My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.
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Old 11-22-2011, 04:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.

My husband and I have been having a difficult time recently.I have been extremely depressed and not wanting to be intimate at all or be touched by him what so ever. It has been over a month since our last encounter and I want to make him happy, but the thought of any kind of intimacy, just makes me want to gag. He tells me that I was totally different when we first got married which was only four years ago, but I have three children....the oldest is five now. My sex drive is non-exsistant now and I don't feel like its the most important thing in a relationship. He told me that is how men are,they relate love to sex and women relate companionship with love and no sex. I know that my husband will never divorce or the other way around because he doesn't believe in divorce, he believes in working issues out. But I am not attracted to him sexually at all or anyone else. I feel like it is just a hassle to be lovey dovey and I feel like he is extremely needy. He gets mad if I don't kiss him and say hi right when he walks through the door. I know the issues lie with me, but I really don't know what to do about. Do I just force myself to be more affectionate and be miserable or just stick my ground and be affectionate when I feel like it?
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Old 11-22-2011, 04:09 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.

I also tried taking antidepressants and it didn't do anything for me and reduced my sex drive even more.
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Old 11-22-2011, 04:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.

What makes you feel loved?

Everyone has 'their' love language. For many men, it is physical touch.

How would you feel if he didn't put any effort into what makes you feel loved?
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Old 11-22-2011, 04:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.

There's a book called The 5 Love Languages that might help you guys.

You also sound burnt out. How much help do you get with the kids, house, etc?

And, the issues lie with BOTH of you, not just you.
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Old 11-22-2011, 04:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by j3nn1fer View Post
My sex drive is non-exsistant now and I don't feel like its the most important thing in a relationship.
You are so very very wrong.

Quote:
He told me that is how men are,they relate love to sex and women relate companionship with love and no sex.
He is very very right.

Quote:
I know that my husband will never divorce or the other way around because he doesn't believe in divorce,
Damn, you`re wrong again!!


Quote:
..he believes in working issues out.
We all do but what your not getting is that his idea of "working this out" is him getting intimate attention from his wife.Soooo...this isn`t going to work out until you get your sex drive back.
When he realizes this isn`t going to work out ever...then he`ll start believing in divorce.

Quote:
But I am not attracted to him sexually at all or anyone else. I feel like it is just a hassle to be lovey dovey and I feel like he is extremely needy. He gets mad if I don't kiss him and say hi right when he walks through the door. I know the issues lie with me, but I really don't know what to do about. Do I just force myself to be more affectionate and be miserable or just stick my ground and be affectionate when I feel like it?
I don`t know but the path you`re on leads to one of a few destinations.

-An utterly miserable life for your loyal non- believing in divorce husband and for you too by association.

-An affair, it`s usually the ones who won`t even consider divorce who rationalize an affair being better than destroying the family.
The affair usually destroys the family anyway but you can`t tell that to someone who is in an affair.

-Divorce.

Any of those looking good to you?

You better do something.
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Old 11-22-2011, 04:26 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.

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Originally Posted by j3nn1fer View Post
My husband and I have been having a difficult time recently.I have been extremely depressed and not wanting to be intimate at all or be touched by him what so ever. It has been over a month since our last encounter and I want to make him happy, but the thought of any kind of intimacy, just makes me want to gag. He tells me that I was totally different when we first got married which was only four years ago, but I have three children....the oldest is five now. My sex drive is non-exsistant now and I don't feel like its the most important thing in a relationship. He told me that is how men are,they relate love to sex and women relate companionship with love and no sex. I know that my husband will never divorce or the other way around because he doesn't believe in divorce, he believes in working issues out. But I am not attracted to him sexually at all or anyone else. I feel like it is just a hassle to be lovey dovey and I feel like he is extremely needy. He gets mad if I don't kiss him and say hi right when he walks through the door. I know the issues lie with me, but I really don't know what to do about. Do I just force myself to be more affectionate and be miserable or just stick my ground and be affectionate when I feel like it?
You need to figure out why your not sexually attracted to your husband, and then work with him to fix it. He is making it clear that this is a problem for him. If it is not a problem for you now, it will become a big one later if he leaves you.

So work to figure out why you are not attracted to him? Is it neediness, he does not help out, stress from the kids, medication, what? A physical might not be the worst idea. Then sit him down and work out a plan to fix it together.
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Old 11-22-2011, 04:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.

As a husband who is in a two years sexless marriage.... I implore you to find a solution. Otherwise your husband will end up like me with his sexless marraige on his mind 99.8% of the time. It affects EVERYTHING...how would you like to have your lousy sex life on your mind when driving, eating, typing, talking, watching tv, trying to sleep, playing with the kids.....

You need to find a way to have lots of sex with your husband

OR

You need to divorce him

If he is honorable like me those are the only two options... give your husband a break... there is no other substitute but YOU. I feel my only recourse is to do a 180 to save my sanity. I'll make her leave me if needed anymore I don't care! I love my wife but will be fine without her if she keeps this junk up.
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Old 11-22-2011, 04:59 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.

I'm just the opposite. I'd die or be very depressed if my husband wasn't affectionate towards me. He meets all my needs physically and emotionally. I do what I can to fulfill his needs. He certainly deserves everything for as much as he does for my family and I.

You and your husband will start to resent one another if neither needs are met. A lot of times arguments will be frequent when the resentment builds.
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Old 11-22-2011, 05:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.

It sounds like you just don't like him very much on any level. Have always looked down on him?
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Old 11-22-2011, 05:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.

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Originally Posted by I'mInLoveWithMyHubby View Post
I'm just the opposite. I'd die or be very depressed if my husband wasn't affectionate towards me.
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So would the OP if the situation were reversed.
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Old 11-22-2011, 06:45 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.

holding all the cards in a relationship doesnt really force one to try to improve things
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:04 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.

Its not that I don't love my husband or respect him. I think he is a great husband and does anything for his family. He works hard so I can stay at home with my children and helps with them when he is at home all the time. I think that something is physically wrong with me. Last year we were all over each other and so in love. Now I just feel that if he left me, it wouldn't bother me one bit. Btw my husband said that he is not going to have an affair or divorce me because of this (he read all these comments), he said that he commends me for searching for an answer for it. I am really hard on myself and feel like a miserable heartless shrew! I have several appointments set up from physicals to therapy to work out these issues....so hopefully that will help. Will keep u updated!
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:07 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.

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Originally Posted by I'mInLoveWithMyHubby View Post
I'm just the opposite. I'd die or be very depressed if my husband wasn't affectionate towards me. He meets all my needs physically and emotionally. I do what I can to fulfill his needs. He certainly deserves everything for as much as he does for my family and I.

You and your husband will start to resent one another if neither needs are met. A lot of times arguments will be frequent when the resentment builds.
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So if you think that your relationship is great with ur husband and he is a great guy, then why are u on here?? Sounds to me like your in a "perfect" relationship.
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.

Have you had your hormone levels checked?

Your testosterone levels could be low which can lead to these feelings. My friend had this issue after her 2nd child...after some months of testing, it was discovered that her testosterone was verrrryyyy low. After some months of this oil she rubbed on her arm twice a day, her sex/affection drive came back and after a few more months, they regulated themselves and she could stop the oil.

Just a thought.
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:13 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks that I dont love him because Im not affectionate.

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Originally Posted by tacoma View Post
You are so very very wrong.



He is very very right.



Damn, you`re wrong again!!




We all do but what your not getting is that his idea of "working this out" is him getting intimate attention from his wife.Soooo...this isn`t going to work out until you get your sex drive back.
When he realizes this isn`t going to work out ever...then he`ll start believing in divorce.



I don`t know but the path you`re on leads to one of a few destinations.

-An utterly miserable life for your loyal non- believing in divorce husband and for you too by association.

-An affair, it`s usually the ones who won`t even consider divorce who rationalize an affair being better than destroying the family.
The affair usually destroys the family anyway but you can`t tell that to someone who is in an affair.

-Divorce.

Any of those looking good to you?

You better do something.
Actually our religion tells us that divorce is a sin. And of course an affair. My husband was a virgin when we married and he has a strict no divorce policy. He told me that no matter what I do, he would not divorce me. He would rather and I quote "castrate himself" to deal with his sexual frustration because he has waited all his life for me and he is not letting me go....till death do us part. And I also am the same way....if he cheated on me....I would be really hurt, but Im not going to divorce him because of it.....thats a cop out!
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