12-02-2011, 01:49 AM
Join Date: Dec 2011
| | Dazed and Confused
Please bear with me as not only is this my first time here but also this may be more information in one post than anyone deserves.
I have been married to my husband for 20 years. We have 3 kids, two are mine from a previous marriage, the youngest a product of our marriage.
He has been employed over the years mostly in the trucking industry as a driver and most recently as an owner/operator with his own truck, while I am a stay at home mom.
Over the last 4 or 5 years he has been spending more and more time on the road. It went from being gone for a day or two and be able to stop by the house for the night then off again to make another drop and get reloaded, which I could deal with his absence a bit easier because I knew it was only for a couple of days until it went to being gone for the whole week and being home only on the weekends, which was a bit harder on the both of us. In order to deal with the absence both of us started to shut down our feelings over the last couple of years, so when the time came and he was home it was hard to jump into a loving relationship and it had put a strain on our marriage.
Love making was becoming non-existent as when he came home he was either tired or had to work on the truck for his runs the next week. It became just having sex, no foreplay and I hated it because I felt no love coming from him at all, just that he wanted that release. I wouldn't initiate anything because I felt that was all I was ever going to get. He came up with excuses earlier this year that he thought he had erectile dysfunction and that was his excuse for not initiating anything and I wouldn't try to start anything for fear that he would be embarrassed of not being able to perform.
I knew we were in trouble and tried to talk to him about us be he is not much in the way of conveying his feelings so he shuts down.
A month and a half ago he finally broke down and told me we had a problem and I wholeheartedly agreed that we needed to talk.
I learned more from him than I think I wanted to know but he says he is being honest with me and if that's what it takes to work this out then I guess I have to take the good with the bad.
He's told me that he loves me, but he's not in love with me. We've been together for 20 years and wants to make it work.
He told me that a few months ago he had met a gal that was moving into a room at his friends and his wifes house because her marriage had fallen apart and she needed a place to stay (she happened to live next door). During the time of the move she would chat and tell him all her problems, he's a good listener and gave her a shoulder to cry on and would try to comfort her. He's always been the strong quiet type and tries to help everyone out no matter the cost to himself. He'd give you the shirt off his back if he thought it would help. I knew about him helping her move and probably should have gone to help but I had other commitments and couldn't. Evidently this gal felt that he had become such a good friend and confidant that she would call and text him on his cell while he's on the road, which I am only just learning of all of these revelations in the past month.
Since we agreed to try and salvage our marriage I went on a few trips with him for a couple of weeks and we were working things out and romance was returning along with the love making. I was bored one day and was playing with his phone and and looking through the pictures he had and found 2 that she had sent him...nothing provocative...just head shots and asked him why she was sending him pictures. He had no idea why she sent them and I jumped to the conclusion that a woman does not send pictures to a married man unless she has ulterior motives. She had also sent him a request to friend on Facebook which he accepted.
We talked that night and I asked him about her and he admitted that during one of the times that he was comforting her that he had given her a hug to calm her down and she kissed him on his neck. He also admitted that when he was around her that he got tongue tied and butterflies in his stomach. I told him if he wanted our marriage to work that he needed to cut all ties with her and he told me he would. He unfriended her on FB deleted the pictures on the phone but he had not told her to not contact him as he said he would because she is a friend.
The friends of ours that she is staying with saw that there was some sort of connection starting between the two of them and sat them both down and told them that there would be no extramarital affairs happening on their property. Seeing as how my husband has been parking and working on his truck at their home in their garage and a possibility of her being there at the same time I begin to stress out anytime the truck needs work. Supposedly they avoid each other so as to not cause problems for the ones who are putting a roof over her head.
Tonight it all came to a head, my husband came home and was very distant. I asked him what was wrong and he paused. I told him he seemed upset over something. I had sent him something earlier in the day referring to Love and In Love and what the differences and similarities were in my head. I told him that we had been doing great for the past few weeks so what was making him confused. "She" called him this morning while he was driving and told him she missed him...(she had gone to MT for a few weeks). I lost it...told him he can't have his cake and eat it to. I wasn't going to sit by and give 100% and more to make our marriage work if he was only going to give 80% because he has her drifting in and out of his mind because she can't understand the fact that he's married. I got a hold of his phone and left a message on her phone that she needs to stay the hell away from MY husband before he grabbed the phone away. I just did the one thing that he didn't want me to do, he never wanted me to confront her that he would handle it. I got tired of waiting for him to deal with it so I did it for him and probably just blew up my marriage. I told him he needed to think about what he wants and whether we have a chance in hell to salvage what we have. He's now sitting at his Dad's house supposedly thinking about the situation. I hope I haven't totally screwed myself by finally sticking up for myself and a marriage I don't want to end.
Any and all advice would be appreciated and I told it would be a long one...any questions I will try to give answers..
god bless all