I am new to this forum. I generally don't frequent forums like this, but I'm having some difficulties in my marriage and I need to talk to someone semi-anonymously.
Some background:
Me:
I tend to be very introverted. My world consists of my work (which I love!), my cats, "Alex," his friends and family, and my family.
I consider some of my coworkers friends, I don't really have any "outside" friends other than Alex's.
I also consider Alex's sister a friend, but there are 12 years in between us in age, and she has a teenage son, so sometimes I don't feel "on the same plane" as her.
As a child, I was always the kid that everyone picked on. I never really developed any close friendships with anybody at my school (except for my friendship I mention below).
The first and last "close friendship" I had with a girl developed into something very controlling and awful. We were friends from middle school through high school, but she wanted to be my "only" friend, starting rumors and dividing me from my other classmates. I don't know why I put up with it, perhaps I felt I only needed one friend (I thought that), but when I started to mature and realized that what she was doing was wrong, I parted ways with her. My parents occasionally get Christmas Cards from her asking for my contact information.
My following friendships were all with guys, but now that I look back, they were more pseudo-romantic than platonic. I kept trying to turn them into my boyfriend, and they all eventually distanced themselves from me until I met Alex.
I am an only child. My mother had me late in her child bearing years (at least in the 70's). I was a very clingy child, who refused to sleep in my own bed. They often tried breaking me of the habit, but always found me sleeping in the hall outside their room. My mom had an alcohol problem, and drank until about 10 years ago, when she had a very serious health problem related to her drinking. She stopped "cold turkey" with help of medicine to prevent DTs. She is also very religious (Roman Catholic), and when she was drunk, she often bullied me into talking about God and religion at bedtime (I often cried to my dad to make her leave me alone because I was sleepy).
Things are better with her now that she is sober, but her strong religious values sometimes cause tension between us.
I have always looked up to my dad. He is my hero and I respect him greatly. He always put my mom's and my needs over his. Truly dedicated and hard working.
I consider my writing skills as one of my strengths. I can communicate very well in writing (at least, I think I do) and in visual (painting, drawing, etc.).
I am really bad at verbally communicating things - not that I have any particular impediment or disability, things just never come out right... like my brain thinks things, but my mouth can't keep up. Sometimes I just keep my mouth shut when I shouldn't.
I have a BS Degree in Geography. I am a cartographer and I thoroughly enjoy my job.
I enjoy reading, trying new recipes, philosophy... I would like to paint again someday when I have time... I'd also like to write a book someday.
I follow politics. I consider myself a moderate. I don't think either the Democrats or the Republicans own the monopoly of good and or bad ideas. I love watching debates and understanding where each ideology is coming from.
Some of my favorite television shows are: Heroes, NCIS, Ghost Whisperer, Numbers, Criminal Minds, anything on the Discovery Channel, Food Network or History Channel.
I am a spiritual person (not religious). I feel we are all connected. I believe in an afterlife, souls, auras, spirits and in a supreme deity (I believe that "God" is everything to everyone - no matter how one interprets God: Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, Wiccan, etc.)
I'm an oenophile, I enjoy tasting different wines. My favorites are Old Vine Zinfandels and Pinot Noirs. I love trying wines from different regions... and varietals that are new to me.
I consider myself very easy going. I don't get too harried by stressful situations... outwardly, at least. I keep trying to meditate, but I always seem to not have enough time.
I am very proud of my new house. Alex and I have owned it for a little over a year. It is a new build, a little in the middle of nowhere. We've been struggling with finances, so I haven't been able to decorate as much as I would like, but I'm hopeful things will get easier in time.
We have no children, in fact, this bullet is an afterthought for me because I'm sure it will be asked. I am a career gal, and I don't really want any children. Alex doesn't want children either. We have four cats instead.
"Alex":
Alex is very outgoing, my opposite. I've always used his personality to "vicariously" have friends. I know they are my friends too, but we don't communicate other when it's Alex and me.
Alex is very smart, but went to trade school instead of college. He is a whiz at anything technical... cars, electronics, home repair...
Alex is a very talented musician.
As a child, Alex was diagnosed with ADHD. He was put on a very strong dosage of Ritalin when young. He attributes his "personality defects" as side effects of the medicine: Sleeplessness, Mood Swings, Depression, Defensiveness, Anger, Poor Self Image...
Alex is a very nice person, who is kind to animals and helps out strangers when he can. Sounds sort of opposite of my previous bullet, but he a nice guy, but he doesn't handle stress, disappointment, adversity or competition well... those usually bring out the worst in him.
Alex is the youngest of five, but there are ten years between his next oldest brother and him, so he is sort of an only child.
Alex is very stubborn. He is also very argumentative and argues about just about everything with almost everyone. He doesn't understand "Let bygones be bygones." He'll "debate" until the other person walks away.
Often, Alex will help people, but those people always seem to leave him high and dry when he needs them. This happens over and over again. He will not say "No," or stand up to the people who take advantange of him.
Alex would never hit me, or act in a violent manner towards me. He is honest (too honest a lot of times), and faithful. Sometimes he gets loud and throws tantrums, which can be very scary for a big guy as he is.
Alex has a very bad habit of leaving lights on, not closing doors, not flushing toilets (ew!), not putting things away, etc. He is very forgetful, maybe related to his ADHD?
Alex's parents are old enough to be our grandparents and are very old fashioned, I guess they intilled a few of their values into Alex.
Alex follows politics as well, but he is a staunch Republican.
Alex is not religious. He was raised Catholic, but now has doubts about there being an afterlife or a supreme being.
Alex needs to be in contact with the world at all times. He hates to sleep and often does not get enough rest. He is constantly watching cable news or is reading online news on his PDA. If he forgets his phone, he will turn around and go back home to get it - even if we have already reached our destination!
Us:
Alex and I have been together since 1997, and have been married for a little over a year.
We have lived together for almost three years now, first, we got an apartment, and then bought a house.
Welcome, Peridot! We enjoy the same things: Reading, philosophy, new recipes & wine I could have written this about myself:
"I am really bad at verbally communicating things - not that I have any particular impediment or disability, things just never come out right... like my brain thinks things, but my mouth can't keep up. Sometimes I just keep my mouth shut when I shouldn't. "
I have read what you have posted so far with interest. (Hmm - maybe you should come to Australia and take a walk with my sons and me and explain the layers at Monavale beach where the headland is crumbling and fossels can be picked up - it's like walking through a Natural history museum but nothing is labelled! but I guess that's more geology than geography)
What you describe of Alex sounds like bits of my husband, and my youngest son who will be assessed by a psychologist on 21st Jan for possible Autism Spectrum Disorder - we are talking high functioning Aspergers here.
As for the ADHD, is he still on medication for it? I am wondering if there really is an attention deficit or if he is only attentive to things that interest him? My youngest son's teachers complain about his inattention in class, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with the child's ability to pay attention to computer games and TV programmes for hours on end. This rules out attention deficit. I suspect the same holds true for an adult with similar issues.
I would suggest doing a bit of an internet search and look at the indications for Aspergers. One of the mothers at my son's school has a child with both ADHD and Aspergers.
Of course, bear in mind that this is a spectrum disorder - so different people have diffeerent combinations and degrees of symptomatic behavior - that inability to interpret social cues is a biggy though.
Welcome, Peridot! We enjoy the same things: Reading, philosophy, new recipes & wine I could have written this about myself:
"I am really bad at verbally communicating things - not that I have any particular impediment or disability, things just never come out right... like my brain thinks things, but my mouth can't keep up. Sometimes I just keep my mouth shut when I shouldn't. "
What sorts of problems have you been having?
I am a very detail oriented and sequential minded person. I like to give complete descriptions of things, events, etc... especially when they excite or irritate me. Amazingly I'm not THAT organized.... I always start out neat, but if the order gets screwed up, heh, I lose interest until it gets so disorganized I can't stand it and start over again. lol...
It's like that with things, but it is also a lot how my mind works too in a way.
When I talk to Alex about my day, or an idea I have, I like to give a lot of details... I've already worked and reworked the idea in my mind, but often I get interrupted by him, or something because it takes me so darn long to say it. Sometimes I'll go back to the last part of the story just to get situated again, but this annoys him and he stops listening... he insists I should try to summarize, dumb it down, but he wants it so abbreviated, it loses any meaning to me and I've lost the joy in telling the story.
I think that is really my problem... sometimes I have difficulty describing something and I really stumble over words looking for the right one. Most of the time I don't have problems with this, mind you... I can convey complicated concepts in my field very eloquently, but as soon as I'm out of my "element," President Bush sounds like a gifted orator.
I have a similar problem when confronted with on the spot questions that are difficult to answer. I usually clam up, mind racing to organize my thoughts. Most of the time, this Alex and I are already in a disagreement and my 'silence' or extended pause upsets him even more.
When I do blurt out answers, they usually come off really bad, sarcastic, even mean, usually out of anger or frustration and it escalates the problem even more. Sometimes, I'd rather stay quiet.
I have read what you have posted so far with interest. (Hmm - maybe you should come to Australia and take a walk with my sons and me and explain the layers at Monavale beach where the headland is crumbling and fossels can be picked up - it's like walking through a Natural history museum but nothing is labelled! but I guess that's more geology than geography)
I had a little bit of geomorphology (which is the study of landforms and processes that shaped them), but I have to admit, I've forgotten most of what I've learned in college already.
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What you describe of Alex sounds like bits of my husband, and my youngest son who will be assessed by a psychologist on 21st Jan for possible Autism Spectrum Disorder - we are talking high functioning Aspergers here.
Fascinating. Alex claims to be "patient zero" in the ADHD trials when he was a child. It could be a misdiagnosis considering the whole ADHD concept was new. I'm certainly no psychiatrist, so I can't say, but reading the general description of Aspergers, sort of reminds me of Alex... he doesn't exhibit clumsiness or monotonic speech patterns, though I don't know if NOT exhibiting those symptoms would exclude him from having the disorder.
He also tested very high on IQ tests given to him during this time: 170.
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As for the ADHD, is he still on medication for it? I am wondering if there really is an attention deficit or if he is only attentive to things that interest him? My youngest son's teachers complain about his inattention in class, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with the child's ability to pay attention to computer games and TV programmes for hours on end. This rules out attention deficit. I suspect the same holds true for an adult with similar issues.
He says he received counseling that allowed him to practice focusing on things if he needed to. Even though, he was an average student in grade school and high school... often nearly failing the course and then swooping in with a perfect score on the final to bring his grade above passing.
He graduated "Valedictorian" at his trade school in his mid-twenties with a near perfect score (he did not pass one class with an average below 97%). So he can concentrate when he wants to.
He is not on any medication, and hasn't been since I've known him. However, lately he's been talking about talking to a doctor about perhaps restarting Ritalin or something of that nature. He claims he hasn't had the level of clarity as he had when he was going to the trade school and he attributes that lucidity with having regular access to ephedra because its stimulant properties. (There was a while he was working and going to school and he drank a lot of energy drinks with ephedrine in them. When ephedrine was banned, it was taken out of the energy drink formula.)
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I would suggest doing a bit of an internet search and look at the indications for Aspergers. One of the mothers at my son's school has a child with both ADHD and Aspergers.
Of course, bear in mind that this is a spectrum disorder - so different people have diffeerent combinations and degrees of symptomatic behavior - that inability to interpret social cues is a biggy though.
Thank you!!! I will do a little research on this and mention it... he has been having an awful time lately (and has been taking it out on me).
It's funny, in a lot of ways, I'm like Alex (although I'm not competitive, am a "neat freak" and hate confrontation). I'm easily bored with details and usually just want the punchline. Although, most people would consider me very polite when they meet me. I have lots of friends and am typically pretty social. However, I like to decompress after being in large crowds (not my thing). I much prefer one-on-one conversations with different people. I often lack focus. I jump from one project to the next. I constantly have to be doing something. I'm very much type A. My husband is much more laid back like you. I think if makes for a good balance. I'd say were very compatible intellectually.
I say all that to tell you that he doesn't cut you off because he's not interested in you. It's just a personality difference. I try hear people out, but they often pick up on my wriggling when things get long-winded. I hate that I'm that way. I wish I could take more time on occasion. I guess there are always so many things in the back of my mind involving what I could be getting done at the moment. I feel compelled to fill every moment with something.
Yeah, I can relate to Alex. Don't see the differences as superior/inferior. If you look at the differences as a good thing in terms of how you offset each other, you'll see things in a new light.
Out of curiousity, is Alex very caring about others' feelings and, in turn, thin-skinned himself?
He is very thin skinned. There are times where I don't do anything wrong, at least I don't think any other person would think I did anything wrong, but he still acts affronted (and holds onto grudges!)
There are days where the "whoa is me" factor is very strong and I have to tiptoe to keep from getting into either an argument or a pity party.
I know he wants to care about other people's feelings, and he tries to, but he gets so wrapped up in his own concerns, they take a back seat.
Does that make any sense?
Also, one thing after I reread your post. I know introversion and extroversion are not inferior/superior. Try telling him that! He thinks that I am a "hermit" and that I have some type of social fear disorder. All because I don't like turning my cell phone on (I really hate cell phones!!!). Considering he won't leave the room without his cell, I guess I'm not surprised... Seriously, I have pulled up articles on introverts and he goes off and says that it's bunk or excuse for abnormal behavior. His reaction was almost comical, except for the fact that I think he really meant it!
Let me introduce myself (and my husband)... 
I could have written this about myself:
He thinks that I am a "hermit" and that I have some type of social fear disorder. All because I don't like turning my cell phone on (I really hate cell phones!!!). Considering he won't leave the room without his cell, I guess I'm not surprised... Seriously, I have pulled up articles on introverts and he goes off and says that it's bunk or excuse for abnormal behavior. His reaction was almost comical, except for the fact that I think he really meant it!
