Am i being an idiot? Is my husband mamma's boy?
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Old 09-08-2011, 07:45 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Am i being an idiot? Is my husband mamma's boy?

My husband's parents are dependant on him. He has a sister who is not financially helping in anyway. I just find myself stuck. They live in India and we live in UK. He send monthly money for paying house rent and expenditure and then he funds them for one-off expense lying flying to UK, doing their 60th wedding anniversary. I dont mind sending money monthly but i feel there should be a shared responsibility between son and daughter. when i question he says to me that, according to their culture a man has to do everything and he has to continue doing so.

But when it comes to me, he says i have to share the bills etc. Fine by me but i dont send any money to my parents and whatever is left of my salary goes in savings. i really find it very stressful as he doesnt make any savings. he has got a huge educational loan to pay.

i dont know if i should get divorced. I have lived with him for seven years. i personally feel that expenditure for his parents should be shared including monthly and one-off's. in that way whatever is left can go in to savings.

I feel frustrated with the fact that, i make savings and then i end up putting a huge amount of money for either house deposit or household items etc. for any emergency he seems to be using credit card.

Can somebody advice?
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Old 09-08-2011, 04:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am i being an idiot? Is my husband mamma's boy?

It's a cultural thing. In his culture, the sons are the parents' retirement system. The daughters become part of their husbands' families. You should have known this before going into a marriage. He should have told you. Your sister-in-law, if married, will be responsible for her in-laws. A lot of cultures work this way. You would not, in his culture, be supporting and caring for your parents--you'd be taking care of his.
You're going to have to work this one out between the two of you and maybe a financial planner. This requires a budget that specifies exactly how much goes to them, when, and so on. You'll need extra for their emergencies as well as any you have. You need a written definition of what an emergency is, or a very clear verbal definition (is we can't pay the rent because we gave the rent money to a relative for a wedding an emergency? what about we gave it to the relative because he had to pay the doctor?). Then he needs to convey what emergency means to them. You can show your husband you understand the cultural issue and want to be supportive by insisting that he gets extra life insurance in order to be certain they're provided for if something happens to him. (Your insurance agent will be floored, but my husband was pretty pleased that I'd thought of it.)
It's tough being expected to support or contribute to the support of adults who ought to be capable of supporting themselves, or have saved for their old age, but that's the expectation some of us with intercultural marriages have to live with. Is it worth it to you to stay with him, given that this is not going to change, their health is going to deteriorate, and the demands on your husband will inevitably increase? I can't say.
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Old 09-08-2011, 05:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am i being an idiot? Is my husband mamma's boy?

I know many people from India, and they ARE all like that. Before you decide to leave him, tell him that you must come up with an equitable budget that works for BOTH of you. If he refuses, you have your answer.
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