He gave me WHAT for my b'day
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Old 08-04-2011, 11:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default He gave me WHAT for my b'day

My b'day was almost 2 weeks ago. Husband asked what I wanted for my b'day. I specifically told him Jason Aldeans cd. Not alot of money, something easy to buy.

He hands me a store bag with my gift inside. It is a hairbrush? At first I think it is a gag gift, we'll have a laugh then he'll break out my real gift, and he will say "got cha." I laugh and say, "ok now give me my real gift, you know my JA cd." This goes on, then I realize he's for real, the brush is my gift. I laughed, because if I didn't I would have cried.

I sat there. My feelings were hurt. What is the proper response? So I say nothing. If I would have talked, my voice would have quivered. You know the quiver when a woman is trying to hold back tears.

My husband gets angry. Yeah angry. I didn't thank him for the gift I look at him, hurt. He accuses me of being childish, and pouting. He tells me it's not about the gift, it's the thought that counts. When he gives me a gift I should appreciate it, and say thank you.

I could not bring myself to thank him for the brush. As he left the room I sat there wondering, is this guy for real.

Since that day his words "it's the thought" has been rolling around in my mind.
Does he love me that little to think of buying me a hairbrush for my b'day?
Is his value of me that low?
After 17 years am I not worth more to him?

To make matters worse the next day I get on FB. His brothers gf post that he (BIL) surprised her by leaving flowers in her car after work. At home he made her dinner, and gave her a foot massage. Gezzzz and I got a hairbrush.

So am I being childish?
Reading more into this than what it is?
Was there a better way to have handled this?

I'm so
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Old 08-04-2011, 11:39 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: He gave me WHAT for my b'day

I sooo feel your pain on this.

I have been given a vacuum for xmas (from an ex), a funnel and oil for my car (from an ex), and nail polish remover WITH cotton balls (from an ex). hahaha...oh man.

I know how you feel and the sadness, pouting, childish behavior. You know you are doing it. I've done it!

However, looking back on this past Mother's Day (hubby bought some cheap flowers and that was it), I acted the same way and now I wish I would have reveled in that day instead of throwing a fit.

Find something good about the hairbrush...is it a good one? Maybe your husband likes your hair?
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Old 08-04-2011, 11:51 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Don't feel alone and don't feel bad about being hurt.

i once got H a personally engraved silver swiss army knife from Tiffany along with the usual supply of boxer briefs,socks,shirts,a new motorcycle jacket that I agonized over getting special ordered,customized,etc...

he got a new snowbaby for me for my collection and a coffee mug from some nature store that he liked and i had never been in...oh and an ugly iron picture frame that he found at the same store.

i never showed how sad and angry I was at his thoughtless gifts...but OH i totally know how you feel.
From ex, I got maternity clothes. Would have been thoughtful but they were from plus size store rather than maternity. Doesn't really work for pants and they were awful.
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Old 08-04-2011, 12:12 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: He gave me WHAT for my b'day

Yikes. I've gotten so bad ones from an ex who liked to give gifts, but always gave terrible ones. UGLY flower arrangements that you would give to your Aunt Gertrude for Easter, an enormous white stuffed dog that said "hahahahah I LOVE YOU" in a really creepy voice if you squeezed it, I've blocked out most of them.

I always tried to fake gratitude. But it does suck. I'm like you WhiteRabbit... I try to go way out of my way choosing a gift, and I get REALLY into wrapping and making roses out of ribbon and all that stuff. And I agonize over the card - which card, what to write. I've been known to give an SO gifts with two cards because I couldn't decide. When you go to all that trouble, it hurts to realize that the most they could bring themselves to do was to grab something at the nearest store and give it you in the bag it came in.

My H and I have sort of stopped gifts for now for financial reasons, I'm not working and we just agreed not to exchange them. But he did recently give me something that was pretty awful... what was it... oh I know: it was a fuschia mosquito-repelling candle. It had an enormous black mosquito drawn on it. I just looked at him. I didn't know what to do. He was so offended that I didn't thank him profusely LOL. Thank goodness it was one of those random gifts and not for a birthday or holiday.
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Old 08-04-2011, 12:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: He gave me WHAT for my b'day

"I try to go way out of my way choosing a gift, and I get REALLY into wrapping and making roses out of ribbon and all that stuff. And I agonize over the card - which card, what to write. I've been known to give an SO gifts with two cards because I couldn't decide. When you go to all that trouble, it hurts to realize that the most they could bring themselves to do was to grab something at the nearest store and give it you in the bag it came in."


This is me <3

This is NOT my husband.

I have learned to accept that. Now I send a list of "ideas" and he picks one
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Old 08-04-2011, 12:21 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: He gave me WHAT for my b'day

yup...i'm feeling all of you on this issue.

i started reserving all meaningful gifts,cards,wrapping,etc...for my mom. she's the only one who appreciates it and puts just as much thought into the gifts she gives.

amazing how we can give each other perfectly heartfelt and meaningful gifts that make each other feel loved without spending a ton of money...
yet H could spend a ton and think it's a great gift I should be totally pleased with even though it took him 5 seconds to pick out or click "add to cart" online.

*sigh* some people just don't get the concept of meaningful gifts...they shall forever receive gift cards or cash from me.
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Old 08-04-2011, 12:22 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: He gave me WHAT for my b'day

Heh gag gifts, is that what they are called? I was a bit cruel in this manner in the past as I tend to give gag gifts or pretend I forgot just to make her go ... before I surprise her and she goes ... then we go ... and ... and *smoochie smoochie*

But she's kinda used to those pranks by now unfortunately, she knows I just like to take the piss outta her from time to time. So nowadays it's harder to surprise her. Still, I never give up, so instead of asking her, I keep an eye out for hidden details and hidden cravings, even if she tells me she wants this or that, I still get her something extra to get her heart all funny, and makes her all jiddy.

Even if we're closer to each other then our friends I still acknowledge the importance of listening to her friends for ideas -> it helps with the surprise because otherwise it's like "yeah whatever, I told you what I wanted anyway" She repaid the favor in time too, got me a nice bow, always wanted one. Funny though, because it's our money - and it cost a fair bit too heh.

Anyways gift-giving is an art, and it takes a lot of time to perfect it. Your husband could have tried to do what I do; being creative and hoping to surprise you, but failed, and he's annoyed that you can't see that he could have actually been thinking about you for a long time and thought to himself that you might appreciate that gift. I would be pissed off and hurt and disappointed too if I failed to please my wife in this manner -> and she chucks a tantrum, even if I understand it.

Your husband is right, it's the thought that counts. The more you start appreciating the little things, even bad gifts, the more confident and empathic he may end up being in future gift-giving endeavors.
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Old 08-04-2011, 12:24 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: He gave me WHAT for my b'day

My mother is the WORST to buy for. If you buy her a nice gift and it's not what she wanted, she pouts. If I write something nice in a card, she says, "It's the same thing you wrote last time, learn some new material."

Screw her. LOL! She gets shet now. Nada.
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Old 08-04-2011, 12:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: He gave me WHAT for my b'day

FWIW.... I haven't even gotten a card from my wife in at least 5 years, never mind a gift from the heart.

Ice in the veins.

Worst part, is that it FORCES ME to do the same.

Now, if the subject comes up, it's laughed off as " haha, we stopped exchanging years ago".

Believe me, it bothers me.


I haven't gotten a Christmas, Father's day, or birthday anything in years.

According to her, that's only for people that are still in the honeymoon stages of their relationship.

Monday is my birthday.
This is the first year that we're working on our marriage. Prior years were considered normal years. This year was a bad one, and we came very close to splitting up.
If there ever was a time to put her best foot forward, it's this Monday.
I guess i'll find out what she's feeling soon enough.
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Old 08-04-2011, 12:46 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: He gave me WHAT for my b'day

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yet H could spend a ton and think it's a great gift I should be totally pleased with even though it took him 5 seconds to pick out or click "add to cart" online.

*sigh* some people just don't get the concept of meaningful gifts...they shall forever receive gift cards or cash from me.
When we were dating, I bought my wife a pizza stone for Christmas (not the only gift - she also got jewelry and a sweater she had wanted). She had seen one, thought it was great, but did not want to waste the money. We were both young and money was tight, so I bought it for her, thinking it was a great gift that she wanted and would not get for herself.

She and her sisters were horrified that I would buy her a gift for the kitchen. It took many years before I bought her something that was not on her list, and even now, she will never get anything from me for the kitchen.

Perhaps this is a long winded way of saying there is a difference between not putting thought or effort into a gift, and buying a bad gift.
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Old 08-04-2011, 12:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
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She and her sisters were horrified that I would buy her a gift for the kitchen.
My mom is the same way - my dad bought her a $400 stand mixer for Mothers Day, it was something she really wanted, but she was disappointed. I on the other hand LOVE kitchen gifts!! My H doesn't give them to me because he's intimidated by the fact that I'm really, really into cooking, he has no idea what any of the stuff is actually for, he doesn't know what I have or want, and he's seen be very critical of certain kitchen items in stores. But if someone would buy me just the RIGHT kitchen thing I would love it!

This thread is making me want to get my H a nice gift for no reason. Unfortunately, I don't really work right now so it would be me spending his money and it's not the best time for that. I think I'll settle for a sexy homemade card
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Old 08-04-2011, 12:58 PM   #12 (permalink)
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ugh this makes my heart hurt
Yours?
Mine doesn't exactly feel all warm and fuzzy.
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Old 08-04-2011, 01:17 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: He gave me WHAT for my b'day

First thought . . . with all the other postings on TAM, perhaps a little thanks that he's not giving the OW the hairbrush for YOUR birthday. Or txting her while you blow out the candles with the kids in the other room. Don't mean to sound so cynical - but some people have some horrible situations they're dealing with.

Second thought - if you told him you wanted a CD, it seems odd that he couldn't just go and get it. That's why God created amazon.com so lazy husbands can order a gift without leaving their lazy-boys. Poor showing on his part. Tell him so.

Third thought . . .As for me and my wife - we stopped trying to buy gifts for those special days (Bday, anniversary etc.). But if I see something that she might like, or she does the same thing for me, we get it for the other person (could be a CD, gift card to a coffee place, special food, flowers for no reason, whatever. And it's never an extravagent (sp?) thing, but a 'just thinking of you moment.' These gifts are truly something that touches the other person. Of course, if only one side of the relationship does this, it won't be very fun for long.

That all said . . . we still haven't gone out for our anniversary from three weeks ago since we can't seem to make a reservation and stay civil to each other long enough before getting to the restaurant to enjoy it. But, this too is getting better.

Happy Belated B'day!
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Old 08-04-2011, 01:19 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: He gave me WHAT for my b'day

It's the thought that counts... What exactly was he thinking? That you'd like to brush your hair? Sheesh!

My H buys me things that aren't exactly romantic. My favorite gift was an air purifier. My allergies were progressing and he noticed how miserable I was. There was real thought behind that gift so it meant a lot. There has to be a thought for "the thought" to count.
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Old 08-04-2011, 01:37 PM   #15 (permalink)
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OMG.....

my mom is the WORST gift giver!!!!

we can be out, and i say....oh i like that phone, i should switch phones. even if i point out a few different ones..you know i want a phone, and its december....

she will get me a calender & a shirt that she likes...that isnt a phone is it, its not even close...!!!!

she dosent understand, that when you get a gift for someone else its what they want....

she likes sending clothes to us..fine, kids whatever, but husband is very....choosy about his clothes, and my mom picks things she likes, and her "wish list", "if i was a boy" thats what i would wear....

i have to be on the phone with her and we end up screaming at each other about clothes..."why dosent want pleats in his pants, oohh i found some with 4 pleats...4 is better right..????"

oh then she calls me and says, i found something for you...tis socks..in all colors...dont you want them, i do....then buy them for yourself, i dont wear color socks...

then shes mad....arrgh...
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