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Old 10-14-2011, 08:06 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido? Can This Really Be All Its About?

SB,
This is true and is the magic in the marriage. And equally true this goes both ways. Just as my W will relax and allow me to arouse her it is also true that I never radiate a vibe or initiate when I KNOW she is tired/sad/in a bad place mentally. And in fact when that does happen and I know for certain we won't be having sex I generally go the extra mile to be extra kind.

I also let her off the hook gently when she offers (because she is feeling guilty) and I know she doesn't really want to.

Best way to say this is that I try to be just as understanding and kind about her lower drive as she is about my higher drive.

I will say this - she fully grasps that "rejecting" your partner is a BIG DEAL. So she never says 'no', but she absolutely can say "can we connect tomorrow" and she knows I will smile and say sure.

That is NOT to say it was always this way. We had a long period of tension over frequency. I was NOT nice during that time and frankly she gets huge points for going the extra mile again and again to keep me happy. NOT proud of that. Our compromise during that part of our marriage was 80%/20% with me prevailing 80% of the time. Wish I had a time machine. Like all marriages - it isn't that simple though. It is also true that during that time I was much more the "giver" outside the bedroom. So it was kind of an 80/20, 20/80 thing.

The thing I really, really wish is that I had read Athol Kays book MMSL 22 years ago - which is 22 years before he wrote it.




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Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
Search out some of MEM's posts about how his wife can be "neutral" (i.e. not raving anxious to have sex at any given moment but willing to be got in to it). He puts it better, I should say. My own feeling is it's pretty uncommon, but see if it resonates with you as either an explanation or a plan.
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Old 10-18-2011, 11:24 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido? Can This Really Be All Its About?

Hey a lot of men think about sex every day but don't expect it 3-4 times a week. With 3 kids, you're being unreasonable. I would aim for 1-2 times per week and she may be more receptive if you get more reasonable.
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Old 10-19-2011, 03:44 PM   #33 (permalink)
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CandieGirl, when it's time to get back into searching for an LTR mode, I pray that I can find a woman with half the libido you have! You likely have no idea just how rare you are. If I knew your husband, I'd cane him for not trying. If it's about his health, how well does he take care of himself?

For Rob, sounds like it's time to change things up. Perhaps she has the "been there, done that" context around sex? Also you have mentioned she weighs 190# which is indicative of a big girl. How is she doing with respect to health, diet and fitness issues?
Rare? If I am to believe many of the ladies on this forum, we are quite plentiful! Lol...

H's health...yes, a bit of a hypochondriac, I'm afraid. Not extreme, but he always seems to have a touch of something...What he really does have is high blood pressure, and recently started medication. So he's very tired all the time now. A side effect.
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Old 10-31-2011, 02:32 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Hey a lot of men think about sex every day but don't expect it 3-4 times a week. With 3 kids, you're being unreasonable. I would aim for 1-2 times per week and she may be more receptive if you get more reasonable.
3-4 times would be great, but like i said in my intro, i know that's not happening. To me once a week... is unreasonable. So 2-3x i'd be happy.

Like i've said in other threads, a husband shouldn't feel like he is asking for too much to make love to the woman he's vowed to spend the rest of his life with.
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Old 10-31-2011, 11:50 PM   #35 (permalink)
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I admit I didn't read every post in this thread, but something that doesn't appear to have been mentioned: a major culprit for causing low libido in women is birth control pills!! Not only do they physically prevent pregnancy, they can (in some women) completely kill their sex drive too. It's an easy fix if that's the issue - well worth looking into.

As far as the issue of compromising with your partner - in my relationship, sex is always a negotiation. We have differing needs and have discussed what each of us needs from the relationship. There's no "schedule" or expected minimum, but both of us are aware of where the other is coming from and do our best to accommodate each other.

If you really want to be in a relationship with your partner, the HD person has to learn how to make do with less and accept that to the LD person it will be a "chore" to some degree. The LD person has to learn how to get themselves in the mood when they're not, and not let their partner feel like it's a chore for them.

Relationships are all compromise, all the time.
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Old 11-01-2011, 09:33 AM   #36 (permalink)
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I admit I didn't read every post in this thread, but something that doesn't appear to have been mentioned: a major culprit for causing low libido in women is birth control pills!! Not only do they physically prevent pregnancy, they can (in some women) completely kill their sex drive too. It's an easy fix if that's the issue - well worth looking into.

As far as the issue of compromising with your partner - in my relationship, sex is always a negotiation. We have differing needs and have discussed what each of us needs from the relationship. There's no "schedule" or expected minimum, but both of us are aware of where the other is coming from and do our best to accommodate each other.

If you really want to be in a relationship with your partner, the HD person has to learn how to make do with less and accept that to the LD person it will be a "chore" to some degree. The LD person has to learn how to get themselves in the mood when they're not, and not let their partner feel like it's a chore for them.

Relationships are all compromise, all the time.
Off the pill for about 6 years now. That's how we had our Oops... 3rd child. We thought that was it too, that's why we stopped.

I sometimes wonder if she ever, truly was into s#x... ever. Just did it because it was espected of her.
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Old 11-01-2011, 10:32 AM   #37 (permalink)
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a major culprit for causing low libido in women is birth control pills!!
I think an even bigger culprit for causing a low libido in women is marriage.
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Old 11-03-2011, 02:14 PM   #38 (permalink)
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I think an even bigger culprit for causing a low libido in women is marriage.
Starting to think the same thing.
Girls in college, many, many on the pill don't seem to be have a problem getting their swerve on.
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Old 11-03-2011, 02:26 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Starting to think the same thing.
Girls in college, many, many on the pill don't seem to be have a problem getting their swerve on.
They also are young and carefree (and well, often immature) - they are without the hormonal challenges and baggage that women get to have so much fun with as we have children and age and they are often without the kinds of responsibilities (jobs, kids, households, family, husbands ) that a wife has to deal with. Ahhh - to be young and carefree again!

Don't let yourself start to go down some kind of slippery slope of cynicism and bitterness, though. It won't help you or your marriage at all. Bootstraps, man! Reach down, and pull yourself up by them.

You know Rob, more and more I'm convinced that women especially are profoundly affected by not only their emotional relationship with their husband, but also the amount of stress and contributing fatigue they have in their lives. In my own life, I have found that stress and its first cousin fatigue have had a grave impact on my libido.

Sex Drive: How Do Men and Women Compare?

I honestly just think we fill our lives with way too many things (including expectations that we should be doing this or we should have that) and we don't take time out anymore to just 'smell the roses'.

If you and your wife are like that, then maybe you should look in to how you could get back to a simpler, slower pace so that you can actually concentrate on each other more.

Best wishes.
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Last edited by Enchantment; 11-03-2011 at 02:32 PM.
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Old 11-03-2011, 03:02 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: Low Libido? Can This Really Be All Its About?

A woman's libido revolves around her plotting to get you think about her libido.
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Old 11-04-2011, 09:57 AM   #41 (permalink)
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They also are young and carefree (and well, often immature) - they are without the hormonal challenges and baggage that women get to have so much fun with as we have children and age and they are often without the kinds of responsibilities (jobs, kids, households, family, husbands ) that a wife has to deal with. Ahhh - to be young and carefree again!

Don't let yourself start to go down some kind of slippery slope of cynicism and bitterness, though. It won't help you or your marriage at all. Bootstraps, man! Reach down, and pull yourself up by them.

You know Rob, more and more I'm convinced that women especially are profoundly affected by not only their emotional relationship with their husband, but also the amount of stress and contributing fatigue they have in their lives. In my own life, I have found that stress and its first cousin fatigue have had a grave impact on my libido.

Sex Drive: How Do Men and Women Compare?

I honestly just think we fill our lives with way too many things (including expectations that we should be doing this or we should have that) and we don't take time out anymore to just 'smell the roses'.

If you and your wife are like that, then maybe you should look in to how you could get back to a simpler, slower pace so that you can actually concentrate on each other more.

Best wishes.
Honstly, i was just having a bit of fun and a laugh. I'm not really bitter per se at this point. I know i want sex more, but there is very little i can do about it at this point. If there was some magical "fix" that solved everyone's problem, then that person who came up with the fix would be rich.

I try focus in on other things of our marriage, and just hope and pray that things change. If they don't ... i'll just have to live with it and adjust.
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