Both of your husbands just seemed like sociopaths. I don't think anything either of you could have threatened would have made any difference. I'm so happy you both escaped (maybe this is a thing with husband caused sexless marriages; I'm pretty sure a higher percentage of men are sociopaths).
With similarly twisted wives, I'm sure that there's not much to be done there either.
If a marriage is sexless due to the woman, there's a feeling that it's more that she has a phobia regarding sex or is simply selfish and not convinced that sex is really all that important. I don't recall many sexless marriage stories from men with wives operating on your ex's levels (and, if they are, the sexless issue isn't the main problem).
Sociopath and Psychopath are what they used to call Cluster B personality disorders. When I say my ex had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, i am saying that he had quite a few psychopathic tendencies.
I tend to disagree, there are several men with stories like this on TAM. The only one I can think of off hand who has a partner that controls with withholding sex is Coppertop, but I know there are more. John117? Not to say that's the exclusive way that they attempt to steer the relationship, just the most often used. Many times that you see a long thread with someone who is described as BSC(bat sh!t crazy) you are looking at some kind of Personality disorder (PD). Women can control by ruining everything you like, just as a man could. Maybe worse, because they tend to stick around and influence the children more then their male counterparts.
I said it a few pages back i think, but i really do think sexlessness is a less common "punishment" by this kind of man. It's not really about sex, they take away what you care about. I cared about having a happy healthy relationship with physical touch and quality time. So, he made it so I couldn't have that.
When i moved out of our room, and told him i never wanted to have sex with him again, he flipped his entire MO.
Because after that, I was subjected to forced intimacy, sexual assault, and attempted rape.
I believe many relationships that are this way (a disordered man with a HD/AD woman), instead of ending up with a sexless relationship with a sexually disinterested man, end up being cheated on repeatedly instead. Only a certain kind of man doesn't care about sex enough for near celibacy. The ones who can't do without, punish by outsourcing sex and making sure you find out. That's also why my ex beat me so often in the beginning, before I told the families and created an immediate unpleasant consequence. Physically abusing someone with a physical touch love language is going to be particularly damaging. If they can't take away your heart's desire, they will ruin it.
My ex (after 8+ years with me of near sexlessness/withholding affection) as soon as I moved out he moved a new girl in and made sure i knew they were screwing all the time.
It was never about sex. Only control and punishment.
So, to sum up, this is only going to apply to a very small subset of women on this thread. There will be a few, i'm certain, but not most.