lovesherman

Catherine:

Thank you for reminding everyone that their advice is supposed to help the OP, not attack them. I sometimes feel like this is the Jerry Springer show, with people enjoying the mockery of the OP's problems. If you don't have anything helpful to say, or if your experience does not relate to the situation, move on to the next thread! I dislike the people who chime in that their sex life is great when the OP is struggling with theirs, or those who make assumptions about the OP's situation.

YupItsMe

I am sorry to hear that you felt so strongly about that that you felt the need to delete and that you are holding back. I would encourage you to reconsider.

This is an emotional place for good reason. Cooler heads prevail sure, but if you consider the very likely well meaning source of some responses is likely from someone that has just suffered one of the most severe, stressful and traumatic events in their lifetime.

None of us here would wish any pain on someone already suffering.

It is also human nature for some to maybe dish out a little crap to someone we totally disagree with especially when it hits a very sore spot.

Please dont take it personally when someone gets a little grumpy. If you look closely, most of those types of responses are a defense mechanism called displacement. The example used in psych class is coming home and kicking the dog because someone had a bad day.

The dog of course did nothing but that wasnt considered. Its venting up the wrong tree sure. Just remember that and the perhaps undeserved blow isnt so hard to take.

The other consideration is that we are usually asking for opinions and comparing notes for all of our benefit.

If we shut off our participation a form of self censorship is taking place and TAM becomes a less rich, less helpful place.

That would be a shame for it to come to that for the sake of avoiding a little undeserved heat.

I for one will value your contributions going forward

Trying2figureitout

Here is a link where I summarize my personal sex drive and the effects it has on me (Half way down the page is one post, 3rd from bottom another)

Question for the men... How often do you need/want sex?

Unsure in Seattle

Why are you lashing out at someone offering you advice? I don't think she was attacking you in any way.

I hope you and your husband can get thru your problems.

j3nn1fer

I appreciate any advice that you guys give and today was not a good day. I told my husband that I wanted to pack my bags and leave because I was so miserable and maybe we would be better separate until we went to our couples therapy appointment next week. He wanted me to go to his family's house for holiday dinner tomorrow. I didn't want to because I really don't care for his family too much because they cant respect boundaries and thats another story. I really just wanted to stay home by myself and not face that drama tomorrow. My husband came home and we talked for awhile about a few things and hopefully that will help until next week. Needless to say Im still at home hanging by a thread. BTW I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs and Im doing the best I can with my kids and this situation....Please only post useful advice.....divorce is not an answer for me or my husband and I don't treat him like a doormat!

j3nn1fer

Because she was telling me that I should be grateful for a husband like him....she doesn't know him or what intimate issues we have. Sometimes a great personality doesnt make up for a nonexsistant sex life....

Trying2figureitout

Wish you well J3nn1fer.. you have a lot to think about since divorce is not an option take time to care for yourself perhaps a break from each other will help...don't let the holidays bring you down. Take care. Just remember no one died and time can heal all wounds. Good luck.

SadSamIAm

Obviously there must be some intimate issues you haven't shared with everyone.

How do you expect to get good advice when you haven't told the entire story?

Catherine602

J3nn would it help to tell what is going on? Why do you want to leave so suddenly? the more info you give the more help you will get. What happened today?
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SimplyAmorous

I have had poeple tell me to be thankful for my husband and sometimes I needed to hear it --in the past.

With very little said about your husband other than he would never leave you no matter what you do, it is hard for the rest of us to see that "other side"- you mention here for the 1st time.

You have painted yourself as hurting your husband -admittedly- and him as suffering. I do admire that you acknowledged it was your problem -even if it still bothered me and I felt bad for him.

What is the rest of the story , what has he DONE to bring you to this place? THat would make all the difference in the world in how many answer..

It makes all the sense in the world if the man is mistreating his wife, she doesn't feel loved & valued, maybe he never listens to you? for example --that she might even fall into depression & not want anything to do with him. This happens alot in marriages. How has he contributed to this breakdown, what did you need from him the MOST that he did not give to you -that led you to getting more depressed and pushing away more and more to where you then found yourself repulsed by him.

What would you say he could DO to make you want to get closer to him?

Does he side with his family over you -I seen where you said they can not respect boundaries?

__________________
"Love Good Blog"

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Never in a million years would I say that to you. I was simply implying that I was the one who has your husband feelings/traits. That's all. I'm very sorry for the misunderstanding. Your correct, I have no clue what your issues are, you didn't care to elaborate in this particular post. However, I do have a right to be on this site just as anyone else does. I've lived through some really rough times. My ex husband almost killed my daughter and I when in a rage after holding us hostage for hours in my apartment when I snuck the keys and got free. That is just one small example what I've been through. My ex was very abusive. It always wasn't so perfect. I was sexually abused as a child, which I've completely forgotten about since a recent thread on this site and now I'm wondering if I need to tell my husband due to the memories keep replaying through my head. Ect... Life is never "easy" per say. I broke my neck 3 years ago and now I'm forced to live in severe pain 24/7 of my life. I'm disabled and unable to leave the house. Sorry, for all the info, but I have a lot to deal with myself as well.
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toolate

Thank you for sharing your raw comments. That is the kind of real life assessment from that other side that I need to read about. You actually were unaware of how hurtful those things were, maybe my husband doesnt know (even though I tell him how hurtful they are... he says many of the same things plus worse to me that you wrote here). May I ask how you didnt know those comments were hurtful? Or bc you didnt know is there no way to answer that? Thanks!

JustAMan2

I am a husband that was sexually ignored for years. My wife's "reasons" were due to her unresolved (and undisclosed) childhood sexual abuse.

I can tell you as a man/husband that it is devestating. It is not JUST SEX. It's the way we connect most strongly with our wives. It's the way we feel the most loved. It's the way we become "better".

There is man. Sex makes us man 2.0 version (new, improved, better as a man/husband/father/friend).

I would say from my experience that the #1 thing I needed from my wife to resolve our issues was honesty!! Yes, the truth can hurt, but don't stop being honest with your husband. Talk about things in terms of how you feel, or how things MAKE you feel. Tell him honestly what his role is in helping you. Where EXACTLY you need his love/support and EXACTLY what that looks like.

I wish you all the best.

sinnister

Obviously you love your husband or you wouldn't be here. So there is hope.

I'm on the other side in my personal life so I can't offer any advice.

I can offer prayer and encouragement. I hope you guys work it out.

tjohnson

God bless you for reaching out. Many women don't care enough to do so.

Try where possible to not take the attacks personally understand where some of these men are coming from.

In fairness (with a 10 mo old and all you have going on...) I think you deserve SOME slack. FWIW when my wife had raging hormones (not in a good way) following the birth of our children i did what i did when i was 15 to relieve things. Not perfect but, nothing is perfect.

That said understand and try to read what some of the men are saying. Your H is being a nice guy because you are going through alot.



try to take the good with the bad from the men that are hostile about the topic. Feel blessed that TAM offers you a way to get other's perspective in a totally open way. Some of their points you should take to heart. Also understand some may obviously hot have read your post carefully and/or are just looking to vent.



Having said that putting my man hat on at some point your H will resent you and your marriage regardless of the underlying reasons/contributing factors. He may not leave you or cheat on you but, it (being sexless) will likely manifest itself in other ways.

continue to address your depression clinically but, don
't rule out holistic remedies as well. Try excercise, sunlight, spending time with girlfriends, family, avoid negative people and pray, you may not get the answer you are looking for but, it may make you feel better. This is a complicated issue and don't want to simplify it.

Thanks for sharing.