(Sorry i couldn't post this in the sex forum, but i'm at work at don't want that section to come up in my internet history)
That is my our story. We've been married for 13 years, 3 kids, she's a SAHM. Frequency of the # of times we make love is the soul of the matter. I am a high libido dude, so for me, it would be great if we made love 3-4x a week. That AIN'T happening. She would be satisfied if we made love about once every few weeks. One time, i wanted to see how long she could go without it... it was a month before she noticed. And 90% of the time, we do make love, its through my initiation. She doesn't turn me down per se, but if i try too many attempts per week... you can tell her heart isn't into it.
And to answer some questions out there, no, there isn't any one else, she has pretty much been this way shortly after marriage. I'd say by year 2. Small part of me wonders if this is how she always was, but lead me to believe the sex was always going to be jumping off so i would say, "I do." Then get married, and a kid a couple years later, she could be herself. SOrry if that sounds cruel, but the thought does go through my head.
So ladies, can it really this simple? For those of you are this applies to. You can love your husband, enjoy sex once it starts, but just not are raving about it when its not right in front of you. I can't speak for most guys, but i think about sex everyday. I try keep things in perspective, i married first out of love... companionship next... and a distant 3rd or 4th is sex. But i won't lie, this isn't easy. Like i posted on here months ago, i really do hope her peak kicks in as she closes on 40. She is 35 now.
Yes, Rob. I'm the same way. Not every woman is obviously this way, but I can certainly relate to your wife.
And libido in women can be a complex mix of physical (hormones, health) and emotional/relational. It is a mix in men too, but men definitely have the advantage in the hormonal department. With testosterone levels 10 times what is found in a woman, you men definitely have a leg up on having sexual urges much more frequently. I also postulate that men have the advantage in that they are also socialized to look upon their sexuality as a positive thing, while women, unfortunately have been more socialized to look upon their sexuality as not as positive. Perhaps in time this will change and both men and women will be able to approach their sexuality as a positive, beautiful thing.
We all fall into the trap of thinking that others are thinking and feeling just like us - especially our spouses - and especially when it comes to sex. But, being able to accept each other's quirks, foibles, and uniqueness - libido being one of them - and working together toward a rewarding solution is what marriage is all about.
Many women do feel sexual desire after they are aroused, kind of the opposite of what a man might feel. I frequently attach this article and recommend you do research on "Rosemary Basson" as she has been instrumental in trying to identify the differences between female and male arousal. Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It? | Psychology Today
That being said, many women, self included can easily become aroused even in the absence of outright desire when they are in a great relationship with their husband. And that cycle can feed on itself somewhat, so that it can be more self-perpetuating.
I have had the same general libido my whole adult life. I am 47 now and have never experienced any kind of sustained peak (least not yet). I have always been a once every week or 10 day person, but I could probably go as long as 3 weeks or so. My husband at 49 is still a once a day guy. We meet somewhere in the middle between 3 - 5 times a week. I did have heightened drive during pregnancy, and I definitely had lowered drive during a time of illness when I became severely hypothyroid and have been able to see many other things that affected it negatively - stress, fatigue, breastfeeding, etc. - and positively - when both of us are really striving to put each other as a priority in our marriage.
However, the hormonal/biological bits that you may not have as much control over are not the only thing that drives you. Relational and emotional issues do too, and for women that can be a very big factor in their desire for sex. A good relationship with your husband can spur your desire on, ironically sometimes so can a bad one. How many times have we seen on TAM about women who highly desire sex because their husband's ignore them? Is that mostly biological or relational?
Anyway, your wife doesn't get a free pass because her libido is different than yours. A wife should also be learning about her husband's drive and what sex within the relationship means to him. And, that isn't always an easy thing to understand for a wife, just like you are having a hard time understanding your wife's. It took me many, many years to understand this about my husband. In marriage, it is supposed to be a 'people growing' endeavor, the constant struggle back and forth, enlightening ourselves, growing. Couple of good books on this are by David Schnarch, "Passionate Marriage" and "Intimacy and Desire". Amazon.com: schnarch
I may have a significantly lower physical drive than my husband, but I have a significantly higher emotional desire to connect with him through sex.
I keep coming across this same problem over and over on here, that men just don't get enough...and I've come to the conclusion...that I must be a MAN, because in our house that is MY big complaint...Pfff. In a crap mood today, sorry...
Yes, Rob. I'm the same way. Not every woman is obviously this way, but I can certainly relate to your wife.
And libido in women can be a complex mix of physical (hormones, health) and emotional/relational. It is a mix in men too, but men definitely have the advantage in the hormonal department. With testosterone levels 10 times what is found in a woman, you men definitely have a leg up on having sexual urges much more frequently. I also postulate that men have the advantage in that they are also socialized to look upon their sexuality as a positive thing, while women, unfortunately have been more socialized to look upon their sexuality as not as positive. Perhaps in time this will change and both men and women will be able to approach their sexuality as a positive, beautiful thing.
We all fall into the trap of thinking that others are thinking and feeling just like us - especially our spouses - and especially when it comes to sex. But, being able to accept each other's quirks, foibles, and uniqueness - libido being one of them - and working together toward a rewarding solution is what marriage is all about.
Many women do feel sexual desire after they are aroused, kind of the opposite of what a man might feel. I frequently attach this article and recommend you do research on "Rosemary Basson" as she has been instrumental in trying to identify the differences between female and male arousal. Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It? | Psychology Today
That being said, many women, self included can easily become aroused even in the absence of outright desire when they are in a great relationship with their husband. And that cycle can feed on itself somewhat, so that it can be more self-perpetuating.
I have had the same general libido my whole adult life. I am 47 now and have never experienced any kind of sustained peak (least not yet). I have always been a once every week or 10 day person, but I could probably go as long as 3 weeks or so. My husband at 49 is still a once a day guy. We meet somewhere in the middle between 3 - 5 times a week. I did have heightened drive during pregnancy, and I definitely had lowered drive during a time of illness when I became severely hypothyroid and have been able to see many other things that affected it negatively - stress, fatigue, breastfeeding, etc. - and positively - when both of us are really striving to put each other as a priority in our marriage.
However, the hormonal/biological bits that you may not have as much control over are not the only thing that drives you. Relational and emotional issues do too, and for women that can be a very big factor in their desire for sex. A good relationship with your husband can spur your desire on, ironically sometimes so can a bad one. How many times have we seen on TAM about women who highly desire sex because their husband's ignore them? Is that mostly biological or relational?
Anyway, your wife doesn't get a free pass because her libido is different than yours. A wife should also be learning about her husband's drive and what sex within the relationship means to him. And, that isn't always an easy thing to understand for a wife, just like you are having a hard time understanding your wife's. It took me many, many years to understand this about my husband. In marriage, it is supposed to be a 'people growing' endeavor, the constant struggle back and forth, enlightening ourselves, growing. Couple of good books on this are by David Schnarch, "Passionate Marriage" and "Intimacy and Desire". Amazon.com: schnarch
I may have a significantly lower physical drive than my husband, but I have a significantly higher emotional desire to connect with him through sex.
God Bless.
Wow, i wish to thank you for your well wrote, and thorough response. I wasn't expecting all this. I take my hat off to you for you guys to meet the middle ground. Heck, i'd jump for joy for 3-5 times a week. We are in our mid 30's btw. I could push it to that btw, but i think the quality of our sex would go down, i'm almost certain of it. I don't want to this to be a "chore" for her to have to carry out, because of her duties as a wife.
I even said a prayer in church that i wish i could be less sexual. I just dont' know how sincere it was. I like feeling this way, what man who is, doesn't love this. I almost left work yesterday to come home for a nooner. What wife doesn't like their husbands to find them desirable after 3 kids. She's 190 lbs, so she's not a tiny woman, but i love her body. But i just can't go by her clock, it drives me nuts when i'm super h-rny for more than a couple days.
I keep coming across this same problem over and over on here, that men just don't get enough...and I've come to the conclusion...that I must be a MAN, because in our house that is MY big complaint...Pfff. In a crap mood today, sorry...
I would agree with you, but me and my wife have talked this to death over the years. Its not me.
Technique? I can bring her to org-sm manually and during s3x. Does she deterst me? If she does, she hides it well. I'm in great shape, i workout, i shower before jumping her.
So i think it is entirely just her. She admits never being that into s3x most of her life. I think there are alot of women like this, but they can't openly admit this to guys in the beginning because they know that no guys is going to stick around long turn for sporadic lovemaking. People like you are the ones my single brother tease me about. The ones who meet their man at the front door with lingerie on. The ones who always are down for anything, anytime, anywhere. One day, i think my wife will be like this. I can only hope.
I even said a prayer in church that i wish i could be less sexual. I just dont' know how sincere it was. I like feeling this way, what man who is, doesn't love this. I almost left work yesterday to come home for a nooner. What wife doesn't like their husbands to find them desirable after 3 kids. She's 190 lbs, so she's not a tiny woman, but i love her body. But i just can't go by her clock, it drives me nuts when i'm super h-rny for more than a couple days.
I used to pray that I could be more sexual and have a higher drive like my husband. Our mismatch caused me a lot of angst in my marriage.
I finally realized that I shouldn't pray to have my body miraculously change so my burden could be lighter, but to pray instead to have my eyes more fully opened in understanding and compassion of my husband.
"Pray not for a lighter load, but for stronger shoulders."
I guess my prayers were answered, because once I was able to understand my husband and that his need for sex was the absolute expression of our love, I did become more sexual. Okay, I STILL may not think about it a whole bunch like he does, but I am able to address his need joyfully and fulfill myself in the process.
You know, I frequently come on TAM and exhort people to "take ownership" - whether it be the man or the woman. By that I mean, to take initiative in trying to resolve the issue.
Take the initiative in trying to show your wife how important this is to you, and to try and lead her to that point. And, the way to do that - most guys don't like to hear this part because it would be so much easier for them if their spouse just miraculously changed - but it's by fully loving your wife and providing her with what she needs - but not by becoming a doormat, but by being the man of quality that a woman looks up to.
Oh, and pray for understanding and enlightenment - you to be enlightened about her needs and she to be enlightened about yours.
I think you should have gone home for a nooner - at least come home with her favorite lunch, totally surprise her, and totally bowl her over - maybe not expecting anything, but just hoping a little. You may be very pleasantly surprised.
I love your posts. I do believe that men and women need to keep communicating their needs to each other. Men give up too easily, and women need to understand that sex is a man's way to relating to them emotionally.
Husbands should meet their wife's need for affection and attention, and wives should be sexual more often; they will find that the more they engage in sex, the more they will enjoy it. Wives mature sexually if they allow their husbands to learn how to arouse them.
How are you connecting emotionally? Some people DO just naturally have a low libido. I find that if I am emotionally connected/close to my partner I feel much more aroused.
You guys have quite a difference in how much you want to have sex (you, 3-4x a week, her 1x every few weeks). You guys need to compromise. Me personally, I think 1x every few weeks isn't enough. That's basically a sexless marriage, IMO. Ask her about 2x a week and go from there.
I would agree with you, but me and my wife have talked this to death over the years. Its not me.
Technique? I can bring her to org-sm manually and during s3x. Does she deterst me? If she does, she hides it well. I'm in great shape, i workout, i shower before jumping her.
So i think it is entirely just her. She admits never being that into s3x most of her life. I think there are alot of women like this, but they can't openly admit this to guys in the beginning because they know that no guys is going to stick around long turn for sporadic lovemaking. People like you are the ones my single brother tease me about. The ones who meet their man at the front door with lingerie on. The ones who always are down for anything, anytime, anywhere. One day, i think my wife will be like this. I can only hope.
And I am hoping that one day, my H will want me each and every night and day, the same way I long for him...we fought last night (unrelated to this subject), and I went to bed after he did. Even though I was supper pi$$ed off (still am) as soon as I got into that bed (he was asleep), and felt the heat of his body next to mine...it was like electrical current shooting through my center, just lying there with our mid-points lined up in bed. I lay there, aching for him, and he didn't even know. He never knows, no matter how much I tell him (and show him). He has a low drive - I knew this going in. My hope is that I actually slow down with age (I'm 41, no signs of this happening yet).
And I am hoping that one day, my H will want me each and every night and day, the same way I long for him...we fought last night (unrelated to this subject), and I went to bed after he did. Even though I was supper pi$$ed off (still am) as soon as I got into that bed (he was asleep), and felt the heat of his body next to mine...it was like electrical current shooting through my center, just lying there with our mid-points lined up in bed. I lay there, aching for him, and he didn't even know. He never knows, no matter how much I tell him (and show him). He has a low drive - I knew this going in. My hope is that I actually slow down with age (I'm 41, no signs of this happening yet).
All this being said, when things DO happen, they're great... I just want more. Much MORE!
How are you connecting emotionally? Some people DO just naturally have a low libido. I find that if I am emotionally connected/close to my partner I feel much more aroused.
You guys have quite a difference in how much you want to have sex (you, 3-4x a week, her 1x every few weeks). You guys need to compromise. Me personally, I think 1x every few weeks isn't enough. That's basically a sexless marriage, IMO. Ask her about 2x a week and go from there.
She's my soulmate. Sure, we hit our rough patches. But we never argue, we have disagreements, but never raise voices, use profanity. We do everything togehter. Go to the mall, church, movies, watch tv... everything together.
We do have a compromise, its 1-2x a week. I'm just trying better understand her situation, from other women's POV.
And I am hoping that one day, my H will want me each and every night and day, the same way I long for him...we fought last night (unrelated to this subject), and I went to bed after he did. Even though I was supper pi$$ed off (still am) as soon as I got into that bed (he was asleep), and felt the heat of his body next to mine...it was like electrical current shooting through my center, just lying there with our mid-points lined up in bed. I lay there, aching for him, and he didn't even know. He never knows, no matter how much I tell him (and show him). He has a low drive - I knew this going in. My hope is that I actually slow down with age (I'm 41, no signs of this happening yet).
This would be the sorta thing that would piss me off back in the day. KNowing that s3x was supposed to be jumping off, then she'd be sleep when i'd finally come into the bedroom.That showed me she just didn't care about my feelings.
If you don't mind me prying, has your drive always been this high? Even prior to you guys meeting. I had no way of knowing that i'd be this s3xually frustrated as i am now, at the early start of our relationship, when i could of taken her on any given night if i wanted to. But like i mentioned before, its a compromise, and as long as i don't feel totally neglected, i don't mind toning down my desires a little bit.
This would be the sorta thing that would piss me off back in the day. KNowing that s3x was supposed to be jumping off, then she'd be sleep when i'd finally come into the bedroom.That showed me she just didn't care about my feelings.
If you don't mind me prying, has your drive always been this high? Even prior to you guys meeting. I had no way of knowing that i'd be this s3xually frustrated as i am now, at the early start of our relationship, when i could of taken her on any given night if i wanted to. But like i mentioned before, its a compromise, and as long as i don't feel totally neglected, i don't mind toning down my desires a little bit.
Yes it has, ever since I became active...20+ years ago...of course, now, I've been forced to slow down because of H!
When he and I first got together, it was more frequent. But now, there's always something. He's always tired, he's on meds, he used to do the porn thing leaving none left for me (which I completely didn't get, since there I was, gagging for it all the time!)...he is worried the kids will hear (who cares?)... I get Saturday mornings. Sometimes Sundays. That's it.
I'm much more bitter about it today (bad mood) than I have been in awhile. I've tried to be understanding. Being on this forum doesn't help, sometimes! It puts all sorts into my head.
Yes it has, ever since I became active...20+ years ago...of course, now, I've been forced to slow down because of H!
When he and I first got together, it was more frequent. But now, there's always something. He's always tired, he's on meds, he used to do the porn thing leaving none left for me (which I completely didn't get, since there I was, gagging for it all the time!)...he is worried the kids will hear (who cares?)... I get Saturday mornings. Sometimes Sundays. That's it.
I'm much more bitter about it today (bad mood) than I have been in awhile. I've tried to be understanding. Being on this forum doesn't help, sometimes! It puts all sorts into my head.
Well... you are talking about it, sometimes venting... is medicine within itself. Trust me, i feel your pain, because we are opposites, who could swap our mates... our mates would be happy because the demand for "good lovin" would be at an all time low.
Its funny that you mention the porm thing, i do that is well, but trust me, i still have plenty of me left for the real thing. It really is a poor substitute. That's why i never understood the threads i've come across on here where there are guys who did this, and basically didn't touch their women at all. Heck, porm has given me pointers, not meant to be a replacement.
Despite this being my thread, only advice i can give you is, pray about it, be wise, and don't do anything you'll regret. As a woman, i know all you guys have to do is pick up a phone, to get some guy a running over to meet you. That would be my biggest fear if i was a guy not willing to comprimise.
Well... you are talking about it, sometimes venting... is medicine within itself. Trust me, i feel your pain, because we are opposites, who could swap our mates... our mates would be happy because the demand for "good lovin" would be at an all time low.
Its funny that you mention the porm thing, i do that is well, but trust me, i still have plenty of me left for the real thing. It really is a poor substitute. That's why i never understood the threads i've come across on here where there are guys who did this, and basically didn't touch their women at all. Heck, porm has given me pointers, not meant to be a replacement.
Despite this being my thread, only advice i can give you is, pray about it, be wise, and don't do anything you'll regret. As a woman, i know all you guys have to do is pick up a phone, to get some guy a running over to meet you. That would be my biggest fear if i was a guy not willing to comprimise.
Naw, I'd never do that...I waited a long time to get married, and I've lived the single life long enough to know that I won't be missing what's out there, lol...
Porn itself doesn't really bother me, per se...unless it's something really violent, or pervy...it's the lying, and the potential to bring it to another level (actual live cheating), and of course, the 'none left for me' syndrome...wah!
Low Libido? Can This Really Be All Its About? 
