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Hello TAM

16K views 157 replies 40 participants last post by  jld 
#1 ·
Hi everyone. I thought I'd stop by with an update...

I'm divorced now from my second husband (the one I talked about at TAM when I was frequently posting here). The divorce was final in December 2015. It was the most difficult decision either of us have ever had to make. We still love each other...but we had to get to the point where we loved each other enough to set each other free.

I struggled a lot with the emotional impact of that decision, for quite a few months (both before and after the divorce was actually final).

Now he and I have emerged from all of that and are good friends. We see each other and talk frequently and have helped each other through this to the other side. It feels really good to be healthy enough now to cherish his friendship yet not want to be married to him or be with him romantically any longer.

In June, I started seeing a new guy. Things have been very nice with him, we are having a lot of fun, getting to know each other, and getting to experience that warm, fuzzy new boyfriend/girlfriend vibe.

The new boyfriend senses a threat from the ex-husband, so I have minimized my interactions with the ex-husband....because I totally get why the new boyfriend would have a problem with us hanging out together anymore.

I do not ever want to be legally married again (because then I can never be divorced again :( ) but I do think the new boyfriend might want that. I'm discussing things like this with him now so as not to lead him down any path with me that doesn't head to where he wants to go.

I did have quite a fun ride in dating before I met this guy...that helped me along also. I always enjoyed dating, and this go-round was no exception.

Anyway, just thought I'd stop in and say hello.....hello, TAM.
 
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#2 ·
Hey girl, glad to hear you're doing well!

So sorry about your divorce, I'm sure it was a tough decision.

Might I recommend you not completely close the door on remarriage? Never is a long time and it's not been that long since your divorce.

Maybe you'll still feel like that down the road, I'm only my suggesting you keep an open mind. If you ever get to the point where you're ready you'll know.
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#11 ·
Might I recommend you not completely close the door on remarriage? Never is a long time and it's not been that long since your divorce.

Maybe you'll still feel like that down the road, I'm only my suggesting you keep an open mind. If you ever get to the point where you're ready you'll know.
I agree... took me three to get it right.
 
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#3 ·
Thanks Life. That was my 2nd marriage, however. So I already took that gamble you are speaking of, and it ended in D. I can't do that a 3rd time. The stats on 3rd marriages ending in divorce are so ridiculously high, I can't believe anyone does it.

However...I still believe in marriage and respect everyone who is married...it is not the institution of marriage that caused me to be divorced twice. It is/was my own choices.

Having learned this finally, clearly no one should ever marry me! :)

The fact that anyone would even want to is sort of perplexing to me. I really just have no need to merge like that. But it is a sweet romantic notion for many people. Including my boyfriend. :eek:

Nice to hear from you, Life.
 
#37 ·
I'm with you on that! If I were ever to get divorced again, I likely wouldn't remarry for a third time. Been there, done that. There's just something about saying "my third husband/wife" that doesn't sound right!

Welcome back. I missed your feistiness!
 
#6 ·
Hello Sweetheart

great to see you here but I'm sorry to hear of the rough ride.

Don't get too tangled in thoughts of marriage or not, it is way too soon. Live your life, enjoy your new man and give it a few years before making any decisions. Marriage is not the be all and end all anyway. MrH and I are at around the 5 year mark and not legally married (defacto so under the law it is the same as married). We will marry in a couple of years when most of the kids are finished Secondary College. If we get to that point and don't want to put pen to paper then we won't.

Now get in there and kick some arse on the TAM threads >:)
 
#8 ·
Thanks everyone! :x

Holland, you are 100% correct that it is too soon to Talk About Marriage (he he, see what I did there?). He's the one who brought it up by making it clear that is ultimately what he wants in a relationship eventually...so I had to respond to this right upfront so he would not be misled.

Not sure about kicking ass on any threads...I just feel so mellow and peaceful these days that I don't seem to have the energy to pursue those topics anymore. Though I did leave a snark bomb on the latest RP thread...I mean, obvi I had to do that one. :p

Thanks again everyone.
 
#14 ·
This is a shock to me.

IIRC you tried living in separate homes for a while? Did this work? Or did it make drifting apart more inevitable?

Is it because of your bisexuality? He knew about this; but maybe wasn't completely comfortable.....is that right?

Whenever I would see a post from you, I would think, "this is from a person who knows how to make marriage work."

I'm not holding you to a higher standard than anyone else who can have an ultimate breakdown in their marriage. But I'm as disappointed as I can be, over the relationship status of an internet stranger.

How can you still love him, and get divorced?:confused: I don't understand. My husband and I used to say to each other; "if we ever split up, let's do it before we completely hate each other" Is is like that? Did you guys get out before things got much, much worse? Remember that old Rita Coolidge song, "I'd Rather Leave When I'm In Love", that expresses it pretty well.

Maybe you don't want to share the nitty-gritty details; I ask because you put it out there. But I understand if it's too private (we can't delete posts anymore, btw).

I'm a little embarrassed to say the thought of you has crossed my mind every once in a great while when I'm not on TAM; like maybe watching Portlandia :)

I am glad you are back and hope the best for your future.

And you will always have to beat men off with sticks when you genuinely put out an, "I'm not interested in marriage" vibe.
 
#20 ·
Notmyname...your post really touched me. I really wanted to respond...though it is very difficult (because it still hurts very much).

Basically the reason we finally threw in the towel was because we knew we both need and deserve more than we can give to each other. We had tried for over a decade to smooth out the bumps in the fabric of our relationship, and there were just some core personality traits that we each have that cannot and will not ever mesh well with each other. While we could side step the issues caused by our personality mismatch most of the time, the times we couldn't would simply bring out the worst of each of us and put us in conflict every time. After finally admitting to ourselves that this is not something we can change...we finally agreed to split for "reals" (ie: divorce).

For about a year, we tried living separately to see if this would solve our core personality conflict problem. It did work to some extent, and I actually think he could have continued to live that way and stay married...but ultimately, I wanted more contact, the kind that only comes by being physically present with each other.

It was an agonizing decision, but we knew it had to be done in order for us to seek our happiness. We still struggle emotionally when we see each other, and we have to be very diligent to not fall into each other's arms...because we both know that will just hurt even more. We are pretty good at this though, and up until I met my new guy, we would see each other fairly frequently, eat and drink, laugh and talk, and even went away together to the beach for a weekend (in a 2 bedroom condo).

None of the decision had anything to do with my bisexuality.

Now that I've met someone new...I can say I don't feel "in love" with my ex anymore, though I do still love him dearly. Up until I started seeing my boyfriend, if my ex had said "let's try one more time!" I probably would have. But I know it would not have worked and would have simply led to even more pain. So I'm glad we just did what we needed to do and are moving on now as best we can.

My new guy would not like it for my ex and I to hang out together anymore...so I have to have that conversation with my ex. He will totally understand and as my friend will take a step back. My new guy will and does trust me, but he can sense the deep bond my ex and I have and it makes him uncomfortable (of course, and I am not asking him to feel otherwise, I will do the right thing and be a good girlfriend).

Heartsbeating asked about my mom....she has been living with me for a little over a year now. She is doing ok, but her health is declining, as was expected. We are having a good time, we know time is short and precious, and we celebrate every moment of it we can. She likes my new boyfriend, which is good because that is very important to me.

We are now moving into a larger place so that my boyfriend and I can have a little more privacy when he comes over.

Oddly enough, my bf also has his mother living with him...plus 2 teenaged kids. (My kids are adults, they both live in Portland near me and I have 2 grandkids by one of them).

The teenaged kids are self-sufficient pretty much, so when he and I are discussing our plans and dates, we have to figure out "what to do with our moms" rather than "what to do with our kids". Its kind of cute. But also...kind of daunting, because our moms are both going to continue to decline and become more dependent on us, not less. :(

But I would not have her anywhere but with me, and he feels the same about his mom.

Oh and the last thing I wanted to comment on...so true that when you genuinely don't want to get married, the ones who do want to be married find you like there is a target on your head! So odd!

Thank you again for your kind thoughts and words, notmyname.
 
#15 ·
I'm really sorry to hear this. I can only imagine how painful this has been for both of you.

What you said about loving each other enough to free each other is beautiful, and true, and a very courageous thing to do.

I hope your boyfriend can find a way to honor the relationship you and your ex have built, while also building a new relationship with you. His understanding and patience could ease the transition.

Again, just so sorry. You are right to have ended it, but it has all had to have been very painful, very challenging. So very, very sorry, FW.
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#16 ·
I've certainly wondered from time to time.. where is that FW ? You've certainly challenged my thinking in some areas over the years...I know we come from 2 different sides of the tracks..but still...you've always been Kind to me, which I appreciate... and I respect your knowledge, and sharing it.....

I can understand why the new guy wouldn't be very comfortable with your being close friends with the EX ...especially if he knew the name of your Blog !! I googled it just now... can't find it.. I assume you've taken it down..

Have you shared with him your popularity on the internet in this area of expertise? Does he know who he is dating ??

I know how badly you wanted this marriage to last, this to be it... all the work you put into it with scouring the Marriage Builders website.. you were the 1st who got me clicking on a "Dr Harley" link even... I was impressed with your determination -despite some of the things you & he struggled with...

With the dust settling... would you say it was just a case of "Incompatibility" on too many fronts then ?

I am one who feels that's often just too difficult to overcome, even with the best of intentions.. how we are wired just gets in the way. Happiness is important.. so here's to your happiness..
...

I like that you said you "still believe in marriage" -respecting it, even if it's not something you can see yourself doing again....

So the new guy cares to be married.. making it official when he's in love.. awe...sounds like a catch! (I would say that, right!)... hoping this won't be the deal breaker if you are compatible in the ways that matter the most.. It's so early though ... take it slow...

And Welcome back !
 
#17 ·
Thank you for the support and well wishes everyone. I'm on my phone and can't quote and respond to everyone but I hope to circle back and do that soon.

Personal...thank you for inquiring about my ex-h and his well being. He is doing well in the big picture, but is/was devastated by our divorce, as was I. Everyone who knows us well has been shocked and saddened by our break up and they knew how in love we are and were. But we are doing ok now...our support of each other has been the reason we are ok now.

SA...those are good questions...about my blog and my online presence...and what my boyfriend knows or thinks about all of that. I have been telling him things as opportunity allows and when it seems appropriate to do so. It's a work in progress....so far he hasn't been too freaked out. He has some interesting and colorful stories too so we are a decent match for each other.

FF...boy do I have some good dating stories...whoooo wheee!!! Not a good place to share them at TAM though, I'll hit you up some other way.

Notmyrealname...I do want to respond to you as well...I will try to do that tomorrow but it might be via PM if that is ok.

Thanks again everyone!
 
#19 ·
Wow that's a fair amount of change in a relatively short period of time. It sounds like you are feeling upbeat which is good. You can't keep a good girl down! Keeping things simple and easing into this new relationship sounds wise.

I remember your mom was going to move in with you, how is she going?

It's good to see you back here.
 
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#21 ·
FW,

So glad you checked in with an update. I don't visit here very often anymore but have often wondered how you were doing. As you know I really enjoyed our virtual interactions. I too feel a heavy heart for you and your Ex. Your happiness was infectious when it was going well.

I did see your update when you decided to live separately and I thought maybe you two were the couple that could make that work. You have always been very pragmatic in matters of the heart and no matter how difficult the choice, you end up doing the right thing for yourself and others.

Me.. I'm still plugging along. Life is good. Some of the issues have smoothed out and I now just try to target the 80/20 rule as a marker for success. Oldest daughter recently married, 3 of 4 kids live near us now. Job is going well. Marriage overall is good. I'm that little bit older than you so all parents on both sides have passed.

I wish you every happiness in your journey.

Vorlon
 
#22 ·
FW,

So glad you checked in with an update. I don't visit here very often anymore but have often wondered how you were doing. As you know I really enjoyed our virtual interactions. I too feel a heavy heart for you and your Ex. Your happiness was infectious when it was going well.

I did see your update when you decided to live separately and I thought maybe you two were the couple that could make that work. You have always been very pragmatic in matters of the heart and no matter how difficult the choice, you end up doing the right thing for yourself and others.

Me.. I'm still plugging along. Life is good. Some of the issues have smoothed out and I now just try to target the 80/20 rule as a marker for success. Oldest daughter recently married, 3 of 4 kids live near us now. Job is going well. Marriage overall is good. I'm that little bit older than you so all parents on both sides have passed.

I wish you every happiness in your journey.

Vorlon
Thank you Vorlon....I have appreciated our support of each other over the years....I am happy you are doing well overall...thank you for the sweet compliment I bolded...I do love to spread happiness, and I have some to spare again now. :)
 
#23 ·
Welcome Back FW!!!! I have missed you so much! I have even tried to mention you in several threads over the last several months, but for some reason TAM changes your name to faithfulwife (no caps no space) every damn time! So I give up and just write your name.

I'm so sad to hear your marriage ended but I'm very glad to know you're having fun with a new boyfriend.

Taking care of your Mom and him taking care of his Mom....this will be a new scenario for TAM. I'm sure it will be very tricky.

I want to hear all the dating stories too!
 
#25 ·
I was just there! We rented an RV and took a tour of Oregon. Just got back last week. Loved it! I want to move to Bend. I want to live in the redwood forest. I do not want to live on the Oregon coast but think it is stunning and untamed and I want to become a forest ranger!
 
#32 ·
In June, I started seeing a new guy. Things have been very nice with him, we are having a lot of fun, getting to know each other, and getting to experience that warm, fuzzy new boyfriend/girlfriend vibe.
@Faithful Wife Your story haunted me in my sleep last night! I dreamed I was no longer with my wife and that I had a new girlfriend that was very into me with a fuzzy new girlfriend/boyfriend vibe. Fortunately I woke up before Anon Pink stepped into the scene rocking her park ranger hat and stole her away from me! It was probably headed that way because in my dream we were hiking outdoors!

OMG, I will probably dream about it again tonight... Perhaps I do need to let this dream play out and see where it goes!



Badsanta
 
#39 ·
Hell, let's just say what an absolute pleasure it would be for someone as good looking as that ravishing park ranger to slip a pair of handcuffs on, be they metal or fuzzy!

And I'd gladly confess to any crime that she charged me with!

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