How do I know if my husband is cheating?
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Old 10-25-2011, 05:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How do I know if my husband is cheating?

My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 11. We have 3 beautiful children. Ever since my youngest, now 3 was born, I have had little to no sexual drive. We also suffered financially by loosing some rental property to a fire, and also through the low in the economy, which has only added more stress. I wake up nearly everyday at 6:00 am, even on weekends, and sometimes I am literally falling into the bed at 10:00 pm. He constantly calls me granny, says its pretty frustrating to be sexual with someone who acts like a granny. He started a new hobby, recently, which was learning to play the guitar. This is so much better than other hobbies he has had so I try to support it all I can. Recently I arranged for the kids to stay with my parents for a few hours so we could have dinner and spend some time together. He arrived an hour late, took nearly another hour to get ready, so we had a brief dinner which he recieved and sent several texts to "someone" while we were there. When we got home, he left him in my lingerie to play his new guitar, and comes back later asking me why I had changed and gotten into bed. He refuses to accept me on facebook, hides all his passwords from me, does not like me to touch his phone, and it feels as if we are drifting apart and speaking less and less. I feel like a roommate more than anything. Am I overreacting?
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Old 10-25-2011, 05:26 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I know if my husband is cheating?

One red flag is that he will not let you touch his phone. Has he always been so protective over his phone, or is it a new thing? Also, you do not have any of his passwords. I have all of my husbands pass words and he has all of mine.



Do you have access to his phone bill? If you do take a look at it.

Do not tip him off that you are suspicious of him having an affair, he will only denigh it.. It will only make things harder for you to find out. Gather proof before you confront him....

Here are a few things you can do.

Get a voice activated recorder put in under his seat (where he won't find it)

Put a keylogger on his computer, they also have them for certain types for smart phones, but it may be a problem since you can't get a hold of his phone.

Is he distant towards you and your children?

Here is a link for some of the signs -
Is my husband cheating : Signs Of An Affair

There are alot of people on this board who can help you, so stick around.

Good luck
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Old 10-25-2011, 05:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I know if my husband is cheating?

Why do they always seem to think we won't notice them texting???

There are a few signs. Do as the above post says, keep your eyes and ears open and get advice here.

Good luck.
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Old 10-25-2011, 05:38 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I know if my husband is cheating?

My feeling is that something is up with him, so you should investigate and discover the truth.

That being said, it sounds like you've a serious problem in your lack of sex drive. So even if you catch him cheating and drag him back from her, a primary cause of the problem will still remain.
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Old 10-25-2011, 05:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I know if my husband is cheating?

I'm sorry to say that you are not overreacting! You are likely on target.

I had an EA that sounds exactly like what your husband is doing with the technology. Do what is suggested above immediately. Never left my phone (except for the day I was caught), emails, phone calls, Facebook.

I'm sorry that you are both going to be on an emotional roller coaster very soon. Keep the kids out of it if at all possible.

Good luck
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Old 10-25-2011, 05:44 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I know if my husband is cheating?

Also, go to the Coping with Infidelity forum for the best advice on this matter.
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Old 10-25-2011, 05:46 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I know if my husband is cheating?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladybird View Post
One red flag is that he will not let you touch his phone. Has he always been so protective over his phone, or is it a new thing? Also, you do not have any of his passwords. I have all of my husbands pass words and he has all of mine.



Do you have access to his phone bill? If you do take a look at it.

Do not tip him off that you are suspicious of him having an affair, he will only denigh it.. It will only make things harder for you to find out. Gather proof before you confront him....

Here are a few things you can do.

Get a voice activated recorder put in under his seat (where he won't find it)

Put a keylogger on his computer, they also have them for certain types for smart phones, but it may be a problem since you can't get a hold of his phone.

Is he distant towards you and your children?

Here is a link for some of the signs -
Is my husband cheating : Signs Of An Affair

There are alot of people on this board who can help you, so stick around.

Good luck


There are a lot of signs pointing towards something going on. I'd take the above advice and see what you can find out for sure.
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:06 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I know if my husband is cheating?

He won't add you to his facebook and you're his wife??? Red huge flag.
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I know if my husband is cheating?

little to no sex drive for 3 yrs!

have you even tried to get your grove back or is it taking an affair to get you to think about it.

after so long he thinks I"m tired of pitty sex. if you want to keep him(you might not after an affair weather it was physical or emotional)then you should put some effort into connecting with him sexually/emotionaly.

It amazes me when women neglect their husbands sexually and then are suprised or blindsided by this.

still poor behavior never the less.on his part. hell on both parts!
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:49 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I know if my husband is cheating?

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Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
little to no sex drive for 3 yrs!

have you even tried to get your grove back or is it taking an affair to get you to think about it.

after so long he thinks I"m tired of pitty sex. if you want to keep him(you might not after an affair weather it was physical or emotional)then you should put some effort into connecting with him sexually/emotionaly.

It amazes me when women neglect their husbands sexually and then are suprised or blindsided by this.

still poor behavior never the less.on his part. hell on both parts!
It also amazes me when a husband with 3 children has a wife who is literally so exhausted from doing all the work that she falls in to bed at 10:00pm and instead of him oh say, helping her out instead of taking up new hobbies he complains about his wife's sex drive. Food for thought.

OP, listen to what some of the others have said here. Red flags all over the place.
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Old 10-25-2011, 07:27 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I know if my husband is cheating?

OP, he is pretty bitter about the lack of sex for 3 years. He's almost certainly having some kind of affair and probably feels severely neglected.

Sounds like you recognize things now and want to make it work - the affair would need to be squashed and he'd have to believe you'd changed most likely to move forward.

He'd probably be more likely to help with your needs as well, if his were being met.
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Old 10-25-2011, 07:42 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I know if my husband is cheating?

I realize that in some ways I have been neglecting him. If it wasn't breast feeding, it was therapy with a child with adhd, to another child with a broken leg, to stress from financial worries, to child sports, among cooking, cleaning, and laundry. He never wanted me to snoop through his phone, but he was never protective over it either. Does not even want me to bring it to him if it rings (I made the mistake of asking when his father was calling. Didn't snoop, it said the name in big bold letters.) The facebook is the thing that bother's me, as well as setting up a seperate email account that I didn't even know nor did I have the password to. This is besides the one he asked me to set up years ago, and I even was able to retrieve the password since he changed it and couldn't remember it. I don't have access to his phone bill. He switched both our phones to prepaid, then went to a different service a couple of monthes later without telling me. Also, I have even considered trying the swinger thing to see if that would help, and sorry but that is just not for me.
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Old 10-25-2011, 07:58 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I know if my husband is cheating?

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Originally Posted by dmac View Post
I realize that in some ways I have been neglecting him. If it wasn't breast feeding, it was therapy with a child with adhd, to another child with a broken leg, to stress from financial worries, to child sports, among cooking, cleaning, and laundry. He never wanted me to snoop through his phone, but he was never protective over it either. Does not even want me to bring it to him if it rings (I made the mistake of asking when his father was calling. Didn't snoop, it said the name in big bold letters.) The facebook is the thing that bother's me, as well as setting up a seperate email account that I didn't even know nor did I have the password to. This is besides the one he asked me to set up years ago, and I even was able to retrieve the password since he changed it and couldn't remember it. I don't have access to his phone bill. He switched both our phones to prepaid, then went to a different service a couple of monthes later without telling me. Also, I have even considered trying the swinger thing to see if that would help, and sorry but that is just not for me.
It sounds to me like he isn't acting like much of a husband and is blaming you by mocking you and acting out. 3 kids and you do all that while he takes up guitar and cannot provide financially? I have no idea why you are facing scrutiny here. A womans sex drive is directly connected to how she feels about her relationship. Given that you appear to be doing everything while he has plenty of leisure time, it isn't surprising that you would not want sex. Also, he is making financial changes without consulting you and hiding things/lying and being deceitful. Lack of trust in a man does not make a woman to want sex with him.
There are some huge red flags here with his behavior and if you ask him, he will not fess up. Why would he want to rock the boat when he has it so damn good. A wife who does everything and that allows him to do whatever he wants, when he wants.
Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and put it under the front seat of his car. You will be able to hear conversations that he has. Install a keylogger on his computer and that will allow you to see who he contacts. Lastly, you may (if you can afford it), hire a PI to follow him or even get a good friend to do it for you. A guy this selfish typically has a huge ego as well. Thinks he is smarter than the average bear and will be careless covering his tracks. Up until now, it's worked for him.
Put your detective hat on and get to work and I am so sorry you are going through this.
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Old 10-25-2011, 08:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I know if my husband is cheating?

Yes, something is up. Him guarding his phone, not accepting your FB request, and not sharing any passwords are all red flags.

You are not to blame for him cheating. He should have come to you if he was unhappy, not turned to someone else. Cheating is not how you fix an unhappy marriage.

Yes, get a VAR. You can find one at Walmart for $40. Also buy some velcro and use it to affix the VAR to the underside of his car seat. Put it in his car before he goes to work and take it out and listen to it after he comes home (in secret, of course). This is a great way to hear who he is talking to on his commute. (Tip - don't install the VAR on a rainy day. It won't shut off during the day when the car is parked because it will record the rain on the car roof all day long and the battery will run out!)

I would also see if you can get a key-logger for his computer. Also try to find out if he has a SIM card in his phone. If so, you can get a SIM card reader to see his deleted texts.

Get a friend to create a fake account on FB and use a fake photo of a hot girl. If he accepts her friend request, she can see who is on his friends list.

There is definitely something up.
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Old 10-25-2011, 08:31 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I know if my husband is cheating?

dmac, there will be people that will tell you that your pre-affair situation is all his fault because he's not helping you, and there will be others telling you it's your fault for the sexual neglect. Both are really horrible and they feed off each other, it really doesn't matter which comes first.

He is almost certainly having an affair, and even if the affair is exposed, if you have neglected him for many years, he isn't going to choose to go back to what he believes is a sexless marriage.

Hope you do what's best for you - wishing you luck.
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