I have been married for almost 20 years,I have 3 kids with my wife.Recently my wife has had a relationship with a younger guy who live just down the road from our home.She prommised that she would not see him again,but I have seen them together recently-she is still seeing him.
She met him at our local Bar where we socialize most weekends.
The humiliation has been unbearable as everybody in our village knows about this affair,I was the last person to find out.
My question is this :
What should I do, I know this is a strange question,I'm unable to make a decision as my head is in such a mess.
john, this could be posted on the "coping with infidelity" thread. My W too cheated (though she denies it because before she had intercourse with the supposed first guy she uttered the words "I want a divorce", did nothing to go through with it, still acted as though our crappy marriage was still going though and didn't feel remorse about lying and deceiving me about what she was doing in her "personal life"). I too wanted to forgive and work past this, largely because I didn't want my family to fall apart, however she isn't remoseful or wanting the marriage back so there is no choice but to let it go. If your W is still cheating and won't end contact then you have to let her go too, just make sure that she doesn't feed you lines to string you along, don't let her sit on the fence and seek her affair while enjoying the stable home you have been helping provide.
I should have kicked my selfish, lying, manipulative wife out months ago. It took me 18 months of bull**it, game playing and lies to finally get fed up and cut her off. I take ZERO bull**it from her now and she is whining and crying foul. Tough.
I would get very serious and tell her its over. It might hurt right now if you love her but you will be saving yourself a lot of grief and pain in the long run. And it might make her pull her head out of her a** and start acting right. If you play it soft she will tell you ti is over and she will stop, and might actually stop for a while, but it will resume with this guy or another.
And you say it is humiliating. Re-gain your dignity and show her (and everyone else) what will and won't be tolerated. I've been there.
I should have kicked my selfish, lying, manipulative wife out months ago. It took me 18 months of bull**it, game playing and lies to finally get fed up and cut her off. I take ZERO bull**it from her now and she is whining and crying foul. Tough.
I would get very serious and tell her its over. It might hurt right now if you love her but you will be saving yourself a lot of grief and pain in the long run. And it might make her pull her head out of her a** and start acting right. If you play it soft she will tell you ti is over and she will stop, and might actually stop for a while, but it will resume with this guy or another.
And you say it is humiliating. Re-gain your dignity and show her (and everyone else) what will and won't be tolerated. I've been there.
I know your right,I just need time to get my head straight first.
The first thing you need to do is go to your bank and arrange that she cannot take money out of your accounts without your permission. Many cheaters will clean out their spouse, because they need to start a new life and they 'deserve' it. That's the affair 'fog' talking - your wife has been replaced with an alien, an addict, whose sole purpose now is to keep getting her 'fix' of the OM. You are the enemy if you try to pull them apart, and she WILL harm you to stop you from doing it - either in words or actions.
If you want to save the marriage, the ONLY thing you should be doing is exposing the affair to her important people. You say you're the last to know, but do you actually KNOW that her parents, siblings, cousins, and friends know she is cheating? Call them all and tell them that you want to save your marriage, for the kids' sakes if nothing else, and you need their help talking to her and telling her they are not happy with her cheating and they will NOT support her relationship with OM. She needs to hear this from her people. That means you have to tell them you're fighting for the marriage.
You can walk away from the marriage later; first try to save it, so your kids will know one day that you did everything to save your wife from herself and keep the family together.
But this will NEVER happen unless you expose the affair.
The second thing you have to do is tell her you will NOT allow her to carry on the cheating while she's under YOUR roof. If she wants OM, she can move out - WITHOUT THE KIDS - and carry on. On HER dime. But she won't get a penny more from you.
She NEEDS you to be firm on this. Cancel her cell phone. Cut off the internet if she uses that to contact him. Take back the gas credit card. Make her use her own money to get to him.
She will NEVER choose you unless you stand FIRM and unwavering - him or me.
The first thing you need to do is go to your bank and arrange that she cannot take money out of your accounts without your permission. Many cheaters will clean out their spouse, because they need to start a new life and they 'deserve' it. That's the affair 'fog' talking - your wife has been replaced with an alien, an addict, whose sole purpose now is to keep getting her 'fix' of the OM. You are the enemy if you try to pull them apart, and she WILL harm you to stop you from doing it - either in words or actions.
If you want to save the marriage, the ONLY thing you should be doing is exposing the affair to her important people. You say you're the last to know, but do you actually KNOW that her parents, siblings, cousins, and friends know she is cheating? Call them all and tell them that you want to save your marriage, for the kids' sakes if nothing else, and you need their help talking to her and telling her they are not happy with her cheating and they will NOT support her relationship with OM. She needs to hear this from her people. That means you have to tell them you're fighting for the marriage.
You can walk away from the marriage later; first try to save it, so your kids will know one day that you did everything to save your wife from herself and keep the family together.
But this will NEVER happen unless you expose the affair.
Thanks ,this sounds like good advice,her parents do know,they continue to support her,that's not that they don't support me-they just don't talk to me about it--they are old.
cheating wife 
