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Old 10-02-2011, 05:40 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Explain Lazy Housewives?

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"My Money" was never a concept that crossed my mind. I earn 3 times what she does but it's our money. Why make her feel like she doesn't contribute because of wages. She keeps the house running. I know full well a magic elf doesn't keep food here, laundry clean, kids fed. Thankless job she has.
Exactly. My husband earns 5 times what I do and if he ever pulled that crap, that would be the last thing he ever did in our marriage.
Read here though and the meme goes like this 'cut off her discretionary spending", "don't deposit YOUR paycheck anymore", "take away access to YOUR money" as a punishment to her. I've never heard take HALF your money and deposit it in to another account as she owns the other half......not in the case of a SAHM. Not once. My point again being, SAHM's ARE viewed as contributing less.
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Old 10-02-2011, 05:42 PM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Explain Lazy Housewives?

FYD, we're all different. A husband might enjoy feeling that they provide the life the woman they love deserves and a wife might feel comfortable being taken care of. I don't know, it takes all kinds.

To answer your question, my husband appreciated(es) it as in he recognized(es) how much work I did(do) and he definitely told me that regularly along with telling me I was a great wife/lover/woman/mother but he's unable to contribute more than he has in the past. He also defines himself by his job and works relentlessly often unable to fill me in on what's going on which has always infuriated me.

It's always been between us and may eventually separate us but it's odd, we are so enmeshed in one another's lives that it is near impossible for me to begin to truly imagine my life without him. I have to learn to accept that this is what it will most likely always be or put my foot down and be willing to leave. The problem being I only have one foot down and can't seem to commit to putting the other one down. We mostly have very, very good days but as soon as he has a pitch at work or something at work requires him to work 24/7 we regress backwards. Sigh. There are worse hurdles to have to jump over, I know.
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Old 10-02-2011, 05:46 PM   #48 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Explain Lazy Housewives?

FWIW I would rather work 80 hrs a week then be a SAHD. I believe that would be a much harder job then the one I currently have.
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Old 10-02-2011, 05:48 PM   #49 (permalink)
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I love being a SAHM ! Though I would royally suck at being a "Home Schooling Mom", that is not something I could do. I thank God for Teachers & our school system.

I seen this on a friend's FB the other day

Sometimes I feel I missed the College Experience, my son is having the time of his Life, and his stories make me feel I missed out somehow, but back then -the drive for staying by my boyfriend's side & thoughts of an Old Fashioned Life was stronger than getting a degree when I was nearing Graduation . When I grew up I loved watching the Waltons & Little House on the Prairie ... for me , that was "the life " ... barefoot & pregnant living on a Farm. I know this is odd. I am very old fashioned at heart.

I never get bored at home. I always have SOMETHING to occupy MY MIND while I am doing all of those mundane repetitious tasks......I listen to music & sing, listen to "talk radio", the news on in the background, post on TAM inbetween tasks, talking on the phone to friends (speakerphone is a must), my mind is never bored. I sometimes sit down & play with my only little guy left at home, watch a movie with him. I SHOULD take more time, this I am guilty of. In the summer, I swing him in the hammock, we take walks with the dog. In my lazy time, I love to get a good book and lay under a shade tree with a blanket.

I am the type that, if my house is not in order, I can NOT rest, I have to have clean floors, my dishes done & things put away or I am not very happy, even irritated . There is always a drive to "get this done" before I can "enjoy that"- which motivates me. Growing up, my best GF was a Messy, every time I spent the night, I was compelled to organize her room -as we talked & laughed, it just kinda bugged me, of coarse she didn't mind it either.

I do think you either have a clean gene or you don't.

My husband's Mom is a Hoarder (extreme example here), It does appear to run in the family (she is SO bad, she could be on "Hoarders") -she had a brother like that and 2 of the kids (out of 4). My husband is not one of them- thank God he seems to have taken after his dad. Funny, how his dad's side was the complete & utter opposite... his family members were the immaculate Sparkly clean type -so clean you could eat off their floors, never clutter & you'd never dare enter with shoes. He was so embarrassed of his own house, it caused such a DIVIDE in their marraige -he never wanted to be home. I felt bad for his dad. When she would leave, he would start burning stuff. She would throw a fit, then she would never go anywhere so he could not clean it out.


My husband lets me handle all the $$ -it is one thing I do as a SAHM, all the checkbooks, bills, shopping, credit cards, I call for the best cd rates, etc, whatever we buy, he allows me full reign to his earnings. I research online-reading reviews & finding the best prices to be had. Coupons, rebates, I used to belong to a frugal forum.


I do think this would cause many women to get depressed...if truly they are doing a DECENT to honorable Job and never getting a word of praise or a word of appreciation for it. It shouldn't be.

BUT.... going back to my father in law, who worked every day, 2 jobs at one time in their earlier marriage, while he always came home to a good cooked meal, and she was a loving faithful woman with a pleasant laid back personality....still the JUNK accumulated out of thin air, he built a 3 stall garage from his own hands..... she filled 2 stalls to the ceiling. He never denied her $$ - but she only turned around and bought more JUNK!

Shortly After his death -the 3rd is filled to the ceiling! We weren't surprised. She used to complain about him and I sat there thinking "Woman, LOOK at this house!" - I kept my mouth shut but he deserved better. She was NOT holding up her womanly end at all . She was never depressed -she had friends, she did painting, into her kids , stable ..but still -the hoarding continued. He was embarrased to have this own family come to his house.

I don't know if it is a sickness or what, but she does NOT want to get better. Family members have offered to pay for a dumpster, help her, she just gets offended & quits talking to them. This is extreme I realize. I think she would have been better off working -since staying home caused JUNK to grow to the point of filling rooms. At least when he was alive, it was kept at some sort of bay.




I will admit--I DO judge on this. Situations like my MIL, even one of my friends, who doesn't always cook for her husband, I've been to her house, where he comes in & has to raid the fridge himself. It is typical. These women are able bodied, MIL thinks nothing of going to garage sale after garage sale but her house is a disgrace. My friend eats out with her dad a few times a week , she watches TV all day & he has to help himself when he gets home searching the fridge. I don't think he accually complains about it, he is just USED to it.

I have much more sympathy for the WORKING MOM who is behind, that makes sense to me! My hats are off to them. I personally would not want to walk in their shoes.

True, I get on this computer and waste alot of my time - I could be doing something MORE Productive. This is my free time. I make sure to get all of my work done before he walks through that door. I would be upset with myself otherwise. There are days I get lazy or was doing alot of running, maybe we'll eat pancakes or scrambled eggs or something. If I was downright lazy (I know when I am) -I will outright tell him I was a complete BUM all day. He just smiles, cause he knows it is rare.

I can easily get my entire day done from starting at 6am till about 10- 11am . Sometimes I cook for 3 days -all at one time -just to get it over with-- If I have other plans for the next day or something. With a big family, I cook mostly from scratch (boxed is way too pricey- that is not allowed).... and I even have a few small side jobs in addition to being a SAHM.

I enjoy it all so It doesn't seem like "work" to me, I see it more as a Privilege- in this day and age. THat we can survive on what he makes, and make it work well....still having some left over for family vacations , new roofs, whatever comes.
I saw it as a privilege too and one I will never regret.

I now see working at a job I love as another privilege. I am very grateful for my life. I do wish Moms were more easy on one another. No doubt that once you have children you're walking around with their hearts on the outside of your chest always trying to protect them and do well by them and at the same time still make room for yourself. It's far more rough than most will admit but it's also extremely rewarding.
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Old 10-02-2011, 05:52 PM   #50 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Explain Lazy Housewives?

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FWIW I would rather work 80 hrs a week then be a SAHD. I believe that would be a much harder job then the one I currently have.
Work is my escape LOLLL

My kids are awesome but I do like getting out and talking to adults.
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Old 10-02-2011, 05:53 PM   #51 (permalink)
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Exactly. My husband earns 5 times what I do and if he ever pulled that crap, that would be the last thing he ever did in our marriage.
Read here though and the meme goes like this 'cut off her discretionary spending", "don't deposit YOUR paycheck anymore", "take away access to YOUR money" as a punishment to her. I've never heard take HALF your money and deposit it in to another account as she owns the other half......not in the case of a SAHM. Not once. My point again being, SAHM's ARE viewed as contributing less.
Yes, exactly my point as well. I can't stand it when I read this. I feel like saying...where are the posts that say, "Reward her by setting up a savings fund worth $200/wk as a bonus for her amazing job", "Give her vacation and sick time to make sure you recognize that she deserves time to care for herself too and doesn't feel taken advantage of or as if she wants to quit".

I mean, do we really believe that it's equal in regards to perception of roles in relation to the dollar? We don't and it seems we're far more likely as a society to punish rather than reward in regards to homemakers and stay at home mothers.
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Old 10-02-2011, 06:03 PM   #52 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Explain Lazy Housewives?

I'm sure it depends on one's personality. I'm a guy, and did more than my share of housework when I was married. Due to a lot of vacation time connected with my job, I would often take full control of it for weeks. Honestly, I never understood what the big deal was. I've worked various jobs in my life; everything from hard manual labor to jobs that required a lot more mental labor. To be honest, housework is the easiest job I've had, but I'm sure it depends on the person.

Some say it's boring, mundane, and repetitive, and that they would go crazy staying at home all day; it is repetitive, but that didn't bother me. I enjoy being at home. I'm not looking for action and a crowd of people all the time. Did i enjoy it? Well, not particularly, but it was satisfying to see freshly vacuumed carpets and a closet hanging full of clean clothes. I'm sure, however, it could drive a person crazy who has a personality to want to be involved in something all the time.

On the other hand, I don't understand people who just want to sit on the couch and eat chetoos and watch tv 24/7 while the house turns into a disaster zone and nobody even has a pair of clean underwear available.
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Old 10-02-2011, 06:09 PM   #53 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Explain Lazy Housewives?

Some people are just lazy and useless and want to be taken care of like little kids. "I do" to them means "Not ever again and not for you"
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Old 10-02-2011, 06:12 PM   #54 (permalink)
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FYD, we're all different. A husband might enjoy feeling that they provide the life the woman they love deserves and a wife might feel comfortable being taken care of. I don't know, it takes all kinds. I have learned to allow and enjoy my husband looking after me. I look after him too.

To answer your question, my husband appreciated(es) it as in he recognized(es) how much work I did(do) and he definitely told me that regularly along with telling me I was a great wife/lover/woman/mother but he's unable to contribute more than he has in the past. He also defines himself by his job and works relentlessly often unable to fill me in on what's going on which has always infuriated me.
I often hear of men who define themselves by work. Have you ever asked him why he cannot contribute more?
It's always been between us and may eventually separate us but it's odd, we are so enmeshed in one another's lives that it is near impossible for me to begin to truly imagine my life without him. I have to learn to accept that this is what it will most likely always be or put my foot down and be willing to leave. The problem being I only have one foot down and can't seem to commit to putting the other one down. When you share history and children, it is hard to walk away. We mostly have very, very good days but as soon as he has a pitch at work or something at work requires him to work 24/7 we regress backwards. Sigh. There are worse hurdles to have to jump over, I know.
I hope that you and he can someday jump over this hurdle. I think the good days give you hope, which is good.
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Old 10-02-2011, 06:13 PM   #55 (permalink)
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Some people are just lazy and useless and want to be taken care of like little kids. "I do" to them means "Not ever again and not for you"
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Old 10-02-2011, 06:19 PM   #56 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Explain Lazy Housewives?

It's not complicated. People aren't that inscrutable.


"Why do you act like you hate me?"

"Because I sort of do"
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Old 10-02-2011, 07:02 PM   #57 (permalink)
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I mean, do we really believe that it's equal in regards to perception of roles in relation to the dollar? We don't and it seems we're far more likely as a society to punish rather than reward in regards to homemakers and stay at home mothers.
I will never forget when my mother had a mental breakdown due to family dying all around her and she begged my father to take 2 days off to take care of us so she could get away just to be alone. We were 6. His response? Isn't this what I pay you to do? All you have to do is take care of two kids, it's not that hard. I have real work to do.
In open court after 38 years of marriage he said and I quote "She never worked a day in her life and doesn't deserve MY money". Thankfully the court disagreed.
Read some of what is posted here and I swear, it is the ghost of my father.

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Old 10-02-2011, 07:19 PM   #58 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Explain Lazy Housewives?

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Exactly. My husband earns 5 times what I do and if he ever pulled that crap, that would be the last thing he ever did in our marriage.
Read here though and the meme goes like this 'cut off her discretionary spending", "don't deposit YOUR paycheck anymore", "take away access to YOUR money" as a punishment to her. I've never heard take HALF your money and deposit it in to another account as she owns the other half......not in the case of a SAHM. Not once. My point again being, SAHM's ARE viewed as contributing less.
they contribute less finacialy, and thats all the husband has to bargin with.


just like a woman who shuts off sex for whaterevr reason because her precieved needs are not being met. and most time won't even comunicate about it because it would sound very bad.


my needs are not being met so no sex for you. what needs baby ,well if you don't know I'm not telling get old real fast.
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Old 10-02-2011, 07:23 PM   #59 (permalink)
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they contribute less finacialy, and thats all the husband has to bargin with.


.
Then pay for childcare on your own. It was $1400 per kid back in CA in 1993. So how exactly are they contributing less?
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Old 10-02-2011, 07:27 PM   #60 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Explain Lazy Housewives?

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SA,
What would you say if one day your husband came home and claimed it was "his money"? How many times have you heard this here? Me, plenty. I admire you for at that you do and the love between you guys. Hopefully you understand that you ARE unique in this situation and that most men do not see being a SAHM as valuable for what they do.
You are right, we hear that plenty here...and automatically 2 things comes to my mind....

1) Either the husband is unappreciative & controlling , could be a massive JERK who has no compassion and rules with an iron fist , add that he may look down upon women , some even use the Bible to do it...I have a girlfriend in this situation, he gives her just about nothing , they have 2 kids, I have helped her with groceries, gas money-I don't allow her to repay me cause she will never have it anyway. She is always hanging from a shoe string not knowing how she is going to pay for something & she is not a big waster either.

Even at her house, when she speaks to him, I've witnessed he will not even look up at her, no respect, I see it as abusive. BUt she chooses to stay , some friends have cut her off because she chooses to stay with this man. I won't do that.

She keeps a good house, she is a wonderful woman who goes around singing & writing the praises of Jesus cause I think it HELPS HER remain in her hellish marriage. Her Church family is a bigger influence in her life than her husband. Now that is a situation where the HUSBAND is clearly doing wrong, is unappreciative, using his authority to prove he is worth more (Anyone could tell he has anger issues to some degree)-also he must not keep Jobs long, always inbetween them, He will not even share with her what he makes. Some men , yeah, are clearly in the wrong, A-hole attitude, controlling , abusive in this issue.

but then.... we have this also....

2) WIFE is pampered, used to getting what she wants, or feels she DESERVES whatever she wants, maybe her parents gave her too much, she never learned the value of a dallor, or had to work for it. Maybe she got carried away using her husbands $$ (if she had full access), to the point of not being able to pay their bills, starts hiding her spending, putting them in debt (where otherwise it might not have been so- had she been more careful, used some restraint).

Or if they had a goal to save for the future, maybe for a down payment on their dream house - and she was consistently going over their budget for this. I mean, we are all weak in some area, don't tell me women are all "above reproach" in spending, this I will not believe in the majority of cases.

....In this scenerio, I think the husband may need to put his foot down if she insists on remaining a SAHM, she may need to take a job to help with the bill paying. I would give the HUSBAND more credit if he was responsible with this money. Now if he is as BIG of a waster as her, then maybe he has no right to judge her or take it all away--as they are both contributing to the problem.

I had a friend in the opposite situation, she was the careful saver, the SAHM, he was the worker, and waster, it used to drive her crazy, he was constantly buying new electronics, they couldn't afford their heating billls, I would go over there & they would heat their whole house with 4 kerosene heaters cause of HIS spending habits. But what could she do. It was one of many of thier issues.

Agreeing on $$ is damn important in marraige.

So what about #2, should the sole breadwinner just turn a blind eye to keep peace??

Should he take on a 2nd job so he can afford his wife's spending habits ? Crazier things have happened.

I think unless we are spending the very $$ we earned by own own hand, we need to have an awesome responsibilty in spending anothers, and if they are good reasonable men, they will see this and not restrict their wives from their paychecks.


I tell my sons now if you meet a woman who thinks she is too "good" to use Ebay or go to an occasional Flea market, turn around and walk the other way, chances are you will never make enough to "keep" her or die trying.

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 10-02-2011 at 07:43 PM.
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