My sex drive is deeply routed to my psychological turn on as well as follows my cycle in intensity.
I will say that I do not always have to cum in order to enjoy sex. There are several different types of pleasure I get from the sexual relationship I have with my husband. Part of it is solidifying our vows to one another and sort of celebrating that we belong to one another in a way no one else does.
If I watch or read a love story that is moving then you can bet I will want to connect with my husband intimately. Not because I am horny or thinking about sex but because I value that connection. It makes me feel alive.
There's kinky sex, dress up sex, quickie sex, make love sex, quick! someone might walk in on us sex, I'm going to pleasure you like never before sex, sex to show gratitude, oooh! look! morning wood sex, have spent all evening watching tv together sex, he's going to focus on me sex, I'm going to focus on him sex, experimental sex, I wasn't really in the mood but it turned out to be good sex, I need you right now sex, and the list continues on and on and on...
I get different things from all of them. I'm not so sure that it's connected to my sex drive as much as it is to my relationship with my husband and the deep connection I feel underneath it all. Take that connection away and there wouldn't be any sex. I'd have no reason for it. I would masturbate more and that's about it.
But you've only heard from women with healthy or positive sex drives... and we don't really look at is as a drive. If you've read about women who want less sex, they are almost always referred to as "low sex drive".... so maybe none of it is about "drive", maybe that's just a guy thing?
And how does anyone else's situation help you figure out yours or your wife's? How can this be helpful? Seems like it only proves that it's all very individual.
Hey bright eyes. Wanna deal with this please? Inquiring male minds want to know the deal with the female sex drive.
Feel free to shed extras intense lighting on the female sex drive after the three year honeymoon period when woman shut down from romantic neglect.
After all that is where the trouble starts
Then finish strong with a rekindling strategy for sexless marriages
Or like sock puppet would articulate what makes woman want to **** more
My input on this would probably be moot. I do not need an emotional connection to have sex. It is preferred but not required. That is vastly different than most women I know/met.
I think we would all be better served letting our partner know what we want/need. Keeping it inside and then getting resentful with your partner for not reading your mind serves no one.
As long as everything is going well in our marriage, just looking at him gets me going! lol He's a very goodlooking guy. When I was younger, I'd never have thought he'd be even sexier in his 40's than he was in his 20's.
But you've only heard from women with healthy or positive sex drives... and we don't really look at is as a drive. If you've read about women who want less sex, they are almost always referred to as "low sex drive".... so maybe none of it is about "drive", maybe that's just a guy thing?
And how does anyone else's situation help you figure out yours or your wife's? How can this be helpful? Seems like it only proves that it's all very individual.
It helps just to see the variety of responses... I pretty much learned its not a drive necessarily. That helps me. Just searching fro knowledge I appreciate the ladies being straightforward with something so personal.
Sure my wife has her own desire level... I wish I understood hers better in time.
It helps just to see the variety of responses... I pretty much learned its not a drive necessarily. That helps me. Just searching fro knowledge I appreciate the ladies being straightforward with something so personal.
Sure my wife has her own desire level... I wish I understood hers better in time.
I think you've got it - if you understand that for many women it is not a 'drive' or a compulsion like what a man would feel. It is much more multi-faceted and nuanced in a woman.
Ok fair is fair... Male Sex Drive (In Men's clubhouse) has pretty much defined the male drive. Females your turn.....
Can you please explain in detail what your female sex drive is?
I want to know some answers: Is it a drive or more pleasing your male partner?For me, there is a drive. I don't think it is like a man's at all though. In the average month, I can rely on drive for one week in a month. The week before my period I have no drive. The first two days of my period intercourse is out of the question.
How does sex feel? Great
What happens when you get it and don't get it? How can women cope without sex and how long can you go without? Is it essentially nice but not required? Does it change if so how?
What triggers wanting sex? What do you like? The rest of the questions depend on the relationship. If the relationship sucks, my sex drive is lower. I actually wonder if a bad relationship lowers sex hormones. In a bad relationship, sex makes me feel used. Sometimes it can make me feel extremely lonely and invisible. I think this is why I started to avoid it.
I hope this information helps you.
Thanks for your detail and honesty... a sexually repressed male in search of answers.
Ok fair is fair... Male Sex Drive (In Men's clubhouse) has pretty much defined the male drive. Females your turn.....
Can you please explain in detail what your female sex drive is?
I want to know some answers: Is it a drive or more pleasing your male partner?
For me personally about 80% of the time it's actually drive, I mean real, intense, must have sex now drive. The other 20% of the time it starts out as he wants it and I don't not want it, so ok. Most of the time though as soon as we start I'm glad we did and it's no longer just about pleasing him.
How does sex feel?
It feels terrific, wonderful, amazing. Sometimes better than others of course, but never bad.
What happens when you get it and don't get it?
When I get it everything is better. I feel the closest to my husband when we're having regular sex, and we talk the most openly when we're in bed, so that's great. For me it relieves stress and helps me relax, helps me sleep, it's terrific exercise, it's just all around awesome. When I don't get it that means we aren't communicating, we're not getting along for one reason or another so I'm crabby and worried about what's going on. I get stressed, I lose sleep, it's just overall not a good situation.
How can women cope without sex and how long can you go without?
For me this is where I think it's different for me than for a man. Just like if I have sex regularly for a while I need it, if I go a long time without regular sex I need it less. It gets to the point where I don't feel the desire nearly as strong as I did before. At that point I can go quite a while, a month maybe even.
Is it essentially nice but not required?
It's a requirement, but there does have to be some connection. I can't really make myself have sex with him if I'm seriously p!ssed or he's been completely neglecting me etc.
Does it change if so how? What triggers wanting sex? What do you like?
Sure, I think certain times of the month the strength of the desire changes. Life changes effect sex life, small children, job stresses, major events both good and bad, empty nest, things like that. I want sex more if we're having fun, if we're emotionally connected, if we're spending time together outside of the bedroom. I like fun, variety, flirting, you name it.
Thanks for your detail and honesty... a sexually repressed male in search of answers.
My sex drive is, on one level just that, a sex drive. Similar to any other compelling physical drive it is like a fire that consumes from the inside out...an impetus for action. The physical aspect of my sex drive is a darker, more primal part of me and a strong part, it seems that much of the time when I am going about my day there is a sub-channel in my thoughts that is sexual in nature. At times almost to strong to handle and, coupled with my more old fashioned sense of morality, it made life before my husband hell. On the other side it is an intensely emotional drive to connect and express love, but that is more from my emotional self. I do love to please my husband, it validates me in away that few things can.
Emotionally sex makes me feel naked and vulnerable, like I am being stripped of my outer layers and cannot hide...it makes me feel loving towards and close to him plus feminine/attractive. Sex also can make me feel submissive...On a physical level sex feeds a deep longing and feels good.
With sex I feel a satisfied, content, relaxed, and more devoted, adoring, and less likely to notice others. When I am left wanting for sex...I am stressed, both physically and mentally. I feel restless and ill at ease, I cannot concentrate and I become irritated. I am more critical of him and more likely to notice when a hot guy is in the midst (I never flirt or anything, I just notice).
When I want him I tend to just pounce on him; take what I need...I have a low frustration tolerance. When I was single, I masturbated (lots) and just suffered through it.
What is a requirement? To be happy/content/satisfied? Absolutely, but my body will not wither and die without it. It is an emotional need and I highly doubt I could be in a marriage in which it was not met.
There is a baseline that it does not seem to go under, but many things can trigger me wanting it more. When I am ovulating or on my period I am a fiend. When I am stressed or feeling disconnected, I compensate with sex. When I see/hear/think/feel/taste/smell something that turns me on. Many times it is just my body needing release and my thoughts follow. I like lots of things, but my big things tend to fall under BDSM.
WOW, I LOVED your post Ishtar, I identify with your every word - except your last sentence, no BDSM here, though I did buy a book once for curiosity's sake .....so well spoken!
When I was married to my first husband, I had a low sex drive after our kids were born. I would actively avoid sex with him and I was just not into it. I now know that it was because we were not connected emotionally and I was deeply resentful of him in many ways. He was a "good" husband and dad, but he paid me little attention, was stingy with his compliments (when we were divorcing he said "You are a knockout" and I thought to myself bitterly "You should have said those things when we were married, dumbass!"), and we just didn't do any fun things together as a couple.
So for me, my emotional state plays a huge role in my sex drive. My second husband and I are in a good place in our marriage and I want sex from him constantly! I am deeply attracted to him, even after 7 years together, and much of that is because he loves and accepts me for who I am (something I didn't get with my first husband). I want to have sex with him because it feels so good, because it makes me feel even closer to him, and it is an expression of my love and commitment to him. It is not about just "getting off" and way more about expressing something to him and also receiving something from him - admiration, affirmation, and a tangible reminder of his love for me.
I don't have sex just to please my husband. It is such a fulfilling experience that I am always eager for it. So my drive has nothing to do with pleasing him per se, although I get off on pleasing him when we are making love. Not sure it I'm explaining it right....
It would be a big problem to not get sex. I think your sex life is a barometer for the rest of your relationship. Sex is essential for keeping connect with your spouse, I think. When I don't get sex, it's because our schedules are conflicting or there is something stressful going on for one of us, like work or a crisis with the kids or something. I get cranky when I don't get it. I have a higher drive than my husband, so it bothers him less.
TTFIO - How is the 180 going with your wife? I don't recall seeing any recent postings on it.
It seems to me with all of these questions that you are still focusing on your wife and trying to figure HER out instead of focusing on yourself. This is barking up the wrong tree and a waste of energy on your part, if I'm being honest. It's a shame, since you deserve to be happy.
Re: Female Sex Drive 
