tnt20years

I recently found out that one of my best friends has been secretively talking to my husband about our relationship problems for several years!!! My husband evidently has been upset with her for a few months and she rarely comes around anymore and rarely calls anymore. But I was recently at a friends house a couple of weeks ago and she told me something that he had told her. When I questioned how she knew this, she informed me that he used to talk to her, but he doesn't anymore???

When I questioned my husband about what she said, he said she was just being a trouble maker and she wasn't a friend!!! When I asked him why he talked to her about our problems he told me that she was his friend too. I explained that this was against relationship rules. You can talk to your relatives or your buddies but talking to a female friend about your marriage problems is against the rules, am I right??? I definitely think that she should have know this also. Here I am telling her my problems while unbeknown to me she is turning around and talking to my husband about what I said!!! I have to wonder what her motive was here!!!

I have been wanting to quiz her more on this, but I'm not sure how to approach it. Or should I just let the friendship die? We live in a small community and are paths are bound to cross many times, so I'm sure we will have to see her from time to time.

What would you do?

cao428

Personally, I think you should bring it up with her...don't hold it in or it will eat you. She is supposed to be your friend so just ask her to explain what you've learned in a non-judgemental/non-attacking nuetral way and give her a chance to answer. Then you can make your judgements based on how she answers...but do it in person, and not on the phone, so you can take in her body language.

Then you will know your answer as to if she is a true friend or a cheat and decide what to do from there.

draconis

I don't see the fact that they are friends as an issue but what they discuss is.

draconis

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Amplexor

There is nothing wrong with a husband speaking with a female friend about marital issues or visa versa. It can provide them with the opposite sexes perspective. That is was secretive is the issues. Also that the friend was playing both sides of the fence is suspect. Sounds like your husband found this to be true and has severed his ties. I suggest you do the same. Time for you and hubby to address the issues together.

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Amp

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blind

I have been in this situation. My STBX was talking with my best friend for several hours a week. When I learned of this I was very hurt and concerned that there was something more going on. They too were secretive about it. My best friend's wife discovered this and that is what brought it to light. I confronted both my wife and friend about how this made me feel and the concerns I had. Fortunatley for me, both understood and the communication stopped. He and I are still best friends. Because he was truly my friend he valued our friendship enough to respect my wishes. I agree you should confront your friend about this and your husband. Otherwise you risk resentment setting in which is so very destructive to both friendships and marriages.

In the end, I lost my wife (for reasons unrelated) but saved a valuable friendship with someone who has been a great asset to me as I journey through separation/divorce.

humpty dumpty

I find the whole thing crazy and hurtful !!! why would your friend want to disscuss your relationship and why didnt she tell you ? id have to bring it up with her its destructive to both friendship and marriage

goodintent65

I have been "that friend" and let me tell you, it's no fun. The wife in my situation is one of those women that downplays her husbands behavior the entire time I have known her. He would say inappropriate things to other women, and all she would say is, "Oh he is all talk". She would tell me that I was the only one of her friends that her husband liked, herego he would never give her issues when she wanted to spend time with me. Yes, she did vent to me about their troubles and then one day out of the blue, he called me to ask my advice because I knew his wife better than anyone. He had no other male friends that he felt comfortable with, and no family members that he wanted to air his dirty laundry to. I was safe.

I tried for a couple of month to get her to care as I saw his pain in his inability to make his wife understand that he used his mouth for attention....granted, it was negative attention but it was still her attention he wanted. She just laughed it off. In knowing what she complained about, I tried to get him to change those things that were changeable hoping it would rekindle their relationship. A few months of me trying to be both of their friends here, and what happens? He hits on ME! Should I have seen it coming? Perhaps......but to answer your question.......................maybe if the wife were more approachable, willing to communicate and make him feel safe to talk to her.....maybe, just MAYBE he wouldn't attempt to go elsewhere for "advice".

and no...............I did not reciprocate his advances.

GAsoccerman

with goodintent I think the friend was just being a friend and trying to help out and got caught int eh middle of trying to be both your friend.

this issue is between you and your hubby and try to work it out, and you need to air out whatt he issue was.

Goodintent, not all us guys are like that, I have plenty of female friends that I can talk to and I never made any advances, maybe a hug or a kiss on the cheek (hello/goodbye) but that is it. I imagine he jjust got emotionally tied to you and "blurred" the lines I imagine he feels guilty about what he did and feels bad he hurt you. Kudo's to you for rejecting him.