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Old 11-28-2011, 07:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...

How would you feel if he gave you the gift of not asking or talking about sex anymore? Would that make you feel like he was listening to your needs?

I am a high sex drive wife and my husband tells me to stop asking for sex/affection bc he feels like its all I want. So, I took a risk and gave him what he has been asking for... Im not going to ask him for it, Im not going to initiate, I basically took it off the table like he asked. Would you be happy if your husbands who hound you about sex did this? Thanks for any responses as I dont understand how this is a good thing, but those on the receiving end of the "hounding for sex" may be able to help me understand this.
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Old 11-28-2011, 08:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...

i have done the same thing with my wife, we now live like roomates and i guarantee you she is comfortable with it. its just part of the process that is a marriage unravelling. i find myself increasingly drawn to other activities that do not involve her at all. i feel a sense of bliss slowly creeping in, it is my guage as to how stressful and uncomfortable things have been while i was obsessing over it.
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Old 11-28-2011, 09:22 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...

We don't have this problem anymore, but back in the early years of marriage we had this problem a lot. It wasn't so much him asking/nagging as much as it was constant groping and pressure.

About year four, I had had it and was going to walk. It woke him up in a big way, he completely stopped the groping and pressure and we decided to work on it together. And, almost 20 years later he has kept to his word - learned how to approach and touch me - and I've kept to mine as well.

It can work, especially if both of you are on board.

However, based upon some of your other comments about your husband, I would say that he is not necessarily on board to work it out with you.

Best wishes.
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Old 11-28-2011, 09:22 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...

As usual if you do not provide context it means nothing. A base line for an active sex life (and don't tell me that I am unreasonable) is 2/3X's/wk. I would venture 80-90%+ of people would consider this perfectly feasible (of course family/work/stress..... get in the way).

Now if you are having sex that much and are bothering him/her for more, he/she is perfectly within their right to say you are nagging.

If it is 1X/wk or mth.... Then I fully understand the nagging and say you have every right to do so..... JMHO....
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:04 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...

I did that. It's not a game or dare. And it's not what people 'do' but who they are. I discovered my wife had, has and will continue to have zero point zero interest and that the merest mention of it is lambasted as 'pressure' and I can go to hell. Fair enough.
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:19 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...

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Originally Posted by Havesomethingtosay View Post
As usual if you do not provide context it means nothing. A base line for an active sex life (and don't tell me that I am unreasonable) is 2/3X's/wk. I would venture 80-90%+ of people would consider this perfectly feasible (of course family/work/stress..... get in the way).

Now if you are having sex that much and are bothering him/her for more, he/she is perfectly within their right to say you are nagging.

If it is 1X/wk or mth.... Then I fully understand the nagging and say you have every right to do so..... JMHO....
I think you missed the ?... we arent having sex... we go 1 time per 2 weeks to 1 time per 2 months... once in the marriage (recently, and I mistook it for improvement) we had sex 4 times over a weekend... but then it stopped.

We dont fit into the category you described... I ask for it maybe 2-3 times a week, but he says no every time... we only have sex when he wants it which is outlined above... and I would consider that infrequency a low sex drive for a man.

My question was more about how wives who are approached alot more than they want would respond to their husbands saying to them "I know this is something that really bothers you (ie when I "nag" you for sex), so Im going to give you a gift, a gift of me not bringing up the sex..." Would you like that?
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:26 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...

I wish my H knew a happy medium when it comes to asking/nagging for sex. But at the same time I can see the dilemma he's in... I ask him to be touchy/feely in other non-sexual ways, because like your H, I feel like sometimes that's all he wants... But for my H, he has to stop being intimate in any touchy way, or else he get's turned on, which then creates the nagging for sex. It's a slippery slope in our home. For instance, we give goodnight hugs/kisses, next thing you know he's got a hard on, mind me it's just a kiss/hug. No touching. Now, it's 10 pm and he's horny. On one hand, I'm flattered, on the other I'm annoyed. Another example, we're sitting on the couch, he has his hand on my leg, he can't leave it there for any length of time without moving up my leg to my crotch. Is it something men (and women) can't control? I crave the intimate moments that do not lead to sex, really I do. I would love to just have a 5 minute kiss session and be able to lay there and cuddle and go to sleep, but I can't because now he's got a raging hard on that won't go away.
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...

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Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
We don't have this problem anymore, but back in the early years of marriage we had this problem a lot. It wasn't so much him asking/nagging as much as it was constant groping and pressure.

About year four, I had had it and was going to walk. It woke him up in a big way, he completely stopped the groping and pressure and we decided to work on it together. And, almost 20 years later he has kept to his word - learned how to approach and touch me - and I've kept to mine as well.

It can work, especially if both of you are on board.

However, based upon some of your other comments about your husband, I would say that he is not necessarily on board to work it out with you.

Best wishes.
Since you are the only one who answered as having been the low drive wife... you were going to leave the marriage bc your husband "pressured" and "groped"? My husband syas he loves sex but bc I bring it up so much he is turned off. I say to him, well, I only bring up when we arent having it. he has no answer after that and thats usually when he mocks or does something to turn it into a fight and point the finger at me.

Im beginning to think I need to walk on eggshells in order to have a freakin sex life in my marriage. My husband is hot enough that I could simply just have sex with him... he is that good.

So my taking away that "pressure" IF he is normal and not BPD, may work to the advantage of the marriage? That was worked in yours? Are there any related specifics about how to become physical again after the "pressure" is taken off? Who is the one that determined how long there was no sex before you had it again and how long a period of time without it? One last ?, did he actively court you prior to resuming sex? Does that mean I have to actively court bc Im the one who was "pressuring" or should allow him to take the lead... I would like him to take the lead and show me that he gives at least one sh!t about me! Thanks!
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:36 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...

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I think you missed the ?... we arent having sex... we go 1 time per 2 weeks to 1 time per 2 months... once in the marriage (recently, and I mistook it for improvement) we had sex 4 times over a weekend... but then it stopped.

We dont fit into the category you described... I ask for it maybe 2-3 times a week, but he says no every time... we only have sex when he wants it which is outlined above... and I would consider that infrequency a low sex drive for a man.

My question was more about how wives who are approached alot more than they want would respond to their husbands saying to them "I know this is something that really bothers you (ie when I "nag" you for sex), so Im going to give you a gift, a gift of me not bringing up the sex..." Would you like that?
PUt it that way... it's like stopping an annoying habit. Listen to what your partner wants, and do it. So don't ask him for sex. Maybe it's important to him to do it. Maybe it will get better over time.

On the other hand, like everyone says... if your needs in the relationship are not being met, shouldn't you both consider all the options? Are there any compromises? Like other forms of satisfaction that he could do?
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:40 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...

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Originally Posted by Cherry View Post
I wish my H knew a happy medium when it comes to asking/nagging for sex. But at the same time I can see the dilemma he's in... I ask him to be touchy/feely in other non-sexual ways, because like your H, I feel like sometimes that's all he wants... But for my H, he has to stop being intimate in any touchy way, or else he get's turned on, which then creates the nagging for sex. It's a slippery slope in our home. For instance, we give goodnight hugs/kisses, next thing you know he's got a hard on, mind me it's just a kiss/hug. No touching. Now, it's 10 pm and he's horny. On one hand, I'm flattered, on the other I'm annoyed. Another example, we're sitting on the couch, he has his hand on my leg, he can't leave it there for any length of time without moving up my leg to my crotch. Is it something men (and women) can't control? I crave the intimate moments that do not lead to sex, really I do. I would love to just have a 5 minute kiss session and be able to lay there and cuddle and go to sleep, but I can't because now he's got a raging hard on that won't go away.

Great help! I guess my husband doesnt realize that the non-sexual touching turns me on so much bc he cant see the beacon calling, like you see your husbands I love to kiss and go to sleep, but my husband doesnt like to kiss when we get in bed bc he thinks Im trying to have sex with him, when sometimes Im not. Many times, I just want to kiss and embrace and go to sleep. So your husband may be able to just kiss you and go to sleep even though he has got that beacon!

Like your husband but to a more extreme extent, I feel like I need to not be in the house alot in order that I dont look at him or touch him and get turned on... like my getting turned on by him is a bad thing. He makes me feel like Im bad for being attracted to him.

What would a happy medium look like to you? Prior to giving him this "gift" I was only initiating 2-3 times a week... if I left him alone, he would go months. I didnt think I was being unreasonable, but obviously it was too much for him.
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:46 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...

ah, I have also just said flat out... I just want to give you kiss, and cuddle. I have a higher drive than my husband, but this helped a lot.
Just communicating that I just wanted intimacy. Simple.
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:51 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...

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Im beginning to think I need to walk on eggshells in order to have a freakin sex life in my marriage. My husband is hot enough that I could simply just have sex with him... he is that good.
Toolate, have you ever told him that in those exact words? Reading your other thread, your H is definitely trying to get control of something here, either by witholding sex as a punishment (to you or him) or else there are other issues affecting his sex drive or general sexual health. For his benefit I hope he can learn that compartmentalizing sex like this is unhealthy for both of you... one thing I'm thinking might help is to do some "love language" questionaires, figure out what exactly he needs for affection (ie not necessarily the same as your needs or way of showing affection).
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Old 11-28-2011, 12:10 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...

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Originally Posted by toolate View Post

Like your husband but to a more extreme extent, I feel like I need to not be in the house alot in order that I dont look at him or touch him and get turned on... like my getting turned on by him is a bad thing. He makes me feel like Im bad for being attracted to him.

What would a happy medium look like to you? Prior to giving him this "gift" I was only initiating 2-3 times a week... if I left him alone, he would go months. I didnt think I was being unreasonable, but obviously it was too much for him.
It took me a few years to actually appreciate his sex drive for me, it was way more annoying at one point. He's actually toned it down and certainly 2 to 3 times a week isn't the way he was, it was more like 24/7 for a while. 2-3 is a happy medium for me. I do think I could go for months still, but I also understand the need for that bonding moment. But no, personally, I don't think 2 - 3 times/week is too much.

I think it's awesome that you are so attracted to your H! I'm sure you wish he'd think that too. I hope you can resolve this
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Old 11-28-2011, 12:16 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...

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Since you are the only one who answered as having been the low drive wife... you were going to leave the marriage bc your husband "pressured" and "groped"? My husband syas he loves sex but bc I bring it up so much he is turned off. I say to him, well, I only bring up when we arent having it. he has no answer after that and thats usually when he mocks or does something to turn it into a fight and point the finger at me.

Im beginning to think I need to walk on eggshells in order to have a freakin sex life in my marriage. My husband is hot enough that I could simply just have sex with him... he is that good.

So my taking away that "pressure" IF he is normal and not BPD, may work to the advantage of the marriage? That was worked in yours? Are there any related specifics about how to become physical again after the "pressure" is taken off? Who is the one that determined how long there was no sex before you had it again and how long a period of time without it? One last ?, did he actively court you prior to resuming sex? Does that mean I have to actively court bc Im the one who was "pressuring" or should allow him to take the lead... I would like him to take the lead and show me that he gives at least one sh!t about me! Thanks!
Ah... it was much more than 'groping' and 'pressure'. Those were the outward things that showed up, but underneath it was him having a general lack of respect and understanding and unwillingness to 'hear me out' and do anything about it. Even though I had sex with him as much as he wanted, he would brush off my concerns as unimportant. After a talk, he would be 'good' for a few days, then go back to ignoring me and sticking his nose into his sports on TV and pursuing his intramurals and weightlifting and then start the groping all over again.

Yah... after one Christmas where I told him I was going home to visit my family on my own and when I came back I was looking for my own place he woke up. He KNEW why. It wasn't like the issues didn't come up often enough. He just hadn't cared enough to try and do anything until that point. At the turning point, he did exactly what is in MEM's thermostat thread. He quit the groping cold turkey - asked me how and when I wanted to be touched and actually WORKED to do it. He dropped some of his intramurals, took me to others with him, made an effort for us to go out and have fun together - and not just doing things that he always wanted to do. I didn't make an ultimatum to play any sort of game - I did it to save myself - to save my self-respect and self worth.

We never did go sexless, though. I had it in my mind that for me to be a 'good' wife I should continue to try and do what he needed even if I wasn't happy, so it took some amount of effort for me to even understand our dynamic was unhealthy and try and change it by changing me. It took us about a year of focused work after the ultimatum, and then we were closer than ever. We aren't perfect by any stretch, but we have both come a long way since then (this was all like 20 years ago now.)

You and your husband have a very dysfunctional dynamic. Whether he has BPD or not, it can be very unhealthy for you to try and stay in this kind of situation if you get zero commitment on his part to be willing to meet you in the middle.

Best wishes.
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Old 11-28-2011, 12:25 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...

If I had a kissing session with my wife for 5 minutes I'd be bustin to go.

For the life of me I can't see the positive effect this would have on a woman. That he love you enough to kiss you passionately and not want sex? How is that a good thing?

As you can see...I'm lost.
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