To have sex everyday or to not have sex everyday...
Hello,
I've been reading a lot of posts on here about pretty much the same topic "My husband wants sex too much/every day" Mainly, because I am having the same problem and because I am completely confused on what I should do in this situation.
In the threads I've read the moral of the story was "Talk to him" and "Compromise" and I completely agree. I'm planning on talking to him. And talking to him completely honestly at that.
The thing is...when I'm honest with him about these issues...he tends to get very defensive and angry at my honesty. Let me back up a bit and voice my issue.
Me and my husband have been married 9 years. I'm 27 and he's 30. We've got 2 kids and they're 7 and 5. They're easy to take care of, they're fantastic kids, I couldn't have asked for better. That being said, my issue isn't that I'm too tired from taking care of them and I don't want sex.
My issue is that me and my husband have sex nearly -everday-. And I don't phone-it-in either. I truly do enjoy it. But, when he's waking me up at say 5AM or...even 3AM. I'm just not really in that kind of mood -right when I wake up-. Thats not to say I don't -ever- do it at those times but -sometimes- I just don't want to. Most of the time I'll cave in and do it anyway but sometimes I'll really say no but then he gets mad and sometimes he just doesn't care and pushes me into it anyway. (which I think is kind of unfair, like what I want doesn't matter, right?) But not only does he want it in the wee hours of the morning, he also wants it before bed and when he takes a nap during the day. So by my calculations thats 3 times a day, 7 times a week.
Is it just me, or does that seem like -a bit- much?
This morning, I said no. And today before he left for classes, he said "So, you gotta tell me when a good time for you is because you don't ever want to do it anymore."
What am I supposed to do with that? Am I supposed to just be like "Ok, we'll set a scheduled time and only have sex then." or do I just say "Ok, we'll do it whenever you want." Either way sounds like a bum deal to me. And I'm not sure what kind of compromise he'd be willing to work out. Last time we had this fight he thought I was -cheating- on him. Which is entirely ridiculous.
Sometimes, I'm just not in that mood. I don't know why but it seems like every time he's in this "i want sex all the time" mood and I'm in that "I kind don't want sex that much" mood. It's like we're on seperate pages that are like..kind of next to each other but not close enough to be on the same side.
Today, when he gets home I'm going to be completely honest with him. Even if it makes him mad to hear how I'm feeling. I just don't care anymore, if he can't understand that sometimes I'm just not in that mood, even if I'm not tired and not exhausted.
What I'm wondering is, how do I help him understand that this actually happens? As a guy, it's like he can't ever imagine a time when he -doesn't- want sex. How can I help him understand that women aren't the same that way? How can I help him understand that it's not that I don't want him or that I don't want to have sex anymore and that it's just that I'm not feeling this way -all the time-? I'm afraid he might get offended if I tell him something like that. He takes things personally sometimes and gets super-mad. how can I help him understand that I'm not just trying to hurt him?
His last few blog posts may help, specifically Sexy Move: Be Sexually Submissive and Sexy Move: You Forced Passive = Her Forced Active
This may shed some light on why he wants it so much, especially if he really isn't getting his needs met (and they might be needs that he may not even know he has).
Re: To have sex everyday or to not have sex everyday...
Waking you up at 3:00 or 5:00 AM for sex is totally unacceptable. Tell him that sex is an act of love, and you can't feel connected to him if you resent his demands.
It doesn't sound like you are withholding sex; you say you enjoy it. Do you think he is overly anxious? Could he be using sex to relieve anxiety?
If you think that may be the case, see if he can exercise to let off steam, or start a meditation program.
Tell him you want to enjoy sex with him and not see it as a chore. Would four to five times a week at reasonable hours be your preference? What ever you want, tell him. Use "I" statements such as I want our sex life to be mutually satisfying. Do not make him defensive by criticizing him in any way.
Re: To have sex everyday or to not have sex everyday...
Are you sure you aren't talking about my husband? That is exactly the kind of stupid thing he'd say... oh the drama, I said no a couple times at 5 am and suddenly we "NEVER" have sex anymore.
I tried to compromise, and my husband acted childish and copped an attitude, and now, we really do almost NEVER have sex. I hope you have better luck!
Re: To have sex everyday or to not have sex everyday...
Your husband sounds EXACTLY like I was (yes a woman) when My sex drive went through the roof , I seriously CRAVED it 3 times a day. I had some kind of testosterone Boost in my body, the wave lasted a full 8 months. Not sure why but it is all I could think about, I would lay there at night waiting till am to jump on him, and if I didn't get it, I would start feeling he didn't desire me, he is loosing his sex drive, I would play this over in my mind -that he is slowing down- and I wished he was younger again so he could give it to me 3 times a day, I felt we missed the best years of our life. It was not an easy time for me personally. Looking back this is rather amusing -because I even sent him to the Docs to get his Test checked. AT that time, I didn't know men slow down as they age , I was so clueless.
I have calmed down since then. ha ha but I am sooo glad I had this experience. It has opened my eyes to how MEN feel.
The fact your husband wants to be with you so very much over masterbating or looking at porn is a beautiful thing, he loves being close to you, he craves it. I am only leaving this response here -just to give you some idea of how it is--on the other side.
Heck, this MIGHT happen to you when you hit your 40's too! Then you will sit in awe and think "My god, now I get it " I agree, every day can get to be a BIT much if expected. I really do , but please understand --he has a high high sex drive. He is healthy!!!
Just let me say, When I got a taste of the other side of this, I cried many tears thinking "HOW in the He** did my husband put up with this all these years - as he wanted it every day but we only did it once or twice a week). I felt I did him a grave grave injustice. I only wish my husband would have let me KNOW his feelings and needs as YOURS is doing, mine choose to suffer in silence instead. And took it internally. This is no answer either. I was SO angry at him when I learend of this, I felt he denied us both. I cried, I was angry , a gammet of emotions.
Men are sensitive too.
Not sure what the answer is -just to say, when you strart feeling LIKE THAT, it is like a craving that is going to end in a release. Nothing else will fullfill it and masterbating is kinda hollow and empty. If this is his answer , it may lead to some rensentment. His sex drive is likely NOT going to go away, he is still going to crave you every day.
You may be happy to know, as you age, yours is likely to CLIMB some and his will go down slowly, and you & he will be near = in these matters. This explains it :
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Balance the seesaw. When they were first married, the man remembered, he always took the sexual lead, pulling his wife close and whispering his desire to make love. But now, 20 years later, she often makes the first move.
Again, hormonal changes are bringing the couple into closer balance. Men and women both produce testosterone and estrogen, but the proportion of each changes over the years. The male's shifting levels of estrogen and testosterone may make him more willing to follow than to lead, happy for his wife to set the pace. And as a woman's estrogen declines and her testosterone becomes proportionately greater, she may become more assertive.
I wish I knew THEN what I KNOW now, in how it felt on the other side. I will say this.... having been both places....It is MUCh easier to be the lower drive spouse who is not feeling it -but go along --over being the HIGHER DRIVEN spouse who is feeling it so strongly and questioning if the love of thier life still wants them, needs them, craves them.
There was nothing I wanted more, for a time, than him to WANT ME more than I wanted him. I felt NEEDY and a BURDEN- even though I worked this up in my mind. And yeah, I would get mad if I felt he didn't want me! This can happen, I beg you to try to understand him, even though YOU are not feeling it . I am very thankful my husband understood me during that time, but I know what helped him --he lived that for many years himself !
Typically - Women do not understand the male drive.
And it could be he uses SEX as his stress /tension reliever.
Re: To have sex everyday or to not have sex everyday...
Thats exactly what happens. I'm not in the mood for a while and so I kind of say "no" but then one day he says that i -always- say no. But I know 100% that I don't ALWAYS say no. Then we definately wouldn't be having sex like everyday. Seriously, we have sex 5 out of 7 days. and thats if I -really- say no once or twice. In the morning his hand is a-wandering looking for some, i gotta give him a bj for his "naptime" (if he decides he's taking a nap that day) and then again at night he's expecting something. I really don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here..I don't think I just want to give it to him whenever he wants it even if I don't.
Mainly: I want him to be happy. But...I also want to be happy too.
Re: To have sex everyday or to not have sex everyday...
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Originally Posted by DazednConfused2011
Thats exactly what happens. I'm not in the mood for a while and so I kind of say "no" but then one day he says that i -always- say no.
ONE sexual rejection feels like 10 - it is just the way it is. Likely not going to change either - Probably a good question to ask in the Mens Clubhouse.
It is the disconnect of the sexes.
Have you ever suggested an alternative for him. How does he respond ? Will you allow him to video tape you & him so he can go watch that when you are not up for it, do you allow him some porn ? Seriously.
When I was feeling it like your husband, I went & bought some toys (first time in my marraige of 19 yrs) so I wouldn't bother him so much , and ya know how he reacted -EVEN though I caused the poor man some "performance pressure" - he is not a HIGH Testosterone male - He still didn't want me to use them!! He insisted I use him- never rejected me. Though I never pressured him more than ONCE A DAY, I had to restrain myself. Even though I would have LOVED it more than that, even dreaming about it. That is how much he loved me and cared about how I felt.
I don't know, I am kinda biased on this issue, you'll have to excuse me. And it is ALOT harder for men to perform than women . Personally I think women got it pretty easy, taking 5 minutes of their time for a BJ (10 at the most ? ) and getting out the lube.
I agree, 3 times a day is terribly overkill -it is demanding, it would likely make you sore & resentful - even once a day is too much for many....but to come up with some form of healthy agreeable compromise you both can be "CONTENT" with & still feel loved & wanted (why I recommended that book above) --maybe 5 days a week, a BJ once or twice a week, this should be your goal.
I know for me, It helped to KNOW I had something to look forward too -that night, the next morning. I tried to NOT get my hopes up for something that might not happen. It was too crushing to allow myself to go there, if I wasn't going to get any.
You have the right to feel as you do and express it, but he is going to do the same. Until you find an solution that works where he is not "expecting" - and some way for you to NOT slide into resentment .
Re: To have sex everyday or to not have sex everyday...
Quote:
Originally Posted by DazednConfused2011
Thats exactly what happens. I'm not in the mood for a while and so I kind of say "no" but then one day he says that i -always- say no. But I know 100% that I don't ALWAYS say no. Then we definately wouldn't be having sex like everyday. Seriously, we have sex 5 out of 7 days. and thats if I -really- say no once or twice. In the morning his hand is a-wandering looking for some, i gotta give him a bj for his "naptime" (if he decides he's taking a nap that day) and then again at night he's expecting something. I really don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here..I don't think I just want to give it to him whenever he wants it even if I don't.
Mainly: I want him to be happy. But...I also want to be happy too.
While I agree that it's wonderful your H craves you and wants to be connected with you this way constantly (I'm cheering for you in this respect!), some of the things you have written here sounds as though your sexual needs aren't necessarily being considered. I will happily stand corrected if this isn't the case.
I think it's possible that his fear of your future self turning him down, could be warranted if he continues this behavior in the long term. I'd personally be turned-off by someone that I felt could become stroppy if I said no once in a while and by your post I am wondering if he's unintentionally becoming a selfish lover? Or if he worried about you cheating before (even though you haven't) that his insecurity also drives this desire to be as close as possible with you, along with his hormones and affection towards you. Has another woman cheated on him in the past?
Do you have loving touch and sensuality between you as well as sex? Based on other posts I've read here (not from my own experience), it sounds almost predictable that after a few years of this behavior and his approach, that you risk eventually becoming resentful of being woken at 3am and then having to tread on eggshells about occasionally saying no and as a result, no longer want to be sexual with him. I'm not sure what to suggest, maybe the men can advice here. You certainly want to keep encouraging his desire for you and enjoying sex together but I'm wondering if you can somehow show him a different way of being with you that includes slowing things down slightly to show him how you can worship each others bodies in a way that's more than giving him a hj before nap-time and being woken and expected to be "on". In the long run, this may help keep you interested in sex and remind him how wonderful it is for him to see you in that ecstatic state and feeling satisfied. For the record, I do think a quickie and one-sided pleasure is fine but by what you have written this sounds like it's becoming more the norm rather than both of you feeling pleasured. Get this sorted now..... then if your 30's hormones hit you the way they hit me, chances are you'll be in for an even more FANTASTIC time together Best wishes!
Re: To have sex everyday or to not have sex everyday...
As I guy, of course I'm going to vote....every day
Some of your post intrigues me. Particularly the part about needing a BJ before a nap.
Honestly, this sounds like association. Sex makes me relaxed. Relaxed makes me sleep. It comes across as a replacement for a baby soother you give to infants.
Not sure if this is a problem or not. I have no experience. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: To have sex everyday or to not have sex everyday...
Do the opposite of what the missus does, stop feeding him protein. Personally I have to eat tons of meat + extra tuna cans to keep up with my wife. Less protein may most probably lower his sex drive.
Re: To have sex everyday or to not have sex everyday...
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Originally Posted by RandomDude
Do the opposite of what the missus does, stop feeding him protein. Personally I have to eat tons of meat + extra tuna cans to keep up with my wife. Less protein may most probably lower his sex drive.
To have sex everyday or to not have sex everyday... 
Re: To have sex everyday or to not have sex everyday... 
Best wishes!
