Controlled = abused?

sen78 · 08-12-2011, 12:37 PM

I posted a question in the general forum that focused on my husband's difficulty dealing with our son's lack of athletic ability, and it sort spiraled into something else. One of the responses indicated my husband's behavior as abusive. I disagree. But am I right?

To a certain degree, my husband IS controlling. This is largely because A) I am a passive person and B) he is a "type A" personality and very much in-charge at all times. I've tried changing myself, and I can sometimes successfully make and maintain boundaries, but I too often cave in and allow things to "just happen." Example? I told him he could only come to my son's games and not practice because he gets so worked up over how badly my son does at football. He is coming to practices now. The only way I was successfully able to get him away from practice is by "deciding" we should let our son be a "big guy" and drop him off and pick him up afterwards. Thankfully, most of the parents are doing this.

But my husband IS very controlling. It's largely unspoken. He is NEVER verbally abusive toward me. He doesn't demean me, call me names. In 13 years, he once lost his temper and chucked a water bottle in my general direction and once pushed me because I was keeping him away from our son while he was in the middle of a big rage. Both these incidents are well in the past (4 and 8 years ago respectively). I don't "throw the past at him" but I also made it clear the second time that I would NOT tolerate such stupidity. He is working on his temper with some success. He isn't like he used to be. He is a better person and can control his tendencies toward yelling.

He still maintains a great deal of control simply because I don't much speak up. In fact, he often asks, "Well, what would you like to do? What do you want?" and I'm so used to never having to decide that I'm unable to do so. It's frustrating, obviously.

Why do I let him maintain control? I don't think I'm "afraid" of him. But I don't like rocking the boat, either. I guess maybe I'm afraid of fighting, but I'm not sure.

I really don't like the thought of counseling. My mom "tried" counseling when she and my dad split. She went to a doctor who told her the best bet was to leave my dad. My dad was a good father and husband. She just wanted to go because she'd met someone else. I don't really trust counselors that much.

I frankly don't know what to do or think. The idea that I've been abused and didn't even realize it makes me feel very anxious and worried. Thoughts?

Lon · 08-12-2011, 12:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sen78

I posted a question in the general forum that focused on my husband's difficulty dealing with our son's lack of athletic ability, and it sort spiraled into something else. One of the responses indicated my husband's behavior as abusive. I disagree. But am I right?

To a certain degree, my husband IS controlling. This is largely because A) I am a passive person and B) he is a "type A" personality and very much in-charge at all times. I've tried changing myself, and I can sometimes successfully make and maintain boundaries, but I too often cave in and allow things to "just happen." Example? I told him he could only come to my son's games and not practice because he gets so worked up over how badly my son does at football. He is coming to practices now. The only way I was successfully able to get him away from practice is by "deciding" we should let our son be a "big guy" and drop him off and pick him up afterwards. Thankfully, most of the parents are doing this.

But my husband IS very controlling. It's largely unspoken. He is NEVER verbally abusive toward me. He doesn't demean me, call me names. In 13 years, he once lost his temper and chucked a water bottle in my general direction and once pushed me because I was keeping him away from our son while he was in the middle of a big rage. Both these incidents are well in the past (4 and 8 years ago respectively). I don't "throw the past at him" but I also made it clear the second time that I would NOT tolerate such stupidity. He is working on his temper with some success. He isn't like he used to be. He is a better person and can control his tendencies toward yelling.

He still maintains a great deal of control simply because I don't much speak up. In fact, he often asks, "Well, what would you like to do? What do you want?" and I'm so used to never having to decide that I'm unable to do so. It's frustrating, obviously.

Why do I let him maintain control? I don't think I'm "afraid" of him. But I don't like rocking the boat, either. I guess maybe I'm afraid of fighting, but I'm not sure.

I really don't like the thought of counseling. My mom "tried" counseling when she and my dad split. She went to a doctor who told her the best bet was to leave my dad. My dad was a good father and husband. She just wanted to go because she'd met someone else. I don't really trust counselors that much.

I frankly don't know what to do or think. The idea that I've been abused and didn't even realize it makes me feel very anxious and worried. Thoughts?

hmm, don't mean this in a disrespectful way but seeing so many "I" statements makes me compelled to turn a lot of this back on you... it seems that you also have some control issues. Even though your H is the type A one, being passive doesn't mean you are the one in the passenger seat. This probably doesn't help deal with your H's behavior much but maybe will help give you a little different angle to view it from.

magnoliagal · 08-12-2011, 12:53 PM

I suggest you read up on what consititutes abuse. Belittling your son on a regular basis is abuse in my humble opinion.

You are walking on eggshells to placate your husband. That's not normal either.