Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?
I need a woman's perpective. I have been sharing frustartions over the past month pertaining to my marriage. As of now, things are going really well, except for the sex part. Yeah-yeah I know. Every man complains about lack of sex. Well, not really. There has been several factors that have contributed to the sex issue. Over the course of our relationship (15 yrs) we have had our ups and down like anyone else. I have noticed a "shift" in my wifes behavior for the good. She had an affair about 2 years ago. It lasted 1 full year. That is over. At that time I know my wife was very interested in sex (with the other guy). She has never came back and been interested much in me at all. This past Thanksgiving weekend we (wife and kids) went out of town and stayed in a hotel for 2 days. Her sister was back close to town so we went to visit her. My wife set everything up, got separate rooms. So, naturally I was thinking we would have some "alone time". Well our rooms were not next to eachothers. The 2 rooms were about 10 rooms apart. When we found out, the kids were all for having their own room. Our kids are 14 and 11. I was ok with it. My wife was not. Ok. Wife then said (her idea) "well we can have our fun and then sleep in separate rooms". So, naturally i was thinking she might be into some romance. Well, that never happened. We had some short alone time together. I just put my hand on her leg and she told me to "be good". So, I quit when she removed my hand. So, no romantic weekend at all. Well we get home. I made some opportunistic remarks about the situation and she gets defensive. She tells me she needs to go to the doctor because she has no sex drive. She has been saying it for over a year now. She won't go. Last night we had sex and it was not good. She complained that I did not find her spot and when I did I would do something to lose it. I often tell her to relax and I will "please her". Well, we eventually got her taken care of. I get excited when she does. So, naturally when I get ready to climax she tells me to "shut up" I will wake the kids. I was not loud. It was just very routine. That's what our sex life is "routinely boring". I hate it. I have tried the 5 love language thing, I am romantic. Getaways, flowers, foot rubs.....blah! I help around the house. I am a good looking guy (so they tell me) ha ha. So, I personally don't see what the problem is. My question is.....What the hell am I doing? I asked her if she felt like sex was more of a job...She said, "not at all" and I should not say those things. I have not felt like my wife has been attracted to me for at least 3 years. I just thought she was losing her drive because of some health issues. Until, she had a sexual affair with another guy. An un-attractive one at that. I am over that, but it does make me wonder "why?" What should I do. Should I just let it continue this way. Not initiating sex and see if she comes around? Should I intiate and let her tell me "quit" 99% of the time. I am not content with just being friends. As I said, it has been long enough. I have been very understanding, supportive and patient. I think it is working, but it is hard not to have some sort of expectations. I want romance. When I try, I get shot down...constantly. When I don't try, I get "what's wrong?"
I don't need sex 4-5 times a week. I would like that don't get me wrong. I would just like my wife to desire me and enjoy being with me sexually. And I don't get that. What do I do?