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Husband said I have an attitude when I don't

5K views 41 replies 26 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
When my husband got home from work today we talked for a few minutes, then he changed clothes and cleaned up for dinner. I was asking how his day was while I was making plates and out of the blue he accused me of having an attitude because I had a weird look on my face. He does this all the time. I told him I have no idea what my face is doing because I'm not looking at it. Now I DO have an attitude. I get so sick of him judging me by what he thinks he reads in my facial expressions. I mean how can I prove that I am not mad and don't have an attitude? Not that I should bother to try. Does this happen to anyone else or am I the only one living in this form of hell?
 
#3 ·
When my husband got home from work today we talked for a few minutes, then he changed clothes and cleaned up for dinner. I was asking how his day was while I was making plates and out of the blue he accused me of having an attitude because I had a weird look on my face. He does this all the time. I told him I have no idea what my face is doing because I'm not looking at it. Now I DO have an attitude. I get so sick of him judging me by what he thinks he reads in my facial expressions. I mean how can I prove that I am not mad and don't have an attitude? Not that I should bother to try. Does this happen to anyone else or am I the only one living in this form of hell?
I suspect there is more to this...much more.
Honesty there isn't. I can't count the number of times he's gotten mad at me because he assumed I was mad at him. He thinks he's a good judge of my feelings but he's not. I've also been told to calm down and stop freaking out when I was perfectly calm.
 
#9 ·
Honesty there isn't. I can't count the number of times he's gotten mad at me because he assumed I was mad at him. He thinks he's a good judge of my feelings but he's not. I've also been told to calm down and stop freaking out when I was perfectly calm.
It's possible that he's assuming reactions exist that aren't there because of some issue in his past or his family of origin.

My ex-husband would curtly order me to calm down if we were in a stressful situation, despite the fact that I was already calm and he was the one who appeared overwrought because he was barking orders at his wife. As it turns out, all the women in his family were the panicky, hand-wringing, hysterical type. He'd been conditioned from birth that in any type of stressful situation, the men had to deal with hysterical women. I was a woman. Therefore, I must become hysterical under stress. It didn't matter that my actual personality is entirely counter to that expectation. He just assumed it as a matter of course - like the sky being blue, just an obvious fact. It never even occurred to him to check and see if it were true.

And not only was he blind to the reality before him, he was openly dismissive of any attempt to assure him that his perception wasn't factual. The more I said, "I'm fine" or "I am calm, let's just deal with [stressful situation]", the more he perceived me as "freaking the hell out!" and the more agitated, angry and aggressive he became. Due, of course, to my shameful and embarrassing tendency to overreact and freak out about every little thing. :rolleyes:

So, what's his mother like? How do his parents interact? Is there a dynamic in his life/past that might have taught him that "women do X" to a degree that he's unable to step back and actually take in the real situation?
 
#4 ·
Yep it does happens to me. I'm my particular case I do have a lot of face expressions. Us Puerto Ricans speak a lot with facial and head movements, hands and even noise and eye brows. Hubby thinks or assume he knows all of them and we can be talking normal or usual stuff and then suddenly stops saying never mind I see you have an attitude or why that makes you made I see your neck Bahahaha I don't know where he gets his readings but he is wrong most times unless we actually having some kind of discussion i don't really care hide what I feel or avoid my expressionis. It hasn't been a big deal in the almost 8 years we been together.
 
#5 ·
That's me as well. I can't hide when I'm shocked, appalled or disgusted because my face tells it all but when I'm concentrating or just having a normal conversation I guess I have a resting ***** face. It's nothing personal and I'm not even aware of it. You'd think he would pay more attention to my words and not my face.
 
#8 ·
My ex used to do this to me all the time. He'd some something like your husband does, then he'd start picking at me and telling me what he thought I was thinking. It was crazy making.

Note that he's my ex.
 
#6 ·
My H has whatever form of resting b*tch face that makes him look like a serial killer plotting to murder me. It took a while of me asking what was wrong or why he was mad before we figured out that's just his face. I still sometimes think he's pissed off or has some kind of attitude because of it. I bet this is what it is with you too (I don't mean that in a bad way) I look bored or annoyed as my default.

Send him this :) http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/02/fashion/im-not-mad-thats-just-my-resting-b-face.html?_r=0
 
#24 ·
LOL I was in a business meeting once and made a suggestion and another woman I didn't know well quietly stared at me with this major scowl on her face. I thought - wow, she looks like a *****! Apparently she didn't like my idea!

Later when I knew her longer I saw that was just her face! She was the sweetest, most thoughtful person, and very pretty when she smiled. Poor woman was politely listening to me and I thought she was giving me major stink eye!
 
#7 ·
I can relate to this.

I had friends who, when talking with their siblings, would sound very upset and angry. I'd tell them to calm down, and they're response was "we're not mad!!"

Also, I can be a bit touchy to certain tones and to me, it feels like the speaker is very mad at me when in reality they're not. It's because that's how someone talked to me when I was growing up and she was very passive aggressive and so I learned when she talked like that, she was upset.

Sometimes it's all in ones perception.
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#10 ·
When my husband got home from work today we talked for a few minutes, then he changed clothes and cleaned up for dinner. I was asking how his day was while I was making plates and out of the blue he accused me of having an attitude because I had a weird look on my face. He does this all the time. I told him I have no idea what my face is doing because I'm not looking at it. Now I DO have an attitude. I get so sick of him judging me by what he thinks he reads in my facial expressions. I mean how can I prove that I am not mad and don't have an attitude? Not that I should bother to try. Does this happen to anyone else or am I the only one living in this form of hell?
Depends. If you and your H have a good relationship otherwise and this is just one of his weird glitches, then you walk over to him, give him a hug and a kiss, and tell him you aren't mad and he's misreading you.

If you are full of resentment and this is getting on your last nerve, it might be hard for you to address this in a kind manner at this point.

What happens when you are really mad? Are you vocal and obvious about it, or do you tend to stew and sulk? He might not be able to tell the difference if you aren't especially demonstrative when you are mad.
 
#11 ·
I experienced that sort of crazy-making behaviour with an abusive ex. There was always some self-invented scenario for him to feel aggrieved about!

Paranoia can be a symptom of a variety of illnesses... Suggest that your H go for a check up with his doctor.
 
#13 ·
My XH2 used to tell me that I gave him dirty looks all the time, when I wasn't...I think it was because he was so hostile and negative all the damn time that he projected that onto me! (although I DO tend to look very serious when I am not smiling or laughing! b!tchy resting face?? maybe, lol!) I think he was always on the defensive.
 
#15 ·
I was always having affairs. He used to take the dog for a walk then keep phoning the landline and my cellphone, withholding his number. He'd even go out then quickly come dashing back through the door - wild eyed and wanting to check what I was doing on my PC.
 
#18 ·
I am a man, however, my wife did this for years. It took me forever to figure out that in reality SHE was the one with the attitude every time that she made this accusation against me. For the life of me I could not figure out what I had done wrong... I knew I was happy and suddenly I was being accused of being angry. Could that be what is happening with you and it actually has nothing to do with the face that you are making? Maybe he is in a foul mood?
 
#28 ·
Thanks for sharing your perspective. It's possible he was having a bad day. Hell, if I come home in a foul mood after a bad day he takes it personally so I don't even vent about my day. He expects me to be smiley and happy all the time and that doesn't happen in real life. I can let him drive me nuts but I try to ignore his silly moods so he doesn't drag me down.
 
#21 ·
Mrs X I don't like the sound of your husband. He doesn't treat you very nice. He sounds a tad abusive. I always go on high alert now when a third party tries to tell me what I'm thinking and how they think I'm feeling or in your case, of 'having an attitude' when you clearly say you don't. If you don't Mrs X, then you don't. He sounds like a pain in the ass quite frankly and I would be fed up with someone telling me they think I am a certain way when that is not the case. What is his problem anyway?

Are you looking for suggestions or validation?
 
#22 ·
Thanks for your comment. He can be a real piece of work at times. I just wonder if it's me or if others experience this as well. One time he asked why are you getting so mad and I have him a demonstration on how I behave when I'm mad by smashing a bottle of his cologne against a wall. I haven't let him take me there in a long time and you're right, I agree that it's some form of emotional abuse to tell someone how they're feeling.
 
#27 ·
You were probably just concentrating on what you were doing while you talked to him. I wonder if you could get him to agree to simply ask "Are you upset?" or "What are you thinking about?" when he senses you're mad?

My husband is not paranoid like that, but if I take a deep breath he'll hear it from the other room and be all "What? What did I do?" LOL, I'm just BREATHING! (In fairness it is the same sound I make when he has done somethign.)

Sometimes he talks really loud and gets defensive when I ask him to lower his voice. The other day I was pushing on my jaw joints (I have TMJ) so I could chew while he was talking to me and mid stream he goes "Fine, forget it! I get it!" I was like WTH? and he said "I know, I know, I'm too loud. you don't have to plug your ears, I'll just stop talking."

I also daydream a lot and make all kinds of faces while I'm spacing out and he will often say "What's wrong" but he is not like your H in that as soon as I say "nothing" in a stress-free voice, he accepts that and believes it. Or he'll ask what I was thinking and then regret it when I give him this long explanation of my convoluted spacing-out-day-dreaming thoughts.
 
#32 ·
Hi Mrs. X

Can I ask - Do you often have problems communicating your feelings about things with your husband verbally. Do you give him 'the silent treatment'

I ask because I am often guilty of picking up on my wife's facial expressions. She has a terrible poker face and it is pretty obvious to me when she's annoyed about something. But often she won't say anything and instead stink the place out with 'attitude'. Its a FOO thing with her.

Could it be that he got it wrong this time but is doing it because often he is right?

Sent from my LG-H815 using Tapatalk
 
#34 ·
I'm not that evolved. He's kinda passive aggressive and tends to deflect and make things my fault. Last time he did it I cursed him out badly, I mean I totally ripped him a new one. It was very wrong on my part but I think he needed it because I haven't had any trouble with him since then.
 
#36 ·
Early on in my marriage, my wife informed me I had a problem. It was not what I said but the way I said it. I did not like what she was telling me at first, but she was right. My tone of voice was causing what I was saying to come out as me being a controlling ass to her. My wife is a sweet southern girl that had never left her home town until we moved to our first duty station, and I am a military brat that was born in southern CA. It was a learning experience for the both of us and we did learn how to talk to one another in more ways then one.

Facial expressions are a big way of communicating between people, not saying you are doing what your husband is saying but that is what he is reading into it. Suggest the two of you seat down and talk it out, I think there are some underlying problems that need to be worked out.
 
#37 ·
My H does the same thing. Ask what my problem is...why I am moody. When indeed I'm not...but that comment sure does wonders for giving me a problem.
I think myH does it and maybe yours, when they are bothered by something or in a weird mood over something happening. You know the saying misery loves company.



Sent from my iPhone
 
#38 ·
If you react upset AT ALL when he makes this accusation, it is only going to put you two in a feedback loop.

Let's spell that out:

1 - he wrongly accuses you of being upset
2 - you get upset
3 - he sees your reaction as proof that he was right in spite of your words.

He's not here, he's not looking for a change. You are. In your seat you can fix number two. How? Work on yourself hard to make yourself stay calm and explain that you're not. If you don't he will just go to number 3 and loop back to number 1 in the future.
 
#40 ·
People that constantly try to interpret people's facial expressions or moods all the time are some of the worst people on earth. I think its a form of control or lack of control that they try to acquire to control a person.

I believe you have two types of these people, from a male perspective. The ones who never were able to get women when they were young. They were uncool outta shape helicopter flyers, Pokemon card and bottle cap collectors. Most likely an eagle scout or hall and bus monitor. These geeks operate from a position of fear and uncertainty. The women they attained have a higher market value than them, so at every little turn, they're saying "what's wrong"? "Are you mad"? The lack of intuition and social skills have them guessing , and the fear is based on not wanting to be rejected, or being uncomfortable when there is ambiguity. Uncertainty in their mind scares them.

Then you have the generational habit Guy, that constantly is determining your mood because his father did it to his mother. The women were borderline stepfords, and if you're not smiling then the universe is a millimeter of its axis which causes an uncomfortable vibe in the house because there isn't perfect order in the house. These men need to know your mood so They can have an emotional hierarchy over you. Knowing your moods or expression gives them some satisfaction and a one uppmanship over you. Its a self important trait to have you figured out and what makes you tic. They will then extrapolate their mood-ar and use it against you when an argument arises. These men tend to choose a good looking women with a little low self esteem and try to control them so they won't go anywhere. Many of them were try hards in Highschool, the kids that always wanted to know your grade because they were in secret competition. Usually the kids that got into mid tier colleges and couldn't hack into a duke, Notre dame, northwestern, u of Chicago, Wake forest,but had to settle for a Texas a and M, Florida state, UNC, Ohio state.
 
#41 ·
Oh my gosh!! I get this all the time! But, usually, it's "why do you have to use that tone?" and i'm trying to figure out, what tone? I've even recorded conversations and asked friends/therapist if they detect a "tone". So far, they've all said my tone seemed fine. What I think is happening is the husbands are actually going through something themselves and are trying to pick a fight, which I simply resist. It's like a type of manipulation or passive agressive behavior. Whatever it is, i'd love it to stop.
 
#42 ·
It's a typical abuser standby: Accuse YOU of being an ass so that you become defensive and try to do whatever it takes to make them stop being 'disappointed' in you.

In other words, it gives them all the power.

That is, IF you react to it.

The best solution? Laugh at them.

"Oh really? You think I have an attitude? You must not have SEEN me with an attitude before, if you think this is an attitude. Good luck to you then..."
 
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