Very true. Had I not beaten my dog the other day, I would not have realized that it feels bad to do so. And, the dog is well. Found a juicy steakbone in the neighbor's garbage and there is a hot poodle moving in down the street.
Very true. Had I not beaten my dog the other day, I would not have realized that it feels bad to do so. And, the dog is well. Found a juicy steakbone in the neighbor's garbage and there is a hot poodle moving in down the street.
Omg. Life is about lessons. I learned from mine. Didn't repeat it. I tried for over a year to talk to him about our problems and he would say, "If there's a problem, it's yours. Deal." So i did.
Just saying that you would have been better served by acting with integrity,
BTW, hwere did you come up with the notion that most women cheat because they are being treated horribly. I suspect a great many betrayed husbands would disagree with you on that.
What is the source of that ? Seems fairly sexist.
Integrity, yep. Learned about that too. You assume that I was who I am today and I assure you that 13 years ago I had NO idea what a relationship takes. I hate no idea about love or commitment. He surely wasn't committed to me. His favorite line was, "You can't be everything to me. I need other women to fulfill what you lack." Awesome.
From reading, it seems that much of the women, and men alike, cheat because they are treated in a way they see is horrible. They lack an emotional tie to their mate so they seek it elsewhere. Am I wrong in that? I didn't compare men and women and their cheating. I just said that most women cheat because they feel they are treated wrongly. O.o Am I wrong? I think most men cheat for the same reason. And even if someone thinks they are being a good mate, it's all perception. If someone feels they are being treated horribly, then in their mind, they are...But I see your point. I was not implying that most men treat their mates wrongly.
I learned a TON about integrity and commitment from that time in my life. I did not walk away from it unscathed. I spiraled into a dark place that only self forgiveness and sincere apologies could get me out of and a few years later I was able to grow as a human. From that point on I wouldn't commit to anyone that I knew I couldn't keep the promise. I was honest in my relationships, even if the truth hurt.
Oh, I thought you said that most women cheat because they ARE being treated horribly. I'll check that portion of my vows re the dispenation should I feel mistreated.
It is interesting that women seem to justify cheating because of what their husband does, while men justify it because of what their wife doesn't do. Posted via Mobile Device
It is interesting that women seem to justify cheating because of what their husband does, while men justify it because of what their wife doesn't do. Posted via Mobile Device
Mine wasn't a husband. He didn't even call me his girlfriend. There were many issues in that relationship that were bogus. I only moved in with him because he didn't want to deal with my mother (whom I lived with at the time).
I take responsibility for my cheating. If I could do it over, I would have been up front. Fear and wussy-dom got the better of me (I was afraid of him) and I pussed out. Yes, shame on me. But that was 13 years ago.
It is interesting that women seem to justify cheating because of what their husband does, while men justify it because of what their wife doesn't do. Posted via Mobile Device
I've seen both: The H is controlling/abusive, etc or the H is a beta who does not meet needs, or the His "emotionally neglectful"(I guess that is both active and passive).
Same for men cheaters. Not enough this or that, or nagging or weight gain etc.
The need for justification seems pretty universal.
Mine wasn't a husband. He didn't even call me his girlfriend. There were many issues in that relationship that were bogus. I only moved in with him because he didn't want to deal with my mother (whom I lived with at the time).
I take responsibility for my cheating. If I could do it over, I would have been up front. Fear and wussy-dom got the better of me (I was afraid of him) and I pussed out. Yes, shame on me. But that was 13 years ago.
I've often wondered about htis:if fear was a factor i.e the guy is an abuser,wouldn't cheating inflame things and make him even scarier.
In all honesty, it seems to me that your affair, that girl, was not so mucha bout fear, but more about revenge.
And, since i was not there, I have no idea if it was justified. The guy may very well have been as you describe him(but, Ithink many of us have seen how the need to justify plays into the accuracy in these descriptions).
Regardless, I think just about every affair, a man's or woman's, has a large component of aggression and revenge.
I've often wondered about htis:if fear was a factor i.e the guy is an abuser,wouldn't cheating inflame things and make him even scarier.
In all honesty, it seems to me that your affair, that girl, was not so mucha bout fear, but more about revenge.
And, since i was not there, I have no idea if it was justified. The guy may very well have been as you describe him(but, Ithink many of us have seen how the need to justify plays into the accuracy in these descriptions).
Regardless, I think just about every affair, a man's or woman's, has a large component of aggression and revenge.
In all honesty, revenge was not part of it. We had a mutual friend. I met both men on the same night. We were all friends for a few years. I got pregnant by one, the other remained a friend. NOTHING happened for 2 years with this friend. When **** hit the fan with my mate, I went out for a drive and stopped for some coffee and friend was there. We talked. Emotional affair started. He is not proud of this either. My mate would push me on our friend..."Go hang out with N because I'm busy." Ok. So I did. And it went on for 2 months before mate suspected EA. He asked me about it and I told him it was true. I didn't lie about that.
I promise that I am not exaggerating my fear. He was an emotional abuser, never hit me, but I feared he would one day because of his yelling and "in my face" behaviour. I was trying to save up enough money (just started teaching) so I could move out. He supported me and our daughter (even though he kept a tab so I could pay him back one day )
I don't know if he's a bad man. I never really knew him. Sad, no? We have a child together and I don't know him any better than I did when we met. I was emotionally immature. He made it clear to me that I was not his equal intellectually so he would have other "friends" to fill that need.
The night he found out about the EA, the yelling was intense and things were thrown at me. I left with my daughter to friend's house and the next day I got a loan from my grandfather to get an apartment and that was that.
He and friend were friends well after all of this. They did their music together and I went on with my life after EA with friend stopped months later. There was never sex...just kissing and childish things like hand holding, etc. It's hard to explain.
I don't justify my EA with my mate's behaviour but it sure didn't keep me from doing it. At that point, I simply didn't care anymore. I had nothing left to give and he didn't want to work anything out. Oh, when i left, he promised me the world, but in later years admitted it was only a bruised ego that made him say all of that.
He and I are like family now. Brother and sister. He dropped the ball in fatherhood and daughter decided to move in with me full time.
So, that's my nutshell. lol. My one and only instance with cheating. i saw the devastation it could cause in my life (I really didn't like myself for it)and learned my lesson. I don't think it caused him any problems. When I met him he was a happy single man who stated he'd never settle down and he is still a happy single man who isn't settled down.
Oh, I thought you said that most women cheat because they ARE being treated horribly. I'll check that portion of my vows re the dispenation should I feel mistreated.
There is no justifiable excuse for cheating, but I notice that in too many cases where I've known marriages where cheating was involved, the vows only suddenly get brought up after the spouse has cheated. What about before, though? There are men who feel trapped in a relationship where their sexual needs no longer seem to matter. Women who live with cold emotional absences of their husband's partnership. None of this justifies cheating, but it sure would've been nice if they thought about the vows earlier? The part about loving and cherishing.
In my opinion, That-girl was treated horribly. Takes a lot of courage to admit the circumstances that have shaped her into the person she is.
It really doesn't solve anything, in my opinion, to judge her for something that really left painful memories of abuse and hurt.
There is no justifiable excuse for cheating, but I notice that in too many cases where I've known marriages where cheating was involved, the vows only suddenly get brought up after the spouse has cheated. What about before, though? There are men who feel trapped in a relationship where their sexual needs no longer seem to matter. Women who live with cold emotional absences of their husband's partnership. None of this justifies cheating, but it sure would've been nice if they thought about the vows earlier? The part about loving and cherishing.
In my opinion, That-girl was treated horribly. Takes a lot of courage to admit the circumstances that have shaped her into the person she is.
It really doesn't solve anything, in my opinion, to judge her for something that really left painful memories of abuse and hurt.
Like I said, women get support after having an affair. Posted via Mobile Device
I think the operative word is "feel" trapped, Halien. In this day and age, any halfway bright adult knows that divorce is easily accessible.
And, on the women being emotionally neglected or the men sexually starved, those are stereotypes. It could very well be the reverse, as many women are starved for sex and men emotionally neglelcted.
But, like I said, there is a simple, honorable solution-divorce. If someone does not feel loved or cherished, there is no good reason they choose cheating over divorce. And, in many cases , the person feeling this way was probably just as guilty, if not moreso, of failing to love and cherish before he or she cheated. It's just with the difficulty they have facing who they are and what they did, the relationship history is , often, rewritten.
Like I said, women get support after having an affair. Posted via Mobile Device
No, if a man on this site was being attacked just so a poster could feel better because their own wife cheated, I would've said the same thing. There is no place for bullies or personal attacks on a site like this, with a deeply personal situation, if the person being attacked says repeatedly that she didn't wish to discuss the details. You just seem to take a stance that a woman should describe an affair in black and white rational thinking that men use, and feel no discomfort with telling anyone who asks about the own inner guilt they feel. When you say that you've never heard a woman say that what she did was wrong, instead of assuming that they feel no wrong, there is the other option that it is too personal to discuss with a casual acquantance, unlike how men communicate.
Re: What % of Wives Cheat? 
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