Just confessed my feelings to my best friend
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Old 08-18-2011, 06:54 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Just confessed my feelings to my best friend

Long story short, I confessed my true feelings to my best friend a couple days ago. I have known her for almost 7 years, but have never lived in the same city. We've always had a more than just friend type connection, but our circumstances never really allowed us to pursue it.

I recently visited her and she was telling me about her ex that had full intentions to marry her. She wants to get married within several years and he seems like a great guy so she was undergoing the dilemma of whether or not to give him the chance and work things out. At the time, I believed the right thing to do was to convince her to give him the chance so that's what I did.

During the couple weeks I was back home, it was killing me to think that I'd lose the one person that truly matters to me to another person. I thought long and hard during that time and I realized that she was the one that I wanted and needed to spend the rest of my life with.

It's a little sad that I kind of missed my timing and took a little bit of jealousy to see past our friendship, but I finally mustered up the courage and told her how I really felt. Unfortunately, we weren't exactly on the same page. After all, I had just convinced her to give another guy a chance. Anyhow, at this point she's really confused. I guess she's weighing the two of us. I know it was a bad move on my part to get in between like this right now, but I knew that I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't.

I told her that whatever she decided I am with her and if she decides that I am not the one, I promised to never think of her as I do now but always be there for her as her friend. I intend to keep this promise.

I've been trying to think of ways to make her feel more comfortable in the off chance that she decides that I'm not her one. I've been thinking about telling her that this was all a test for her to be able to see if she truly wanted to marry her ex. If she were to ask "what if I chose you?", I'd jokingly tell her that we would have just gotten married. She's honestly not stupid enough to believe this story, but if she did, would she feel like I messed with her head and be angry? Or do you think she'd be more pleased that I helped her (in a twisted way) realize that she really wanted to be with this guy?
Getting over her will be difficult for me, but because I put this burden on her I want to be able to take it away from her as fast as I can.
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Old 08-18-2011, 08:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confessed my feelings to my best friend

maybe i'm blowing smoke, and it depends on the relationship that you two share, but i don't think it would be wise to lie and say you were "testing" her. if she's interested it could blow your chance. unfortunetly the cat's out the bag now. if she doesn't feel the same way, then just do your best to stick to your promise. it may take a while, but eventually things will get back to normal, especially if you're not making her feel awkward bc of what you said. good luck!
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Old 08-20-2011, 12:02 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confessed my feelings to my best friend

Steve... you just confessed your feelings for a woman, and you're trying to find ways to back out of it?
You made the choice and rolled the dice. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. You are both adults, and can find a way to maintain a friendship if that's how it ends up.
I can honestly tell you that the best thing you could have done was lay it on the line. I was in love with my best friend, a few years ago, but couldn't find the courage to make that move. Six years later- I am married, with a kid- he decides to confess that he was in love with me. Mind you, we were best friends throughout this whole time, I talked to him about EVERYTHING. It created unnecessary doubt and resentment in my relationship with my husband, and did nothing to enhance our friendship. If he had just had the courage to speak, or if I had, all those years ago it may have worked out very differently.
You did the manly thing, the hard part is over. Even if she doesn't choose you, you can say you gave it a shot and move on. If you are truly friends, you'll be able to work out the details later.
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Old 08-20-2011, 10:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Stevenham, there is no doubt in my mind that you don’t love the woman. You are not in love with her even though you’ve known her for a while. At the very least you are not in love with her enough to marry her. To be successful in marriage takes one heck of a lot of COMMITMENT. Ask anyone here about that.

By what you write here, your commitment level to the woman and therefore the marriage, is zero, zilch. It would never work.

Plus it's my opinion I think you would be a serious nuisance in her marriage to another man. Find your own woman, a woman you will be committed to and constant and persistent in your heart and mind for as many years as you can envision. It's usually until your eventual death "Till death us do part". Not the next 5 minutes as you seem to think it is.

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Old 08-20-2011, 05:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Stevenham, there is no doubt in my mind that you donít love the woman. You are not in love with her even though youíve known her for a while. At the very least you are not in love with her enough to marry her. To be successful in marriage takes one heck of a lot of COMMITMENT. Ask anyone here about that.

By what you write here, your commitment level to the woman and therefore the marriage, is zero, zilch. It would never work.

Plus it's my opinion I think you would be a serious nuisance in her marriage to another man. Find your own woman, a woman you will be committed to and constant and persistent in your heart and mind for as many years as you can envision. It's usually until your eventual death "Till death us do part". Not the next 5 minutes as you seem to think it is.

AFEH, you might be right. I understand that I might be valuing our friendship so much that it's skewing my perception. Commitment is not really something I lack. For me, I have already lived a life for myself and my selfish desires and I know what that path leads to. I have realized that the purpose of my life is to dedicate myself to my wife and children. As extreme and crazy that may sound, that is what would make me truly happy. For me, she was the one that helped me through the roughest time of my life. She is the reason that motivated and motivates me to want to be better person. She is the reason that gave me a goal in life. She is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with so that I can do anything and everything to make her happy because I know she would do the same for me. I have always hid myself behind a very thick wall and she was the first and only person to have ever brought me out. She somehow brings out all the good hidden within myself. We have the same family values and traditions (we're Korean) and the same career objectives. But most importantly, she makes me happy.
If that isn't love, then I honestly don't know what is.

I know I made it seem like I wasn't committed enough, but the only reason why I was thinking of an "exit strategy" was simply to make her feel more comfortable if she decides that I'm not her other half. It's not so that I can save face, but in hopes that she could continue her life without feeling bad. As much as I'd like to tell that I'd wait forever, I don't want to put that kind of pressure on her, especially if she's trying to work it out with someone else. To me, that just seems selfish and unfair. As hard as it is going to be for me to fully get over her, what else can I do if she decides that I'm not her other half? Do I just wait and hope for the best?

I am fully aware that I'd most likely be an interference if she marries another person, and she'd be one for my marriage as well. That is obviously something I don't want and I know that our friendship can never be as close as it is in the future. That was one of the reasons why I confessed to her before it was too late.
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Old 08-20-2011, 07:04 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I think you could talk around it ďforeverĒ.
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Old 08-20-2011, 07:21 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I think you could talk around it ďforeverĒ.
hrm?
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Old 08-21-2011, 07:54 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I donít get why you are poncing around so much, and I donít want to know. You either love her or you donít. You either ask her to marry you, or you donít.
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Old 08-22-2011, 09:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I think you were right to tell her how you feel. Then you won't have to wonder "What if?"

The only thing worse than knowing is not knowing.

The ball is in her court now.
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Old 08-22-2011, 10:39 AM   #10 (permalink)
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You did the right thing ! You were honest with yourself and her. No reason to cover.

~sammy
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Old 08-22-2011, 10:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just confessed my feelings to my best friend

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I know I made it seem like I wasn't committed enough, but the only reason why I was thinking of an "exit strategy" was simply to make her feel more comfortable if she decides that I'm not her other half. It's not so that I can save face, but in hopes that she could continue her life without feeling bad. As much as I'd like to tell that I'd wait forever, I don't want to put that kind of pressure on her, especially if she's trying to work it out with someone else. To me, that just seems selfish and unfair. As hard as it is going to be for me to fully get over her, what else can I do if she decides that I'm not her other half? Do I just wait and hope for the best?
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I donít get why you are poncing around so much, and I donít want to know. You either love her or you donít. You either ask her to marry you, or you donít.
I tend to agree with AFEH. I think that when you are letting someone know how you feel about them, you do it confidently and without an "exit strategy." No worries about whether reciprocates the same feeligns or not. Share yourself confidently. Most women like men who are confident with themselves.
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Old 08-22-2011, 11:11 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Yes. The woman has to believe deep inside of her at her very core that you ďlove her enoughĒ and that as well as conception youíll be there for her in childbirth, child rearing and in all her foibles, quirks, weird and strange ways when she loves and hates you both at the same time and in her illnesses, and in her sad and lonely times as well as her happy and content times. She has to know that in her times of weakness and need you will be there to protect her and provide her with comfort, love and security. Unless she believes in you, unless she gets those feelings, unless she KNOWS YOU ARE COMMITTED she will say no.

And you canít even ask her to marry you!
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Old 08-22-2011, 01:05 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I guess the "exit strategy" was a stupid idea. I just thought it might make her feel more comfortable if she rejected me.

She knows how I feel and my intentions. I've shown her how committed I can and will be over the years. I believe I love her enough, but I'll have to wait and see if she feels that is enough.

If she says no, should I just back off and let her live her life for a while and try and get over it? Or should I be persistent? Of course not persistent to the point that I'm making her feel very uncomfortable, but just letting her know that I'm here.
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Old 08-22-2011, 01:21 PM   #14 (permalink)
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If she says "No" then let her go to move on with her life.

I agree the "exit stragety" is a silly idea.

Again, you'v ealready told her how you feel. Ball is in her court.
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Old 08-22-2011, 01:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Jellybeans, she doesn’t have a marriage proposal to contemplate, to think over and give an answer to. Why? BECAUSE HE HASN’T ASKED HER TO MARRY HIM!

She probably wonders what on earth he’s on about.
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