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Old 11-22-2008, 10:24 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default wifes best friend is a man?

I need some advise from the femal site of view. little back ground - Me 39 wife 37 - married 19 years - 2 kids 14-18 both girls - As with any 19 year marriage there have been ups and downs but for the most part a good marriage. Wife started new job 2 years ago -
Situation - starting in May we were having problems with oldest daughter rebeling - Wife and I were at odds on what to do - In June I got a feeling that there was another person in my life. I am not sure what made me think this but I could tell my wife was at the least talking to another man. I will say that I have never done this before but I checked her cell phone records. She was texting and tallking to a married male co worker. For the month of May and June, there were text messages every morning on the way to work, lunch and on the way home. I am talking 8-20 texts each time. There werre several phone calls also. Now the 2 of them work on the same floor all day. I confronted her about it( i will admit I did not use a very good tack because I was angry). She proceeded to explain to me that she was using him as a councelor for our issues. She agreed that the amount of conversation was a bit much and asurred me that they were only friends. I expressed my concerns about how things like this can progress into something more. She said that they have talked about that and have no interest in each other. I will shorten up the the issues for July to now. The communications have not stopped or lessened. He, her and 2 other co workers went on an overnight stay for a meeting, she did not tell me he was going, i found out. when we talked she said she did not want to have a fight about it or did not want me to tell her she could not go. During hurricane Ike they had to evacuate together with all other co workers. while evacuated to her cousins facility there were several rumors about the 2 of them I was told. Some of the comments made"Are they dating" " if there is nothing going on between them there will be"- She blamed her cousin for rumors and said she wanted to break up our marriage. The lastest item is I was at an event. She was sending me cell phone pics of her in lingerie. I discovered later that at the exact minute I recieved pic she was sending him a picture. When we discussed she gave me 3 different stories- 1 i was forwarding joke 2 i was sending funny face pics 3 I was holding up the outfits for his advise on how to pose - she needed his support for courage to send me pics. when I said that the story does not add up because his pics should have went ouut before mine she said she does not remember exactly what the pictures where and I should be glad she sent them to me and stop beign so jealous. she said"I do not think of him as a man, he is one of the girls, he is like a brother" I do not know how much more I can stand. Is this relationship to much for a married women to have with a male firend?
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Old 11-22-2008, 10:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes best friend is a man?

Speaking from personal experience, I would tell het that she needs to discuss your marrage with you not another man. It doesn't take much for things to progress from just a friend to more than a friend.
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Old 11-22-2008, 10:54 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes best friend is a man?

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Speaking from personal experience, I would tell het that she needs to discuss your marrage with you not another man. It doesn't take much for things to progress from just a friend to more than a friend.
and for the records, she was using this guy as a confidant, not, as she claims, a "counselor." that dangerous.
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Old 11-22-2008, 12:53 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes best friend is a man?

texdude32-

One of the ways to tell what is really going on, is to look at the quality of your relationship with her, especially the sexual aspect. affairs are not causes, they are symptoms. Of course, once they start, they usually make things worse.

In many offices, there are men, who while they might not be openly gay, are indeed "one of the girls". Women confide in them, because they feel safe, and the guy seems almost "penis-less". I used to work in a company where such a guy existed - he sucked up to women big time, but never had girlfriend, nor did he sleep with any of the women there. If he had a boyfriend, he certainly kept it quiet...

He may well be one of these. If your wife is giving you plenty of sex, you probably have not to much to worry about. If however, she has been shutting you down of late, then watch out. However, if you keep complaining she will probably cut the sex down anyway. I believe in giving people plenty of rope.

For now, try to break out of the cycle of complaining until you have more info. Look at the causes - are you being loving enough? Are you a good listener? Women need these things, and if you don't provide it, someone else often steps into the gap. In some ways it can be just as bad if it's another woman - they can gang up on men as a species and run men down. A guy may (if he is not after anything), take your side to some extent.

Life is never as black and white as people like to kid themselves.
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Old 11-22-2008, 01:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes best friend is a man?

She needs to stop. This is how my husband fell into an emotional affair.
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Old 11-22-2008, 01:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
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marktwain - you make some good points - our sex life has not changed any and I feel I listen and give her enough attention. We where not having any issues before other than with our daughter. In the beginning of this I tried to be understanding but at what point to I stand up for myself and the way the relationship makes me feel. I dought his wife would want my wife sending her husband lingerie pictures. Do I ignore what I have felt in my gut for 6 months, that this is more than a guy friend? In 6 months they have never missed a day of communicatin except when we where in Mexico. I feel she likes have the attention of both of us. He is know has the office flirt. Within the last 6 months the having to work late and go in on Saturdays have increased. Although i do not think she has taken it to a physical level, I think she is addicted to his attention.
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Old 11-22-2008, 02:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes best friend is a man?

If you read my other posts, you will see I am very broad-minded. Too much so for some people. In my view you have two distinct things going on here, and you need to look at them separately.

1) She is indeed very friendly with a male, and enjoying very much being in his confidence.

2) It may or may not harm your relationship.

When I was younger (I am 42) I would have put my foot down. These days, I am more interested in what is actually going on, than what appears to be going on. Laying down the law may get you results, but she will feel thwarted, and you may pay the price later. So I would take a different tack. I would attempt to do two things simultaneously:

a) Become so laid-back about the guy, that she is able to talk to me about him - what she gets out of him etc.

b) Try to improve my loving and cherishing of her so that she does not need to go outside the marriage for support.

Above all, by giving her freedom, you also get to monitor the situation. If their liaison crosses an obvious line in the sand, you will seem quite justified in putting your foot down.
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Old 11-22-2008, 03:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes best friend is a man?

mark
I understand what you are saying
I have been understanding of the realationship adn tolerant and here is what i have gotten
rumers from 4 differnet people that it is obvious they have something going on
sending him lingerie pictures

i seems the realatioship has been escalating

What would you suggest the line in the sand be?
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Old 11-22-2008, 04:03 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife with male best friend

You need to become the man she is talking to. Find out why she likes him more and be more like him. Of course it's too much for her to do. And it's at least partly your fault.
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Old 11-22-2008, 08:11 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes best friend is a man?

It sounds like she has already crossed the line and might be having an Emotional Affair. HOWEVER, it is just as wrong to accuse without proof. Some companies may allow you (if you pay the bill) to get records of the texts. Maybe if she leaves it behind going to the store there is information you might find on your computer too. But er to caution, if you snoop, and there is nothing there and she finds out she will rightfully feel betrayed.

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Old 11-23-2008, 04:23 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife with male best friend

Regardless of who's at fault, she needs to stop this.

I've read this thread in another area. She's sending pix of sexy outfits to TOM. This should never happen. Period. If she wanted an opinion, she would normally be asking a girl. The only reason a man is asked is to entice, or encourage attention from him.

Demand that she get a new job at another company, if she won't, tell her you're filing papers. You need to shake her up and break it off with TOM.

Then get counseling. And communicate with each other. She's not getting something "at home" but is from this other person. Find out what.
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Old 11-23-2008, 05:00 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: wifes best friend is a man?

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Originally Posted by texdude32 View Post
What would you suggest the line in the sand be?
In life, you have to decide what result you want, before you look at the means. As we say in the UK, she is clearly "bang out of order", but that does not mean you should whine at her - you have already expressed your discomfort.

If it were me, the result I would focus on would be a healthy happy marriage. If things seemed to get better and better despite her involvement with him, I would leave it be, but watch, and take notes. I would not spy, but I would not close my eyes either.

So my line in the sand would be her treatment of me - especially emotional and sexual. If this guy caused her to take from me, to give to him, I would put my foot down in 30 seconds.

However, behind all that I would have a master plan - I am very devious, (but in a good way ). I would be working on a plan to get rid of him, simply because he sounds like a jerk - pity his poor wife! Firstly, I would be working my butt of to try and find out where I had let her down - in either the present or the past - so that I could modify my behaviour to be a better husband. I would hit the gym, lose weight, and sharpen up my looks. Wearing black, and sporting designer stubble works well for me.

As a last resort, I would start getting socially acquainted with his wife. I warn you, this is a last resort. It could backfire real bad, real bad. But think about it. This man likes everything to go one way. If he were to find out you were on speaking terms with his wife - all innocent of course - he might decide to cool it with your wife, for fear of the truth coming out! Those pictures she sent him would play on his mind etc...

You could however, start doing your research right away. Find out about his relationship with his wife, but don't be obvious...YET.

If you are not capable of extreme subtly, forget about my last 3 paragraphs! But remember, focus on the result you want, in say 12 months time, not on the stupid little details. Be proactive! Imagine in your minds eye the kind of marriage you want, and start right away with your end of the bargain - be the perfect husband. I am convinced you have neglected her in some way, so fix that right now.

One last thing... those rumours might be rubbish. People love to gossip. She is clearly flirting, but they may not have touched each other yet.

Last edited by MarkTwain; 11-23-2008 at 05:06 AM.
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Old 11-23-2008, 08:28 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Regardless of who's at fault, she needs to stop this.

I've read this thread in another area. She's sending pix of sexy outfits to TOM. This should never happen. Period. If she wanted an opinion, she would normally be asking a girl. The only reason a man is asked is to entice, or encourage attention from him.

Demand that she get a new job at another company, if she won't, tell her you're filing papers. You need to shake her up and break it off with TOM.

Then get counseling. And communicate with each other. She's not getting something "at home" but is from this other person. Find out what.
maybe she could be coerced into talking about this to her human resources department head if she thinks there is nothing wrong with what she is doing.

i'd bet that there interpretation would be somewhat different than hers.
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Old 11-24-2008, 02:34 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Texdude,

I have several females that are good friends, Almost like sisters. I do think of them like sisters, even if we joke around flirting.

My wife has met all my female friends and she is comfortable with them, because I show her any messages or e-mails sent.

like...Hey anne, look what Diane sent me.....

If I were you, I would try and meet this man. Say to your wife...Hey honey how about we all go out for drinks and Dinner? See what she says, if she has nothing to hide then she will be up for it. If she refuses to go to dinner and drinks with the guy and you, then I suspect more.

I hope when your wife sent you the pics, you had a positive reaction when she sent them to you, LIke Oh yea baby send me some more.

She may be looking for that spark again.
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Old 11-24-2008, 09:13 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Yes I had a positive reaction. In fact I did not find out she sent to him until 4weeks later -- she has invited him several times to meet us when we are going out, but he always declines. She says " he would feel weird just us 3 being out because his wife does not like to go out" The last company function where every one meet out at bar he did not go there either.
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