Dazed and Confused
First time ever in an online forum so, not sure how this works but here goes...Married 16 years, been together much longer. Over the course of our marriage husbands never been a father to the kids, was an alcoholic for all but the last 2 years, selfish, job hopping...I could go on. Not a nice person to the kids and still has no relationship with them. It has affected them greatly. They both have depression, one of my sons has a chronic disease AND depression. My husband doesn't try to understand that being a kids diagnosed with a chronic illness comes a lot of mental issues along with the physical issues. Sons had surgerys, constantly at doctor, etc. Husband doesn't even try to understand. Just wants to pick and pick and pick at the kid for anything he can find wrong. Never been encouraging, only looks at the bad stuff.
Don't' get me wrong husband is a hard worker (still job hopping though) and a "nice guy" (so everyone says) just has a lot of issues and I'm not happy nor are the kids but I love him. Ha! SO cliche, I know.
The biggest issues being his selfishness and extreme lack of being a father or involved parent and he's an a**hole. He has no clue what's going on in our kids lives, they don't talk and one lives in the same household. It is so stressful He is always picking and tries to find reasons to be mad or unhappy with one son. He isn't happy with himself and I'm sure feels like the fact that he is now trying to "step up" should make up for the lack of his presence over the years (emotional and otherwise).
Fact is, we have been in our routine for the last 15+ years, boys and I, and we want him there but not as the "man of the house" trying to control everything and beat on his chest because he feels like he isn't in control of something or that's how a man should be. We are happy how we are. Kids are successful, working, ones in college other trying to get into college.
I have worked 2-3 jobs our entire relationship to make up for his inability or refusal to take care of things. He keeps his money and argues if we need more for bills. He tries to cut everything out if he has to pay for something additional but spends his money on himself with no problem. He acts like he has it so bad and I have grown so tired of the fight. I was strong and independant but it is breaking me. Handling all the issues by myself with the kids' depression, college, chronic illness and nothing i ever do for my husband is good enough. Never enough attention, sex, etc.
He has mommy issues and that's a whole other topic! We don't parent the same. I am more open minded and teach my kids by talking to them about their future, encouraging them teaching them by example, etc. He is more like discipline and spankings and kids are beneath adults they should act as such. My family was never like that. His was and is. I am just so lost and don't know what to do. Do you leave someone when you see it's affecting your kids like that? Stupid question I know! I have just had people tell me that your kids grow up and then it's you and your spouse so treat it as such. My family's not that way. We are a big happy family. His never sees each other. There is SO much more to this long story but the jist of it is he's an a**hole and treats one son like crap and it affects our son and I am always playing cleanup and am losing myself in this process. Sorry this is all over the place. So much to get out.