Should I talk to him about engagement?
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Old 11-12-2011, 01:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Hi ladies,

I'm a 21 year old senior in college (graduating in May) and my boyfriend and I have been together for 7 & a half years (since our freshman year of high school). He's 22 and graduates December of 2012, as his program requires an extra semester. He's gotten to where he'll tell me that "I'm definitely going to be his first wife" (jokingly, of course) and I know that he knows that we're going to get married at some point (the promise/commitment is there), but I'm starting to get a little impatient. I feel bad being so impatient since I know that he has a couple of semesters longer in college than I do and he's said in the past that he wants to wait until after college to get engaged, if then. He's hinted that he's worried about the money aspect of it all (I guess wanting to wait until he can afford the best ring for me), but I've looked online and found rings that I LOVE for less than $1000 and have payment plan options with their credit card (such as the Kay Jewelers credit card). I don't want to push engagement and getting married, but since we have been together for so long, I'm ready to take the next step. Granted, we are moving in together in August and truly, I should be satisfied with that as our "next step." We haven't really had a serious conversation about marriage and I'm not sure if I should bring it up or not because I don't want to appear too impatient. But we're at that point in our lives where our friends are starting to get engaged and I'm starting to feel like we should be too. I occasionally make little hints like "Oh look, so & so got engaged!" or "Oh, I definitely want this for my wedding," just little things like that, but I just don't really think that's enough. Should I bring up the topic of getting engaged or should I just be happy that we are in a really good place in our relationship? If I should bring it up, do you have any tips for talking about marriage with him?

Thanks,
TexasGirl
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Old 11-12-2011, 02:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I talk to him about engagement?

Seniors in college... think they must get married. They dont.

Get a job. Live life. On your own. Mature. He is 22 and still a boy. Men grow up far too slow in the age of video games. Wait to see how you both turn out before you get married just to check off the box that follows graduate college. Your friends are sheep. Don't follow them. Marriage is hard work. It isn't about what you want at your wedding. That is a blip in your life. When you realize that, perhaps then you will be ready for marriage.

But big truth : if you want to get married, do not live with him. He will have less reason to want to. And why should he? He will have the benefits of a wife without the commitment. so if you insist on wanting marriage tell him it is marriage or you will happily live on your own. That cow/milk thing is no joke. Too many girls think that marriage is the natural progression from cohabitation and it isn't necessarily the case. Watch the excuses mount. Money. Job. Better apartment. House. New job. Grad school. Money.

Past that, if a guy has doubts, heed them. Pushing anyone into marriage is produces a built in excuse of - I told you I didn't want to get married and x and y are your fault.
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Old 11-12-2011, 03:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I talk to him about engagement?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ClipClop View Post
That cow/milk thing is no joke. Too many girls think that marriage is the natural progression from cohabitation and it isn't necessarily the case. Watch the excuses mount. Money. Job. Better apartment. House. New job. Grad school. Money.

Past that, if a guy has doubts, heed them. Pushing anyone into marriage produces a built in excuse of - I told you I didn't want to get married and x and y are your fault.
I am kinda Old fashioned in this personally , I don't feel a woman should ever push -for an engagement or marraige , but she has the right to NOT do certain things, so the man will then WANT to take that next "honorable" step.

In a way -it is a test, to see where his priorities fall. If you would rather be at least engaged BEOFRE You move in, I wouldn't move in. Or you desire even a wedding date planned and in the making before you move in, then wait until that comes to fruition.

He may not like it-- the change of plans but it may also make him think a little harder about his priorities. Sometimes when someone takes a step back, it causes the other to take a step forward.


How will you feel if you move in and still he does nothing, says nothing, no matter how many hints you throw about others up & coming engagements?


You mention getting a ring on a Credit card, and his making comments about worrying about the money aspect of this.

How does he handle finances? Not all men want to live off of credit card debt -for most of their purchases. Frankly, I wouldn't even allow my husband to do that . I would rather go into a marraige with a cubic Zirconia than a beautiful ring that would end up costing 5 times more because we purchased it on credit.

Are you sure you & he are on the same page on how you deal with money? Maybe he wants /insists on paying cash before he buys your ring. If these are his reasons, focus the most on you both getting decent jobs and paying your debts off , getting in a good place financially, this will ease his stress and if you are truly the one, he will be ready earlier to commit -feeling he is able to afford it .

The financial is a very very important part of marraige. In fact the #2 reason for Divorce- when husbands & wives are not on the same page.
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Old 11-12-2011, 04:12 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I talk to him about engagement?

If you look back at yourself in highschool, you probably feel like you're a completely different person now, as a senior in college. I'm sure you recognize that you were probably not very mature at that time, and understand why it is often a risky decision or mistake when people marry at 18 years old.

Well, guess what? After you have graduated and been working for a few years, and you look back at yourself as a college senior, you will be amazed at how immature you were and how little you understood about life. You will feel like you were a completely different person back then.


Trust me. I don't mean like you will feel this way when you are 50 or 60. I mean I feel this way and I am 25.

PS -- Not to be mean, but speaking from a man's perspective, I would never buy a wedding ring if I had to use a payment plan. Further, if it's less than $1000 and you still need a payment plan, you really don't need to be buying it.
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Old 11-12-2011, 04:43 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I talk to him about engagement?

I agree with all of these posters.

There is no rush. If your friends are getting engaged, then be happy for them (even though it's kinda too early for them as well) and don't make it a competition. An engagement is for a marriage, not just a wedding.

Take your time and discover who you are. You will change so much from now until 25...so much.

Don't talk about engagement. Let him get there on his own. You may be impatient but remember the good things you have in life and enjoy them while building your career.

Edit to add: The price of the engagement ring doesn't matter. Our wedding bands were 20 bucks a piece. lol. We didn't want to spend a lot of money as we were saving for a house. It didn't make our marriage seem any less real or important.

And yes, don't act like a wife until you ARE a wife.
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Old 11-12-2011, 04:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I talk to him about engagement?

All of you have really good points. Definitely some food for thought. Thanks for your insight!
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Old 11-12-2011, 04:56 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I talk to him about engagement?

And just wait...your friends who are getting married now, will probably be getting divorced around the time you decide to get married, if you wait.
Not all your friends, but many. It happened to me. It seemed like ALL my friends were getting married the few years after college. I wasn't even close to marriage...I got married at 33. But, when i was married, those friends were divorced and on 2nd marriages. So...yea.
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