I am Need of Desperate Help and Understanding on What to DO
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Old 11-03-2011, 03:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I am Need of Desperate Help and Understanding on What to DO

I have been dating my girlfriend for over 6 years. Things have been fairly well for the first 4 years. We talked about marriage and she even asked me to marry her. We went on an endless engagement and I ended it by calling it off, its not fair to be engaged to someone with no wedding date to speak of (my opinion) she never wanted to plan anything. Then her dad got real sick and passed away. She spiraled down into depression, shutting everyone out of her life. I have stood by her side for the past 2 years trying to hold her, comfort her, motivate her, try to keep her positive, take her places, buy her things etc….Over the past few years it became very difficult to continue giving 90% effort, when she could barely give 10%. I just decided that with 6 years invested into her and the love I had for her, maybe this was my purpose in life. Basically, to take care of and constantly tend to her needs while setting my own needs and wants aside as if they were unimportant and that what she was dealing with, she could not overcome on her own.

She has clinical depression, and refuses to seek help or counseling, she has tried some medicine in the past and it has made her sick. She says she gets so frustrated when she gets her hopes up and nothing seems to work: Here are the signs of Clinical Depression: She has every single symptom

 difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
 fatigue and decreased energy
 feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
 feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
 insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
 irritability, restlessness
 loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
 overeating or appetite loss
 persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
 persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
 thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

With her lack of effort, I have felt very used and walked on. My emotions get very hurt when I continue to give her love, support etc. and get nothing back. Some of her other qualities that I don’t agree with is her lack of communication skills (I think this is very important) and her lack of energy, motivation, positive attitude etc. Ever since her dad passed away, she has been unemployed – she has told herself with everything going on, she could not keep a job anyway. Here are other issues that she deals with:

Constant migraines, fibromyalgia, Pluracy on her lungs, anxiety, unruly children, back pain and most important a major lack of spiritual faith . She is a loner, very hard headed, doesn’t ask for help and lately I have been feeling she doesn’t even need me or anyone else in her life.

I am completely lost and confused, she recently has shut down again, this time it has already been a week and I haven’t seen or heard from her. I have always ran over to her house 20 miles away to check on her to see how she was doing and if she was ok. But I am beginning to lose trust in her, that she will even be there when times get tough. All her signs indicate to me is that she is a quitter and would rather run away than to stay and work through issues.

I do not want to continue going over to her house put my heart and emotions on the line when I get nothing back from her. I don’t know what to do, I love her very much and am torn between my gut and my heart. My heart says quit being selfish and take yourself out of the equation, put your own feelings aside and go comfort her. This may be your station in life…….then my gut kicks in and says, if she is not going to put any effort in you have got to take care of yourself. There is plenty of women out there who would love to meet you. She will need to find the strength to overcome on her own and it doesn’t matter what you say or what you do…..any change in her circumstance will have to come from her.

Ok, that’s my story in a nutshell. I tried to be as clear as possible, but I need some advice on what to do. I have not called her, nor texted her, nor ran to her house – I don’t want to open myself up again unless I know there may be hope. I even bought her an engagement ring. It seems that I have done everything I can in this situation, but the one thing I cannot control is her. Do I stay or do I leave? Please Help!

Lonely and Confused

P.S. Any comments are very much welcomed. Anybody who can relate to my situation and shed some light would be great and I would love to go into this in more detail from female perspective. Please email me at forthg@yahoo.com
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Old 11-03-2011, 04:09 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am Need of Desperate Help and Understanding on What to DO

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Originally Posted by forthg View Post
I have stood by her side for the past 2 years trying to hold her, comfort her, motivate her, try to keep her positive, take her places, buy her things etc….Over the past few years it became very difficult to continue giving 90% effort, when she could barely give 10%. I just decided that with 6 years invested into her and the love I had for her, maybe this was my purpose in life. Basically, to take care of and constantly tend to her needs while setting my own needs and wants aside as if they were unimportant and that what she was dealing with, she could not overcome on her own
Get a copy of Melody Beattie's classic book, Codependent No More. You are not her psychiatrist, her counselor, her savior, her shrink, her cure. However, you are enmeshed in her life to the point that you would seriously consider eradicating your own wants/needs/desires. Not healthy. Not healthy at all.

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Originally Posted by forthg View Post
She has clinical depression, and refuses to seek help or counseling

With her lack of effort, I have felt very used and walked on. My emotions get very hurt when I continue to give her love, support etc. and get nothing back.
You are playing the victim. She has made it clear she does not want counseling. Medication did not help the situation. You feel "walked on" due to her "lack of effort." Why should she expend any effort when you're doing it all? This is codependency in all it's sad glory. Respect her right to refuse counseling. Step back from the situation. Get a copy of Beattie's book and pay special attention to the chapter on detachment.

BTW, she may not want the love you continue to give her because she cannot even love herself. You do not possess the power to make anyone get better, love themselves, or seek professional guidance. You can only make suggestions; if they don't take, then you need to back away.
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Old 11-03-2011, 07:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am Need of Desperate Help and Understanding on What to DO

Thank you for your thoughtful comments, you are exactly right............I feel like it is my responsibility to be there for her and set aside any of my own feelings or wants, as they have all become null and void. I just need to know what my responsibility is, I mean it seems like we have been married already - 6 years. But its all without the rings, so does that give me the right to just leave. What if we were married with the rings, would my responsibility be different. That is where I am confused. I am not a quitter, but I do understand that the only way she is going to get better is if she helps herself. That leaves me with no communication from her, have no idea whats going on and I just try to keep myself busy until she decides to let me know what she is doing. All I keep hearing is that the best thing I can do for her is pray.....
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Old 11-03-2011, 08:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am Need of Desperate Help and Understanding on What to DO

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Originally Posted by Prodigal View Post
Get a copy of Melody Beattie's classic book, Codependent No More. You are not her psychiatrist, her counselor, her savior, her shrink, her cure. However, you are enmeshed in her life to the point that you would seriously consider eradicating your own wants/needs/desires. Not healthy. Not healthy at all.



You are playing the victim. She has made it clear she does not want counseling. Medication did not help the situation. You feel "walked on" due to her "lack of effort." Why should she expend any effort when you're doing it all? This is codependency in all it's sad glory. Respect her right to refuse counseling. Step back from the situation. Get a copy of Beattie's book and pay special attention to the chapter on detachment.

BTW, she may not want the love you continue to give her because she cannot even love herself. You do not possess the power to make anyone get better, love themselves, or seek professional guidance. You can only make suggestions; if they don't take, then you need to back away.
I couldn't have said it better myself. Get some counseling to learn how to help yourself get out of this mess. This is no way to live.
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Old 11-04-2011, 09:13 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am Need of Desperate Help and Understanding on What to DO

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I feel like it is my responsibility to be there for her and set aside any of my own feelings or wants, as they have all become null and void. I just need to know what my responsibility is ... What if we were married with the rings, would my responsibility be different.
Your confusion stems from the fact that you don't understand boundaries. Whether you two were legally married or not, you cannot fix her. You are responsible for no one's life but your own. I'm not talking about loyalty, dedication, or commitment. I'm talking about respecting this woman's rights to remain in her mess. She's made it clear she does not want help at this time.

Step away and allow her to make her own choices. She may well discover that she needs to seek professional help. We DO have responsibilities to our partners, but "fixing" their addictions or mental problems doesn't fall under that category.
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You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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