I would like this thread to be a resource for women who are in sexless, or near sexless marriages in which it is their husbands who don’t want sex. I’m hoping that women dealing with this issue will post and talk about what they are going through.
About 20% of marriages are sexless. A sexless marriage is defined as one in which the couple has sex 10 or fewer times a year.
We hear a lot about women withholding sex and thus making a marriage sexless, or near sexless. There is a lot of empathy/sympathy out there for men stuck in such a marriage.
What we don’t hear of much is that about half of the sexless marriages are due to the husband choosing to make the marriage sexless. We are fed the falsehood that all men want sex all the time. Well that’s just not so. Some men do not want sex all the time.
Women who are in sexless marriages due to their husband’s choice to make the marriage sexless often feel that they have nowhere to turn, no one to talk to. They are rightly concerned that they will be blamed. It’s all their fault. When a woman thinks that all men want sex all the time, in her mind she becomes the only married woman who is so undesirable that her husband will not touch her.
Women are only now starting to be open about this. Marriage counselors are finally starting to talk about how common the problem is.
If you are a woman in a sexless marriage because it’s your husband’s choice to make it sexless, you are far from alone. Many of us women out here have had the same issue. We are, or were, married to a man like your husband.
TAM is a good place to come for moral support and some good advice. But there is no way that we here on TAM can give you all the input and help you need to resolve this issue. There are some books that I think would go a long way to help you understand what is going on in your marriage and figure out ways to fix it if at all possible. Here are some good books that have helped a lot of women.
Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It
Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage
Sex-Starved Wives
The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire by Michele Weiner Davis
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
In some sexless marriages, the issue is denying sex to control their spouse. Here are some links if you think you might be experiencing this
Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity - The Somatic Narcissist, The Asexual Cerebral Narcissist, Extramarital Affairs, and Paraphilias
Sexual Attitudes of a Narcissist: Sex and the Narcissist - The Narcissistic Life
https://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-Sex-Starved-wife-12.html#post16762066
=========================================
=========================================
=========================================
Below is some info from the book "Why Men Stop Having Sex".
WHAT STOPS THE PASSION? Why do men stop having sex with their wives? The reason is seldom simple and may have a physiological, psychological, or cultural foundation; recent studies add a genetic component. Often these elements combine. We looked at the statistical reasons our male survey respondents, who self-identified as choosing not to have sex with their spouses, gave us for no longer being intimate, and we studied their comments carefully. Let’s first take a look at some statistics. We asked men to rate a list of reasons on a scale that went from strongly agree to strongly disagree. The following table lists in descending order the percentage of men who agreed with each of the causes.
%% WHY MEN SAID THEY STOPPED
68%……She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me.
61%……She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex.
48%……I am interested in sex with others, but not with my wife.
44%……I am angry at her.
41%……I’m bored.
40%……She is depressed.
38%……She has gained a significant amount of weight.
34%……I am depressed.
32%……I no longer find her physically attractive.
30%……I suffer from erectile dysfunction.
28%……I lost interest and I don’t know why.
25%……I prefer to masturbate, but not online.
25%……I prefer to watch pornography online and masturbate.
21%……I am on medication that lowered my libido.
20%……I am/was having an affair.
16%……I suffer from premature ejaculation.
15%……I have difficulty achieving orgasm.
14%……I am too tired.
09%……She is/was having an affair.
06%……I don’t have the time.
03%……I wasn’t interested in sex to begin with.
<1%……I am gay.
Although the men know (or at least think they know) the reasons for their voluntary celibacy but the women are only guessing, either way the situation is embarrassing and painful. It is therefore not surprising that both men and women agree most with statements that shift responsibility away from themselves. Indeed, men indicate a lack of sexual adventure (hers, not his) as primary. It is difficult to believe that this lack of erotic excitement is completely one-sided, and that these men who identify their wives as unadventurous are themselves imaginatively passionate guys, just somehow mysteriously unable to inspire the one woman they chose to marry. Both men and women agree most with statements that shift responsibility away from themselves. After all, they probably knew her acceptable level of tolerance for erotic exploration before the vows were exchanged. We suspect that boredom or other factors is closer to the truth, or they are confusing the pornography they see on DVDs or the Internet with reality.
Berkowitz, Bob; Yager-Berkowitz, Susan. He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It (pp. 13-15). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.
==============================================
Another thing that is becoming more and more of an issue is men who prefer to use porn to masturbate to instead of having sex with their wife (or significant other).
I've had discussions with women who say that their husband seldom has sex with them. Instead he uses port many times more in a month than he will have sex with her...if he will have sex with her at all. But she will make a strong point that her husband does not have a porn addition. I'm not sure if it matters one iota if we call it an addiction or not. He prefers to have sex with porn than with her. There is a reason and it needs to be addressed if the couple is ever going to have sex life. So label it addiction, or don't label it. It's all the same thing.
There are ways for men who use porn to the extent that it is hurting their marital sex life. There is a way to get the desire for their desire for their wife back.
This has become so common that there is now a lot of information about it available. If you search on "cure porn addiction", many sites will come up that talk about how to fix this.
Here is a site with a lot of info on this topic: Your Brain on Porn
.
About 20% of marriages are sexless. A sexless marriage is defined as one in which the couple has sex 10 or fewer times a year.
We hear a lot about women withholding sex and thus making a marriage sexless, or near sexless. There is a lot of empathy/sympathy out there for men stuck in such a marriage.
What we don’t hear of much is that about half of the sexless marriages are due to the husband choosing to make the marriage sexless. We are fed the falsehood that all men want sex all the time. Well that’s just not so. Some men do not want sex all the time.
Women who are in sexless marriages due to their husband’s choice to make the marriage sexless often feel that they have nowhere to turn, no one to talk to. They are rightly concerned that they will be blamed. It’s all their fault. When a woman thinks that all men want sex all the time, in her mind she becomes the only married woman who is so undesirable that her husband will not touch her.
Women are only now starting to be open about this. Marriage counselors are finally starting to talk about how common the problem is.
If you are a woman in a sexless marriage because it’s your husband’s choice to make it sexless, you are far from alone. Many of us women out here have had the same issue. We are, or were, married to a man like your husband.
TAM is a good place to come for moral support and some good advice. But there is no way that we here on TAM can give you all the input and help you need to resolve this issue. There are some books that I think would go a long way to help you understand what is going on in your marriage and figure out ways to fix it if at all possible. Here are some good books that have helped a lot of women.
Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It
Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage
Sex-Starved Wives
The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire by Michele Weiner Davis
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
In some sexless marriages, the issue is denying sex to control their spouse. Here are some links if you think you might be experiencing this
Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity - The Somatic Narcissist, The Asexual Cerebral Narcissist, Extramarital Affairs, and Paraphilias
Sexual Attitudes of a Narcissist: Sex and the Narcissist - The Narcissistic Life
https://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-Sex-Starved-wife-12.html#post16762066
=========================================
=========================================
=========================================
Below is some info from the book "Why Men Stop Having Sex".
WHAT STOPS THE PASSION? Why do men stop having sex with their wives? The reason is seldom simple and may have a physiological, psychological, or cultural foundation; recent studies add a genetic component. Often these elements combine. We looked at the statistical reasons our male survey respondents, who self-identified as choosing not to have sex with their spouses, gave us for no longer being intimate, and we studied their comments carefully. Let’s first take a look at some statistics. We asked men to rate a list of reasons on a scale that went from strongly agree to strongly disagree. The following table lists in descending order the percentage of men who agreed with each of the causes.
%% WHY MEN SAID THEY STOPPED
68%……She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me.
(This lack of newness, energy, and emotion translates for many men into a lack of adventure and sexual enjoyment on the part of their partners, transferring the problem and ignoring the fact that they [the men] are not bringing any originality to bed, either.)
61%……She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex.
48%……I am interested in sex with others, but not with my wife.
44%……I am angry at her.
41%……I’m bored.
40%……She is depressed.
38%……She has gained a significant amount of weight.
34%……I am depressed.
32%……I no longer find her physically attractive.
30%……I suffer from erectile dysfunction.
28%……I lost interest and I don’t know why.
25%……I prefer to masturbate, but not online.
25%……I prefer to watch pornography online and masturbate.
21%……I am on medication that lowered my libido.
20%……I am/was having an affair.
16%……I suffer from premature ejaculation.
15%……I have difficulty achieving orgasm.
14%……I am too tired.
09%……She is/was having an affair.
06%……I don’t have the time.
03%……I wasn’t interested in sex to begin with.
<1%……I am gay.
Although the men know (or at least think they know) the reasons for their voluntary celibacy but the women are only guessing, either way the situation is embarrassing and painful. It is therefore not surprising that both men and women agree most with statements that shift responsibility away from themselves. Indeed, men indicate a lack of sexual adventure (hers, not his) as primary. It is difficult to believe that this lack of erotic excitement is completely one-sided, and that these men who identify their wives as unadventurous are themselves imaginatively passionate guys, just somehow mysteriously unable to inspire the one woman they chose to marry. Both men and women agree most with statements that shift responsibility away from themselves. After all, they probably knew her acceptable level of tolerance for erotic exploration before the vows were exchanged. We suspect that boredom or other factors is closer to the truth, or they are confusing the pornography they see on DVDs or the Internet with reality.
Berkowitz, Bob; Yager-Berkowitz, Susan. He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It (pp. 13-15). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.
==============================================
Another thing that is becoming more and more of an issue is men who prefer to use porn to masturbate to instead of having sex with their wife (or significant other).
I've had discussions with women who say that their husband seldom has sex with them. Instead he uses port many times more in a month than he will have sex with her...if he will have sex with her at all. But she will make a strong point that her husband does not have a porn addition. I'm not sure if it matters one iota if we call it an addiction or not. He prefers to have sex with porn than with her. There is a reason and it needs to be addressed if the couple is ever going to have sex life. So label it addiction, or don't label it. It's all the same thing.
There are ways for men who use porn to the extent that it is hurting their marital sex life. There is a way to get the desire for their desire for their wife back.
This has become so common that there is now a lot of information about it available. If you search on "cure porn addiction", many sites will come up that talk about how to fix this.
Here is a site with a lot of info on this topic: Your Brain on Porn
.