having sex with your husband? Are you fantasizing about being with him or having passionate sex with him? Are you just especially happy and warm all over going to work because he will be there? Does he just make you happier when you are around him that when you are not?

If so ... you know what you need to do.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 07-20-2011 at 05:26 PM.
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Old 07-20-2011, 05:20 PM   #13 (permalink)
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anyway, what these other folks have said is correct. But i will take this one step further having been there myself. If this does not improve ... You need to change jobs. Simple as that. No job is worth a marriage.
excellent advice.
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Old 07-20-2011, 10:55 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Attracted to Another Man

Great advice from those who have shared so far. YOU better set some limits and fast. Don't let this person flirt with you-- if they say something, you need to say something back (Hey I'm not comfortable with you saying such comments to me because I'm married.). If you cherish, honor, and respect your husband (and your marriage) you'd at least be willing to do that.
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Old 07-21-2011, 07:18 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Yes, but read the very negative review.
There will always be a some negative reviews to any GOOD book. Heck even this has it's critics Amazon.com: Customer Reviews: Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (are you kidding me!!)

My guess is the one who wrote that slamming review, which I did read by the way, is OVERLY religious minded, either he has some real issues going on at home, or he just enjoys being a CRITIC to anything that goes against his tidy holy world view. Did you see how he ended that review saying it could lead to violence & Murder ! WHAT!!!! The man is outrageous to say such a thing and if he is a Chrstian, even more so. I think we should look at the mentality of the poster, don't you!? His take on this book was HIGHLY HIGHLY exaggerated.

Listen, I have this book & NO WHERE is LOVE slaughtered in it. It has ideas that may be a little out of the box, true, BUT NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING, that has you compromising your marraige bed.

Let's face it -If your heart & mind is being led elsewhere to another man or woman , one thing is VERY CLEAR >>> you have LOST passion at home, and have gotten BORED. Who can disagree with this?

Now if that poster feels HOLY in slicing the role of a litte LUST in our lives, he can do it till the cows come home but the reality is - LUST influences the majority of us-even if we refuse to acknowlege it, it plays a HUGE ROLE in sexual attraction. (How many of you married someone you was not sexually attracted too- you never felt the URGE to want to "do them" ? ) People need to get real.

Obvioulsy not that poster and every critic of that beautifully written book Sheet Music, I can imagine what a stick in the mudd they are in bed. (I used to think like this in some measure so I know where these people are coming from).

The review was obviously from a fundamentalist minded person who sees NO value in spicing up your sex life, that you are just a sinner if you get bored in your marraige and the answer lies in finding GOD, anything remotely secular is dung. He likely prays before he has sex too, I wouldn't be surprised. They advocate this in my church mind you.

Personally, I highly ENJOYED the read, it gave me insight to what the ALLURE is in WHY people fall into affaris, and it makes all the sense in the world. It is the same reason we FALL IN LOVE in our youth, it is a RUSH of hormones, lust is involved and it is Da** exciting, it consumes us.

If we can take what you learn about affairs and APPLY them in YOUR marraige, you will infact SAVE your marraige.

***** stars from this reader.

I bought this book because I personally LOVE the Rabbi, have a # of his books, He always makes me smile, laugh when I see him on interviews. Plus I felt it could SPICE up our sex life (after all I used to be somewhat of a prude) - and it DID.


I feel the need to make my own review on Amazon now.
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