We have been married for about 7 years. He is a very good person. Hard working, polite to my family and friends, responsible, well spoken, and overall a very attractive man. Sounds great so far.
I married him because I noticed how loving he was with his parents and his family, and I was hoping that he would love me just as much, including my family. I was looking for a man that is responsible, does not drink, does not have bad habbits, etc.
When we started living together, I noticed that he spends a lot of time on the phone with his family. I mean 2 hours every evening, if not more. I would always wonder, what is there to talk about for soooo long. I call my mother almost every night to check up on her but our conversation lasts about 5-10 min.
I normally cannot wait to see him after work. I look forward to spending time with him, hugging him, eating dinner with him. And this is what happens almost every night. He comes home, tells me he is too tired to talk to me, starts watching TV and then gets on the phone with his sister or parents for 2 hours. Normally -sister. So, I asked him, how is it that he is too tired to talk to me but not too tired to talk to her. He gets upset every time and says that I do not want him to talk to his family. And that is not the case. I just feel that he puts them in front of me every single time. If he would just spend some time with me, I would not have any issues that he talks to them. It sure beats him going to bars or anything like that. I tried to explain it to him and it makes him mad every single time. When it comes to sex, same thing happens. He is too tired, or he ate too much, his stomach hurts, or he is just mad because I was just saying things about his family. Most of his family lives in Mexico. When it comes to vacations, he feels that if I do not have enough vacation, then I spend whatever vacation with him but then he stays, and I have to leave. If I have no vacation, he is off to Mexico. He left me for Christmas and New years all alone last year. He explains that he wants to see his family. I understand that, however, I also feel that husband and wife should plan vacations together. His family comes up to US about 2-3 times a year. It is not like he does not see them at all.
Once in a while I have to travel for work. I have to drive or fly to another state and stay there for 2-4 days. I have noticed that he will not call and check up on me. 2 days can go by and he will not call to make sure that I have made it there. My friends will call but not my husband. When I brought it up to his attention, he said that I should call and notify him that I got there. He also does not call me during the day just to say hi. I see that my friends call their husbands or vice versa, text them or email them just to let them know how much they miss them. I want that. I need that but my husband does not understand that. He says he is too busy to do that. Too busy? It only takes 10 sesonds to text someone and let them them know you are thinking about them.
Am I asking too much? I honestly do not think I am. I just want some attention from him, some love. I feel that due to lack of attention from him, it has made me a jealous person. I think anything would make me jealous right now, even a telephone pole. When I think back about my prior relationships, I was never that jealous of a person, because other men made me feel loved.
Make the long story short, we separated. We have been apart for about a month. I called him and told him that I miss him, and he told me that the only way he will consider going back to me is if I change. He basically wants to do whatever he wants and whenever he wants. It seems as if he wants to lead a lifestyle of a single person without any consideration for another. I tried to explain to him that the only thing I need from him is some sort of attention. He stated that he can work on that. How can you teach someone to love? I feel like he is going to have to force himself to be something he is not. I feel that if you love someone, those things come neturally. Are some people really that cold?
I do not know what to do? I do not know if I should give it another shot. I am so drained from all this. I do love him, however, I feel that relationships should not be that much work, especially if love is there.
You should change? That is not good advice. It sounds from your side of the story that you are willing to compromise and he is not. I think that gives you your answer. I could not imagine leaving my wife alone on the holidays. That is un-acceptable. I would move on. You are not important to him. Life is too short for this type of treatment, people deserve better.
well i can kind of relate to your H. i am very close to my family. especially in the beginning of my relationship, my family came first. I talk to my siblings for hours, too. I'd rather talk to them then my H.
but i would never leave my H during the holidays. that is very, very inconsiderate on your H's part. I dated a mexican once. His loyalty was to his family first, too. from what i understand, its a very strong cultural thing.
i think you need to tell him, very bluntly, that he has to chose you or his family. and let him know exactly what that means. no leaving you during the holidays, he doesnt stay with the fam while you go back to work, those kind of things. if its really important to you, now is the time to be very blunt about what you need so he can make the decision on if he wants to be married to you or his family.
and to answer your quesiton, ya, i think marriage is all about teaching each other how to love.
I don't know if I would ask him to choose between his family or you. I think that is a bit unfair. However, it would be great to establish some boundaries. I too am very close to my family and my husband was not close with his family. He could not understand why I talked to my mom every evening or why they came to visit on Saturdays. When we got into counseling, I finally saw how much this was hurting him. I set boundaries with my parents and now they are much more respectful of my time and my husband is happy to have the evenings with just me.
I don't think there is any one solution that will be perfect, but rather a combination of things. Boundaries with his family, but he has to set those boundaries not you. Together on holidays should be a given and those are all choices that he must make. Both of you will have to make changes. Have you considered counseling while you are separated?
Wow, 7 years and you are just now reaching a point where you are going to ask him to change?
I take care of this right off the bat, the first couple of years in any of my past long term relationships where rocky because of my imposing expectations on my Wife and bending to hers. A painful time of adjustment, sacrifice and compromise.
The closeness, interpersonal dynamic between your husband of 7 years and his family has existed for the better part if not all of his life. You would be better able to change the way he eats or signs his name than how he interacts with his family, especially if the are "oddly" close.
My Wife warned me about her families "closeness" how they do everything together and have to get together every Sunday.
I used to stay home a lot by myself on Sundays because I'm a huge football fan and it's my religion.
I, on the other hand have to be reminded by my Wife to call and check on my folks at least once a month, and they live 10 min. away from our house. I love my folks with all my heart but we are all busy, social bugs, always have been. My Mom has her friends, my Dad his and I my family (house hold) I mean.
With some people more than others, you marry the family along with the person, a package deal that can get annoying at times.
7 years is a long time to invest in an individual but a life time is longer, too long to spend in constant unresolvable drama.
Thanks so much. Many people keep telling me the same thing. That I am willing to do whatever, and he is not. I guess, it takes two. So hard though to realize that you love someone more then he loves you.
I am definately considering counseling, and so is he. I hope it will help, however, the funny thing is, I have never met anyone who actually went to councelling and stayed in marriage afterwards. I was told it works for few month and then everything goes back to same? Is that correct?
I was told it works for few month and then everything goes back to same? Is that correct?
That is the impression i have of counseling, especially marriage counseling. There are some really good counselors, though. my H has a great one. he's had a lot of progress. but we go to individual counseling. i dont think id ever do marriage counseling.
i think too many people rely solely on the counseling and dont put in their own work. they expect the counselor to fix their problems. talking to a person, once a week, for maybe an hour (at the most) is just not going to cut it. in my opinion. i use counseling as a way to say whatever i want so i know what is really bothering me, and then i use multiple other resources, like forums, to help me. I also do an insane amount of research on whatever the problem is. I read everything I can and try to understand it from different angles. Plus I talk to my older sisters who have been married 10+ years.
Counseling is good. but its just one small piece in the puzzle.