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Old 09-11-2011, 07:06 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexual past constantly bothers my husband...getting worse! please help

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Originally Posted by Hush View Post
and that post was a little embellished... he doesnt beg.. I like naughty things.. and so does he..
I guess I don't know what naughty is but that is ok, if you want to keep that unclear it is not so important.

What really pertains is whether or not you disclosed "enough" information to him up front. That is vague. It sounds like you told him a number and he was ok with the number. But later learned about the type of the relationship and was a bit disenchanted. So he should have asked that up front.

But then you elude to you fearing he would be "disappointed" if he knew details, names and events.

Well most folks don't want to know details. Some may want to know specific things.

Names are usually pretty important to know. It is good to know for example your wife did not have sex with her current boss or that she is not friended on facebook to her past lovers. Or that she has not had sex with Snoop.

Events? Maybe you mean threesomes, groups, same sex, or who knows what. He should want to know about rape for example. Or past abuse. Doing the whole Ohio State band and so on. I am embellishing here. Some of this is fair game. Many folks will say it is all in the past and not his business. My take is that if it matters to him, he needs to state that up front.

You did not state how the fact that he was smaller than someone else came up. It matters how that went down. Still unclear.

Also in your first thread you say "We are both very open minded sexually and are looking to expand our sexuality not only with each other, but as individuals, which I am comfortable with."

That suggests to me that you have been discussing an open marriage. If this was the context of the discussions about your previous experience versus his then it really does make sense to me anyway. Why he would care more now than before.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 09-11-2011 at 07:16 PM.
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Old 09-11-2011, 07:08 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexual past constantly bothers my husband...getting worse! please help

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Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes View Post
But hey, she's so much worse because she DARED to have sex PRIOR to meeting him. He is so much better because he used another woman for sex and all is okay with his moral compass because it was revenge and not lust.
People like him should be forced to wear a sign. Him and Hush's husband. It's about control and mental abuse disguised as love because these individuals are so insecure that they have to take down the other with them to their pit of hell and in the process make someone feel guilty for something they have no reason on Earth to feel guilty for.

Excuse me? I never once said it was okay. I was hot headed and young and insecure. And wear a sign? are you kidding me? lol your a joke. Not once did i call her a name or bring her down. The most i said was i need some time. And a few times i couldnt handle it so i left the relationship. I never said it wasnt okay for her, nor did i blame her. You dont know anything about me, dont try and judge, im older and wiser now. So get off your high horse and worry more about yourself.

Edit: Also how does this bashing on MY past help the OP? Not at all does it help. To the OP, hopefully i gave you a look from the other side, where he is coming from. Hope all works out. And as far as the size comment... I always tell my girlfriends they are the best at everything, no sense in making them insecure or make them feel not as good as other girls in my past. Even if they arnt the best, I chose to be with them and they are who i want to make happy. Telling them they arnt the tightest or most pleasuring, wont do anything but hurt them.

Last edited by 1-12-t1; 09-11-2011 at 07:30 PM.
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Old 09-11-2011, 07:10 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexual past constantly bothers my husband...getting worse! please help

Entropy has a point.

You haven`t given him reason to believe you want a bigger better man have you?

If you have I take back all of my previous posts and can relate to him entirely.
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Old 09-11-2011, 07:11 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexual past constantly bothers my husband...getting worse! please help

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Originally Posted by Hush View Post
you dont need to know... use your imagination.
I have a very vivid imagination and naughty is a very subjective thing indeed. It is usually a word used by someone with less sexual experience than someone one with a great deal. But as I stated it is a peripheral thing.
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Old 09-11-2011, 07:23 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexual past constantly bothers my husband...getting worse! please help

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Entropy has a point.

You haven`t given him reason to believe you want a bigger better man have you?

If you have I take back all of my previous posts and can relate to him entirely.
The knee jerk is to assume her hubby is insecure and pressing her for these details. If so then yeah he is being foolish and I agree with your previous post.

But there are other contexts. If she was being hurtful then that is very uncool indeed.

But if it is related to them going into an open marriage then it is a whole other context with its own dynamics. I could see why sexual history outside of the marriage would be being re-evaluated. And who is pushing to open it up. Now she did not say this specifically. But this is why I am looking at things being a little vague. It is hard to tell what is really going on here.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 09-11-2011 at 07:34 PM.
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Old 09-11-2011, 07:33 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexual past constantly bothers my husband...getting worse! please help

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But there are other contexts. If she was being hurtful then that is very uncool indeed.
You`re exactly right, I had not thought of the possibility but it does make it an entirely different situation.

My wife has told me she`s been with larger men (when asked) and it wasn`t anything to bother me but if she had implied I was somehow inadequate in comparison and she wanted a larger man over me THAT would yank hard on my ego and cause a great deal of insecurity.

Context is everything, thank you for pointing it out to me.
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Old 09-11-2011, 07:45 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexual past constantly bothers my husband...getting worse! please help

Why are you having sex with him if he is shaming you? If you were making love and increasing the stregth of your emotional bond and it was mutually satisfying that would be OK. But what he is doing is using you for his pleasure. You are servicing him now and he is grading your performance. You don't have a marriage you have a sexually abusive relationship.

There is no way that I would have sex with a man who shames me. Who is he to pass judgment on you. If he is so disgusted then don't expect to get any sex from you. If you enjoy being used then continue on. Either he gets help or you get rid of him.

This is the worse kind of abuse a woman can endure. You dont owe him sexual services and he is sick if he thinks you do. Have him move out of your bed and don't come back until he wants an emotional bond. You did not marry him to be a sex servant to him.

Lack of sex will het rid of him or wake him up either way it solves your problem.
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Old 09-11-2011, 08:19 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexual past constantly bothers my husband...getting worse! please help

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It came about because i told him i slept with a man with a bigger penis than his. And ive slept with twice as many men as he has women.. In a much shorter time period.
Never tell a man something like that. Thats what women say that are cheating on their husbands. Never bring up an ex for any reason, man or woman. Its no body elses business.

If you made that comment to me it would have been the last thing you ever said to me.

Sounds like a troll.

Last edited by Chaparral; 09-11-2011 at 08:41 PM.
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Old 09-11-2011, 08:42 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexual past constantly bothers my husband...getting worse! please help

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Never tell a man something like that. Thats what women say that are cheating on their husbands. Never bring up an ex for any reason, man or woman. Its no body elses business.

If you made that comment to me it would have been the last thing you ever said.

Sounds like a troll.
I cannot tell from information given what the deal is. I could go to one extreme and say this guy was being a total jerk and pressing his wife for this information. That he was wanting a hall pass to cheat to even the score. So that would make him a low life sleaze IMHO.

BUT if she is using her history to some how belittle him then I can go the other direction. If she is pressing him for extramarital sex then I would go to the extreme as it pertains to her.

Sorry, I can't tell from information given. Just a little too vague.

I guess we could say all else equal a man should not be shaming his wife. But I think there is reasonable doubt here and leave it at ... please provide more info.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 09-11-2011 at 08:54 PM.
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Old 09-11-2011, 10:06 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexual past constantly bothers my husband...getting worse! please help

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Long story short: I've slept with more men than my husband has women, however, I was never a 'loose' girl that somehow my husband seems to think I was.

I've never cheated on my husband- not even a long glance at another man...NOTHING!

He was full aware of my 'number' and the circumstances by which it has become what it is when we first met; We've been together now for three years.

But within the last couple of months, he sometimes refuses to touch me in bed, or during sex completely stops and tells me to go away...he begs for 'naughty' sex, but when I fulfill this he becomes sick and discouraged.

I honestly feel as though he could tell me some ridiculous sex story he was a part of and it wouldn't make a difference, but I can't so much as mention an ex without being called names or without him sulking...

It's become such a problem now, I've practically given him a hall pass to fix his number...but nothing seems to have helped.

Any advice?
Wow, you'd think you have an axe murderer on your hands, judging from the vitriol of the posts. He's young and he is incredibly immature, but it sounds like you love him. The thing you have to do, I believe, to hold onto a relationship with him is to first respect yourself. Don't give him a hall pass. That only feeds the insecurity that is going on. Tell him that you want to move forward with him, and that he is exactly what you want. Then, if he continues to insult you, I think you have to demand that he respect you. By behaving in a way that shows that your respect yourself, and expect the best from him, this is really the best that you can do for now, in my opinion. It really sounds like he is incredibly insecure in his size and performance, but all you can do is tell him that he is perfect for you (minus the disrespect). Panicking over a fear of him leaving might only enable it. If he is really the man for you, he will come back to you pretty shortly, even if he leaves for a short time. The leaving will probably show him a pretty empty life, and just how much he is losing.

I cannot stress enough that if you respond with calm self-confidence, this looks to him like just the opposite of what he is afraid of with your past. He will feel ashamed to insult you. And his fears are only grounded on his own insecurity.
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Old 09-11-2011, 10:27 PM   #41 (permalink)
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You are the problem here, not your g/f. You need to grow up and mature and live in the real world. It's highly unlikely that you are going to find yourself a virgin.

As someone else said, feeling like that ain't love. It's childish and jealousy that will suck you dry. You need to grow the hell up and be an adult. Are you 13???
Pretty sure that poster is actually 19.
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Old 09-11-2011, 10:50 PM   #42 (permalink)
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You are the problem here, not your g/f. You need to grow up and mature and live in the real world. It's highly unlikely that you are going to find yourself a virgin.

As someone else said, feeling like that ain't love. It's childish and jealousy that will suck you dry. You need to grow the hell up and be an adult. Are you 13???
Ummmm. Are there really no virgins of marrying age left?

Do you really have to be 13 to find a virgin?

Why all the hate over a guy who wants to marry a virgin. Is that not totally disrespectful?

I think he is only 19. Folks seem to get so upset about this and I have no idea why they are. It is like they are personally insulted because a guy is either looking for a virgin or a wife that has had a few partners.

And you are mad about it!? WTF!? He should grow up?

The average age for first intercourse for women is said to be about 17 years.

So he should be able to find a good number of 17 - 20 year old virgins if he really wants to. That said, I would suggest he look for a compatible partner who has a reasonable ( in his estimation ) sexual history. Some one with similar values.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 09-11-2011 at 11:07 PM.
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Old 09-11-2011, 11:15 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexual past constantly bothers my husband...getting worse! please help

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Ummmm. Are there really no virgins of marrying age left?

Do you really have to be 13 to find a virgin?

Why all the hate over a guy who wants to marry a virgin. Is that not totally disrespectful?

I think he is only 19. Folks seem to get so upset about this and I have no idea why they are. It is like they are personally insulted because a guy is either looking for a virgin or a wife that has had a few partners.

And you are mad about it!? WTF!? He should grow up?

The average age for first intercourse for women is said to be about 17 years.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a virgin for a gf or wife. What is wrong is finding one that is not and then berating her because of it.
It's bait and switch and you bet, it's a form of abuse.
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Old 09-12-2011, 12:09 AM   #44 (permalink)
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There is nothing wrong with wanting a virgin for a gf or wife. What is wrong is finding one that is not and then berating her because of it.
It's bait and switch and you bet, it's a form of abuse.
If that is what he is doing then I totally agree that that is abuse and not so much needing to grow up but needing professional help.
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Old 09-12-2011, 12:44 AM   #45 (permalink)
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I can relate to this. I was a virgin with my last girlfriend and she was not. She had 1 other partner before me. To me i felt cheated, judged, and never #1 to her. I know you werent his first... Then i had sex with another girl in revenge (didnt cheat) but it wasnt the same. I had sex with her out or revenge when my girlfriend had sex with another dude out of lust. I thought my girl was the most gorgeous girl in the WOLRD. And me having sex with another girl doesnt compare. We were now both at 2 partners... But i had never lusted after another girl. Thats what hurt me, so even if he has sex with another woman, it wont change anything. He would do it out of anger not lust, and he wants to have sex out of lust. To me, looking back at my relationship, i know its weird but i think it bothered me so much cause i loved her so much.
Where does it say i berated her? called her names? verbally abused her? And did you not read my other post? dude your dumb. Lets focus on the OP. I wrote this to show her an example of how it is from the flip side. Give her another view of what hes feeling. And as far as a virgin, i dont want that. I want a girl with the same morals. I dont want to put a girl who i would fall in love with thru the hurt of what i went thru. And i am 19, almost 20 haha right on with your guess man
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