txhunter54

Ok, I've posted threads in the Sex in Marriage and Men's clubhouse. Thought I'd ask here too.

I'm wondering if I'm just about at the point of giving up on my marriage. But, I want to say I've tried everything before giving up.

The biggest issues are lack of communication and her low sex drive. She won't tell me what's wrong, won't go to counseling and won't provide any ideas on how to increase intimacy. When we do have sex, it is very infrequent and not fulfilling as she really doesn't participate much at all.

I've worked on Nice Guy, Man Up, Reducing the thermometer, done a physical transformation (gotten in great shape) and all my efforts seem for naught! I get compliments from other women on my physical transformation. But, not from my wife. I've tried to get her to go out on dates. But, she prefers to stay at home and order in vs. going to a restaurant.

I've asked her how we can increase intimacy and she responds with "I don't know". I suggested buying some sexy lingerie to get in the mood but she said it would be a waste of money as she wouldn't wear it.

I definitely feel like we are roommates more than husband and wife. She doesn't like holding hands and kisses other than good bye in the morning and good night at night seem to be an inconvenience to her.

She loves to quilt and could do that 24/7 including quilting up until bedtime thus leaving no time for any fun before falling asleep.

Any suggestions? I'm very tired of trying to make it work when there seems to be no improvements.

seeking sanity

This may not be a solvable problem. It may be time for you to tell her that you've gone to great efforts to improve the marriage and that since she is not willing to participate it is time to end the marriage.

turnera

We need more info. How long married, kids, ages, family life before meeting you, mental issues.

txhunter54

Married 28 yrs. Two boys, 26 and 23. I grew up in a two parent family with three younger sisters. No mental issues on my side. No drug or alcohol issues. I rarely have a beer, glass of wine or scotch. My wife was raised by an alcoholic father. Her mother died shortly after she was born. She has one older brother. She does not take drugs and only has alcohol socially in small amounts. Both of us are non-smokers too.

SunnyT

l'd have to poke her with a stick a bit before throwing in the towel.

I'd ask her if she'd mind if you found someone who would participate in dating, intimacy and sex outside the marriage. I'd tell her that you are lonely as well as horny and not ready to sit in a rocking chair.

If that doesn't spark any decent options from her, that is your answer. I'd think it would be time to part ways. Life is too short. I sure don't understand people who don't GET that once the kids are gone.... we get another chance to live it up!!! It's not time yet to be old and tired.... its time to have fun, enjoy each other, enjoy life, enjoy ALOT of sex!

Seriously, if you've done all you can (and it sounds like you have) and you can live with the amount of effort you've put in to trying to make it better..... just make the separation/divorce as simple as possible. She may not like the idea, but if she is content the way things are, odds are that she will be content without you there. Sad.

anonymiss

Sounds like an older version of what I could have turned out to be. Maybe you are not speaking her Language of Love. Have you read that book?

txhunter54

No, I haven't read the book "Language of Love". I've read several marriage help books though. Just not that one.

SimplyAmorous

I agree with this -

Let's summarize....

You've talked to her about wanting more sex , she refuses to give you anything to go on, she refuses counseling , can't even give you a sentence on what YOU CAN do to make it exciting for her (in order words you are considering her feelings & need some help), Sex is rare and when it does happen, she just lays there , no passion or desire from her. (that would get old real fast)

You've manned up- as to not look like a doormat, not badgered her for sex but left her to her own hobbies and took a step back . You've taken steps to improve your physcial appearance-with other women noticing you. You've tried dating her to revive her free spirit -like you enjoyed in your youth - but even that holds no interest for her.

And you are met with "I don't know's" at every turn. She's told you to not waste your money on lingerie cause she won't wear it.

She has no joy in holding hands & kissing other than a peck in the morning & night.

Quilting is her passion & puts this before you even at night when you could be enjoying healthy marital bonding & intimacy.

Not sure how long this has been going on for you, if for a long while, sounds like you have the patience of Job to me and she sounds like a woman who refuses to be moved, or cares anythng about your needs, you're hands have been completely tied. Her refusal for even counseling is like spitting in your face.

The way she is described here puts me in mind of an old Grannie in a rocking chair, very content to keep sewing her squares together, not sure how you have not died of boredom.

What else can be tried -seriously ! She is not into IT. You can't change a person, you either go with them & live out your days like this -caues she is not coming your direction or you choose to leave and find happiness with another who accually shares your love of intimacy & good old fashioned sex.

__________________
"Love Good Blog"

SimplyAmorous

Link to the book and tests here :

What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?

__________________
"Love Good Blog"

txhunter54

I took the Love language test. Pretty much supports my thoughts.
In order:
Physical touch - 33%
Words of Affirmation - 27%
Acts of Service - 23%
Quality time - 17%
Receiving Gifts - 0%

Physical Touch being number one is no surprise.
I think the words of affirmation scored high mainly because I want it but don't get it. I mostly get criticisms.
0% on gifts means I want her affection not some small or big gift.

peacefully

It sounds to me like your wife is chronically withholding and rejecting you. That is a profoundly painful place to be... It also sounds like you have been working hard to keep up your side of the street, and to foster positive change. The response you have been receiving from your wife seems very passive aggressive to me- as in she is giving you a response via her attitude and behavior (or lack of), and not communicating openly, or being responsive to your requests or to the efforts you have made. This is a form of emotional abuse and a form of abandonment. She has vacated from the relationship, but stays as she is probably comfortable and might still want the safety and security that being married provides.
I hear that you are looking for suggestions to elicit change in her, however insight does not work on those who are unmotivated to change; you can only change yourself. Stop trying to fix her, or your marriage and instead focus on developing a life that has the potential for happiness, intimacy and companionship.

Jellybeans

Ugh this sounds so frustrating. Do you guys ever have sex? How is she emotionally? Depressed? Do you treat her lovingly?
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txhunter54

Jellybeans,
The sex is infrequent and mostly me providing the foreplay and affection. She can get aroused but only likes missionary position and within the last year has not wanted me to give her oral sex. Oral sex from her has never been an option.

I've asked her friend/old boss if she thought she was depressed. She didn't think so.

I think I treat her lovingly. But, I'm often met with stiff resistance for hugs, kisses, holding hands, etc. Like I'm an imposition to her. I'll come from behind and try to give her a hug and kiss while she is cooking dinner or doing her quilting. She typically responds with "What?" or "Can't you see I'm ______" fill in the blank with whatever she was doing.

Jellybeans

Oh man this sounds awful. :-( so how often is 'infrequent sex?'
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txhunter54

I'm not sure the last time we had sex. Maybe a month ago? If I don't initiate, it doesn't happen.