Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?
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Old 12-01-2008, 09:37 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?

Hi,
I need a woman's perpective. I have been sharing frustartions over the past month pertaining to my marriage. As of now, things are going really well, except for the sex part. Yeah-yeah I know. Every man complains about lack of sex. Well, not really. There has been several factors that have contributed to the sex issue. Over the course of our relationship (15 yrs) we have had our ups and down like anyone else. I have noticed a "shift" in my wifes behavior for the good. She had an affair about 2 years ago. It lasted 1 full year. That is over. At that time I know my wife was very interested in sex (with the other guy). She has never came back and been interested much in me at all. This past Thanksgiving weekend we (wife and kids) went out of town and stayed in a hotel for 2 days. Her sister was back close to town so we went to visit her. My wife set everything up, got separate rooms. So, naturally I was thinking we would have some "alone time". Well our rooms were not next to eachothers. The 2 rooms were about 10 rooms apart. When we found out, the kids were all for having their own room. Our kids are 14 and 11. I was ok with it. My wife was not. Ok. Wife then said (her idea) "well we can have our fun and then sleep in separate rooms". So, naturally i was thinking she might be into some romance. Well, that never happened. We had some short alone time together. I just put my hand on her leg and she told me to "be good". So, I quit when she removed my hand. So, no romantic weekend at all. Well we get home. I made some opportunistic remarks about the situation and she gets defensive. She tells me she needs to go to the doctor because she has no sex drive. She has been saying it for over a year now. She won't go. Last night we had sex and it was not good. She complained that I did not find her spot and when I did I would do something to lose it. I often tell her to relax and I will "please her". Well, we eventually got her taken care of. I get excited when she does. So, naturally when I get ready to climax she tells me to "shut up" I will wake the kids. I was not loud. It was just very routine. That's what our sex life is "routinely boring". I hate it. I have tried the 5 love language thing, I am romantic. Getaways, flowers, foot rubs.....blah! I help around the house. I am a good looking guy (so they tell me) ha ha. So, I personally don't see what the problem is. My question is.....What the hell am I doing? I asked her if she felt like sex was more of a job...She said, "not at all" and I should not say those things. I have not felt like my wife has been attracted to me for at least 3 years. I just thought she was losing her drive because of some health issues. Until, she had a sexual affair with another guy. An un-attractive one at that. I am over that, but it does make me wonder "why?" What should I do. Should I just let it continue this way. Not initiating sex and see if she comes around? Should I intiate and let her tell me "quit" 99% of the time. I am not content with just being friends. As I said, it has been long enough. I have been very understanding, supportive and patient. I think it is working, but it is hard not to have some sort of expectations. I want romance. When I try, I get shot down...constantly. When I don't try, I get "what's wrong?"
I don't need sex 4-5 times a week. I would like that don't get me wrong. I would just like my wife to desire me and enjoy being with me sexually. And I don't get that. What do I do?
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Old 12-01-2008, 10:52 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?

I'm not a female, but it seems to me you are "too available" for her. She has the luxury of being able to pick and choose everything on her terms.

If you were no longer so available, and started working on YOURSELF a bit, I think you would be happier. Focus on your OWN hobbies and your own friends, and find a life outside of your wife.

If you do that enough, eventually she'll start to realize that you are your own person, and that she is actually going to have to make an EFFORT.
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Old 12-01-2008, 11:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?

That's just it. I do all that stuff. That's why i am frustrated. I do alot of things. She does nothing. When i am not available she will come talk. She just does not seem interested in sexwith me. She's interested in all but that.
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Old 12-01-2008, 11:53 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?

well last time i checked i was a woman. i dont think your expectations are too high.
not that i know you, but im surprised that most ppl would want to continue in a relationship where a spouse had a year long sexual affair.
i know i wouldnt put up with it.
bad enough my first H did it. but i got rid of him.his last affair and the one i found out about was for the last 6 months of our marriage.
what gets on my nerves, is we had unprotected sex and he was sleeping around. i just think thats disgusting to do that to an innocent victim.
and second H , had the one night stand in april. kept him for the moment.
and blokes tell me im attractive yet my H strayed.
but then i dont think its to do with looks.i dont think your wife appreciates you , but as you keep taking her back, she enjoys the control and i bet your a good provider.
the grass wasnt totally green for her but the affair to have lasted a year, he was something good for that year.
but you took her back.
i think you nee to do the reverse psychology here.
dont pay her attention , dont send flowers, dont initiate n e thing.
go out and buy a shirt or something. make sure she sees the bag , but dont let her look.
if she asks whats in the bag - dont tell her, say your going (and yep go out with some mates) out.
do things in a quick order, not buy the shirt on a monday and go out on a friday.
get the shirt on the friday and go out on the friday. in one swift move, you have given yourself a boost in confidence that she lacks for you, so you have to do it yourself. be your own booster.
make sure you put on good aftershave .
i promise her head wil soon turn as to what she could lose, if she doesnt make the effort.
trust me . well this is what i do and 99% of the item it worked.
dont think this is a quick solution , its a process that you have to build on and i agree with chopblock.
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Old 12-01-2008, 12:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?

I think both of you are right to an extent. Here's the catch. Most of her friends say things to her about me. "He's hot" and all that stuff. I don't know if it makes her proud or jealous. I don't think she is jealous. One time we went to a concert with her friends....FUN_FUN! ha. and she wanted me to take my shirt off so her friends would be impressed. i told her no thanks and that i did not need to take my shirt off to impress anyone. It's ok for her..like I am a trophy or something, but when we get home it;s gone. She's not mean (all the time). I love this woman and she is the mother of my children. I know she appreciates me, but she is not into me sexually. She has a friend that really digs me and is unhappy with her marraige. We flrt with each other alot and it does not seem to bother my wife. I am a straight shooter. I don't like games. I don't want to hide anything from her and go out to prove a point. She has went through my cell phone at times to check on me. I just let her do it because there is nothing to hide. Maybe I should act like I have something to hide. I see your point. It's just not my style. But, on the other hand maybe it will be fun. Lord knows i am freakin bored!
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Old 12-01-2008, 01:10 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?

its not meant to be fun as your actions could hurt when they dont need to.
im simply saying a little reverse psychology wont hurt.
but at the same time , you space is ok.
you say you dont play games - yet you also say flirt alot with this other woman (my opinion only here) but thats playing games.
some flirting is fine - but alot means alot.
as for the checking on you - that means she has her doubts and yes she does get jealous.
she just does it in another way.
like when she asks you to take your top off - she is checking you out in a way. by doing that she pushes for your reaction, finding out what you would do.
seeing how far you wil go.
she is doing her own bit of psychology and you dont see that.
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Old 12-01-2008, 02:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?

I don't flirt with all women. Her friend is married, so everything is very safe. I don't do it to play games. Its just kind of fun. She'll say something and then I will. That's it. I guess I am just lost. I have done everything but throw in the towel..I obviously don't want to do that. I am the type of person that once I give up or stop trying i am done. Too late. I am trying to avoid that. I love the woman. I just wish she wanted me like she used to..that's all. Maybe I am wasting my time. If I have done everything, but........? That's all that is left.
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Old 12-01-2008, 02:08 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?

it sounds like you've doen everything you can. i would think after having the affair it would be her that needs to be trying so hard. to me, it sounds like she just isnt attracted to you.
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Old 12-01-2008, 02:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?

That's what I think also, but when that has come up in conversation. She tells me that is ridiculous. I say actions speak louder than words. I think I work too hard at it. She probably does not deserve my best. Who knows maybe she laughs at me. I give a back rub just because. I don't get them. I have to ask. Outside of cooking for me, I don't get much else without fighting for it. The relationship is one-sided. The bad thing is, if you were to ask her she would say she is giving her best. I know what the answer is. I think we are better off friends. As soon as I feel things are getting better on my end things end up like this. If we quit having sex maybe it will change. I think I will watch 40 days and 40 nights for inspiration.. lol!
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Old 12-02-2008, 02:43 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?

as it sounds one sided. then it becomes more sad because she isnt acknowledgin how she makes you feel in the relationship and of course you should count .
im in agreeance with you, if you love someone unconditionally , you shouldnt have to ask for affection, you shouldnt have to ask for a back rub.
i'll watch 40 days also and think of you LOL.
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Old 12-02-2008, 08:30 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?

Last night an oppurtunity presented itself. I asked her if it made her uncomfortable when I showed affection to her. Specifically, butt grab or leg rub. She said no. I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. I then asked if it made her feel uncomfortable when i intitated sex. She said no. I opened up and told her sex was very important to me and I thought our sex life was not good at all. She said she thought it could be better. I asked her what she thought would make it better. Her answere was she thought she needed a hormone boost. I then asked "hormones will make you be more attracted to me?" I said, ok. I don't see it that way. She has had a history of surgical procedures (partial historrechtomy) that may attribute to that. But, the way I see it is....this is the same woman who found someone the exact opposite of me very attractive sexuallly. She has stated that she had the affair because it made her feel better about herself and that she had never felt good enough for me. I have made a vowe to not contribute to making her feel that way. However, what about me? That;s whre I am at. I set the table last night. I am going to try very hard to go about my business and not come on to her sexually at all. Justean has given solid advice. All i can say is...my self esteem had to be at an all time low when the affair happened. Otherwise i would have jumped ship. I think this can work. If it were not for poor sex our relationship would be almost perfect. Any more advice out there?
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Old 12-03-2008, 10:21 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?

New here...you sound like my husband...a basically all around great guy. What about respect? Does she respect you? Does she like you...I mean really like you? Love is easy for a woman and can be based on many things that will keep the bond tied...but like and respect are harder to keep.
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Old 12-03-2008, 10:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?

I love my husband, but I'm no longer "in love" with him. I won't go into the details but he hurt me and my daughter deeply a year ago ( we've been together 15 years, married 14 and were friends three years prior to dating) I stay because I made a promise to. But it's not the same. There was no affair on either side...but what he did stole my respect for him as a husband and now...sex with him holds very little interest for me. I'm 44 and in my personal prime...but I can't fake intimacy...I can do sex but it's not what he wants...he wants sex with intimacy. I submit...that's the part he hates but will take it anyway because he needs sex. I don't know how to really explain it but I can't deliver all of me without him earning my respect back...dong gone it all anyway!
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Old 12-04-2008, 09:11 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I wasting my time or Are my expectations too high?

That's just it. I don't know. She has told me that about 4 years ago it all started. She told me she has never felt good enough for me. She did not feel like I really loved her. She has called me too nice before. She will not kiss me intimately anymore. I don't feel like she loves me that way. I have addressed it and she says that she wants we in ALL ways and that her affair was her fault, but she did not know why it happened. Now, she tells me how wonderful I am and that she wants me in every way, but her actions are different. She tells me she needs hormone replacement to be sexual. That does not really make me feel any better. So, if I do all the right things and she loves me and I am wonderful. WTF!
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